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Original poster

After 22 years he wants out: How do me and kids cope with this?

572 replies

Saffysmum · 11/04/2011 21:41

Got married 22 years ago - thought it was for keeps.

After 4 kids - now teenagers, he's decided that he no longer loves me and he needs to move on.

Last year he told me that his feelings had changed. I was gobsmacked. He insisted that there was no OW. He said he no longer loved me. I told him to leave, but he than backed down, said we needed to get "reconnected". He made no attempts to do this. We both work hard and long hours although he earns 4 times more than me (I work a couple of nights a week as a Mental Health Nurse).

I didn't work at all whilst bring up 4 kids ( born within 5 years of each other). I went back to work part time when youngest started high school.

My darling younger sis was diagnosed with cancer late last year - and sadly a couple of months ago lost her fight. It didn't bring us closer, he offered no support at all to me. My elderly parents were naturally devastated. He somehow made it all about him, IFYSYIM. He "grieved" alone, like it affected him more than me.

Anyway, two weeks ago, he said that he needed to move out. That he no longer loved me and that my sister's death had made him realise that he had to live his life as he wanted to. I have been reeling from this.

He said that he hopes we can remain friends for the kids sake.

The kids are all teenagers btw, eldest DS has A levels looming, whilst younger daughter has GCSEs in a couple of months. They know nothing of this.

I cannot forgive him - he is like a stranger to me. If I didn't have the kids then I would have thrown him out two weeks ago. I feel absolute contempt.

My parents are still grieving, and they think he is wonderful. Everyone thinks he is.

I think he is going through a mid life crisis - he is obsessed with his appearance, his weight - is constantly working out or running. If I wasn't so gutted I would laugh at him. He is sadly turning into the sad old git we all scoffed at in the nightclubs years ago.

He said it will take him a couple of months to find somewhere else to live - and that by then eldest two will have taken exams.

I want him out now-but also realise that all kids will be devastasted - and that older two need to take exams which are stressful without the added stress of coping with us breaking up.

I have always, and always will put the kids first. I will fight tooth and nail to get them what they deserve. How do I cope with this though?

OP posts:
Original poster
Saffysmum · 18/07/2011 19:39

Hi - yeah, I got it! Phew, what a day, really full on, was observed by consultant and everything! Now I'm going to be a sister on charge of ward! How scary is that??

Kids really pleased for me, and it has boosted me no end, just to focus on something else, and think towards the future. Thanks for your good wishes.

X

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/07/2011 19:54

I knew it ! Clever lady Grin

Your trajectory is very, very clearly upwards

Lovin' this thread ...

AnyFucker · 18/07/2011 19:54

His ? Not so fucking much. Diddums.

BeforeAndAfter · 18/07/2011 19:56

Woo hoo!!!

Go! Saffy Go!

AnyFucker · 18/07/2011 19:58

< does the shufflin' dance >

Original poster
Saffysmum · 18/07/2011 19:58

Thanks AF x

OP posts:
Dozer · 18/07/2011 20:34

Congratulations saffy! Good for you - you'll be great!

Wine
Wisedupwoman · 18/07/2011 20:40

Way to go Saff!!!!!

AnyFucker · 18/07/2011 20:42

< moon walks across thread >

Original poster
Saffysmum · 18/07/2011 20:52

Thanks everyone - just loving all your moves you mad lot! Off to bed for an early night, cos I was up at five! X

OP posts:
VeryProudMum · 18/07/2011 21:16

Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine

and champers and party poppers etc!

Dee34 · 18/07/2011 22:00

Excellent, wonderful, fantastic news!!

Congratulations and well done you!!!

fedupofnamechanging · 19/07/2011 18:56

Congratulations. That's wonderful news x

drfayray · 19/07/2011 22:44

Oh well done Saffysmum! The only way is UP!

Wisedupwoman · 22/07/2011 06:34

Saff.

I've been thinking alot about the "I should try and find a way to relate to LM for the sake of the DC's" issue (that's my take on it, and I've had this dilemma).

TBH at the moment I think it's not your problem as such, and nor does it need to be an issue for your DC's whether you and LM can 'get on' in the future. I think it's his problem but as DM and the one left with the responsibilities for the DC's, it's easy to blur the boundaries and feel it's your job to make it ok enough. But LM is an adult, ok a twunty one, but an adult all the same.

Your DC's are old and mature enough sounding to know what they need from their DM and D. They may want you and LM to find a way to get along but I suspect they'd rather this happens when it's what you want and not driven by the moral imperative to fix things.

You're fire-fighting enough right now. The future will take care of itself. You have a divorce settlement waiting in the wings and that's a big enough front to be taking on. Give yourself a break. Imagine yourself having the conversation with your DC's about this dilemma and what they would say. They may not yet themselves want you and LM to be trying to make a different relationship, because they may still be hugely angry and hurt in their own right, and it's possible they would feel more conflicted than they might do at the moment if you are trying to contemplate acting in a way that just doesn't feel ok in the current circumstances.

Bit rambly (again). It's just my take on it though.

Original poster
Saffysmum · 22/07/2011 07:00

Thanks Wisey - you're right as usual.

ES - we've had the conversation where we've talked about his future with his dad, and how I feel. He says he feels angry, and that his dad is spineless and that he feels nothing but contempt for him. This is exactly how I feel. ES says that he doesn't miss him, and can't really see that he will in the future, but if he does, he'll think about it then. Which is fine.

DD1 - she's spent a little more time with him, but says that right now she doesn't particularly enjoy seeing him, because she can't get past the fact that he went without saying goodbye, and that she's lost all respect for him, but that she still loves him "cos he's my dad". Which is fine. I've just told her to take it at her own pace, and to see how it goes.

DD2 - refuses to see him, but thinks she will want to "in the future". Keeps in touch via text and they exchange a few words when he collects/drops off YS. Says she hates him.

YS - misses him. Sees him at least once a week, and they get on well. This is because he's younger, knows little about why we split, (the porn stuff), and has coped better than I thought he would, but has been quiet and moody a lot of the time. His Head of Year at school isn't overly concerned - YS is a bit quiet anyway, and when his HOY and me met last week, we agreed that it is affecting him, but he's also a hormonal 14 year old, who's besotted with a girl (for the first time, who's going out with someone else) and he's got a lot of "teenage angst" kicking in. When he's with his friends, with his siblings etc he's happy and fine.

So all in all, I know they're ok. A lot of it is as you say, me wanting to "fix things". But as you say, they are capable of fixing what they want to fix, if they want to. And you're so right about them not wanting me to do anything that doesn't feel right.

I'd like to get to a place where I can sit down and have a coffee and a laugh and a chat with ex when he picks up/visits kids. But I know myself well enough to know that that will never happen. Too much has happened, and I'd feel I was compromising myself, my values and my integrity if I did this. Like ES, there's no respect, only contempt.

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Saffysmum · 22/07/2011 07:04

And of course, it isn't up to them - the fixing things. It's up to ex to fix things with them. But he either doesn't want to, or can't see the damage he's caused. And that feeds my contempt even more. I've got to get past this anger, because it's making me bitter. And I don't want to be bitter.

Still, SHL will get her teeth stuck into the financial stuff next week - can't wait!

OP posts:
Wisedupwoman · 22/07/2011 07:43

Gotta go in a minute, but what really strikes me about your post is how change takes place on many different levels. As a whole you and the DC's are collectively dealing with it in the 'same' way. Individually you are all at variance in the process and it's to be expected I think.

I think valuing your own integrity is a priority. It's not the same as taking the moral high ground, it's looking after yourself. You certainly don't come across as bitter, just rightfully angry and hurt. If we are still having the same conversation years down the line then I'd say ok, perhaps this stance isn't so helpful to you now. But we're not, we're in the here and now, and that's what you're living with.

See you later Saff, have a good day.
Wisey
X

Wecanfixit · 25/07/2011 07:24

Sorry I agree with Diggs there will be another OW, so sorry for you happened to me 19 years ago i had a 11monthtoddler, he was sleeping with his best friends wife , and i thought she was my friend.
So you lovely woman your priority is to pack his bags and kick him out now, then see a lawyer, tell your family YOU need to stop protecting him , YOU need the support , YOU need totake care of YOU. I wish you all the best and please keep talking it will get you through this very difficult time.

ScaredOfCows · 25/07/2011 07:48

wecanfixit - the thread has moved on somewhat now............

Wisedupwoman · 25/07/2011 08:35

Yeah, Saffy's cookin' on gas!

Hugs to you today Saff

Wisey

Original poster
Saffysmum · 01/08/2011 20:05

Well, guess what...

I saw SHL last week to sort out the financial stuff. Ex and I were both given E forms to complete 6 weeks ago - the deadline for completion was early last week, so that we could get these typed up by our solicitors for approval. As petitioner I had more to do than ex, (i.e. get the house valued by two estate agents). Our solicitors were due to meet end of this week to then thrash out settlement. So, I saw solicitor last week, with all my documentation complete, which we approved together.

Today, SHL phones me to say that Ex hasn't completed his disclosure, and he hasn't (according to him) received from the court the divorce petition which the court sent to him to acknowledge on the 14th July. His solicitor says that the financial disclosure may take him "at least two more months to complete". She then added that "he feels everything is moving too fast for his liking, and that whilst he continues to pay bills, etc, there should be no pressure to rush things."

So SHL phones me today, and says that she would like to tell ex's lawyer that he has to get a move on, and has 14 days to get all the info necessary to proceed, or we will see him in court - and he will have to pay ALL costs. I say "yes, go ahead". So she does.

So what the hell is he playing at? He wanted this - why the hell is he stalling?

OP posts:
Dozer · 01/08/2011 21:22

How odd. Don't know, but like your SHL!

Dozer · 01/08/2011 21:24

Maybe the big form is just too much reality for him.

Wisedupwoman · 01/08/2011 21:30

maybe he's having second (third, and fourth) thoughts Saff................