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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

After 22 years he wants out: How do me and kids cope with this?

572 replies

Saffysmum · 11/04/2011 21:41

Got married 22 years ago - thought it was for keeps.

After 4 kids - now teenagers, he's decided that he no longer loves me and he needs to move on.

Last year he told me that his feelings had changed. I was gobsmacked. He insisted that there was no OW. He said he no longer loved me. I told him to leave, but he than backed down, said we needed to get "reconnected". He made no attempts to do this. We both work hard and long hours although he earns 4 times more than me (I work a couple of nights a week as a Mental Health Nurse).

I didn't work at all whilst bring up 4 kids ( born within 5 years of each other). I went back to work part time when youngest started high school.

My darling younger sis was diagnosed with cancer late last year - and sadly a couple of months ago lost her fight. It didn't bring us closer, he offered no support at all to me. My elderly parents were naturally devastated. He somehow made it all about him, IFYSYIM. He "grieved" alone, like it affected him more than me.

Anyway, two weeks ago, he said that he needed to move out. That he no longer loved me and that my sister's death had made him realise that he had to live his life as he wanted to. I have been reeling from this.

He said that he hopes we can remain friends for the kids sake.

The kids are all teenagers btw, eldest DS has A levels looming, whilst younger daughter has GCSEs in a couple of months. They know nothing of this.

I cannot forgive him - he is like a stranger to me. If I didn't have the kids then I would have thrown him out two weeks ago. I feel absolute contempt.

My parents are still grieving, and they think he is wonderful. Everyone thinks he is.

I think he is going through a mid life crisis - he is obsessed with his appearance, his weight - is constantly working out or running. If I wasn't so gutted I would laugh at him. He is sadly turning into the sad old git we all scoffed at in the nightclubs years ago.

He said it will take him a couple of months to find somewhere else to live - and that by then eldest two will have taken exams.

I want him out now-but also realise that all kids will be devastasted - and that older two need to take exams which are stressful without the added stress of coping with us breaking up.

I have always, and always will put the kids first. I will fight tooth and nail to get them what they deserve. How do I cope with this though?

OP posts:
Wisedupwoman · 15/06/2011 17:15

OMG Oldwoman really? LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!

Love it, just love it.

Aislingorla · 15/06/2011 17:20

But really believable! They get carried away, think they are in love and when it finally comes to the crunch, realise it's just a fantasy and the wife and family is the true love and attachment!

Wisedupwoman · 15/06/2011 17:23

Please, if there's a god up there, please let me have my moment.....Grin

Original poster
Saffysmum · 15/06/2011 17:27

How funny Oldwoman!! Love it - made my day!!

Aislingorla - I agree with you, they do get carried away, on such a high with their new life, then realise that actually the old one was better. Also, I am convinced that when OWs see these man as they really are, day in day out, etc., warts and all, they are suddenly not so appealing. (Especially when first wife and kids are bleeding them dry financially). Tee heee.....

OP posts:
Wisedupwoman · 15/06/2011 17:30

I'm wondering how long it will take PTM's OW to remember all the reasons she fucked him off out of it the first time!

Wisedupwoman · 15/06/2011 17:31

One of them, possibly, the day he mixed up a bag of brown rice with a bag of white rice and spent the day separating the grains. Sad

Original poster
Saffysmum · 15/06/2011 18:10

Noooo....dear god, the man needs sectioning! You're making it up Wisey, you naughty girl!

OP posts:
Wisedupwoman · 15/06/2011 18:18

I swear to the almighty!

Original poster
Saffysmum · 15/06/2011 19:18

Then you' ve had a lucky escape girl!

My STBXH has taken YS and his friend to the cinema. Thing is, original friend who was going was taken poorly at school, and YS said he would only go if another friend would go. There was no way he would go with his dad on his own, because it would be "boring". So even YS now needs incentives to see him. What a silly man, he has/is losing so much. Like watching a car crash in slo-mo. Silly sod. SHL is firing on all cylinders and we have all our big guns in place...the balls in his court, and if he doesn't respond, he will be in court.

Message to STBXH: be careful for what you wish for.....

OP posts:
Wisedupwoman · 15/06/2011 19:35

What you wish for.......yeah.

My sol has emailed the mediator to tell him to get on to PTM and hurry him up. This will be interesting, seeing as PTM is supposed to be tending to his parents.

Kids have all sorts of codes to say things don't they? Whereas once it would be "boring" would mean just that, now it takes on a whole new meaning.
Silly STBXH.

Loie159 · 15/06/2011 20:25

Saffysmum - can I just say that a close friend of mine has just left his wife after 20 years and I cna catagorically say that there is no OW.... they have grown apart and the last 2 years have been difficult..... so do what you think is right for you and your children and if that means staying then do that for a few more weeks. But dont let yourself get eatne up by the thought of OW. My friend just doesnt love his wife anymore and doesnt want to spend the next 40 years pretending...... good luck for you and you \dc

Wisedupwoman · 15/06/2011 22:27

I'm tempted to ask what is it about the 20 year mark that signals the time to bolt.

I hope your friend had the grace to treat his DW with complete and total honesty and respect before he went Loie. If it's got to end, then that surely is the way to do it.

Wisedupwoman · 19/06/2011 20:12

You still shopping Saff?

quiddity · 19/06/2011 21:30

Saffy, just wanted to say I have been following your story and am full of admiration. You and your DCs are awesome.

Original poster
Saffysmum · 20/06/2011 19:49

Hi Wisey - noooo, finished shopping Saturday afternoon, then boozy dinner with friends from work, then recovering yesterday morning, then double shift!

Thank you quiddity - some days I don't feel awesome, some days I feel like I'm barely treading water, but I'll get there in the end. Kids have been amazing!

Looks like divorce is progressing - solicitor sent a very strong letter, and STBXH suddenly had time in his busy busy schedule to fit in an appointment with a solicitor!! Funny that....

Thanks as usual everyone!

OP posts:
Wisedupwoman · 20/06/2011 21:56

Hey Saff things are developing apace and as they should be. Funny that, how suddenly there's time for Lycra Man to sort out the little things in life - like prioritising your responsibilities to others ffs!

It's a good feeling ain't it? Grin

x

Dozer · 20/06/2011 22:34

Bet his new SOL will bring him down to earth with a bump, and that's before your SHL gets properly started. Silly lycra man.

Have the dcs' exams finished now? Bet that'll be a relief.

Original poster
Saffysmum · 21/06/2011 05:02

ES takes final A Level this week, and DD has two more papers to go - (she's done 16 papers!) They're all a bit tired what with the revision, study workshops etc. Even youngest has had loads of "Sats" type tests. But they're coping well with it all.

Yes, I agree that LM will be given a reality check by his sol and mine - think he's buried his head in the sand, and focused on himself for so long that a wake up call like actually being forced to deal with reality, and the consequence of his actions will shake him. He's always been immature, and this will force him to step up to the plate.

OP posts:
Vix1980 · 22/06/2011 09:18

Its taken me 2 days on and off to go through this whole thread but im so glad i did, Your a real inspiration, your so strong, calm and caring. Im not going through a divorce or anything (reading these boards has put me off marriage i think) But if i can only have half of your dignity and composure i will be a happy woman. To have the kids you have would also be a bonus too!

I urge you to print of these pages full of kind words to you and your family and keep them somewhere safe, whenever you feel wobbly read them back and gain back the strength to carry on. Good luck xx

Wisedupwoman · 22/06/2011 15:49

Has he seen his sol yet, Saff?

Original poster
Saffysmum · 22/06/2011 19:02

Vix - aw, thank you so much! It is very uplifting to read posts like yours, it means a lot. So far, I haven't had any wobbles, but I think you're right about printing off the pages - thanks. My kids have helped me loads and me them, and I'm proud of them so much...they are the reason why I'm strong.

Wisey - I don't know! Until I hear from SHL that he's made contact via solicitor, well the jury's out....so to speak!! I found out a long time ago that what STBXB says and does, are two different things!

X

OP posts:
Wisedupwoman · 26/06/2011 11:48

Saff Belated Happy Birthday!!!!

Hope you had plenty Wine and other good stuff. Smile

Love Wisey.

Original poster
Saffysmum · 26/06/2011 12:17

Thanks Wisey!

It was great and I was spoilt rotten by family friends and the kids. Best birthday for years and years.
Says it all, really.....X

OP posts:
Wisedupwoman · 04/07/2011 18:36

How's things going along with the divorce Saffy?

Original poster
Saffysmum · 04/07/2011 19:20

Hi Wisey, all going along....got the dreaded E form to complete, then meeting with SHL in couple of weeks to thrash out the settlement.

And guess what, STBXH, is very hard up now. He told kids that he couldn't treat them at the weekend, because it would be "eating into his food fund".

What a joke. I know what he's paying on this house (and to be fair, he's paying as he was when he was here) per month, and I know that his rent is cheap where it is. So I know that he has at least half of his take home monthly pay to himself - and it's loads. Yet he's broke (all together now....arrrrrrh). And I keep thinking back to March, when he said he would be leaving for sure, but "it will be in July". And now it's July, so I think OW and him had decided to get together this month, but nasty wifey-mum-of-his-four-kids has put a nasty spoke in his wheel, by divorcing him long before he thought she would. So now he's paying a lawyer, which he didn't want to do. And he's got his designer clothes/gym habit/OW to support.

He'll have to get a paper round won't he? LOL.

OP posts: