Dumpling no more? Only the strong survive and we did no. 4

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings. Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support

Anyway thats 2 Sundays in 9 weeks he has managed ,roughly 16hrs in 63days.
Oh and put up a profile on a dating site ,just for fun x

It's so low that he can see them so little. He slithers big time.

Training tonight in London for the divorce and separation course I'm beginning to help on next Monday. Really looking forward to it. A new chapter in my life.

Have fun Tea ,you will be fab x

Hi Ladies

Tea, well done with the wallpaper stripping and good luck with the course

Patience, hope you and DC are ok, it's hard for us to see these twats hurting our DC like that but all we can do is be there to wipe the tears with big hugs, these men dont care what their doing, it makes me sick

Goo, Same advice as everyone else my love, i'd just add to keep the crap at the front of your mind when dealing with him and try not to engage but at the end of the day its up to you what you do

How everyone else getting on?

It's all good here, NM still keeping me smiling but me being happy is making me start to panic, i do like him but i'm scared of getting hurt again or me hurting him or things going too fast and i keep needing to take a deep breath and remember that i just need to do one step at a time and not to think too far ahead or worry what could happen, just enjoy the now but i gotta say ladies it is scary stuff!!

My resolve not to sleep with him didnt last long which was another scary step but it was all good and he still came back the next day so that confirmed that it's not just for sex (TG) i can give the RR a rest for a while lol

My DM was pressuring us to go out as a couple in our local area on saturday but i told him thats a step i really am not ready for yet, going public is a huge deal and i dont think we need to do that yet, my friend thought i was worried about X finding out but tbh he hasnt even entered my head it didnt even occur to me what his reaction might be so thats a positive step :)

Yay Tea you will be super fab!

Yay Sov. Great things are good and you are handling it all well! Glad X was furthest from your mind!

DCs are not sleeping enough with this sunny weather so am being woken far too early and then have cranky youngest at end of day (and cranky mama) Hope they sleep in tomorrow!

Life a bit mundane atm. Hope it gets more fun soon!

Hello everyone,
I hope you're all hanging in there! Hurray for Googs and the promotion! well done you fab dumpling.
i need to catch up on the rest of the thread soon.
As for me I'm really getting a nice wee life together here. The boys are all happy and well settled and i'm bumping into lots of friendly faces from the past as well. Its great to have my family near me.
My latest plan is to get really fit so i've joined the zumba and am walking everywhere.
X has been coming here every 2 weeks which is becoming a pain as inevitably he starts his usual tantrums when he doesn't get his own way. he stays in a hostel but is here from early am until bedtime so the last time as I felt so frustrated and driven from my home I told him it was unsustainable and that he would have to come once a month into my house and then for longer stays he would have to get suitable s-catering accomodation where the kids can stay with him. And guess what he stamped his foot and ran out again. i was so miffed, this is my new life my home is our sanctuary and I have been so patient and tolerant. he says he can't afford to do things differently yet he had 2 weeks in Canada in March and spent Easter in Italy.
Anyway he is also pressurising me to let our 8yr old go to Canada this summer with him. I don't know what is best for our son here, he wants to go (knows the decision rests with me thanks to x) but i don't want to unsettle him and there are responsibility issues with his dad although they will stay with his grandmother who is fussy about safety.
grrr why is life so fecking complicated? Does anyone else have an x who lives far away. X lives in Scotland I moved to N Ireland a few months back.
Waves to everyone.
:)

Big hugs Maybee,glad to hear your settling in well x

Think its the whole getting our heads round the fact that these blokes have as much right to see our kids as we do that is the tough bit .
I know that sounds selfish but what I mean is alot of us are dealing with months or years of these fathers being selfish unpredictable ,some have drink/drug issues and dont seem to have any thought for the kids emotional stability.
All i know is protect them yes but also let them spend as much time together as is practical.I wouldnt have X in my home even if I moved to the south pole and not much accomodation ,he could go and sleep with a penguin ,not my problem.

Easy for me to say but if my son was safe Id let him go to Canada .Huge experience for the little guy !
But I dont know the whole story M,I just mean try and detatch any personal negative feelings about X when making the summer holiday decision .

Saw a show today and this young girl was getting a divorce and said
"Its so hard to remain dignified when ur so bitter"
I had to smile ,just thought you'll get there girl.

This website design stuff is all a bit much ,head is hurting then I switch onto dating site for a laugh ,need to find a photo ,to add x

Hi everyone

Just catching up and thought about Maybee moving back to live near family.
I've got to decide where I want to live. Currently 200 miles from my family, my DC live at Uni, so it's just me here. Exh lives 20 mins away, I only came here with him and his job.

But I've managed to make a nice life for myself and have new DP. My house is up for sale and has been for over a year, it is a worry though as I can't decide where I want to be.

I've made so many lists of pros/cons for both options and there are things I would/do miss about each place.

So how do you make the decision?

Also my exh is really tightening the screws were the money is concerned, we've tried to keep it amicable but I've had enough so court beckons. He's pissing me off big-time. Problem is without his contribution I won't be able to afford to stay around here anyway it's so expensive.

Know what you mean, party. Still have 2.5 kids at home (.5 uni) but have to decide where to live. Thought I would be happier back where we came from but that will mean looking after aged mum & aunt (they'd move away to near her younger bro if I didn't) better for dd if |I stayed bigtime. Better for DS1 if I went. NM 60 miles away but his family here & we've split up 3 times in 2.5 years. DS2 wants to stay here but best friend near my mum & not doing brill @ school so might be in his best interests to go even if it scares him. Then today H's lawyers were wanting to know why, if aunt can pay for my mortgage deposit if we move, why she can't give H his £35k charge on the property - because she's poor!!!! It's all she has left (her son & sailor husband died) & she want to give it to M to pass on to me (repayment not gift) so they'll have someone to look after them in their old age. Why should her finances be dragged into it? She's not going to be living with me. Know H jealous because his F frittered away all their money at the casino but knowing why he is like this doesn't make it any less intrusive & awful. Sorry to rant, guys.

So, on the plus side for moving ds1 who never wanted to move & commuted back to M's to school, Mum, Aunt, better job oportunities for me
On the probably plus side: me being happier unless it leads to splitting up with NM, more valuable house, more income by renting out flat over garage
On the probably negative side: debts, NM having to choose being with me or home town football team & sister for the next 3 years till his job 60 miles runs out, DS2 who doesn't want to move schools even though he's not doing v. well there, bit of capital but not much because mortgage here much bigger, getting rid of rich tenants by myself (if we moved H would help) Mum, Aunt (this time for me not them)
On the negative side DD just going into 6th form, nearly all her friends here, commuting,

Hi everyone. Hi Maybee! SO glad you're settling in and also glad that you have laid down rules about exh and his visits. FWIW, I think I agree with Patience re Canada trip. Grandma will be there and as Patience says, what an experience for the little guy. If you think he can handle it, and won't be missing you so much that he wants to come home straight away, then I would let him go. So nice to hear from you btw.
Oh Mymy, moving and knowing where to live is so difficult, more so I think when kids are older.
Well, I just have to tell you this silly and yet totally unbelievable piece of information. Remember drummer guy, who I had my sights on? (except meeting up never happened - I don't think my friend actually spoke to him about it, she's a bit of a compulsive liar), well, drummer man and my exbf are playing a gig TOGETHER at the end of this month. They don't know each other but they are on the same bill for a fundraising concert in this little village hall, as they must have mutual friends. Good god.

Oh year Goo he's beating your tune!

Oh wow Goo -entanglement!

My and others yes -Ive got issues about where to live too!Eeek!

Maybee -I dont know all the back story. But you moved to an area where X has no family. Fact is it is better for children to maintain contact with fathers if possible. How is he supposed to do it? Hes paying to travel over. Then he may have big expense of accommodation. It will be a very hard trip in the winter -done it myself.

As I say I dont know the story but its not easy for him. Can you source some accommodation for him to stay somewhere or facilitate him. If it becomes really super difficult for him to come to see the kids it is them who will lose out longer term.

Also I let my 7 year old do a 4 day trip overseas with his father recently -he had an absolute ball -he would probaby say one of his best things this year. If he has a safety conscious granny Im sure he will be fine and Canada is a super safe country.

Hope you dont think Im being mean to you but my kids dad did a lot of bad stuff to me but I massively facilitate him seeing them etc. They absolutely love him.

Thanks for that post Mumfun.my kids love their dad too ,if he didnt drink and lie ,life would be a whole lot more settled by now ,but he does and I just have to try and work with it .
The more acceptance I have regarding divorce ,the less emotional the situation is ,I have to trust my X to look after the dcs when he has them .But if his lifestyle was healthier I would be happier ,its a difficult sitiation and I just have to keep my eyes wide open atm.

wierd googs & freaky some people just hang around your sphere for some reason.

Thanks for opinions on x. I think I will let ds go to Canada mostly because he has been told that I am the one who the decision rests with. Can you imagine being 8 with a holiday in Canada dangled in front of you that your mum won't let you go on? You'd be so cross. Overall I think he'd be safe tho dad thinks nothing of driving stoned or after a few drinks. laws are relaxed on drink/driving out there. However x has agreed to sign a document stating tht he will not drive under the influence with ds in th car. He went to Canada last summer with his dad and loved it. However after their trip that same summer i caught my x secretey topping up his wine glass one night he was supposed to be driving us all home. So he can't be trusted really tho his mum is aware of this issue as well. My other fear is that they will manipulate him and he is just finding his feet in Ireland and settling in well.

I have moved on from what x has done and am willing to tolerate him being in my home one weekend a month but more than that is a bit more than I can cope with.

This was posted on my other site today and I found it explained things well for me and thought I would repost:

I read this recently from a divorce care website that was recommended though this site and I think it?s a good description of what we have gone through and why it takes so long to ?get over? Unless someone has gone through this I don?t think they can full understand the pain it entails.

"People will say, 'Well, my husband and I separated.' That's not true. You tore, and that's where the hurt is. You actually tear, and parts of you go with the other person. That's why breaking a relationship is so difficult because you lose a part of yourself forever."

"There wasn't an aspect of my life that wasn't torn and ripped. There was pain in parts of my body that I didn't even know pain could reach."

A person's heart is broken when the bonds of a relationship are broken.

"A broken heart, is actually the tearing of those bonds; it's like ripping a part of your life away and leaving these webs hanging and bleeding. A broken heart is so terrible that, according to the Word of God, Jesus Himself has to fix it."

Mumfun I just wrote on another thread that I felt gut ripping pain like the final scenes of Braveheart.

I truly believe when our hearts heal and mend that they mend stronger and bigger and able to give more love x

Patience I thought you would get it! I hope you are right! x

My path to "fix" it is definately spiritual MF no doubt about it ,we have a right to shine in this life no matter who tries to blow out our flame .We will dry our eyes and keep on shining .

Hello to all my lovely dumpling friends. Have been up the walls with college work for the last while so hadn't a chance to post. Finished on Mon came crashing down Tues.....just about getting back on track now. Haven't had time to read thread but will try to catch up over next few days.

Have a few dates lined up over next wk or so from dating site . One guy in particular has been v persistant. I had kind of dismissed him as being a bit nerdy Anyway turns out we've loads in common have spoken to him on the phone & was able to chat away easily with him for an hr . So anyway am meeting him on Mon !! I've also hit it off with another guy who's been emailing me a lot & we seem to have same sense of humour but not sure would there be a physical attraction there. I've agreed to meet him anyway though as we seem to have hit it off as friends if nothing else. Am also meant to be meeting someone else tomorrow night but I'm thinking of cancelling as I don't think he's made as much effort as the other two.......lol

Hi Starting. Feels like there is noone here!?

Glad youve got some promising dates and yes I too think the future could be the way of the nerd!

Got more dental stuff again - going to cost a lot :(

Had row with H - now being arse and cant go out one good night because of it!

Bit tired - need to get more of the zeds! So off night night!

Sending you strength Mumfun ,
sorry H is an arse again,
Hope kids are cool ,Freezing cold and pissing with rain up here x

Hello everyone,
How exciting to have dates in the pipeline starting. For the first time ever I could contemplate a date, a bit of a laugh and all that. Don't know when I'd fit it in just now but enjoy yourself. never rule out a nerd! Some real nerdy types I knew at school (and see around now since I moved back to my hometown) have made great husbands/partners and dads. I think I'd really like to meet a really good, solid man some day but not yet. No more 'flaky but interesting fuckwits' for me. Patience we had a beautiful evening with a blue sky and a wee silver moon so you'll probably get it tomorrow night. when I lived in Glasgow the weather here came to Glasgow one day later. I love the idea of shining our flames in life.
I've now agreed to let my ds go to Canada for 2 weeks this summer so that is that decision has been made.
Take care you all I need to sleep as i've been to zumba.
xxx

Hi to all. Hugs to all having tough times and toast to absent friends!