"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional Families Thread

[Snowdropfairy]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
November 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

I totaly understand about the husband and peace of mind.

For the whole time i was with Husband from the begining on ward everyday - more that ten times a day - i would question why is he with me, why does he like me, my me. But it was more this is wrong i need to leave before it goes too far, i cant let him in or he will not like me, he will hurt me.

It was bumpy for years, even after we got married i still had these thoughts. Even when i had his baby i still wanted to leave husband.

Then i went on Anti-depressents, had counciling found out why i felt like that and then i made a decision to trust my husband. I'm in this relationship and if it fails its ok but as i'm in it i may as well give it my all and enjoy it.

Its hard to jump in and just trust someone but i feel so much better for doing it. I dont have any these thoughts everyday just once in a while when i have a wobble.

I didn't relise how tiring it is to not turst someone, to contuntly tie myself in knots thinking about it all the time.

I feel better for trusting but i relise and accept that it will not stop my marrage falling apart or how my husband feels but i will have no regrets.

I'm hormonal and crying.

PIL has given a lot of money to DH without me know as - i would have refused. But stright away my DH came and told me.

We need the money right now but things will be better so we offered to pay them back then and they said no its for food for there grandchildren!

I'm very happy that they are helping us out but i just dont get it

My mum and dad would never do that for me every. They would not think about me or my family.

I feel embrassed and upset that we need help even thou we did nothing stupid to not have money right now but they just want to help and not put us down or belittle me.

Wow is this what having normal pearents is like?

Now starts the feeling of waiting for the punchline! or just the catch!

My sister called me.

My mum and dad are losing their memories. She is concerened because they are forgetting things and that they are old and living on their own.

She said that they do not remember ss getting involved and that they told my xbrother he would have to leave home if he hit me again. They are very upset because i'm telling lies .

My sister told me that they are lossing their mind and that she remembers it all and that i should have more compassion with them. She said they are not trying to deny my truth they are just old.

Que major guilt on my part.

It still doesn't make them nice people.

I just have to document this, weird as it surely will sound to some. I apologise for butting in on a very moving conversation. I just switched the telly on for a quick break from tonight's marathon cook. There was a film on, showing a torture scene. When I see scenes like that, I reflexively ask myself "What would I do?" Tonight I answered, "Tell him! Even if I didn't know the information, I'd guess it! I don't want to be tortured!"

It's the first time in my life I've answered myself that way. I've lied to other people in conversation - ever since I remember, keeping silence under torture has been a personal directive. I don't know why, exactly, but I can guess (thanks, Dad.) I have made it my mission to learn pain management techniques; nobody ever has tried to pull my fingernails out with pliers or anything, thank god, but I'm good enough that it usually takes too long for doctors to treat me. I had dentistry without anaesthetic until my first adult tooth extraction.

I am SO HAPPY I'VE CHANGED!!!!! I've changed I don't want to endure pain; I don't respect silence more than my own safety. I've changed, hurrah.
Umm, thanks for listening There's no-one else to tell.

Snowdrop, I have to read back a couple of pages to catch up but I really empathised with your last post. The majorly important thing, of course, is that your sister remembers things you remember. That's not only validation, it's shared pain & disappointment ... even if she doesn't frame it that way herself yet.

My own mother's forgetting has been a feature to me since my early teens at the latest. It's forgetting by choice; she remembers well enough when the circumstances are right - for her. It's not malicious in intent, it's her own survival tactic and she really doesn't get the impact it had on her kids. My sister, though, is becoming increasingly freaked out by what she sees as Mum's senility. She sees it that way because she, herself, hasn't come to terms with the realities of her family so can't see that what she's looking isn't Alzheimer's but Narcissism.

Terribly sorry, this has come out as a ramble (I'm emotional!) I really meant to say: it doesn't matter whether they are really forgetting or have decided - between them, byt the sound of it - to "forget" the way you do with past mistakes that are done. It is naturally very hurtful to you. I wanted to try & emphasise there's more benefit to you in your sister's validation than in your parents' attitude, whatever their attitude may be. As long as you & your sister keep talking, I think she will start to piece things together and be glad of your greater understanding.

Take care. x

I lost my post

Thanks GB

I think i just need distance from my xfamily right now and my sister will tell ofter members what i have said so i will not be telling her any personal details any more.

Its good that you have changed and that you see that you have changed you deserve only love and respect and confort.

Its my Birthday tomoro and the phone will be unpluged, no cards with postmakes from my home town will be opened. For the 29th year of my life i will have peace, i will fouce on my family, do the things i wanted to do with my son and husband, i will relax and have fun. I'm going to make this year a positive one. I start CPT on Monday so i hope it works

I'm going back to lurking

Thank you all for listen and all your advice and understanding over the last few months. It means a lot to me and you have helped me more than you know.

I'm sending everyone ESP love and hugs, thank you and take care everyone xx

Hi I just wondered if there is anywhere on the forum I can get a reccommendation for a psychotherapist in my area? I have had counselling but was not really that impressed with the outcome after several sessions. Is it a case of trying out several? How do you know they are good? Or that their work is helping you? Any advice appreciated.

Hi, Tabitha :) The BACP has a new therapist finder here: www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists

Ring up a few, they will talk with you and some give a half-hour free.
Hope it goes well for you.

Last night my mum blew up at my two year old daughter the way she used to blow up at me. Today I feel completely numb because I was too scared to do or say anything except try to keep the peace. I've always blamed my anxiety on my dad for being an alcoholic who got physical sometimes. I worshipped my mother and she could do no wrong, I was always completely defensive of anything she did perceived as wrong, blaming it on being a victim of domestic violence and emotional abuse.

Now I am seeing that she is as much a part of why I am today the way I am. I have no idea how to move forwards, I cannot expose my children to this. I can't sit on tenterhooks always wondering whether my mum is going to lose it. The whole family feels the same way. My sister even says when she has children they will not see my mother if she continues like this, and that she'd rather come to mine in the summer than go to mums.

I'm getting help so I don't end up the same as mum, because I could feel I was going the same way. I'm not strong enough to challenge mum yet on her behaviour. Though I have suggested to her she is depressed and needs some medication. She is very avoidant and confrontational when it comes to getting any help, especially drug related.

Dunno what else to say, just feel like I need to say something because I'm scared and upset.

Oh, poor you, GUN. It's horrid to slip back into child mode, especially when all your consciousness tells you you're a grown-up now and want to protect your daughter :(

Good to hear you're getting help, so you'll have someone to work this through with and develop your strategies for next time. I know how easy it is to buy the surface version (because we want to believe it!) The last time my mother raged at me - about 2 years ago - I very deliberately took a 'mental snapshot' for future reference. Glad I did!

Have you been able to talk to DD about why what her gran did was wrong?

Not really, DD is only little and never really understood what was happening. I've just focused on keeping it normal and being around to give her kisses and cuddles when she wants them. She slept fine last night and she's playing as normal today.

I almost feel like I am experiencing grief, I have a proper heavy weight on my chest, every time I remember it, my heart starts pounding and I feel sick and shaky. I've slept a lot since it happened, went straight to bed when I got in and slept this afternoon too. I feel like I want to drink to oblivion. Which I won't. But it's not going away, and mum calls quite the thing this afternoon with no mention of the incident and asking me to do a favour for her, telling me about my brother visiting her, who btw whilst drunk a couple of months ago out of the blue told me he hated me, and still hasn't apologised.

I feel like you always do when you are scared and hurt, like I want my mum and a hug, and now I can't even do that because she's the problem. I keep wondering why I am having such a strong reaction, it's hardly the worst thing to have ever happened, and telling myself I am over reacting, I just want to cry and cry.

:(

It is grief. I felt like that when I finally started to get that my mum isn't the long-suffering saint we all accepted, but a self-centred nutcase who was a terrible mother. It's makes perfect sense to grieve for the loss of that illusory Mum!

Don't know whether it will help you but I wrote reams, both on here and in private, and read like crazy about dysfunctional mothers. It was a very difficult time; and I started to come out the other side after about four months - I'm sure it's different for everyone.

Sleeping helps your mind process big changes. It's okay. Please be kind & gentle to yourself!

GrownUpNow: welcome to the Stately Homes thread. Agree with garlic that it is grief. I found that I pretty much followed the set pattern of a grieving process (I forget the order now but Anger - "How DARE she do this to me", Denial - "maybe I'm overstating this", Bargaining - "if only I could do X I would change her", Depression and Acceptance) Been pretty much through them all multiple times sometimes several in the same half hour

This explains a lot of how I am feeling then. I keep catching myself staring off into space, sometimes in random places, just feeling really really sad. I need to find something to read, so that I learn and move forward, rather than settling back into the old routine. Can you recommend anything?

Hello Grownupnow

I have read your first post and just wanted to tell you about a servial techque i used, its called Vote With Your Feet.

When anyone is upsetting you, or kicking off or tring to hurt or get at you: dont say anything just get your stuff and walk out the door, leave or vote with your feet.

You have a right to get out of the situation that is causing you pain or hurt by walking away you are getting out of the situation untill it calms down or the other person calms down to listen to you and you are not hurting anyone by you leaving.

Good luck and i hope things get better for you.

FWIW i agree with the vote with your feet survival method.

I've name changed to come on here. I've been reading for a while. Is it it okay to just dive into my story/current fucking shittyness?

Is this normal behaviour? (i actually know that it's not but am wanting to VENT).

Visit parents this week, perfectly fine. Later on Father makes a negative comment about DC's body saying it's just like a particular aspect of mine. I put fixed grin on my face and say thanks for that. I feel totally triggered for lots of reasons to do with the constant compare/contrast boundryless harrassment that has been my life. I do however remain calm. He waits a minute and then asks if he has offended me. I say I don't like comments about my body and think its a bit rude. I say this calmly, with a smile on my face. He goes MENTAL, shouts that I am rude to speak to him like that in his own house blah blah. Storms out of the room.

I get really upset :( I speak to my Mum. I leave with DC.

I try to contact F later to say Hey I only stated an opinion lets not fall out and even said 'sorry' (I didn't mean it). No reply until 24 hrs later get horrendous text saying I needed help etc etc. Next day get another awful text and the next a third. Each one worse than before. Personal and abusive, accusing me of all sorts of machiavellian motives. I was really upset but by the time I got to the third one it was so ludicrous I was almost laughing.

I am in my 40s by the way. A successful professional person with a kids spanning the age ranges.

I think he has BPD. I hate the way my life has been ruined by him and that he has the power to still make me feel utterly shite.

Just had another text. this time from my Mum saying he has decided to cut me out of his life.

Ungratefulchild - how do you feel about your father no longer talking to you?

I would let him get on with cutting you out of his life, so long as you can still see your Mum.

He set up this whole tantrum, from the first comment, to asking if you were offended, to his strop, his abusive texts and now culminating in the cutting you out.

So let him be. It sounds like having a break from him wouldn't hurt anyway. Maybe seeing that you cannot be emotionally manipulated might have more of an effect. At least you won't be dancing to his tune anyway.

Sorry you're having to deal with this. x

UGC - When my sister did the same as your Fater, start a fight acted hurt and tried to blame me then told me she was never talking to me again, i felt relief. I was happy not to have her drama in my life. It was as if she needed an excuse to punish me unfortunatly it backfired as i haven't even missed her.

These type of people bring nothing good to our lifes.

See it for what it is - His problem. Have a break and get some distance to try and see the situation more clearly.

Also do not talk to your mum about it or anyone else, as it will get back to him. Just try and avoid the subject if you can and dont bring others into the drama. If they try to pass messages on just say "You shouldn't have to do that - he can tell me him self or not".

Take it easy on yourself for a bit and have a brake for his irrational behaviour. You never know you might find out you like it

I feel pissed off at my mother in law because i almost miscarried today and when she called to tell me that they forgot my sons coat after looking after him all day when we went to A&E, i said all was ok and that i'm only 6 weeks so we are going to have a Christmas baby.

She said "Well, we will see want we"

IUts just not a nice thing to say and reenforces the fact she does not want me to have another baby

LittleBlueBoat that is horrible. It doesn't matter what she wants x

Thanks all for above. Yes I now feel a bit relieved. The realisation that it actually doesn't matter how hard I try to be 'good' has helped.

My Mum has switched over to his 'side' completely now. They are united in adversity against the evil daughter. Never mind that I could actually do with a bit of tlc atm as I've just had a big operation and have some ongoing health problems.

Christ I wish they were 'normal' supportive parents.

I,m sorry UGC they will never be "normal" supportive parents as they can't and will never be able to see that they are not.

They might think they are normal and they have the right to behaviour this way towards you. But you have the chose not to take their behaviour.

Its sounds to me like they are trtying to put the limelight back on them as you have everyones support and attention and they are spoilt children and need to do something to get everyones attention back on them.

I think its worse when the other pearent enables the first's behaviour. I feel like sholuting "but can't you see what they are doing" unfortuntly no they cant and they just like the drama.

I also thinks its about respect as some pearents think that they are older and therefore know better than their adult child, they just can't see that we are adults and change the relationship accordingly. They have this idea that they will always be in the right and know better without relising as an adult we can see throu this. Sorry just a thought!

Take the break from them both enjoy the peace and the distance could help you look more at the relationship with them.

You can't change them but you can change how you feel about it and how you behave towards them.

ps its Snowdropfairy i've namechanged again

Hello. I posted on an older Stately Homes thread a few months ago about myemotionally abusive father and childhood and was welcomed in. I then got a terrible feeling of disloyalty and apathy and let things get on top of me.

I'm now 13 weeks pregnant with my first DC and I'm terrified of telling my father. I haven't spoken to him for a few weeks, though he did leave me a message on Sunday which I've yet to reply to.

The stupid thing is, I'm not scared because I think he'll disapprove (he can't really, I'm nearly 26 and have been married for five years) but because I don't want him in this baby's life. The first time my child phones him and he's too drunk to understand who is calling will be the last.

But I don't know what to do about it all. I read the long post at the beginning of this thread and so much rang a bell with me, it was quite a revelation. And I think it might help me to start laying some ground rules. Luckily my dad lives a long way away, so him being around isn't a problem, but he makes me feel so guilty when I'm not overjoyed to hear from him.

I'm not looking for advice today really, just a foot in the door as it were with a group of people who might understand some of my rants and hurts and fears.

ToriaPumpkinHead congrats on your first child and welcome