"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional Families Thread

[Snowdropfairy]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
November 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Oh peppermint the denial of things she's said and done is infuriating.

And yes, reflection and projection. I am an accountant in my day job but I trained as an antenatal teacher and plan to teach whilst on career break so I can be with the DDs.

She was thrilled telling everyone I was an accountant. Offered everyone my services (I get so many bloody calls from people wanting bloody mortgage advice - she doesn't actually care what an accountant does you see. It's all just numbers right?).

When I talk to her about my antenatal stuff she blanks me, changes the subject.

She's starting asking if I will bottle feed DD2 so I can return to work earlier. Just "playing devils advocate" and thinking of the impact on my career of having children.

She hates the thought of me putting my kids before my career. She returned to work when I'd been home 2 weeks because I was "doing her head in".

"doing her head in"!! Oh lovely! Bet she loves telling you that!! The accountant thing rings a bell-my mother adores being able to tell people I'm a solicitor, but time and again, whenever the family are together and they talk about what the law might be in this or that area, she never asks me!! I always feel like the woman in that Fast Show sketch who makes all the right suggestions about how to get into a locked car without the key, while the men all blank her, talk amongst themselves, while repeating everything she says as if they all thought of it!!

Haha! Oh that's the first thing to make me smile all day. Yes! I know that feeling. Sometimes I think the mortgage advice thing is perhaps a deliberate dig.

She likes telling my birth story actually. Another of my favourite anecdotes is "I expected to feel this instant rush of love for you but I didn't. You were all hairy like a little monkey and had a head shaped like a peanut". I was born at 30 weeks. Glad she focussed on the important stuff.

Thanks, Peppermint and ItsMe.

Roadkill, I am sorry my post hit you in the face!! It is helpful, I feel, to understand the mechanisms of how abusive people manipulate their targets and, as with Stately Homers, take advantage of the manipulations already done by abusers before them. This knowledge is what sets you free in the end.We are all loveable just for ourselves, just by being alive!

Kelly, congratulations on DD2 :)
You parents sound quite horrid, and your sister in denial. It's really hard to let go of the idea of family but, really, yours seem to be taking more out of you than they put in ... Remember you have phones for YOUR convenience, not other people's!

Hope you manage to rest up a bit this weekend.

Kelly I relate to so much in your post.

• mother fishing for absolution when she knows I'm seeing a therapist: check
• mother keen to tell and re-tell how much she resented me in early childhood: check
• sister who'd rather continue placating: check

I'm shocked that your therapist would stop you talking about your mum, though. So what if she is what she is for a reason? It still affected you!

I wonder why you say : "I have thought about cutting contact, her and my step dad are just poison. I don't think she would let me if I tried it cold-turkey" , though. She doesn't have to "let" you. Of course she'll protest the loss of contact and kick up a fuss. It's to be expected. When you know that you'll be able to hold firm, despite anything she throws at you, you'll know you're ready and able to cut contact, I suspect.

(ps I am a big fan of kelly kettles; LOVED them on rainy days out doing conservation work)

Putting the phone down sounds like the right response to me.

You're not "in the doghouse" (well, only to them). To me, it sounds more like you're affirming the limits of what you'll accecpt and freeing yourself of their bullshit. Well done!

Gosh it's hard I guess. I suppose I'm not far enough along the path. I feel obliged to answer her calls and texts because it saves the grief in the long run.

I suppose it boils down to being quite afraid of her still. My siblings are in denial and I know I would get pressure from them to speak to mum.

I was at my mums a couple of months ago - about 7mths pg. I was upstairs and mum had asked me to go into her and stepDs room and ask if he had the door key. He pointed at the floor near his feet and said "get them KK, they'll be in my jeans there". I reminded him I was 7 mths pg and didn't want to crawl around the floor looking for his door keys.

In work later, I was emailing Dbro and Dsis and told them about it. My brother went mad at me, saying I was ungrateful and afterall they did for me, to slag him off behind his back. He sent me the nastiest email that shocked me so much I cried at work.

Mum ended up trying to get us to make up - being a go-between. Obviously to me, inventing things Dbro had said to smooth things over.

Later that week my Dbro called stepD "dad" for the first time in 17 years+ - in my company at least.

Kelly, Sounds like your brother needs, for reasons of his own, to hold on to the image of your mother and stepfather as good parents. That doesn't make your own feelings of hurt at his actions wrong.

For all the denizens of this thread: I am currently listening to this CD, and have several others by the same author on my queue of items to buy. I think it would probably chime with many of us here (I'm looking at you, thisishowifeel)

itsMe have you been aware of your mothers traits for a while? You are really knowledgeable on it.

I am torn between finding out more and burying my head in the sand.

No, I only realized around 6 months ago. I left my husband, finally understanding that he is abusive, 8 months ago. That triggered an intensive period of soul-searching and of researching abuse, and one day it just clicked that I had married my Mom, basically.

ItsMe is amazingly wise, isn't she?!

I second the intensive research. The more affirmation you can find, the more natural it becomes to view your birth family (best friends, partners, relations ...) from the 'normal' side of the mirror - to see them as they are and to appreciate why you had the clear view in spite of living 'through the looking glass'.

I'm a bit of an arse about using verifiable sources, hence dismissed around 80% of the material I found. The 20% is rock-solid. It makes me wiser and stronger :)

The last few days have been the straw that broke the camels back! Cats are ill, heating broke, microwave broke and I have a huge cystic acne spot on my face. My life is falling to pieces - I am loseing my home, have lost the career I was retraining for and gave up everything for, and if I can't sell my tiny appartment (which has dropped 20% in value) I will have no money for food or bills. I am abroad and am not entitled to benefits. I have no family, no friends I can pick up the phone and confide in. Best friend was an ass and I was right to split with him, but I miss him so much - he was the only person I could talk to. The people I am with in class I can't afford to socialise with (big night out Friday for everyone except me as I couldn't afford it - pics all up on FB etc) and I feel increasing isolated from everyone as when you keep refusing invites they understandable dry up. I have been pretending the last few months that all is ok, and have felt reasonably happy, but it is like something has just snapped inside

I know I need a kick up the ass and to stop feeling sorry for myself, but my problems are bringing all the nightmares of childhood abuse back and all the anger and rage. I was raped and tortured from the age of 5. No-one wanted or loved me. I was kept isolated from other children - never had many friends growing up. I was often kept in a room on my own with no human contact from friday night to monday morning - I was a tiny kid [hsad]. I have battled with making friends all my life - humans scare me a lot, even though I make superficial friendships every easily. I have been very lucky to have lots of therapy, and I know for my mental health I cannot keep isolated - that I am human and do need human contact in my life. But it is SO hard for me to do it when I am depressed and it is a vicious circle.

99% of people can't understand what it is not to have a loving family and no support whatsoever - though I know people here will understand. Life has a whole new meaning when there is NO-ONE to help you when life is tough. Not a single person you can pick up the phone and talk to never mind a roof over your head if you lose everything.

I thought I was over the feeling of rage at what they did to me and the rage at myself. I DO blame myself for not walking into a police station or running away from home, even though I know logically 5 year olds just can't do that sort of thing. I know I will never have a normal life - never marry and have kids and close friends. I thought I had accepted it but I just feel so cheated and so worthless and pathetic as I know there are kids that suffer worse abuse but who still manage to have relationships, marry and have kids of their own. All I really wanted was a career that fulfilled me during the day and to do something worthwhile with my life and I have tried so, so hard to sort my life out - and I am loseing it all.

Sorry for the rant but I feel this close to finishing it. If it was not for my cats I think I would. I have never in the past so I will not now and please don't think I am thretening something - I am not but I feel I have to get this thought out of my head. Sometimes the thought of release from the pain at some undetermined point in the future is all that keeps me going.

Sorry if anyone thinks this post is self pitying and pathetic, but it helps to get it out sometimes.

99% of people can't understand what it is not to have a loving family and no support whatsoever - This is true. Even my counsellor looked at me when I told her nobody actually does care about me.

I'm so incredibly sorry for your painful, frightening and lonely childhood, Skinned. No wonder you feel isolated and scared. You're NOT pathetic: far from it! You've survived, made a life, made friends, know how to reach out and you keep your cats secure and healthy. You realise that all these, especially the last, are evidence of the healthy, balanced human being you really are? If your childhood had ruined you or made you 'worthless', you'd be incapable of relating to others and caring for living beings.

I don't know what to suggest about your current poverty predicament. Is coming back here an option? (I know, how would you afford it ...) What about local charities? I'd never even considered that charities might be able to help me - I'm the one that helps them - but the CAB pointed out some possibilities and I found I qualified for assistance.

Keep looking around, keep reaching out, keep breathing. You are so worthwhile, and that's your final revenge on your "parents"!

Thanks Garlic. I am sorry you are alone without much support either [hsad] If I can get my little flat sold I will be ok to make it back to the UK. I may only get £15,000 for it - it is one room and in a bad area, but it is my home and I feel very, very safe here and it breaks my heart to sell it - but needs must. I know I am VERY lucky to have this little nest egg as it were. I am just beside myself with worry it will not sell no matter how little I ask for it.

If I can't sell it then I will use my credit card (still have it from well paid job many years ago) to get the cats back to the UK and find a new home for them. They are my main concern. They don't deserve to be dragged down with me, but they are old and have been sick and finding a home will be hard. They are exceptionally loving and affectionate though. They will manage though they will be miserable without me for a while [hsad]. I cannot picture life without them in the same way I cannot picture life without my limbs.

I can't see I would be entitied to any sort of benefit or help from anyone in the UK if I still have an asset (my flat) abroad, even if I cannot sell it. It will be worth trying CAB though nearer the time. I can move anywhere in the UK as have no ties, and would do any job whatsoever if I can find one.

It's reassuring to hear you've got a plan, albeit less than ideal. Good for you!
Will it be impossible to continue your studies the UK? Are there any exchange schemes or anything, which might help? (I'm more throwing ideas out than having a clue, btw.)

I studied abroad as it was so much cheaper than the UK, so it is not an option :( I can take a few years out of my studies to work and save, and if the global economy gets better, hopefully get a loan.

I will fight with everything I have not to lose the cats, but sometimes I am so incredibly tired of life being so fucking shit hard [hsad]. I don't care if it takes me 15 years and I have to repeat subjects, I do deserve some sort of joy and fulfilment in my life and I will keep going until I qualify!

I know what you mean about being so tired of it. It does get better ... I haven't had anything like the horros you suffered to deal with, but am still doing my therapy - on my own, with books and on here - because I deserve my chance to live "safe and free", however old I might get

You, too!!

I realised my cats have been allegories for my self: adopted from neglectful homes; I feel rewarded as I see them become sleeker, more confident and more comfy. Current one is quite young (I'm guessing about 5yo) and I think I'll have completed my 'process' by the time she shuffles off. This makes me feel optimistic!

You've got plenty of time, the know-how and the resources to turn this into a story with many happy endings. Take your time to rehome the cats to your (and their) satisfaction, thrash the plastic if you really need to and change your name when you get back and trust yourself. You will end up sleek and comfy

That's lovely you have some rescue cats Garlic and that you are doing your own therapy. We all deserve to be safe and free, and although my family were quite horrific they DID give me the genetics to do anything I wanted (within reason!) so I should be thankful of that. I find cats very theraputic and when I am at my lowest one will always jump on my lap and miow loudly in my ear - to remind me that a massage would be nice and to get my priorities sorted out [hshock]

I love my cats more than anything. The only way I will give them up is if I am on the verge of actually being homeless and living on the streets and if I am really honest, having had to do that once before, I won't do it again. It will be my end. Since this will be life or death (literally) for me pretty soon I just can't let it get like that. My life shouldn't end that way. Even if I have to sell the flat for £5000, you know what I will be alive and able to get back to the UK, rent a room and look for work. Yes I would be mighty angry and pissed off but I would still have my little feline family.

I just have to keep telling myself that things will be ok when I feel like jumping off the nearest bridge

... the falling part would be quite exhilarating, I imagine, but the bottom bit would either HURT - a lot - or be very wet! Or, worse, both!!

[hgrin]

ha ha ha - yes, and the embaressment of being pulled out wet and muddy by some oily bloke on a boat - by a fishhook probably [hblush]

I feel a bit stupid moaning about this now after skins post :( just awful x

This is what my dad said to me over the weekend about the horrendous situation I'm in wrt to abusive exP. The same dad who has never ever acknowledged anything I've achieved ever. I've done quite well career wise...

'He's made some mistakes but is so glad that he's never monumentally messed his life up like I have mine' repeated over and over in different ways throughout the day in a sneery superior way. Almost like he was glad..
'I've brought it all on myself anyway for being so stupid to get involved with someone like that'
Been so upset... I know I shouldn't be :(

You have every right to be upset. What a nasty way to treat you and make you feel. He is supposed to be your dad and be supportive! Bah, humans suck, cats rock.

Thanks Skinned x
Really hope everything works out for you and you get your flat sold soonest and get to stay with your lovely cats when you come back here.

The cats have said, quite categorically, they have not spend the last 11 years training me in order for me to slope off. I am THEIR pet and I had better start behaving like one and come up with some good ideas worthy of the time and energy spent on my education (how to give a good massage, how not to hit them when turning in bed, how to prepare tuna and chicken properly etc etc) [hgrin]