Am I making heavy weather of parenting?

[happynappies]

I've got a 4 year old, a 2 year old and a 6 month old, and most of the time feel utterly exhausted which I know is probably par for the course. Dh works full-time, and at the moment I'm on maternity leave. I find that other friends are busy with lots of activities - ballet classes, swimming lessons you name it. Typically our weekends are spent either visiting a relative to deliver birthday cards/presents, getting the car MOT'd, getting last minute shopping for the evening meal, that type of thing. Once every few weeks we make a concerted effort and get out to a park with the dc's. Even then it is only for an hour because by the time we leave the house it is time to come back for lunch, and the younger two nap at home in the afternoon. I find that the sheer amount of things I have to do in a day completely overwhelm me. I'm sure there is nothing new here - lots of washing, cooking and cleaning - it all goes with having children, I know. I just seem deluged with it, and can't get on with 'living' because I'm so taken up with all the things that need to be done.

This morning I tried my best to get all three dc up and out for the start of a toddler group which I knew started at 9.30am. Everyone was screaming and crying, I was racing around like I don't know what, we arrived 10 minutes late to find the doors locked, it is a fortnightly group and I've got my dates wrong so we missed it. So went to to local shop, picked up some milk, came home and am now getting lunch ready. Then ds will sleep, will be feeding dd and attempting to keep 4 year old entertained until I start making the tea.

Each day I feel like I'm trapped in a steel cage. I feel that my brain wants to do things other than change nappies and mop up sick. I want to start a business or do a course or something, anything. But on the other hand I can't cope with just getting the meals prepared, dishes washed, and having everyone in bed with everything put away ready to start from the same point tomorrow. Every time I think something, one or the other of the dc's screams or shouts, and I'm going around in circles trying to make sense of this. As my dh points out, its not rocket science - they are only children!! Other people have them, other people manage to stay sane. He is generally very supportive, and does his fair share. In fact, in the evening when he's back from work, we both work flat out cleaning up after the children, doing the dishes, ironing etc, until we fall into bed exhausted.

I had pnd after my second dc, and looking back at what I discussed with a counsellor at the time I see that she suggested we did something that 'energised' us rather than just worked all the time. I've no idea what would energise me as I've lost sight of who I am - I just have to get meals on the table, mop up faces and hands, change nappies, and organise to the nth degree to make any kind of outing possible. I'm weighing up in my mind at the moment whether it is worth actually going out - the stress and anxiety to get everyone ready, to remember everything that is needed, and to get anything done within the timescales given the work I'll have to catch up on when I return... I don't know.

Don't even really know what I'm asking here. I know people might say get out, join groups, see if you can go out with dh in the evening. I feel totally incapable of getting out. I do try, but my brain doesn't work properly and I make mistakes like today - getting the date of the group wrong. When I do get to a toddler group I've got nothing to say. I hare around trying to keep track of everyone, and watch other people in their cliques talking. I feel the most boring person - have got nothing to say. If I make it out to see other Mummy friends they sort of congratulate me for getting out which makes me feel even more feeble. They all seem to have lots to talk about. I don't even watch tv any more so can't even join in conversations at that level. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I don't know whether I'm just not suited to parenting in the early years and it will get better, or whether other people find it just as hard but put a positive slant on it. What to do??!!

It really fucks me off when people have loads of kids and then moan about it.

Why don't you focus on all the lovely things about your kids and how lucky you are to have them. Or that you don't have to go to work today and deal with a bunch of utter bastards.

Sorry. I probably have a chip on my shoulder.

Wow, Drunken Daisy, 'probably have a chip on my shoulder' doesn't even begin to explain how unsupportive that was.

Fwiw, HappyNappies, I often feel very similarly to you, and will be watching this posts for any helpful suggestions that may follow.

Drunken that's the least helpful thing I've heard in a while.

Motherhood can be really tough, and if someone can't come on to Mumsnet and moan about it, then where can they go?

OP, can you sit down and have a full and frank discussion with DH?

3 under five is hell on fucking earth

if you can afford it, sling them into nursery and go back to work.

OMG thats totally out of order Daisy!! What an awful post!

OP I only ave two DC and i feel more or less the same, to my shame i am going back to work p/t soon just to make some space in my own head and do some adult related things, have felt i too am going mad with the grind lately!!

Have no 'words of wisdom' as such but i feel certain it will get easier, all my freinds who have children slightly older than mine say so!!

Hope you get some lovely posts from people who9 can be more constructive.x

Yes, it's hard. Yes, it's boring. Yes, it's utterly soul-destroying sometimes.

But I kind of agree with Daisy, tbh. I'd give anything to be able to be at home with my children, rather than at work.

OP there are days when i could write a post similar to yours... mine are different ages (9, 3 and 1) but we have had 3 years of sleep deprivation and only now finally getting to the point where maybe once or twice a week all 3 kids are asleep for a concurrent period of 6 hours... yes it IS wonderful being a parent, and i adore them and feel blessed to have them, and some days i watch them all playing beautifully in the garden in the sun and feel like i must be doing something right... but it is also bloody hard work a lot of the time when they are young.

several of my more-fortunate-with-babysitting-relatives friends keep suggesting dh and i go away for a weekend without the kids, which yes would be lovely but we don't have anybody to babysit for one night let alone 2 - in fact have not ever had a night away from the younger two children.
so i don't have anything helpful to add other than that i think what you're feeling is completely normal.

I too would give anything to be there to mop faces, make sock puppets and trip around the shops and park....

Instead I have to sit here at work shoe shopping online and drinking tea made by someone else while doing the occasional spot of work :(

You cant win really..

They grow.

Keep breathing...

Is the older one at school or nursery? Can you afford for the middle one to go as well a couple of mornings a week?

What are all these jobs you're doing? Ironing? What do you iron. I do not iron. What's all the cleaning in the evening? Fwiw in the evening I go out to work. Dj makes the kids tea and once they're in bed he relaxes.

Do you need to lower your standards?

It is so easy to say "hey, they're only klids, it isn't rocket science" when you are at work all day. Work is easy, caring for 3 under 5 is very difficult.

I think you need some respite. Never mind doing something that energises you, have a rest. That will energise you and enable you some space in your head to remember who you used to be.

Childminder/nursery for all 3 one day a week. Well worth the expense.

Drunkendaisy, that's horrible

3 children under 4 has got to be very hard work

I don't have any advice sorry, I only have one!

But I do think you should stop beating yourself up about it.
It is a normal thing to feel

Can you afford a cleaner once a week/fortnight?

Ok, I have absolutely no idea what you're going through, but from a purely objective point of view, what can you ditch from your to-do list?
Personally I am of the opinion that virtually nothing needs ironing. If your DH works in an office then that's maybe 5 shirts per week, which you can do in one hit on Sunday evening. Done.
Can you simplify the cooking - so for example make a big batch of bolognaise sauce, then freeze half and use it for lasagne? Make double quantities of mash so you can make fishcakes the next night etc. Have a couple of very easy meals up your sleeve (eggy bread etc) for quick nights.
If you don't have one and can possibly afford/fit one, get a dishwasher and tumble dryer. Consider a cleaner - even a couple of hours once a fortnight makes a massive difference.
Try and minimise housework - outdoor shoes off as you come through the door to reduce hoovering, wipe around the sink after you clean your teeth at night etc.
And sod driving around the country to relatives' for birthday parties. Yes. they're family, but this is YOUR family right now and you need to enjoy them. Pretend one of the kids is poorly and buy yourself a couple of weekends back to have some fun with them.

Omg drunken daisy are you having a bad day?op you have 3 kids under 5 your life will change dramatically when the eldest goes to school, unless you have more this as hard as it will ever be. I have 4dc but spread out over 13 years, ds2 is four months but dh works away so am on my own with them at least half the time, I only iron the stuff that won't uncurl, I prepare dinner during daytime naps. I go to sleep about 9pm ( this keeps me sane) if it's been a good night I get up at 6, if not 7:30, I run around crazy before bath time and once the kids are in bed I sit down with a cup of tea and count my blessings, I never tidy up then, you need your down time too.

Hi HappyNappies

I fully sympathise. Comments about why you had a big family are just silly and unhelpful. Many tasks related to looking after young children and just repetitive and dull!

I have 3, although slightly older. When the youngest was 6 months (she is just about 18 months now), the eldest was 5 and middle one was 2.5.
I have the advantage of the eldest being in school each day. I think this has also been very helpful too, because no matter what else happens, we have to be out of the house by 8.40 to get him to school on time. This has happened every day since the baby was 10 days old.

I do think you might be making heavy weather of some aspects though. For example, I don't spend all evening doing the dishes and other chores. Once the kids are in bed I have a quick tidy round - toys away - and sit down.

I do have a cleaner once a week, but that has been quite a recent thing. I work one evening a week and that pays for the cleaner. I am lucky in that I am a teacher and can tutor from home in the evenings, so that is pretty convenient (I'd sooner teach than clean my house!).

Would a bit more structure to your day/week help? Plan to go to particular groups every week. Once you get in the swing of it, things become much easier.

If hearing someone else's daily routine would help, I'd be happy to post it but don't want to bore you or suggest what I do is right (far from it - I'm feeling quite overwhelmed by the number of things I have to get done before work tomorrow and then all of us going away this weekend).

First and foremost though - ditch the ironing. Life is too short. Fold things once they are dry and then they really don't need ironing.

It does get easier too - a 6 month old still demands so much of your time and probably isn't sleeping that much either.

op, i think you are totally normal - having dcs at those ages is bloody hard work!, i only have one dd, who is now 19, but i do have experience of family and friends being in the same position as you! all i can say is that it does get easier, it will be worth all the hard work, you will find a way through all the nappies and washing and housework and one day you will suddenly be surounded by a wonderful large family!, in the meantime i think dastardlys advice is spot on!

dont set yourself goals you know are bloody impossible to reach right now - as to 'losing yourself', dont worry, you will get you back eventually!, just give yourself some time, dont beat yourself up for what you dont get round to doing but congratulate yourself for all the things you do do! - you are actually doing a fantastic job! be proud of yourself!

daisy, as to you, i thought the point of this mumsnet stuff to help and support other parents?, perhaps you ought to fuck off somewhere else, you are obviously on the wrong site - but hey!, take no notice of me!, perhaps i have a chip on my shoulder!

I second a lot of the comments above. 2 under-3s was QUITE hard enough for me without a preschooler in the mix as well, you sound as though you are doing really well considering - I would never have managed to get just 2 DCs to toddler group for 9.30am for example! It really will get easier as they get older though - I am already finding it a bit easier now the baby is walking and can amuse herself better, is sleeping (a bit) better, and now that we can all eat the same food.

In terms of making things a bit easier, yes definitely consider a cleaner/dishwasher etc if you can afford it, and think about inviting friends and family etc round to yours a bit more if that is easier for you than going out. Have you got any family who can help out for a bit now and then? - even if they can't babysit they may be able to come and play with the kids for a while so you can get on top of things or else put your feet up.

Is the 4-year-old going to any preschool/nursery/playgroup?

As for DH I am guessing by the "rocket science" comment that he hasn't spent all that much time looking after the DCs on his own? If so I would make sure he does take charge on his own for a few hours at the weekend now and again to give you a break. And make sure it really is him doing it - not him taking them out for a nice jolly after getting you to do all the prep work and leaving you to clear up all the mess afterwards

I had three pre-schoolers and it is very tough. If you can afford a cleaner for two hours twice a week, that would make a HUGE difference.
You have to find way to cut corners and make life enjoyable for yourself, so like others say - try to make your life simpler. Cut back on the cooking. Lunch shouldn't be more than a sandwich and a piece of fruit. It takes two mins to put together.
At the week end, leave the mess and go out to the park. You have to build in fun. So what if the two little ones sleep in the afternoon, let the older one go with her dad in the afternoon and have fun. The more you are in the house, the more mess they make and the more it gets you down!
Don't see the housework as tyranny. Don't be perfect with it. Forget the ironing. Shove the toys in a box at the end of the day and shove it behind the sofa. It'll all be turned upside the next morning again anyway. Make a point of watching TV with your DH and having down time. Enjoy a bottle of wine together. Start getting the children ready for bed at five, so they're in by 6.30pm. This is normal parental behaviour!
I think you are expecting too much perfection.

OP, fully sympathise too. Small children are hard and most importantly relentless work...

To be honest, I think you really should try to find a few hrs a week when you can have a break from caring for your children. Would your dh spend, for example, a saturday afternoon with the children while you go for a walk/cinema7museum/library (insert what you like doing)?

Would having a cleaner once a week help?

Can you perhaps send dh with the older ones to the park, while you do something more relaxing with the baby, who is more potable than a toddler?

portable, not potable

Happynappies - it does get better, honestly! Very soon your 4 year old will be going to school. Dont worry, you will cope with that because only your 4 year old has to be dressed. Everyone else can stay in pyjamas!

When ours were small whenever we saw someone struggling with just one child we always muttered 'amateurs!'.

Having 3 or more DCs (especially when they are close in age) is a completely different group dynamic from having 2 or 1. You are always outnumbered by them. You dont have enough hands to hold them or heads to think about them but this will pass.

You are doing well! When you have 3 getting out of the house in approximately weather appropriate clothes is an achievement!

colditz

Well OP I only have 2, a 5 year old and a 22 month old. I am a SAHM and generally I love it and of course I know I am blessed to have two gorgeous children and a supportive husband.

But the plain fact is that motherhood is hard sometimes. It isn't always perfect and it can be draining. Like you some days feel like constant nappies, shouting and disasters

My problem is that everyday there seems to be some dilema. Today the car is at the garage and it is ds ride a bike to nursery day. I forgot to take the pram out of the boot so that went too. It is raining and so I had to put dd, who weighs a ton in the backpack. We left late because ds was taking ages to eat lunch - he is having some drama about gagging on bread so takes the tiniest bird sized bites and chews for an eternity.

He wouldn't cycle up hills and insisted I push him, which with dd on my back does not do my shoulder and back ache any good. He kept getting off, we were late (which would mean squeezing dd nap in difficult) so I shouted at him and was really mean about his cycling

He was crying and I was exhausted argh! I apologised unreservedly and told him it wasn't his fault and I bucked my act up for the rest of the way but now I feel guilty.

However every day there are good moments too and I used to write down three good things that had happened or three nice things I had done for the kids that day.

OP you are in such a hard phase of motherhood. I mean three pre schoolers (including a baby) is tough, tough, tough. For those of you who were a bit curt with your replies and implying how lucky she is to be at home, well it is worth remembering that some days it would be easier being at work and being a SAHM is a sacrifice too.

Of course whatever choice you make in life there are sacrifices and no choice is perfect. There are definately benefits and lovely sides to being a SAHM.

OP it will get easier but if you are having a tough patch be kinder to yourself. Help yourself in any way you can. Cut down on ironing? Organise your shopping and food? Get some help, paid or otherwise? Have easy meals on tough days? Use the TV when necessary?

Could you set aside a bit of time each week, even just an hour or two where dh takes the kids e.g. when the youngest are napping and you indulge yourself. A long, hot bath and a good book?

Once your youngest is a bit older could you face a night class one evening a week?

As for feeling like others are doing much more well I have learnt that appearances can be deceptive and also the ages your kids are at, it doesn't matter. What they need most is love, security and a good enough mummy (not perfect just good enough). In our western world we get bogged down with keeping up with the pace and target driven philosophies.

As someone who had an abusive childhood and never had a loving mother, I can tell you I would swap all the swimming classes in the world to have had one

I have 3 under 4, so i understand where you are coming from BUT it shouldn't be as bad as this all day everyday. You really need to get organised with meal planning, present buying etc as the other posters have said. I make big batches of easy stuff like roast veg, tomatoe sauce, cheese saucees, mash potatoes and freeze at least half of everything. Then i can use these things to make dinners quickly, which i normally do in the morning before going out, or if im in, in the afternoon, do it while the los are sleeping. My 3 and 2 yos tidy up their own toys- for the most part- and we do a mid-day tidy too, so there isn't loads to be done later. Also, in terms of housework, I do about half an hour in the morning, when I am still in my jammies- get the laundry started, dishes, quick run around with hoover (if needed), and when I go for a shower I do a quick wipe round the bathroom- little and often. I go out every morning, do something nice, dd1 goes to nursery 3afternoons, so if I want I'll go round to other mum friends- drink tea and eat cake , lo will nap in pram or something. If ur feeling this bad, I wouldn't let their routine, stop you from spending time with other adults. I DO NOTHING once the children are in bed, I make sure the house is tidy before they go down, so I can then have a glass of wine and chill out. (PS I also have NO family help and dh works away frequently, so I do understand, but you do have the power to change this)