Am I making heavy weather of parenting?

[happynappies]

I've got a 4 year old, a 2 year old and a 6 month old, and most of the time feel utterly exhausted which I know is probably par for the course. Dh works full-time, and at the moment I'm on maternity leave. I find that other friends are busy with lots of activities - ballet classes, swimming lessons you name it. Typically our weekends are spent either visiting a relative to deliver birthday cards/presents, getting the car MOT'd, getting last minute shopping for the evening meal, that type of thing. Once every few weeks we make a concerted effort and get out to a park with the dc's. Even then it is only for an hour because by the time we leave the house it is time to come back for lunch, and the younger two nap at home in the afternoon. I find that the sheer amount of things I have to do in a day completely overwhelm me. I'm sure there is nothing new here - lots of washing, cooking and cleaning - it all goes with having children, I know. I just seem deluged with it, and can't get on with 'living' because I'm so taken up with all the things that need to be done.

This morning I tried my best to get all three dc up and out for the start of a toddler group which I knew started at 9.30am. Everyone was screaming and crying, I was racing around like I don't know what, we arrived 10 minutes late to find the doors locked, it is a fortnightly group and I've got my dates wrong so we missed it. So went to to local shop, picked up some milk, came home and am now getting lunch ready. Then ds will sleep, will be feeding dd and attempting to keep 4 year old entertained until I start making the tea.

Each day I feel like I'm trapped in a steel cage. I feel that my brain wants to do things other than change nappies and mop up sick. I want to start a business or do a course or something, anything. But on the other hand I can't cope with just getting the meals prepared, dishes washed, and having everyone in bed with everything put away ready to start from the same point tomorrow. Every time I think something, one or the other of the dc's screams or shouts, and I'm going around in circles trying to make sense of this. As my dh points out, its not rocket science - they are only children!! Other people have them, other people manage to stay sane. He is generally very supportive, and does his fair share. In fact, in the evening when he's back from work, we both work flat out cleaning up after the children, doing the dishes, ironing etc, until we fall into bed exhausted.

I had pnd after my second dc, and looking back at what I discussed with a counsellor at the time I see that she suggested we did something that 'energised' us rather than just worked all the time. I've no idea what would energise me as I've lost sight of who I am - I just have to get meals on the table, mop up faces and hands, change nappies, and organise to the nth degree to make any kind of outing possible. I'm weighing up in my mind at the moment whether it is worth actually going out - the stress and anxiety to get everyone ready, to remember everything that is needed, and to get anything done within the timescales given the work I'll have to catch up on when I return... I don't know.

Don't even really know what I'm asking here. I know people might say get out, join groups, see if you can go out with dh in the evening. I feel totally incapable of getting out. I do try, but my brain doesn't work properly and I make mistakes like today - getting the date of the group wrong. When I do get to a toddler group I've got nothing to say. I hare around trying to keep track of everyone, and watch other people in their cliques talking. I feel the most boring person - have got nothing to say. If I make it out to see other Mummy friends they sort of congratulate me for getting out which makes me feel even more feeble. They all seem to have lots to talk about. I don't even watch tv any more so can't even join in conversations at that level. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I don't know whether I'm just not suited to parenting in the early years and it will get better, or whether other people find it just as hard but put a positive slant on it. What to do??!!

OP ,Christ I am exhausted just reading your post about what you do everyday!!!

Buy big freezer buy shop bread

Stop Ironing

Wash clothes/bedding less often ..lower your standards

DRink wine

Inigo I do have a bit of a 'Go Go Go!' approach to mornings

Ok so in detail
(set timer at night so washing machine comes on first thing)
Get up, go downstairs, kettle on.
Cereal into bowls, juice poured, dc seated
Make tea, eat own cereal. While dc finish theirs I fill water bottles for school and preschool and fill the washing up bowl ready for dishes.
Put dishes into water
Then I wipe their hands and faces, whip off their pjs and quickly get their clothes on them (to be fair dd does most of hers alone and ds is getting better) Clothes were got ready the night before so there is no hunting for anything.
Brush their hair and tie dd's up.
Drink tea
Jump into shower (don't forget I've washed hair and shaved legs etc the night before so it is more of a rinse off)
Get dressed, put on make up (2 minutes nothing fancy!), brush hair
All brush teeth.
Quick swish and rinse of dishes, wipe table, sweep underneath if anything has been dropped.
Hang out washing (this does sometimes get left til after school run depending whether I am returning home and sometimes happens whilst dc are finishing breakfast depending how long they take)
Shoes and coats on, grab bags and bottles and arrive at school with a minute to spare (I only live 2 mins from school!).

Then I breathe!

Can you afford someone to come in and help with the housework once a week? Three hours would get you a clean bathroom, kitchen, hoovering, dusting and quite possibly some ironing as well. Or a clean kitchen/bathroom and loads of ironing done.
I know some people are sniffy about other people having cleaners but never underestimate the freedom they bring.
And also stop beating yourself up - you ARE living, you're being a brilliant mum to your three children. It won't be long before you get more time for yourself again.

Also do you think you may have pnd - you seem to be very hard on yourself and despondent?

You are doing way too much washing!!!! We are a family of 5 too, and I do nowhere near 4 loads a day. More like 1 a day (and we use reusable nappies too - nappy load once or twice a week).

And I kind of think that your reply saying what you do was kind of giving you excuses for the way you do things too.

eg. Bathtime - bath kids, fish out clothes that can be worn again while older 2 are in bath, wash baby, kids out, jamas on, 2 minutes tidying bathroom. Job done.

My DH does what you do - leaving the mess until later. It's a real drag tidying it up later on. Do it there and then, doesn't take any more time.

eg 2. Dinner time - once everyone has eaten main course and is on their fruti/biscuit whatever, do all the washing up then. Oldest child runs up and puts the plug in the bath and tap on while you tidy up. By the time bathtime starts, your kitchen is tidy. (DS has put the taps on for me since he was about 3!)

If you getting up at 5.30 every morning this really is insane.

I get up at 7/7.30 and still get DC1 to school on time. Have done since DC3 was 10 days old. My DH is out of the house from 7.30 until 7.30 every day so this is all done single handly too.

Take a step back, only wash clothes that are properly dirty and maybe only every other day, only cook meals that are easy for the kids (at least for the next couple of weeks maybe). Don't do hot lunches at all. Everyone eat the same bread (it really doesn't go off that quickly!). Have 1 big shop a week and then 1 specific bread/milk top up shop once a week - or get milk delivered - our milkman (Co-op) will delivery bread and all sorts too.

How about leaving the kids with DH one Saturday a month? Even just for the morning? You can go and do something you really want to or just sleep, whilst your DH gains some experience in your day to day life. It will teach him to appreciate what you do and give you a bit of respite.

IMHO you need to lower your standards, you're expecting far too much of yourself. Prioritise the DCs and let the housework slide.

NO ironing!
Your bedsheets don't need to be changed every week.
Put a muslin under the baby to catch sick -easier to wash than sheets.
Make DH responsible for his own washing. He's a grown man.
Hoover as little as you can bear.
Give your DH responsibility for one of the big jobs like bathroom cleaning

The house doesn't need to be spotless, just passable!

I've 3dc (5, 4 and 7months). to get through each day my husband (who works very full time and i'm a sahm) reminds me daily of our mantra for 2011 'well-being' which really means 'take every short-cut necessary to get through each day unscathed). For example: i used reusables for dc1&2. this time round they are still in the drawer but TOTALLY untouched. give yourself a namechange! there has been so much good advice given on this thread I'm not going to repeat it all but the expectations on mothers today to be perfect are ridiculous (look at any tv advert and you know what i mean). lower your standards, mine are now non existent (other than behaviour!). it doesn't make you feel great if you like doing things 'properly' but I've finally figured there's time for all that later (ie when they've all left home!!).

school/ playgroup runs do give you structure to the day but i've had my 7 month old in no routine as a result. ah well, she's currently in her bouncer laughing at her big brothers 'cars' dvd! .

my kids are same aes as yours, the eldest oes to nursery in the afternoon, while she is in nursery i take the other 2 to toddler roup, i find it is better to take the 2 year old to activites with a desinated end, as she doesnt start beatin me up when its time to o home.

where do you live? you miht be eliible for ne rant for your 2 year old as you have 3 kids under 5, check it out and you could et 15hrs nursery for her.

i wake up at 10 am with baby, i have tea and hoover, et the baby ready, then i et the 4 yr old up and ready, then around 11/11.15 i et the 2 yr old up and ready, i put them in front of tv with brekkie while i et ready and make ba with nappies etc.

12.15 i leave the house put the youner 2 in double pushchair and oldest reluctantly walks.
12.45 et to nursery

i would never even attempt to stress myself out by havin to o somewhere with all the kids at 9.30 am it is an impossibility for me, i have to be a bit realistic about these thins.

the childrens centre does excercise classes etc with a creche, the 2 yr old loves the creche.

i do open uni, and learnin a lanuae over skype 3 days a week, i just let them play while i sit on laptop.

i found a jumperoo very helpful, mine is off ebay.
i leave them with dad when shoppin. f he doesnt look after them so ican o shoppin then we eat takeaway every day on the way home from school and he starves.

in the mornin when im makin tea i put washin in machine and take it out just before i leave.

my house is not the cleanest tbh, upstairs hardly ets done.

I had 3 of 3y/o and under at one time...

Tbh I gave up with the 'going out' faff!

They played with each other whilst I did tidying and jobs etc...stair gates fitted everywhere so I didn't have to be quite so watchful...playpen for youngest to be safe from running brothers!

I always used disposable nappies, never ironed kiddy clothes, shopped on line...bought a swing and climbing frame etc for the garden...end of park visits...relatives came to us.

All days out done on a weekend when DH around to help out.

I used to have 'me' time when the DCs napped. I never did 'jobs' at nap time...usually I snuck off to beat something up on the Playstation!

Out of bed at 6am to leave for nursery run at 8.30am, pick up milk etc on way home, back up to nursery for lunchtime pick up...feed everyone...all napping by 1pm...then 'me' time. Usually all DC's awake for approx 3pm....playtime 'til tea...tea at 5 ish....bath and bed for 6.30pm. BF baby at 9 ish back in cot for the night.

No housework etc done after 6.30pm...toys chucked in playpen/stacker box... sit down with DH.

.....and then you get to do it all again tomorrow!

They are now pre/teens but I did that damned school run routine, with addition for 3pm pick up, for nigh on 10 years....I was so glad when the day came for them to walk themselves!

Take heart OP it really does get easier...just the fact of them all being able to feed themselves is a noteworthy moment of liberty!

I am a bread making, ironing, cloth nappy using wash freak too. But I only have 2 children and I don't feel overwhelmed. I suspect my house is messier than yours. I work one morning a week (and 4 additional hours at home in the evenings). I also have time to write a blog, volunteer for the church and have a little bit of a social life.

You need to stop trying to be mother superior. If you have no time for yourself and are at breaking point, STOP making bread FGS. Use disposable nappies for a while and STOP ironing. Let household standards drop. Your DC won't even notice, and you will be a calmer person for it.

You will save hours a week, which you can spend on MN productively - read a book, write down your ideas for that small business, see some friends etc.

Also, at the weekends prioritise the things that make you happy as a family, not endless chores and certainly not blimmin hand delivering presents and cards.

Yes agree with others on here. You are doing too much

Don't iron - I iron nothing. My H's work shirts go to the dry cleaners and thats it. We don't buy clothes that need to be ironed.
You are doing too much washing. Even with cloth nappies and a 6 month old 4 loads a day is ridiculous. Your bed clothes don't need changing once a week. Every 2 weeks will do you.
Children don't need to be bathed everyday. Three times a week is fine.
You sound like you are constantly tidying and cleaning. I think your standards may be too high?
Also please try and figure out somewhere you can fit a dishwasher. Not washing dishes will help so much in relieving the feeling of everyday drudgery.

Sounds to me like you are absolutely knackered. Things are always so much worse when you are tired. I had 3 under 4 and it is hard work. As others have mentioned this is the hardest it will be.

I do agree that you need to drop your shoulders and perhaps turn a blind eye to things, however, if you are like me then seeing a pile of unwashed clothes or dust balls by the skirting boards or toys not put away will just stress you. I have a cleaner once a week. I've had her for about 6 months and I am like a new woman! My house gets a proper clean once a week so for the rest of the week it is much easier to keep on top of the cleaning and tidying.

You already sound pretty organised and I suspect you won't stop making bread, washing nappies or ironing even! I think you need some proper R&R. My DH and I take turns for a lie in on the weekend. I get Saturday he gets Sunday. That is my me time. I read a book or watch crap telly, he even brings me breakfast in bed! He gets to spend time with the children and I get a rest.

It will get better. 6 months is still so young. None of mine slept through until about a year, DD3 went backwards at about 9 months and started waking every 2 hours from 10 o'clock for a feed. I had to make her go cold turkey at night, we put her in the study and turned off the monitor!

Things are always better after a good night sleep. You will be able to get up for the 9.30 playgroup and it will do you all good. Lay breakfast and clothes out the night before. Have a bath at night. We have breakfast at 7.45 and we are out of the door at 8.30, if they haven't finished breakfast then have some snacks in your bag (banana and brioche fill gaps). Your 6 month can have milk whilst you all eat then have breakfast on the go in the buggy.

Sorry, I'm rambling and I've got to go and clear up downstairs!!

God, yes you MUST get a dishwasher, mine saved my life!

I have 4 dc but over 16 yrs, they are now 17, 15, 3 and 15m. It must be sooo hard having 3, 4 and under.

I find things get so much easier after that first year. I am never on time ever. My brain does'nt work properly anymore but I have come to terms with that!

I felt much better when I went back to work, am now back full time and feel like me again.

To echo previous posters, you could prob cut back on the washing - I do about 10 loads a week including towels and bedlinen, for the 6 of us. The thing that saved my sanity was lyingdownonthesofasloblike sitting down straight after dc were in bed every night, sod what else needed doing, am currently mning whilst drinking wine waiting to order celebratory (got promotion today) takeaway for me and big dc - my living room is an utter state but I'll whizz round it when food is on the way, besides it will only be trashed again in about 11 hours time.....

I think you are utterly normal, bear with it - it will get better.

You sound very stressed and very knackered, and you seem to be imposing very high standards on yourself.

You're not suffering from depression, are you? I'm just wondering as you seem to have quite a list of things that you 'must do' for you to be a 'good mother' (e.g. the ironing, the bed changing, the nappies), and they're putting you under a lot of pressure. You seem to feel that you have to do the ironing, even though it's making life more difficult for you.

And are you getting enough sleep?

Your DH doesn't sound particularly helpful / sympathetic - I wonder if he needs to spend more time responsible for the DCs?

Could you install 'quiet time' where the 4 yr old has to be in his/her room listening to a story CD or similar while the 2 yr old is napping? That way you can have time for yourself or use the time to do jobs so your evenings are clear.
Or put your 4 yr old in front of the computer, there are loads of great sites for kids which are educational too, while you get on with jobs nearby.

I'm stuck with the rocket science comment. How about on Saturday you go out. Leave DH to care for the three, including cooking meals, laundry, housework, toy pickup, wholesome activity w children, maybe some bulk cooking, and take all three kids somewhere. He can do it, it's not rocket science!

Don't have meals ready in the fridge, he's on his own!

Ha ha, there's an old German folktale about that. Suffice to say while the Mrs has a calm day picking turnips in the sunshine the husband manages to kill the pig, get stew all over the floor and get the baby stranded up the chimney.

I would raid your savings and book yourself a week or long weekend away somewhere, alone!

Places like Morocco are rather cheaper than Europe, given the weak pound.

Leave your h with 3 under 4 and see how he finds it.

And when you get back, at least stop the ironing. If you can possibly ditch cloth nappies and find room for dishwasher, then great.

(I am NOT a mum by the way - looking after me is quite enough!)

Also, I have found myself in completely different circs, but when utterly stressed to the max that rushing to a place and finding the door closed, finding the door metaphorically slammed in your face, just seeing the train doors close as you run up - can have an effect way out of proprotion to the event itself. It's so symbolic somehow.

Get up at 10am then eldest up at 11ish!! Not op but another poster! Ridiculous!

I have 5 children, aged 5 to 17, but at one stage 3 under 4. If you are relaxed about housework and ironing then let it go, but if like me feel more in control when ahead of your game then go for it, my advice would be set your alarm for an hour before the kids wake up so your washed dressed and feel ahead before the onslaught of kids.

The words that rang alarm bells for me in one of your posts was 'colour coded towels'.

To me this just says that your self imposed standards are WAY too high.

Life with 3 littles is really hard (I have 1 in school and 2 preschool. Having 3 preschool must be hellish).

You don't mention your H helping? Does he ever take all the kids so you can get out of the house alone? Do you have a relative / friend who could take some/any of your DC on a regular basis?

The grind is relentless, and not sure there's much you can do about that, but try not to get stuck in the house too much. It becomes too much of a prison. Even just getting into the garden is helpful in getting a bit of headspace.

Hope you can put some of the great advice on this thread into action, and most of all, hope you can go a bit easier on yourself. I had PND after 3rd and it does make it very hard to see the point in anything, or the joy. Could you have PND?

Take care