Am I making heavy weather of parenting?

[happynappies]

I've got a 4 year old, a 2 year old and a 6 month old, and most of the time feel utterly exhausted which I know is probably par for the course. Dh works full-time, and at the moment I'm on maternity leave. I find that other friends are busy with lots of activities - ballet classes, swimming lessons you name it. Typically our weekends are spent either visiting a relative to deliver birthday cards/presents, getting the car MOT'd, getting last minute shopping for the evening meal, that type of thing. Once every few weeks we make a concerted effort and get out to a park with the dc's. Even then it is only for an hour because by the time we leave the house it is time to come back for lunch, and the younger two nap at home in the afternoon. I find that the sheer amount of things I have to do in a day completely overwhelm me. I'm sure there is nothing new here - lots of washing, cooking and cleaning - it all goes with having children, I know. I just seem deluged with it, and can't get on with 'living' because I'm so taken up with all the things that need to be done.

This morning I tried my best to get all three dc up and out for the start of a toddler group which I knew started at 9.30am. Everyone was screaming and crying, I was racing around like I don't know what, we arrived 10 minutes late to find the doors locked, it is a fortnightly group and I've got my dates wrong so we missed it. So went to to local shop, picked up some milk, came home and am now getting lunch ready. Then ds will sleep, will be feeding dd and attempting to keep 4 year old entertained until I start making the tea.

Each day I feel like I'm trapped in a steel cage. I feel that my brain wants to do things other than change nappies and mop up sick. I want to start a business or do a course or something, anything. But on the other hand I can't cope with just getting the meals prepared, dishes washed, and having everyone in bed with everything put away ready to start from the same point tomorrow. Every time I think something, one or the other of the dc's screams or shouts, and I'm going around in circles trying to make sense of this. As my dh points out, its not rocket science - they are only children!! Other people have them, other people manage to stay sane. He is generally very supportive, and does his fair share. In fact, in the evening when he's back from work, we both work flat out cleaning up after the children, doing the dishes, ironing etc, until we fall into bed exhausted.

I had pnd after my second dc, and looking back at what I discussed with a counsellor at the time I see that she suggested we did something that 'energised' us rather than just worked all the time. I've no idea what would energise me as I've lost sight of who I am - I just have to get meals on the table, mop up faces and hands, change nappies, and organise to the nth degree to make any kind of outing possible. I'm weighing up in my mind at the moment whether it is worth actually going out - the stress and anxiety to get everyone ready, to remember everything that is needed, and to get anything done within the timescales given the work I'll have to catch up on when I return... I don't know.

Don't even really know what I'm asking here. I know people might say get out, join groups, see if you can go out with dh in the evening. I feel totally incapable of getting out. I do try, but my brain doesn't work properly and I make mistakes like today - getting the date of the group wrong. When I do get to a toddler group I've got nothing to say. I hare around trying to keep track of everyone, and watch other people in their cliques talking. I feel the most boring person - have got nothing to say. If I make it out to see other Mummy friends they sort of congratulate me for getting out which makes me feel even more feeble. They all seem to have lots to talk about. I don't even watch tv any more so can't even join in conversations at that level. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I don't know whether I'm just not suited to parenting in the early years and it will get better, or whether other people find it just as hard but put a positive slant on it. What to do??!!

why is it ridiculous if it works for me and my family? and i am not stressed, on top of everythin, have time to myself etc? and when i say et up at 10 i actually meant come downstairs, obviously i am up earlier feedin and chanin baby!!! lol

and the baby oes to sleep at 8 and the others at 9, after bein in their room readin etc first, works for me!

I don't think colour coded towels are a sign of high standards but a 'short cut'.
If everyone has a different colour, towels don't get mixed up and they don't need washing so often.
At the moment, DH only has one shower a week at home (he's not skanky, he works away) so I only wash his towel once a month!

OP, you're doing a terrific job. Your house is clean, your food is fresh, your children are clean and tidy and dressed well, your marriage is good,

But that's not what you want to do, really, is it? All these mundane tasks, I think you're channeling all your energies into them because you're seeking a sense of achievement. It's no good to say "let your standards slip" if what's going on is that you feel that you're not doing anything worthwhile, because then all that happens is you feel like you're not doing anything worthwhile and you're in a grubby house! So all these organisation tips, while very useful in their own way, I don't think address the problem.

If all the logistics were taken care of - if you had a fulltime housekeeper doing the housework, an au pair doing the nursery run and helping entertain the children, whatever it is you'd like - what would your days, ideally, look like? Would you be happy looking after small children if you could spend your days with mummy friends, or at groups, or in the park? Or do you long for more free adult time away from them altogether? Would you be happier in paid work? What would your ideal day look like, is what I'm asking?

There's no right answer to that, but it might help focus the source of your unhappiness.

Couldn't make it back last night because dd2 was having a mammoth feeding session and fell straight into bed after that, but again have had another look through the helpful responses. On a practical level, no we haven't got a downstairs toilet - dishwasher is a no. I don't really think the breadmaker or cloth nappies are the real issues, have been doing them for so long I don't think about them, just small tasks in the overall run of things. I don't think of myself as mother superior, with hugely high standards. The house is often quite grubby. I wipe around bathroom/kitchen surfaces as I go, and often can't get around to doing a big clean. I sweep round the floors to get rid of as much of the debris as possible but don't have time to mop properly in the day, and come evening its the last thing I want to do. I notice the dirt and dust because I'm here, and as someone pointed out, it does drive me to distraction, but I'm pragmatic about it. The things I need to do are get the food on the table, and get the children up, washed, dressed, nappies changed, and back to bed again at the end of the day. I'm sure some of the elements of my routine are odd to some - I like to lift the children straight out of the 'blast zone' at tea time and get them straight into the bath, the sooner they are in bed the more time there will be to clean highchair/table/dishes, and if I were to try to commence cleaning up while they were in the living room they'd just undo all the tidying up I'd just prompted them painfully to do and we'd end up going around in another circle!

Dh's 'rocket science' remark - he's not as bad as he sounds... What he was trying to say was that I worry too much, and should over-analyse. When I'm not on mat leave he looks after the children when I work, so although he hasn't had all three yet he does understand some of what I'm saying. I can't leave all three with him because I'm bf the youngest and don't express, but accept this. He finds it hard to know exactly what to say to me because he's tired too, working every hour at work to try to earn more because we're in a small house with lots of mouths to feed. He feels a lot of pressure, and would like to be able to take some off me no doubt!

Last night in amongst all the feeding I was in floods of tears, absolutely exhausted, and dreading dh going on a course this morning - only away two nights but still, v. intimidated about it. He was saying he'd do what I wanted at the weekend, would take the eldest two out, let me have a rest, whatever, I just need to say. Don't know what to say though! Part of me thinks Tortoise in the last post is hitting the nail on the head. I don't really know what would make me happy. I hate work when I'm at work. I hate the mundane tasks at home. I find the effort of going out too much. I can't understand why I'm finding life so hard - I should be able to cope with making breakfast, lunch, tea, changing some nappies and feeding a baby. I've done it for four years, its not as if its new to me!! Don't have a whole lot of family help so don't really get the 'space' to think straight. Dd 1 is at nursery this morning, and dd2 asleep, so I'm making myself sit down and think here and now, while ds is reading his book for five minutes. Haven't done any ironing for a few days now!! Feel very self-indulgent even writing this - am sure people cope with far worse.... think someone mentioned the symbolic thing of the doors being shut. Did just burst into tears when I got there and the doors were shut yesterday, maybe a sign that I'm over-tired. I noticed the symptoms of PND when ds was about 6 months, perhaps there is some sort of hormonal high that gets me through the first bit post-birth, but it wears out and I'm left feeling like this. Need to make some changes, I can see that, but perhaps a bit deeper than fine tuning my daily routine. Thanks for giving me some really good ideas and the chance to offload my frustration, I'll push on and see how I manage with no dh for the next couple of days!

shouldn't over-analyse that should be, not 'should over-analyse'

It does sound from your last post that you might be depressed happynappies - that sense that you won't feel better even if everything changed, the tiredness, the sense of dissatisfaction, the feeling of never being on top of things are all warning signs. Of course you're tired and overworked but the fact that you can't put a finger on what might make you feel better does seem to suggest that, as you say, it's something deeper. What do you think?

I'm coming back to this after having posted quite early on yesterday and reading your further posts about exactly what you are acheiving and I'm surprised (pleasantly) at how much it is.

From you initial OP I imagined that you were really struggling and not getting anything done but it seems that the opposite is true - you are actually on top of everything.

I don't have personal experience of depresssion but wonder if others are right because from your posts you don't appear too have any reason to be feeling as inadequate as you obviously do.

Your posts seems flat and resigned as if you've given up - do you think a chat with your GP or health visitor might help?

Yep I agree with the possible depression bit too if you really can not say what would make you happy.

Now for the helpful advice, i found that what worked for me was to be very organized.

• So I meal planned (so I didn't have to think what to prepare for lunch/dinner) and always did double portions so i could freeze a meal.
• Had a calendar with all the useful 'dates' (such a playgroup)
• Refused to do anything to do with housework afer 9.30am. Anything that wasn't done had to wait until the day after. that way i found I wasn't feeling guilty/unhappy all the time about the state of the house.
• took some time to see what was working the best for us ie stayig in the house or going out. For me, going out was better (the dcs could run around, were not as grumpy than at home) so I had a bag near the pushchair with all i needed (nappies, wipes etc...) so I just had to grab that it and go. If staying at home had worked better, i would just have stopped trying to go to P&T groups just because I 'ought to' iyswim.
• Always ensure that we were doing something together as a family at the weekend. Always something very child friendly but that in some wasy we, as adults, could enjoy too (for us it meant museums and being outdoors). We were going out and 'play' for about an hour, have lunch and then 'play' a bot more before heading back home. youngest dc (and quite often the oldest too) was then having his nap in the car/pushchair.
• Giving quite a bit if responsbility to DH re housework (ironing, hoovering... became his sole responsability)

Hope this helps.

BTW, you don't sound self indulgent at all. No one bar you can tell how difficult you find all that.

Hopefully for you it is just a case of needing to lower your standards and accept the chaos will lift in the next couple of years. Have seen some of the suggestions which are great. Haven't read whole thread so don't know if it's been mentioned yet or not.

I know you mentioned PND - which was what was suggested to me post delivery. However I knew inside it wasn't depression I was just depressed that I couldn't cope due to exhaustion. If I could just get some energy then I knew I'd be fine and this is what made me want to cry.

Brain fog was one of my main exhaustion problems as I could never remember what I was trying to remember and was in a right muddle. My life became a bit keystone cops with so many things going wrong (due to me being constantly confused). Everyone would say write a list etc. and I could barely even think straight and knew tips and lists wouldn't make slight bit of difference to me back then.

A lot of people will put up with feeling rubbish as they assume everyone else does. I knew it seemed like depression but I knew inside I wasn't depressed just felt like crying because if I could just have some energy I'd be fine. Even had hypnotherapy thinking it's all in my brain.

Saw an endocrinologist turned out it was hormone imbalance. If the PND fits how you feel - do you need to see GP again maybe regarding this? Or have you had any similar thoughts that I touched on above? In my case I became a different person within a week of changing diet/medication. Equally if I don't follow the advice within a week I plummet and become a shadow of myself again.

Happynappies - not sure what I can add to all the really helpful replies you've had so far, but just wanted to say I can empathise with what you're saying. I may be wrong but you sound similar to me in that you feel anxious about getting everything done and maybe find it difficult to relax and maybe even feel guilty if you do anything for yourself. I know its difficult to find time, but even really little things like finding half an hour to read a book, maybe if your DH does some of the tidying up one day when the DCs are in bed. Make sure you sit down and don't think about any chores for half an hour or so.

I only have two DCs (4 and 2) but I find the days I'm at home with them much more exhausting than the days I'm at work! Its lovely, I am very lucky, but I waste so much time and energy feeling anxious and stressed! Going out to work I can work on a project, it eventually gets finished, and I can tick it off and feel as though I've achieved something. At home I do all the jobs but then a couple of hours later they need doing again so it feels as though its never ending - they can never be ticked off. If something or someone is being difficult at work I can negotiate, come up with a plan and work though it. At home it can be impossible to negotiate with young children, especially if they are lying on the floor screaming and refusing to put their shoes on (this rarely happens at work!)

You said you had PND before - it might be worth talking to your doctor about it, even if you don't have depression now, you may be feeling anxious and they might have some advice on how to cope with it. I was fine for the first year after DD was born but then started to feel depressed when she was about 12 months old. I took medication and it did really help.

Having young children is bloody hard work, but how you feel in your own head makes a huge difference in how you deal with it. When I have a bad day if one of the DCs kicks off, refuses to get dressed or whatever, I feel as though I'm a terrible parent and as though my life is one long drudge where I get no thanks and just get screamed at. On a good day the same thing can happen but I can just laugh - looking at DD throwing her clothes behind the bed in a stubborn tantrum can be quite amusing - her face is so funny and the fact that she doesn't want to wear blue socks is the Most Important Thing in the World to her. I accept we're not going to leave the house and just go with it.

Hope things go ok with your DH away - keep talking on here if it gets too bad!

Just quickly homeboys, I don't iron sheets towels underpants - just iron childrens clothes really. I know I don't need to do this, and have said I'll ditch ironing. The 4 loads a day - 1 is nappies (two dc's are in reusables so can't get by without doing this daily). My ds has reflux and have always had to wash so many clothes for him. Not so bad now he has just turned two, but if he's not sick he's covered in food, or mud, or whatever.... I don't wash clothes unless I have to. The six month old is often sick all over me, so have to wash my stuff, dh's work clothes daily so I do one load of nappies, one load of white stuff (mostly baby) one load of dark stuff (clothes) and usually there will be another load made up of either bedding or towels. Sometimes it is three loads a day. I pick up bits in the week from the shop because my brain doesn't work. I keep forgetting things. I menu plan, and order what I need, then realise I literally don't have an onion in the fridge for the bolognaise, or we've run down the milk. I have sixteen pints delivered, but can't fit any more in the fridge and it would go out of date. I freeze what I can, but can't physically fit more in the freezer. Space is a major issue - can't get a full-length fridge in the kitchen as we need the freezer too. What am I going to change this week? I'm not ironing, I'm trying to take some time out to think, and I'm trying to think of what dh can do to help me because I know he wants to. Thanks for your suggestions, am trying to bear it all in mind!

Embrace the chaos.

Fuck the ironing, who cares if you forget stuff, I do it all the time, just either make something else or go get it. Make the bolognese without onions, it may taste weird but everyone will live.

I forgot playgroup today, I only have a 7yo and a 1yo, but I don't beat myself up over stuff.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

You do sound a bit depressed, kids are a PITA but it seems like it is really getting to you.

tired+weepy+brain not working = time to check thyroid?

Happynappies I really hope my Mother Superior comment didn't sound sneery. I am so sorry if it did. What I was trying to articulate - badly - is that if you are the kind of person who likes things done properly, and who is used to achieving and doing things with their life, then life with young children is very difficult. I found myself trying to keep the house, children, myself immaculate when DS2 was newborn, as much to keep sane as anything else. But it is a mindset that does nothing but harm. Much better to try not to get worked up over dusty skirting boards, unironed children's clothes etc. It took me a while but I'm a lot better about those things now.

To help with your milk problem - how about a milkman?

It's great that your DH wants to help. A lot of women don't have that, sadly. Make the most of it!

Happy, I feel like you. I love being mum but am a shit housewife. I'm really disorganised too but would suggest a few things that have helped me.

Don't iron unless you have to.
Don't worry to much about what your children eat all the time and take some shortcuts. Make sure you make more of your evening meal so they can have left overs. Make veg & tomato sauce and freeze in cubes to use with rice pasta etc.
I buy packs of frozen mixed veg and throw them into couscous with chicken stock if we're in a hurry. Takes 3 mins max.

But my house is always a mess, despite spending my entire tme tidying. It's getting better now it's sunnier. Playing AND EATING in the garden makes for cleaner and tidied house :o

Also DH empties the dishwasher first thing. Makes a big difference to my day ;-)

Would it work to have a chest freezer in a small shed outside? Rig up an outdoor socket. As long as it has a roof it shouldn't come to any harm - no different to a garage really.

One step at a time, OP, you're a bit bogged down is all and it's not surprising with three so young. It really does get easier! Absolutely ditch the ironing, wash the kids beds less if you can (turn the sheets round so the snotty bit is at the bottom, it won't do any harm). Try to do one thing that gives you pleasure/satisfaction each day, no matter how small. Buy a bunch of daffs or a magazine, look at the spring coming green for sixty seconds on your way somewhere, shut the door while you go to the loo, whatever! And seriously consider easier food for a while - bought soup or lasagne is fine, the kids can have beans on toast or fishfingers or pizza with vegetables on the side. You'll get through it, honestly.

You sound like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself- i agree with the other posters on here to use disposables at least some of the time, stop ironing definately!!! If you use a tumble dryer then fold them as soon as the dryer stops

I have to wash my hair at night too and do other little things that make me feel like me (erm self tanning etc).

Is there really no way you can squeeze a dishwasher in?? I have my fridge in the dining room and the tumble dryer disguised under a table cloth in the corner of the room too!! I tried to do without but found I was overwhelmed with laundry mountains and dirty dishes otherwise. A happy mummy makes for much happier DC's IMO.

Do you allow TV? I find a bit of wind time time in the afternoon invaluable to get stuff done in peace?

Finally maybe write a list of ambitions/interests so you feel you at least have a plan in motion for some time for you? I find writing a plan down helps me feel more in control.

You just need a break. What if anything, do you do for YOURSELF? If you can schedule even just one hr on the weekend, to walk away and completely do your own thing you'll probably feel better.

It can be booking a massage, or DH taking the kids to the park while you wallow in the bath with a book.

Anything really - but it has to be responsbility free ME time.

Please go to see your GP.

Four loads of washing a day???? That is ridiculous. Sorry I have 3 kids and a DH, we do on average one load a day. I am skanky and don't sort much, but 4 loads a day is just too much. You need to get more stuff, you cannot be filling your machine on four loads.

Next is your eldest not at playgroup? Get them enrolled in one and make sure they get there. Getting out of the house in the morning (never mind if it looks like a bomb has hit it) is crucial. Got for a brief walk after dropping them up, sniff the air, look at the buds on the trees with the 2 year old, have a coffee.

I know that if you don't make the effort the whole day can be eaten up in chores. But enjoy time with your kids.

Try each day to find a way to make your life easier (from plastic mats under high chairs, to a nappy laundering service, to easy meals, to batch cooking, to playing with messy stuff in the garden).

Please enjoy your children while they are little.

Happynappies I can't even begin to empathise as I only have a 2 year old and one on the way. I work p/t an DH works away a lot, and something that we do it to "plan and book" something nice for the week end. It need not be expensive or elaborate, but it must not be a chore and once it is written on the calender then we make sure it happens. Simple stuff like - "Swimming, with lunch in cafe afterwards", "Park, take kite and football, ask if would like to come", "Bike Ride in woods". Not every weekend, I agree sometimes there are jobs that need to be done. But maybe something to look forward to once or twice a month.

OP I think you are too hard on yourself. My 3 are 4,2 and 3mths and it is crazy. Keeping everyone happy, healthy and safe all day is way harder than rocket science! I know exactly how you feel. Get DH to take all 3 at the weekend and let him get on with it for a change

When I was pregnant with DS3 my friend who's a mum of 3 even closer in age than mine gave me some great advice: if it all gets too crazy, get yourself a cup of tea, sit down and just watch them. One day it'll be 20 years ago and the madness will be just a memory.

The Larger Families forum is great for getting advice and support from people who know what it's like to be a mum to many and won't make any unhelpful comments. Hoping you have a better day soon.