I've got a 4 year old, a 2 year old and a 6 month old, and most of the time feel utterly exhausted which I know is probably par for the course. Dh works full-time, and at the moment I'm on maternity leave. I find that other friends are busy with lots of activities - ballet classes, swimming lessons you name it. Typically our weekends are spent either visiting a relative to deliver birthday cards/presents, getting the car MOT'd, getting last minute shopping for the evening meal, that type of thing. Once every few weeks we make a concerted effort and get out to a park with the dc's. Even then it is only for an hour because by the time we leave the house it is time to come back for lunch, and the younger two nap at home in the afternoon. I find that the sheer amount of things I have to do in a day completely overwhelm me. I'm sure there is nothing new here - lots of washing, cooking and cleaning - it all goes with having children, I know. I just seem deluged with it, and can't get on with 'living' because I'm so taken up with all the things that need to be done.
This morning I tried my best to get all three dc up and out for the start of a toddler group which I knew started at 9.30am. Everyone was screaming and crying, I was racing around like I don't know what, we arrived 10 minutes late to find the doors locked, it is a fortnightly group and I've got my dates wrong so we missed it. So went to to local shop, picked up some milk, came home and am now getting lunch ready. Then ds will sleep, will be feeding dd and attempting to keep 4 year old entertained until I start making the tea.
Each day I feel like I'm trapped in a steel cage. I feel that my brain wants to do things other than change nappies and mop up sick. I want to start a business or do a course or something, anything. But on the other hand I can't cope with just getting the meals prepared, dishes washed, and having everyone in bed with everything put away ready to start from the same point tomorrow. Every time I think something, one or the other of the dc's screams or shouts, and I'm going around in circles trying to make sense of this. As my dh points out, its not rocket science - they are only children!! Other people have them, other people manage to stay sane. He is generally very supportive, and does his fair share. In fact, in the evening when he's back from work, we both work flat out cleaning up after the children, doing the dishes, ironing etc, until we fall into bed exhausted.
I had pnd after my second dc, and looking back at what I discussed with a counsellor at the time I see that she suggested we did something that 'energised' us rather than just worked all the time. I've no idea what would energise me as I've lost sight of who I am - I just have to get meals on the table, mop up faces and hands, change nappies, and organise to the nth degree to make any kind of outing possible. I'm weighing up in my mind at the moment whether it is worth actually going out - the stress and anxiety to get everyone ready, to remember everything that is needed, and to get anything done within the timescales given the work I'll have to catch up on when I return... I don't know.
Don't even really know what I'm asking here. I know people might say get out, join groups, see if you can go out with dh in the evening. I feel totally incapable of getting out. I do try, but my brain doesn't work properly and I make mistakes like today - getting the date of the group wrong. When I do get to a toddler group I've got nothing to say. I hare around trying to keep track of everyone, and watch other people in their cliques talking. I feel the most boring person - have got nothing to say. If I make it out to see other Mummy friends they sort of congratulate me for getting out which makes me feel even more feeble. They all seem to have lots to talk about. I don't even watch tv any more so can't even join in conversations at that level. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I don't know whether I'm just not suited to parenting in the early years and it will get better, or whether other people find it just as hard but put a positive slant on it. What to do??!!