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Original poster

My partner and step son going away and not taking our children we have together is this right?

110 replies

birty · 25/03/2011 00:32

my partner, stepson and stepsons mother had a meeting tonight and it came up that stepson wants to go away on his own with his father for a weekend (last year he went away with his father for two days travelling up to scotland and the rest of us fly and met them up there). We have three boys together and i dont feel this is right as the other boys are going to feel left out and want to go too. Surely a hour a week with his son is enough quality time to spend on there own? I know my stepson does not live with us full time like the other boys but he is always welcome every weekend but he chooses to go out with his mates instead (15 year old talking about) . My partner has only just started spending a hour a week playing table tennis with our oldest son to spend one on one time but this is not happening with the other two. Its hard when you have a few children to think about with work and clubs after school. Im i being unreasonable thinking this?

OP posts:
Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 25/03/2011 00:36

Yes, of course you are. Your partner only spends an hour a week with his son and wants to bond with him - great! I assume your other sons are younger, and have their Daddy there full time. It's only a weekend. Can he not take the other boys away another time?

Iwantscallops · 25/03/2011 00:37

Totally agree with Tortoise. Let them enjoy some time together bonding. The sons you have together get every day with him.

scaredoflove · 25/03/2011 00:38

Of course it's important for SS to spend alone time with his father. He doesn't get him every day and they would connect much better to have a few days together.

15 is a difficult age, it's good he has voiced this. He obviously recognises that he needs a relationship with his dad, that makes him a bright boy in my opinion

You would be very unreasonable to put a block on this

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 25/03/2011 00:41

agree with Tortoise, Iwant and scaredoflove.

fridascruffs · 25/03/2011 00:46

YABU

Original poster
birty · 25/03/2011 00:47

what about the other boys feelings do they not count?

OP posts:
BaroqueAroundTheClock · 25/03/2011 00:48

of course they do - but you explain that they get to see their dad 7 days a week whereas their fathers other son doesn't.

MadMommaMemoo · 25/03/2011 00:49

Of course they do but they get him full time your dss doesn't. You sound like you have a bit of a jealousy issue.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 25/03/2011 00:49

Yes you are being HUGELY unreasonable. An hour a week? Would you be happy only spending an hour a week on your own with your DH if you were unable to live with him?

He may not spend much time with the 3 you have together one on one - but he seems them all a lot more.

Of course a 15 year old is going to want to spend time with his mates as well.

He's only asking for A weekend - not every weekend.

Original poster
birty · 25/03/2011 00:52

stepson has that choice to come over but decides not too. He goes out with his mates at weekends. only if we are doing something interesting will he come over otherwise he wont. We cant always do interesting things as it costs money and simple things like going for a walk isaint very appealling to a 15 year old.

OP posts:
BaroqueAroundTheClock · 25/03/2011 00:54

tbh I'd be bloody delighted if I met a man with children from a previous relationship who had such a good relatonship that the child(ren) felt able to ask for such a thing to happen, and that I'd met a man who had such an interest/was active in their child's life.

Original poster
birty · 25/03/2011 00:55

has anyone who has commented got a stepson that doesnt live with them and children of their own? you to would be protective of your childrens feelings if you were in my situation im not jealous of a 15 year old boy i think im alot more grown up than that.

OP posts:
BaroqueAroundTheClock · 25/03/2011 00:56

yes - because he wants to spend time with his father who he only sees for an hour a week (I'm presuming that 1 hour a week is one or one? or is that shared with your DS's?)

DioneTheDiabolist · 25/03/2011 00:57

Any child who does not live with their parent has the right to ask for alone time with that parent. There may come a day when one of your children needs to have alone time with his dad. Will you insist that all the kids go then?

MadMommaMemoo · 25/03/2011 00:57

My Dh goes to see his dd's 2 evenings a week as well as them being here at weekends. I love him all the more because he loved his dd's so much.

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 25/03/2011 00:58

life sucks at times - we can't always have what "we" think is fair (and that includes children). You simply need to explain to your children If they don't already get it, that your SS only sees his father for one hour a week, and has the "option" of weekends - but even if he came round every weekend that's nothing like have your father living with you.

I have 3 DS's - who see their father (usually) once a fortnight. They don't get to see him at the breakfast table, or at dinner, or before they go to bed each and every night.

Original poster
birty · 25/03/2011 01:00

i agree that stepson should have one on one time with his father but it is on stepsons terms that he doesnt come over not that we are stopping him

OP posts:
PenguinArmy · 25/03/2011 01:00

Your sons could have alone time with your DH later in the year.

Even if you DSS was there at weekends, it time as a family, not alone time.

YABU

OK I don't have step children, but I had step siblings who I didn't begrudge alone time with their parents. Didn't occur to me to not even like it.

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 25/03/2011 01:02

put yourself in the position of a 15yr old having to choose between seeing his friends, and seeing his dad........but the dad he has to share with his step-siblings. It's not a nice place to be when you have to choose.

My oldest DS is only 10, but alreay we've had the massive heartache and dilemma (for him) between doing things he loves doing, and make him happy, and seeing his dad. Of course when I was still with their father that issue never arose - because he'd still see his dad the rest of the week.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 25/03/2011 01:02

So you agree that stepson should have one on one time - but not a whole weekend? Is that the issue? Or do you just want him to have one on one time when you choose, not him?

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 25/03/2011 01:04

birty - that one hour a week he currently gets with his dad (whoopee - a whole hour Hmm) is that just with his dad, or are your DS's around as well??

doutzen · 25/03/2011 01:06

Do your other children actually mind about this weekend?
Are their feelings hurt? Why? If they're actually upset that they don't get a weekend with their dad, then have him set aside weekend for each of them.

frantic51 · 25/03/2011 01:07

I think you've hit the nail on the head there Tortoise.

Original poster
birty · 25/03/2011 01:08

yes agree he should spend time one on one with his father they all should is my point. My children may see their dad every day but it isaint quality time there is a difference

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 25/03/2011 01:09

Birty sometimes we have to engage with our children on their terms. This is a good thing. It helps with their self respect. It gives us an opportunity to make them feel important and (when they ask for it) can give parents the opportunity to help them deal with life's important and very personal issues without distractions.

What is your problem with what your SS is asking?

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