My partner and step son going away and not taking our children we have together is this right?

[birty]

my partner, stepson and stepsons mother had a meeting tonight and it came up that stepson wants to go away on his own with his father for a weekend (last year he went away with his father for two days travelling up to scotland and the rest of us fly and met them up there). We have three boys together and i dont feel this is right as the other boys are going to feel left out and want to go too. Surely a hour a week with his son is enough quality time to spend on there own? I know my stepson does not live with us full time like the other boys but he is always welcome every weekend but he chooses to go out with his mates instead (15 year old talking about) . My partner has only just started spending a hour a week playing table tennis with our oldest son to spend one on one time but this is not happening with the other two. Its hard when you have a few children to think about with work and clubs after school. Im i being unreasonable thinking this?

"has anyone who has commented got a stepson that doesnt live with them and children of their own?"

Yes, I have a DSS of 15, who doesn't live with us and a child of my own.

DP collects DSS from school twice a week, takes him home and stays with him until his mum gets home from work, so around 4-5 hours, twice weekly = 8-10 hours one-on-one time per week. He also takes our DD to watch him play football every Sunday, then they all go for lunch.

DP frequently takes DSS and his mates to gigs AND they (DP and DSS) go away for father and son trips at least twice a year, e.g. to Scotland to visit relatives and they always go away for a Christmas shopping trip and stay overnight in a hotel.

So, I think you are being unreasonable (you did ask). You need to butt out. Sorry.

what pagwatch said: "just talk and shit" that's all a teenage son and his dad want.

Its harmless really and a very good idea.

I do lunch dates with DS (7 year old) behind DD's back. She's 3 and does not let us just "talk and shit" and likewise take her for a sleepover without DS so that we can have "us" time.

you really should not sweat it out and spoil this for them.

havent read whole thread

but does your stepson get invited to every single thing that your kids do with their dad?

I agree with everyone on here, YABU !

Your son's see their dad for more hours in one day than your stepson does in a month, why aren't you encouraging your husband to go on this trip?

Hopefully it won't happen to you but how would you feel if one day you split from your dh and YOUR boys don't get to see their father much?

Your DH will think more of you if you stop acting selfishly and tell him and your stepson to have a great time, and mean it!

OP, I do get your concern for your other kids - But I think you need to see things more from your step sons perspective. Through no choice of his own, he now lives separately from his dad - who now has new sons who he lives with and sees every day. Your step son is then offered the choice of seeing has dad rather than having weekends doing the things all 15 year olds want to do - which is see thier mates so they aren't left out.

its not your step sons fault his parents broke up - so he is the one losing out, missing seeing his mates if he wants to see his dad. and presumably seeing his dad means spending a weekend with younger siblings + step mum too.

Come on, give the kid a break - I think its really admirable and definitely the right thing to do that your H wants to make sure he doesnt feel left out.

you might say that your kids dont get quality time with their dad - but imagine how left out the step son must feel..

I think you are being unreasonable, not trying to see that a step son who has lost his dad and only gets to see him on weekends, with a new family - should get some extra time so he knows his dad still cares and loves him.

I have a dss as well and I think you are being a bit unfair. A couple of days a year on his own with his dad is nowt in the grand scheme of things and your sons will get a turn eventually, when this lad will be an adult. Sorry but if your dss is getting an hour a week on his own and your others get him all week you need to try and balance then needs of your step a wee bit.

I confess, I don't have any DSCs at all, but I was a child whose father left home to be with his OW and eventually they had a child and got married. In the 30 odd years that passed between the day he left and the day he died, I had the grand total of half a day on my own with him. And that was because he popped over to see me one day while his wife was at work. The only other time it was 'just' me and him, was when he walked me down the aisle on the day I got married. I would have given anything to have had the chance of going away for a weekend with just my Dad. Or even, just to have a wander round the shops and go for a coffee together. We never could because she always insisted that either she came or that my Dad and I were accompanied by their child. I expect she thought it would unfair if their child was not included. But she was clearly able to forget that their child had the benefit of seeing my Dad every day of the week, had holidays with him both with the mother and without, whereas I only ever had one holiday with my father, when I was four! And when I wanted to see my Dad, it always had to be arranged in advance so it didn't clash with their other 'family' activities.

So, do I think it is right that your husband should spend time with his son and for a couple of days, not include your children? you bet I do! The general tone of your posts sound as though you think the son is at fault for wanting to spend time with his Dad, as someone else has already said, it was not the boy's fault that his parents split, so don't punish him for existing.

yes YABU

yes YABVVVU

85 messages all telling you the same thing - I sincerely hope that you can put yourself out of the picture and think of this poor kid instead now

I have one thing to add to everyone else - when I read your OP I thought it was so massively unreasonable that I genuinely expected it was one of those "prank" AIBU from the POV of a character from a soap opera I don't watch, or the Virgin Mary or something.
Apparently not, so YABU.

My dh adn I have 3 dcs between us - he has been away with his son (my dss) and both he and I have been away with our other two individually at times. In fact my dh and dss went looking at universties when dd2 was 6 weeks old - I didn't mind as it is just part of being a family. Both the dds are in their teens now and I have found spending time alone with just one of them has been lovely. I would really recommend it. I also think it is very difficult for a child who doesn't live full time with a parent who has other children - they can feel left out - nature of the beast really. It is normal for a 15 year old to spend time with their friends - they are growing up and growing away. However taking time to do something together away from everything is really good for keeping the contact/bond.

There will be time for your dcs to do the same in the future. Step-families are a minefield but this sounds a great idea. Let them do it with good grace.

When I met my DP he had a 9 year old boy and although we did things together, they also did "Dad/Son" stuff without me. Later on, DP and I had 2 DS's together, and DSS and DP still did Dad/Son things on their own.

DSS is now 21 and they STILL do Dad/Son things on their own (we do family stuff all together too). Which is exactly how it should be.

My situation is perhaps different to yours. In fact from reading various forums I suspect it's different to that of many split/blended families; I've always got on well with DSS (he is, and always has been, lovely and if my DS's end up anything like him I'll be a very happy bunny) and in fact am very friendly with his Mum - we go running together and they often come round for dinner - including Xmas day. We're revoltingly civilised and amicable LOL!

But I can say confidently that even if relations weren't quite so cordial, I would still say, 100%, that it is only right that a SC spend quality time with his/her Dad on a 1-1 basis.

you are being unreasonable

if you want your children to have one on one time with their father - fuck off out every so often and leave them to it

the "quality time" excuse is rubbish. There is no substitute for the daily normality of having a parent there at breakfast and bedtime and weekends etc - your children have that and dss doesn't

stop being so bloody selfish and stop encouraging your children to have aggrieved feelings about something they would otherwise take in their stride

Another YABU.

Your step son has the right to spend time alone with his father.

Why would he want to be with young kids? I seriously do not know any teenage boy who would consider that a good time.

Don't ever forget that he never asked to be in this situation.

YABVU. Are you for real?

"yes agree he should spend time one on one with his father they all should is my point. My children may see their dad every day but it isaint quality time there is a difference" - an one hour a week is? Unbelievable.

My dd had another kid. I was an adult - after about 6 years of only seeing him with his new family I did suggest we out for dinner ALONE. It was a reasonable request and one he hadn't ever thought of but he did feel rather worried about asking his wife (FFS). My half sister gets dad to himself and I ensured she did in her younger years but I effectively had 'parent' gap for that time. Just because this boy is older doesn't mean he needs or wants his df any less.

I understand time pressures but he has lots of kids and those that are not borne of you should be given equal priority.

Where has OP gone? Scared away by all the YABU's...........?

I too say YABU.

Wow. What a nasty OP. I think this is why so many children stop seeing their Fathers. There are nasty, selfish and bitter women trying to erase the past.

The child was there before the OP, and with an attitude like that I wouldn't be surprised if he was there long after...

15 year old boys need their father and they don't need to feel pushed out. His siblings get dad time everyday and it would kill them to be taught a little bit of understanding that their brother has a lot less time with their father and should get some quality 1:1 time.

You are being a nasty cow!
I am on the other side, I have 2DD's (9 and 3), my XH has a 4yr old with his GF. My 9yr old would give anything to have time just with her dad. He can't be bothered.
We have many heartbroken tears, when he drops them home, then goes back to his "new" family.

Some harsh posts on here!

I will try not to add to that as I CAN see your pov but I do think yab a bit u.

Firstly, how old are your other kids? Blended family aside (and we are a blended family btw so I do have relevant experience) I think it's important for any older child to have certain privelages over their younger siblings - things that the younger siblings can be told they can have when they are that age.

I have a friend whose youngest LO (3) wants everything her oldest (6) has and she gives in every time. The oldest resents the youngest because she never gets to have any "firsts" as the youngest has to be included all the time. This is the danger of trying to be fair and equal - you can unwittingly go too far.

My advice is let the older child go away with his Dad - it's just one week end. If your boys complain about it, then tell them that when they are 15 they can also have a week end with daddy. I get what you are saying, that the 15 year old doesn't want to hang out with Dad every week end, but that is also normal and a part of growing up. The fact that at 15 he still wants to go away with his dad is great.

I do see your point of view but I think you need to let this happen and just ensure that your DC's know they will have this chance too when they are older.

If they are same/close in age though then you have to be more careful and DH has to give them some one to one time in the same vein.

Sorry to add yet another voice to this, but....

My DH and SS love to go away together. They take a tent and just....well....be a Dad and his son doing Dad and son things. Am chuffed to bits that they still do this.

Remember, loving your children isnt a contest.

Yep. Me too. YABVU.
So your younger boys "will want to go too." So tell them they're not able to!

Calm down, everyone.

Feel a bit for the OP. Maybe her 3 kids are 1,2 and 3 and it's the thought of having them by herself that is tricky..?

Otherwise, you are going to have to suck it up. If DSS goes away for one-on-one with his dad when he is 15, then, fine. Each of your DS can do the same when they turn 15.

And I'm speaking as a step mum.

In fact, DSS missed his Dad so much he ended up living with us. And sometimes they need to do things just the two of them. He doesn't always want to come swimming with us, or to soft play, or wherever.

So sometimes I have to do more than a non-blended mum would have to.

Frankly dreadful that you should blame your Stepson for spending time with his mates at the weekend. This is really one of the worse things divorce does for children, makes them choose between normal free time activities and seeing the non resident parent - plus guilt of course about special days like Christmas and birthdays. He wants one weekend alone with his Dad and you complain. You really need to take a look at yourself and put yourself in the position of a child who has had his world pulled apart by the adults in it.