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Original poster

My partner and step son going away and not taking our children we have together is this right?

110 replies

birty · 25/03/2011 00:32

my partner, stepson and stepsons mother had a meeting tonight and it came up that stepson wants to go away on his own with his father for a weekend (last year he went away with his father for two days travelling up to scotland and the rest of us fly and met them up there). We have three boys together and i dont feel this is right as the other boys are going to feel left out and want to go too. Surely a hour a week with his son is enough quality time to spend on there own? I know my stepson does not live with us full time like the other boys but he is always welcome every weekend but he chooses to go out with his mates instead (15 year old talking about) . My partner has only just started spending a hour a week playing table tennis with our oldest son to spend one on one time but this is not happening with the other two. Its hard when you have a few children to think about with work and clubs after school. Im i being unreasonable thinking this?

OP posts:
BaroqueAroundTheClock · 25/03/2011 01:16

but do you not see that the daily seeing of their father plays a major part in their happiness?

Honestly - if you think that seeing your dad once a week, week in, week out, especially when you know that your dad has 3 other children that he sees every day.

Can you not see how that will feel to a child - particularly one of 15yrs old.

Actually I think it becomes more important for them younger than that. ONE of my DS's (the oldest) has a phone which he can use to text his dad whenever he wants - and he does. It makes him feel more secure about his relationship with his dad knowing he's got the "personal, one on one contact thing going on".

DS2 and 3 couldn't care less. I was slightly conerned to start with that DS2 would be upset. But he's not bothered, he doesn't have the need for that extra contact, no doubt once he's a little older he will - but for now it makes no difference.

PLEASE don't under estimate the impact of not living with your father can have especially when your father then has more children in a new relationship.

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 25/03/2011 01:24

though you don't really like your SS do you? I'm guessing you've still not bonded with him by the sounds of things. And that probably pays a large part of the reason why he doesn't want to come and spend time with your family at the weekends when he just wants to see his dad.

Slightlyreluctantexpat · 25/03/2011 01:33

I admit that I have no experience of step-parenting, but my experience of teenage DCs tells me that quality time with them is on their terms. If your SS chooses not to visit you at weekends, then he just doesn't rate it. He is a normal selfish teenager and perhaps finds it dull to be with his youger step-siblings. He does want a weekend away with his Dad though, and I think your DH should snatch the oppotunity to bond with him.

nooka · 25/03/2011 03:46

I don't have step children but my children both find it important to have one on one time with dh and I, and it's something we both really enjoy too. It's just one of those things that you have to balance out surely? How much younger are your sons than your stepsone? If there is a big age gap it's perhaps not surprising that they want to do different things, and your stepson might also feel crowded out. I can't see that one weekend in a year is really a big deal to give up your dh or your father for.

Stac2011 · 25/03/2011 04:33

birty i have a dss, ds and dd. My ds isnt dp's either. I think your being unreasonable as they need one on one, he is 15 so is at the stage where he wants to do more grown up things. I'm sure you can spare one weekend. I encourage dp to have one on one with his ds as do i with my ds. My ds's relationship with his dad ended as he didnt get any time alone with him. Surely a weekend isnt worth loosing dss over?

CheerfulYank · 25/03/2011 04:51

I think going for the weekend, just the two of them, would be nice. And maybe later on your DP could take your DS' for a weekend too. Why not?

I'm sure you and DP won't break up, but imagine if you did. Then imagine he got together with someone else and had DC with her. Then imagine your DS's wanted a weekend alone with him and the new woman thought that was unreasonable. I know it's hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes, but do try.

15 is a tough age no matter what the situation. I hope it works out!

LadyPenelope · 25/03/2011 04:54

Don't have experience of SC but in my view it sounds like a lovely thing to do for any child - time 1:1 with a parent is great. What's to stop you saying that this is because SS is 15 and he and his Dad are going to have a weekend together and then when they are older, he'll do the same with them. I haven't done it yet, but was thinking of doing this with my DD - a weekend or a day for just the 2 of us, and with my DS too, and for DH to do the same.

BTW, it's totally normal that he wants to be with his friends at weekends. Not many 15 year olds would spend the weekend hanging out with family - so even though it's an option for him, it's not reasonable to expect he'd do that.

So my thought would be to plan something nice for the other kids and tell them that their time will come when they are older.

lookingfoxy · 25/03/2011 06:13

Well I have a teeage step son and my own child and you are being totally unreasonable.
You come across as bitter and jealous.

seeker · 25/03/2011 06:19

I think there is a lot of rubbish talked about quality time. I think Day to day interaction and ordinary family life is more important than a couple of hours ^quality time. And your sons get that all the time.

Of course your step son sometimes decides to go out with his friends instead of coming to see his dad - he's 15!

Don't stand between your dp and his son - there's a lot of grief all round down that path

goingroundthebend4 · 25/03/2011 06:22

i would say let him do it.I have the odd day weekends with one or the other out of my own 4dc so they have idivual time .Have just been away overnight with just my 14 year old and it was a enjoyable time and was all centred around what he wanted to do.I feel it does help relationships especially when they ar ein their teens and thats without complications of having step children

Slightlyreluctantexpat · 25/03/2011 06:25

Surely your SS and your DH should be able to spend time alone together, especially as the SS himself has requested it.

In my experience, this is quite a normal thing to do with teenagers (i.e. take them away for a day or two and have some 1:1 time) especially if there are many children in the family, as there are in yours.

goingroundthebend4 · 25/03/2011 06:26

oh and ds2 goes to visit his dad .He gets fed up as everything has to fit around his dads younger two children .He came home and said he could not even mange a conversation without a daddddddddd from one or a request from his step mum for his dad to do things .And days out were all about what teh younger two wanted .

Its not that he does not get on well with younger kids he does but hes reached the age where he wants some quality adult time

Slightlyreluctantexpat · 25/03/2011 06:28

x posted with goingroundthe.....

Yes, I have 4 DCs, like you ggrb4, and it is lovely to give just one of them some individual time.

LoveBeingKnockedUp · 25/03/2011 06:29

Rather than saying he shouldn't do this with his other son you should be fighting your sons corner!

LtEveDallas · 25/03/2011 06:30

I wish DSD wanted time on her own with DH. It actually makes me sad that she doesn't. If I'm not around she doesn't come (sad). I think it's a good thing that your DSS wants to be alone with his dad.

thumbwitch · 25/03/2011 06:32

Wow. the boy gets 1 hour a week - hang on, that's 1 hour out of 168. Or even, if yo only count the awake hours, that's 1 hour out of 98 (assuming 10h sleep per night). That's around 1% of the time in a week and you think that's plenty?

FFS.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for him to want some time with his Dad without younger brothers around - sometimes children who all live together would like quality one-on-one time with a parent for more than 1 hour. I used to get a whole day away from my brother and sister with my Dad sometimes when we went on day trips together - they were either too young or not interested. We had some good times together, just me and my Dad - but perhaps we were just being selfish?!

I think you have a problem with your stepson "taking away" your DSs' dad for the weekend, that's not good.

Bluemoonrising · 25/03/2011 06:35

I agree with the majoroty here. YABU. One weekend, father son bonding. It's not like it is a three week holiday!

If your joint sons' would like a similar expereince, surely he can take them away for a weekend some other time?

Your sons get time with their dad without your stepson there regularly. I think one weekend is not a lot to ask!

And although I am single now, when I was with my ex I did have a stepson, and time together was incredibly important for the two of them alone. They never had a weekend away together, but it's actually such a good idea I wish I'd thought of it - although I'm not sure his ex-wife would have been happy with the idea.

Slightlyreluctantexpat · 25/03/2011 06:35

Yes, LTEve, and wouldn't it be damaging to this 15-year-old to be told that he couldn't have the weekend away with his Dad, that he actually asked for?

As for the three younger DSs, their time for this kind of a weekend adventure will come, but maybe in a few years time. Different things suit at different ages, ime.

gorionine · 25/03/2011 06:45

I totally agree with Seeker's take on quality time. Unless your DH and your sons fight constantly, any time they spend together IS quality time, does not matter if giving a bath, doing homework...

Bucharest · 25/03/2011 06:48

Of course YABU.

Oh, you weren't asking that.

Never mind.

The more I read some of these step threads, the more I realise (even though I didn't at the time) what decent and lovely step-parents I had.

iscream · 25/03/2011 08:06

My dh spends time alone with our sons, at different times. They (ds's) have a large age difference, 11 years, so he did take ds1 camping and not ds2, when ds1 was a teenager. Teenagers need one on one time with their dad. Ds1 is his stepson btw, but he treats them both the same. He took them camping together once ds2 was 6. When ds2 was older, he went away with dh a lot, still does, fishing and hiking.
My point is, it is ok for his to have one on one time with his oldest son, and he should have that time. All of his kids need to have that special time with their dad. But at age 15, it is especially important.

iscream · 25/03/2011 08:08

*him, not his.

ajandjjmum · 25/03/2011 08:13

I think it's great for kids to have one to one time with each of their parents, nomatter what their age or whether they live together or not.

I hope they have a lovely weekend - you never know, it could become a family tradition that your DH takes each of his sons away for a weekend when they become 15.

Your sons will only become jealous if they pick up bad vibes, which imho are unjustified.

venusandmars · 25/03/2011 08:13

Birty I think there are 2 things going on here simultaneously - one is that you have a dss who does not live with you and his dad, and the other is that you have a teenager in your life.

In relation to the teenage aspect - this can be a difficult time between parents and their dc as the child deals with wanting to exert his own personality and needs, has a desperate need to be part of the in-crowd with his friends and peers, and yet still has some very child-like needs for love and support and attention from parents. When each of my dcs reached teenage it felt particularly important to spend 1-to-1 time with them (and yes it did have to be on thier terms quite a lot), but it was this time that helped up to remain close during some difficult, stormy teenage times.

In relation to the 'blended family' stuff, my dd1 found it difficult sometimes when she went to her dad's house. She felt like an arkward, ungainly, spotty teenager being compared with her cute little step-siblings. She said that sometimes it didn't feel like she had a proper home anywhere Sad

Please do what you can to encourage and support a strong relationship between your dh and his oldest child - the benefits for your family and your other children will come from that too in later years.

Northernlurker · 25/03/2011 08:20

What a depressing OP!
Birty - you are coming across as jealous, uncaring for you stepson and controlling. Is that how you want to be seen?

It's ONE weekend. You sons will mind only if you let them. If You say 'Dad has GOT to go away with DSS and LEAVE us ALONE' then yes they will mind. So watch what you say. You have no right to disrupt your stepson's relationship with his dad - he has made a perfectly reasonable request. You have no right to disrupt your sons' relationship with their brother by bitching about this.