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Original poster

My partner and step son going away and not taking our children we have together is this right?

110 replies

birty · 25/03/2011 00:32

my partner, stepson and stepsons mother had a meeting tonight and it came up that stepson wants to go away on his own with his father for a weekend (last year he went away with his father for two days travelling up to scotland and the rest of us fly and met them up there). We have three boys together and i dont feel this is right as the other boys are going to feel left out and want to go too. Surely a hour a week with his son is enough quality time to spend on there own? I know my stepson does not live with us full time like the other boys but he is always welcome every weekend but he chooses to go out with his mates instead (15 year old talking about) . My partner has only just started spending a hour a week playing table tennis with our oldest son to spend one on one time but this is not happening with the other two. Its hard when you have a few children to think about with work and clubs after school. Im i being unreasonable thinking this?

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 25/03/2011 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ModreB · 25/03/2011 08:29

I have 3 DS's and they all spend time on their own with both myself and DH. It is all about that one-on-one time as individuals.

Would you be complaining if your DH wanted to spend time with your DC's on their own?

You are being very selfish IMO.

tethersend · 25/03/2011 08:30

Maybe your DSS wants to spend time with his dad without you there?

The more I read of your posts, the more reasonable a request this seems.

Pagwatch · 25/03/2011 08:34

Poor birth. You are getting a bit of a kicking. But to be honest your take on this is nonsense.

I have three children and try as hard as I can to ensure that they each have great chunks of time with me and with dh when their attention is not shared or compromised by what older/younger siblings want to do.

Ds1 is 17 and was talking to me recently about how he would love to go away fir a weekend and 'just talk and shit'. (I took this to mean talk and do general casual stuff not the literal thingy )

Your dh is not your present to cut up. Your dhs time with his son will help both of them. Don't you want your dh to have some insight into teenage minds so that the younger dcs get the benefit.

All children need time when they feel their parent want to be with just them.
The step family dynamic is nothing to do with it. Well except in that you seem to see fighting for your dcs to get a slice of the cake as a good thing. It isn't . It is mean and destructive.

Think about one of your dcs in this position in the future. Would you like your child to be told to put up with his/her allocation.

Pagwatch · 25/03/2011 08:34

Birty.

Fucking auto correct ....

CatPower · 25/03/2011 08:38

Why not see it as a chance for you to enjoy quality time with your DSs too? Your SS is at the stage where he really needs one-on-one time with his Dad. Too many teens turn away from their parents, so the fact that your SS initiated this idea is fantastic. Were I in your position, I'd be proud of SS and DH wanting to have a sort-of bonding trip together. Stop being unreasonable about it, it's only one weekend on top of the solitary hour your DH gets to spend with his son.

BecauseImWorthIt · 25/03/2011 08:39

Your stepson may not want to spend what you call quality time with your new family. That may make you sad, but it is his life.

At the age of 15 I think it's bloody fantastic that he's asking to spend time with his dad. Why wouldn't you?

And IMO, it's the missing out on the daily ins and outs of life that he's missing the most.

I know you didn't post this in AIBU, but you must see that YABU, surely? And a little selfish - sorry to say.

welshbyrd · 25/03/2011 08:40

YBVVVU in thinking 1hour a week 1 on 1, is enough time for DSS

You sound like sound like your jealous, and that your only priority are your children, and to hell with DSS

Let DH go, he has a right to quality time with his son

God forbid, you and DH should split in future, and his new parter has this attitude towards your DC

BelfastBloke · 25/03/2011 08:43

Maybe your SS doesn't want to come over because you're such a nasty person?

You may not be, but we can only go on what you've posted.

FreudianSlippery · 25/03/2011 08:47

"has anyone who has commented got a stepson that doesnt live with them and children of their own?"

Yep, that's me. I've got three (teenage! DSDs are nearly 13... Eeeek!) stepchildren, and two children with my DH. And I think YABU.

Teens still need their fathers. So they want to spend more time with their mates and only come round when you're doing something fun - well, duh! I think you'll find that most teens do that even when they live with both parents :o

Of course your children will miss out, but it's nothing compared to what your DSS misses by not having his dad at home, IMO. It's not his fault his parents split.

laptopwieldingharpy · 25/03/2011 08:47

Another YABVU vote.

Its already all been said really.

Just wanted to add that as a "regular" family (no step parenting) we do value one on one time with our children as much as they do.
And we do try to make time for it, be it DH having a night away with DD at grand parents and me staying with DS or the other way round.

I think you are not only being unreasonable towards your step son but also towards your husband. Any underlying issues for which you are trying to settle sores?

loka · 25/03/2011 08:52

you are being v unreasonable.Do your DC have problem with them going away for the weekend or is just you.
I have a teenage stepson and we have 3 DC together and my DH always have time alone with his son at the weekends (cinema etc),they also go away together for a week in the summer.I thought that was normal and my DC never have a problem with that.
I think you are the problem here

PeterAndreForPM · 25/03/2011 09:03

what pagwatch said

goingroundthebend4 · 25/03/2011 09:11

"has anyone who has commented got a stepson that doesnt live with them and children of their own?"

no but my son could almost be the stepson.He is 14 does not see his dad much and when he does its not like he dislikes his halfbrothers( though in his own words makes him realises how easy hisssiblings are at home)

But he does get very tired that everything has to be centered around them .They are 4 and 6 and that he never gets quality time with his dad .Is lucky if he gets 5 minutes.Cinema trips are kids film or they go to the park.when hes there hes 14 he does not do playing on parks

He now hardly goes becuase he feels what is the point.And he has tried to bring this up with his dad and asked for time alone but been told that its not possiable as his step mum needs help with the younger two and its not fair on them as they like seeing him and would moan if they miss out on time doing things as hes their dad as well this comes from the kids and his step mum .He says hes fed up of hearing well he is my dad and the well he is their dad to from his stepmum .

.He now beginning to resent his step mum and his dad and will only see him couple times a year .He does not blame the kids.Makes you think who is the adult

goingroundthebend4 · 25/03/2011 09:15

oh and im taking ds2 to Rome this year for 4 nights on his own because I feel its important he has quality time with me especially now he is a teen and we will have a balst we had fun planning what we are going to do and see.
And thats even though he lives with me and his siblings full time

monkeysmum79 · 25/03/2011 09:22

Sorry Birty, but I also think you are being unreasonable! It's difficult for any child when their parents split up. but I think that when a child becomes a teenager, they have a whole host of different emotions to deal with.
I think your DSS has every right to ask for time with his DAD! Just because his parents split doesn't make him any less important. And perhaps spending time with you all at the weekends just makes him feel awkward. He didn't ask for his Dad to remarry and have a new family. That poor kid has to divide his time up enough between his Mum, his Dad and his Friends and on top of that most of the time he does get to spend with has Dad has to be shared with his stepmum and his stepbrothers.
It sound like you don't like him very much, maybe he picks up on that!
p.s jealousy is not a good quality in a step parent!
P.P.S Fingers crossed you never find your DC in a similar situation in the future!

monkeysmum79 · 25/03/2011 09:25

Sorry, one other thing? would you feel bad for your children if you and you Dh needed some alone time away together?

VodkawithRosie · 25/03/2011 09:46

YABU, YABVVVU

no way around it

SenoritaViva · 25/03/2011 09:48

I think this is rather sad to be honest. Lovely that a 15 year old has asked to spend time with his dad, awful to think it might not happen. How rejected would he feel.

If we're talking 'fairness' then his life isn't fair already. His parents are together, he only gets an hour a week with his father etc. Yes he doesn't spend every waking hour with you when he can, but that's teenagers.

So have a lovely weekend with your DSs, go for a day out or something. Honestly, there is far too much focus on everyone getting the same. It should be seen as lucky DS getting a camping trip, maybe when you're older you'll be able to as well. In the meantime we'll have fun (and if money is tight it can be camping in the garden or something cheap).

YABU and a sadly selfish.

WkdSM · 25/03/2011 10:02

I always took the view that the SS's needed 'boy' time with their Dad - and sometimes DH needs boy time with friends and sometimes I need girl time with my friends.

If your DS's ask to have a weekend with DH, then presumably that would be fine - well why not SS?

Maybe SS has something on his mind that he wants to talk over with his dad?

And lest we forget - on the subject of only visiting when something interesting happens - that's teenagers. I think it is very healthy that he has friends he wants to spend time with and see at weekends rather than clinging to a set rota (perhaps look at a couple of threads on step parenting to see the issues strict adherence to a rota can cause).

As your DS's get older you will probably experience the same sort of thing - their mates are soooooo much more interesting than we are!

I have 2 SS's - one of whom lived with us for 3 years 13-16 so am well versed in the ways of teenage SSs.

DaisyDaresYOU · 25/03/2011 10:04

My dp used to go out on weekends with his dcs.He also parented them full time.Thats what drew me to him,i knew any babies I had he would be there for.We have 2 and he still does things with his dcs who are my age.

It really doesnt bother me.I think its lovely to see a man take an interest in his kids.My dad on the other hand is a whole other thread and it still affects me today that he wasnt allowed quality time with us

frantic51 · 25/03/2011 10:20

I agree with everybody on the thread so far. However, I do think it's telling that you started your OP with "my partner, stepson and stepsons mother had a meeting". Do you have problems with insecurity about your DP's relationship with his DS and EX? If that's the case, then you do have a my sympathy. You need to get some help and you need to be able to talk to your DP about it too.

That being said, you ABU and I think, from your silence, you probably know that, don't you?

Hope you get everything sorted. It's excellent advice to plan something special for yourself and your DSs for the same weekend.

bemybebe · 25/03/2011 10:32

My dh used to spend some 1:1 time with every one of 4 of his children going for a meal, walk, window shopping or whatever they (children) fancied doing, this is apart from the time we spend as a family (we used to get children from Friday night til Monday morning). I did feel a bit jealous in the beginning as I found i had to share my time with dh (then boyfriend), as all my previous relationships did not involved children. I learned that I love my dh because the way he was/is - caring , kind, responsible (amongst other traits) and those qualities are incompatible if he does not take his kids interests into account.

RudeEnglishLady · 25/03/2011 10:56

Hello Birty

Mother and Step-mother here. I think the holiday away is a great idea. At 15 he is becoming a young man and I think younger ones could really cramp the kind of activities and talking they have the opportunity to do here. I've got an older step-son and I really feel he needs time away from little ones as we talk on a much deeper level and can treat him differently when we are not obsessing over safety and crowd control!

I don't mind one bit if my Steps have Dad time without me or baby son. I also like it when we are alltogether.

Also the bit about choosing his friends over his Dad is a red-herring. Thats normal teenage behaviour and also healthy. Why should he end up with no friends or having to give up weekend sports to maintain the relationship? We, as step-parents and parents, have to be a bit flexible and put ourselves to trouble sometimes.

Its a balancing act, i'll admit.

hairylights · 25/03/2011 14:41

An hour a week is nothing. Yabvu. In fact it's very important they have time alone together. His half siblings get lots more time with him and I expect he feels very left out.

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