Need help, a slap...something...please

[headinamess]

I'm writing this after reading a few threads where women are in the process of finding out about their husbands' affairs. I read those threads with my heart in my mouth, because in my situation, I'm the straying partner, and I know I'm behaving every bit as badly as some of those men.

The thing is though, I'm so sad, anxious and ill and I really don't know what to do or where to turn.

Almost a year ago I confessed to my husband that I'd had an affair. It still feels weird typing those words, but I can't sit here and say it was out of character for me, because it wasn't, was it? I did it and I have to own it.

I've been having psychotherapy for six years, before, during and subsequent to the affair, and believe me, I have done some serious soul searching about what it was about my relationship with my husband and what it was about myself that led me to make those decisions.

My husband and I also had relationship counselling, at my insistence, and to my eternal shame I resumed the affair during the counselling. The counselling was useful however, and I don't think I would have ended the affair and confessed without it.

Just to provide a bit of background, my marriage has been a very difficult one at times. My husband admits that for years he didn't listen to me over some very serious issues between us, which left me feeling very unimportant in the marriage. I didn't always express myself well - I have an over-emotional personality, which leads my husband to retreat further away, which leads me to shout louder - and so it goes on.

My self esteem was at rock bottom for years, which I think is what made me vulnerable to the attentions of the OM. My husband I got together when we were very young and I was a virgin, and quite uptight about sex. However, as the years wore on, and with the help of therapy, I started to want to experiment more, but my husband seemed reluctant. I bought toys, sexy underwear, books - he showed no interest other than going through the motions because he thought I wanted him to. Even now, after almost twenty years together, I've never ever received a sexy gift from him - not so much as a pair of sexy knickers or stockings. That makes me feel totally unattractive on a bad day, on a good day that perhaps our sex drives are mismatched. I don't know - is that normal?

Now we come to the OM. He was married, a player, he lied to me, he was a serial philanderer. He pursued me relentlessly for months. I am in no way trying to absolve myself from responsibility for what I did - I fully had my part to play in everything that happened. The thing is, despite him being a bloody loser and a bad bet, he gave me a taste of what it's like to be desired, plus we got along great, it was such an easy relationship in a lot of ways. That seems weird, as most of the time we spent together was spent angsting over what we were doing, and we never even had sexual intercourse, but there just seemed to be an easy fit, where there hadn't been with my husband. Needless to say, I fell in love with him. I know it's pathetic and teenage and classic mid-life crisis territory, but it happened. I still have strong feelings for him, if I'm honest, even without contact. The other scary thing is, that I don't feel guilty, but that could be the therapy - I have a good understanding of the reasons for the affair, so while I'm sorry for what I did, I don't feel guilty as such.

Which brings me to the present day. I can't seem to fall back in love with my husband. I can recognise that he's great, he's forgiven me, we've both made major changes to our lives that should safeguard our marriage for the future. I've had no contact with the OM for almost a year. But many of the things that bothered me about my relationship with my husband (mostly centred around sex and emotional intimacy) are still there, and now I'm not in a position to complain about them, because I've lost the moral high ground.

I've tried telling him how I feel, but that just seems to rub his nose in it. I've told him that I think it might be better if we separate, but he just says I know what I have to do (ie go, because he's not going to) and that he isn't going to just roll over. I would love us to stay friends and co-parent, but he says he just isn't interested in that, he couldn't be my friend if we weren't together. The thought of that just devastates me.

We have two dcs who are 10 and 12, and to be honest, I think they are the reason we are still together.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I think I know what I have to do, I'm just not up to doing it. If anything, I just want this to serve as a warning for anyone tempted by an affair. Don't do it. It really isn't worth the pain.

No idea why I wrote subsuming - I actually meant suppressing!

Have a think about what you would be wanting to achieve from therapy. If you want to part, what would you be hoping to gain from it?

Relate for example, will see a couple if their agenda is to part well and amicably. I understand why he might be resistant to therapy because you weren't honest last time, but there's no pay-off for you this time in being dishonest as far as I can see. You seem to want to end the relationship and build a co-parenting relationship with him. You want to be fair. You obviously need to be realistic about being friends, because that might not come for some time, but you can be civil to one another. However, if that is your agenda, do you need therapy to achieve it?

If on the other hand you want to see if the marriage can be saved, then that's a different agenda entirely.

OP could have been written by me. But DH has no idea about OM. We don't have the same social circle or even meet often. It's just very intense flirting usually by text, and a pure ego boost for both of us. According to OM he feels under appreciated ( not that i'm stupid enough to believe that) and for my part OM fills a need that DH just won't.

DH is lovely, I do love him, but he has absolutely no flirtiness or flattery in him. We got together when I was 19, and I took on him and 2 DSD (+poisonous ex). We had DS shortly after and everything was such a whirlwind for about 7 years. Things began to settle and I think we were at our happiest. We were doing things together, enjoying travelling without the kids and finally doing things for ourselves. We had always discussed having another child but he kept on changing his mind until I told him that it wasn't fair to keep giving me hope then taking it away. He agreed to a vasectomy, then irony of ironies I fell pregnant with DD after a condom split. I was on the pill but was taking antibiotics so got the MAP but DD was a determined wee thing and hung in there. His reaction to my pregnancy was to insist that I abort and that he wanted nothing to do with the pregnancy if I continued.

He refused to go to any of the scans, despite him knowing that I was petrified of the 1st scan because my doctor was worried about the effects of the MAP. He expected me to carry on as though I wasn't pregnant and used to get angry if I said I was tired or fed up. He knew this would be my last pregnancy and that I wanted to have an enjoyable one since I had such a hard time from his DDs and ex when I was pregnant with DS. He's been brilliant with DD since she was born and has apologised for his behaviour, but I can't forgive him. There will always be that resentment. He had the vasectomy and I had to have an ablation so the door has truly been shut on having any more kids, so it makes it so much harder to put it behind me 5 years later. There have also been issues with his jealousy which resulted in me cutting off friendships with male friends for a quiet life. I was young and stupid then, but have grown up so much in the last 7 years.

We have had discussions before I met OM and DH says that he feels that he was losing me (as the doormat) and that I changed. My reply was that I was 19 when I met him, it would be unrealistic to think that I would be the same person. My ambitions are finally being fulfilled now that we have no restrictions such as CSA and DSD are now 18 and 16. I have given up a good chunk of my life to be with him and DSDs and I feel it is my time to be selfish. Nobody puts me at the top of their priorities, I'm left to do everything. We did try DH taking control of things, but that really didn't work because he kept on getting MIL to do it. When MIL and I left it to him, nothing was done and we ended up in a huge mess. I've accepted that he is happier to leave the daily grind to me. I handle the money etc, but I just wish that he would participate. He'll do the housework, cook and clean, but only at a pinch. If I'm anywhere in the vicinity there isn't a hope. MIL, lovely as she is, doesn't help because she enables him...

Things with OM are so much simpler. No daily drudge, just fantasy. We are both honest about it. The attraction is purely physical. I don't know much about him, he doesn't know much about me and we like it that way. We flirt by text and we'll maybe meet for coffee the odd time. It's like being with DH before DD (the impromptu coffees etc not the flirty texts). DH really doesn't do flirting or complementing so it feels great to have somebody tell me that I look great, or that I'm amazing. DH did try when I brought it up in discussion, but it was so half-hearted that he might as well not have bothered and it eventually stopped. DH also knows that I'm fed up with having to initiate sex. When I stopped initiating sex we had none for nearly 3 months!! I've tried and tried to tell him that I love it when he takes the lead and seduces me or builds up the tension through the day but I might as well talk to the wall. He tries for a bit then seems to think that he has done enough. Or else he gets annoyed when I turn him down because he has decided to make a move just as the DCs are coming home from school. We've had the whole house to ourselves all day, but it has to be then .

I think you need a new therapist.

They shouldn't take sides nor gang up etc. if that is true. They should know when you are lying by omission too.

You should also go in with an open mind- not an agenda.

Change your therapist- they don't sound good TBH.

p.s.- if your mind is made up, you need mediation- not therapy.

On no - the couples counsellor was a different therapist to my personal one.
She was a bit negative, tbh.

I didn't lie by omission. I lied through my back teeth.

My mind isn't quite made up. I want to connect. I want him to show an interest in me. I was honest with him about the affair because I didn't want us to go forward based on a lie.

That all must count for something.

Waldorf - sounds like your affair is slightly different to mine, as it is purely physical. I made the huge error of getting extremely emotionally attached as well as having a strong sexual attraction. It's very very difficult to cut those ties once they are made. Please be careful. Don't be me.

It sounds as though you want to try again with your H and so perhaps you need to decide whether you can achieve that on your own, or whether you'll benefit from therapy as a couple. You will both be asked in turn what you want to achieve from the counselling and that is of course what I mean by an agenda. It's really helpful to know what your individual objectives are before you go there, but bear in mind that these might change as the therapy progresses and don't be concerned if your initial objectives are very different from eachother's.

For example, your H might not want to confront some of the choices he has made, but it is likely that a good therapist will encourage him to do so. And the same for you. There may be things you really don't want to confront, but you'll receive encouragement and support to do so.

It's really hard to get a sense of the quality of conversations you have had with your H in recent times. You don't say whether he has needed to hear about the affair or why it happened, or whether you have been able to tell eachother what you both need now, in the aftermath.

Why don't you try couples' counselling once more with someone else?
But if you do, it has to be with the intention of trying to find a re-connection. if it doesn't work, fine.

A counsellor should not take sides or pass judgment.

(BTW I get so pissed off with all the unprofessional behaviour of some counsellors reported here. I have 4 friends who are counsellors and they would be horrified if they knew how other counsellors seemingly counsel.)

However, if you have NEVER been attracted to your DH and you kind of fell into marriage and kids, then you have to accept it may not help.

You can't re-ignite a fire that was never alight in the first place.

When you said in your previous post that you "want him to show an interest in you"- well, are you going to show an interest in HIM too?

Without going back over 6 pages which I can't do- dinner needs to be cooked- I cannot recall you expressing one positive comment on your DH.

Can you see ANY good in him at all?

You married at 22- what age did you meet? was he your first real boyfriend? had you been out with many other men?

You see, if all you have to compare him with is himself and one intense fling,that's a very limited range of experiences. You can't compare him with the OM, as the affair was an affair. It wasn't day to day living.

What is missing that you want to put into your marriage? He can't change who he is- no matter how much he loves you. he might be able to change his behaviour - if he is "trained" to do it. If he did, would that be enough?

Dh was my first love. He is a lovely man, in lots of ways. Kind, intelligent, can be funny. A great dad. Loyal. Fair. Attractive. Honest. Well informed.

The problems came for me because he can also be passive, complacent, guarded, thoughtless, stubborn, pompous and selfish. He admits to all this and is willing to try to change - for his own happiness as much as mine.

For my part, I need to be calmer, more empathic, kinder, more honest, less selfish and less moody.

We've got a lot of work to do, there's no doubt. Thank you for your time and help. You've certainly helped me clarify my thoughts. You're wonderful.

Best of luck- let us know how it goes.