Need help, a slap...something...please

[headinamess]

I'm writing this after reading a few threads where women are in the process of finding out about their husbands' affairs. I read those threads with my heart in my mouth, because in my situation, I'm the straying partner, and I know I'm behaving every bit as badly as some of those men.

The thing is though, I'm so sad, anxious and ill and I really don't know what to do or where to turn.

Almost a year ago I confessed to my husband that I'd had an affair. It still feels weird typing those words, but I can't sit here and say it was out of character for me, because it wasn't, was it? I did it and I have to own it.

I've been having psychotherapy for six years, before, during and subsequent to the affair, and believe me, I have done some serious soul searching about what it was about my relationship with my husband and what it was about myself that led me to make those decisions.

My husband and I also had relationship counselling, at my insistence, and to my eternal shame I resumed the affair during the counselling. The counselling was useful however, and I don't think I would have ended the affair and confessed without it.

Just to provide a bit of background, my marriage has been a very difficult one at times. My husband admits that for years he didn't listen to me over some very serious issues between us, which left me feeling very unimportant in the marriage. I didn't always express myself well - I have an over-emotional personality, which leads my husband to retreat further away, which leads me to shout louder - and so it goes on.

My self esteem was at rock bottom for years, which I think is what made me vulnerable to the attentions of the OM. My husband I got together when we were very young and I was a virgin, and quite uptight about sex. However, as the years wore on, and with the help of therapy, I started to want to experiment more, but my husband seemed reluctant. I bought toys, sexy underwear, books - he showed no interest other than going through the motions because he thought I wanted him to. Even now, after almost twenty years together, I've never ever received a sexy gift from him - not so much as a pair of sexy knickers or stockings. That makes me feel totally unattractive on a bad day, on a good day that perhaps our sex drives are mismatched. I don't know - is that normal?

Now we come to the OM. He was married, a player, he lied to me, he was a serial philanderer. He pursued me relentlessly for months. I am in no way trying to absolve myself from responsibility for what I did - I fully had my part to play in everything that happened. The thing is, despite him being a bloody loser and a bad bet, he gave me a taste of what it's like to be desired, plus we got along great, it was such an easy relationship in a lot of ways. That seems weird, as most of the time we spent together was spent angsting over what we were doing, and we never even had sexual intercourse, but there just seemed to be an easy fit, where there hadn't been with my husband. Needless to say, I fell in love with him. I know it's pathetic and teenage and classic mid-life crisis territory, but it happened. I still have strong feelings for him, if I'm honest, even without contact. The other scary thing is, that I don't feel guilty, but that could be the therapy - I have a good understanding of the reasons for the affair, so while I'm sorry for what I did, I don't feel guilty as such.

Which brings me to the present day. I can't seem to fall back in love with my husband. I can recognise that he's great, he's forgiven me, we've both made major changes to our lives that should safeguard our marriage for the future. I've had no contact with the OM for almost a year. But many of the things that bothered me about my relationship with my husband (mostly centred around sex and emotional intimacy) are still there, and now I'm not in a position to complain about them, because I've lost the moral high ground.

I've tried telling him how I feel, but that just seems to rub his nose in it. I've told him that I think it might be better if we separate, but he just says I know what I have to do (ie go, because he's not going to) and that he isn't going to just roll over. I would love us to stay friends and co-parent, but he says he just isn't interested in that, he couldn't be my friend if we weren't together. The thought of that just devastates me.

We have two dcs who are 10 and 12, and to be honest, I think they are the reason we are still together.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I think I know what I have to do, I'm just not up to doing it. If anything, I just want this to serve as a warning for anyone tempted by an affair. Don't do it. It really isn't worth the pain.

Oh, he's not stupid.

Stubborn, to an Olympic standard. But not stupid. He absolutely bamboozles me with words sometimes, and I've got a degree in English and Linguistics...

Oh, that sounds grim. Give yourself some time, there is no deadline.

Maybe keep the venting for your counselling sessions, and if they aren't going anywhere and you've been going for a very long time to the same one, why not considering having a break and starting again with someone new?

Try and get some time to yourself when you don't have to be a wife and/or mother.

Thanks missmehalla. I've just got a new job and I love it. It's the only time I have when I'm not thinking about my marriage/OM/the boys/how miserable I am.

It makes me pull my head out of my arse, which can only be a good thing.

Can you share custody of the children, say 4 nights at one home 3 nights at the other, or can you not bear the thought of that either?

I could do that, he couldn't.

Says he didn't have children not to be with them, and that it's their job to leave him, not the other way round.

I've said to him before, I can't fault his devotion to his kids. Although that's only really come to the fore recently. He was happy to work every Saturday for years when I didn't want him to, and we didn't need the money.

Sorry, I should have said, the thought of it is difficult, but I could do it if I had to, if that's what was best.

I obviously don't relish the idea.

Does he know any separated families? Are there any examples in your social group of families that live apart where the children have adapted and are happy? Familiarity with that might help him because he might be very fearful of splitting up if he imagines the worst case scenario for your DSs.

In the interests of fairness, I have to say that he is making an effort in lots of ways.

I just think that the things he would have to change are things that no-one should have to change. Surely someone should be loved for themselves?

And I resent the fact that I had to go and have a stupid affair before he realised how serious I was and make some changes, when before he would stride over me sobbing on the bathroom floor to get to work.

Why wasn't it enough that I was unhappy? Why did I have to do something stupid before he'd listen to me?

Now it all feels too little too late.

Ugh.

No divorces on either side of the family, nor among any of our friends.

He's very private too, and I think separating would be hard for him as it's a public statement that things have gone wrong.

I do realise that it sounds like I blame him for my affair.

I don't. My choice, and it was a bad one.

That came out wrong, sorry.

He would stride over you sobbing and leave you there to go to work?

Well of course that would erode your love for him. Part of your make up is to protect yourself and you do that by detaching from people who show you no love - he wasn't very loving at those times so I'm not surprised things went wrong.

I think you are taking way too much responsibility for this. You can't make yourself love him especially if he's not loving towards you. You must fantasize about being loved by someone in the way you need. I'm not surprised you reached out to someone else when you did.

You sound so unhappy. :(

The courts would probably decide upon a 50/50 split if you both wanted the children and are good parents. Your husband is effectively using the children as ransom. Thankfully though he can't dictate what would happen to them in a split. if bhe genuinely wants what's best for them, he won't make your break up (too) acrimonious.

Or you could wait until the kids are 18 and do it then...? It probably seems like a life sentence at this point though.

Yes, he would, loves.

He just used to detach...says he didn't know what to do, so did nothing.

Little by little, the love died.

OM used to cry when I did. That's why I fell in love with him. Empathy, even if he was only after a snog and a grope

Thanks for the hug.

I have to go to counselling in a minute.

Thank you all for your time.

Stop thinking of this situation as your dickhead H is the saint and you are the sinner. Both of you have been at fault in some way in the past. Ok, you breached monogamy, it's not actually the end of the world.
This is a textbook example of how affairs sometimes do happen because the 'betrayed' partner has been lazy and selfish. Your H ignored your sexual frustration and unhappiness for years, and then got to play the martyr when you had an affair. People who won't address their partner's frustration and won't discuss it forfeit the right to insist on monogamy. Now he is getting off on continuing martyrdom and punishing you and will happily do so for the rest of your life if you don't put an end to the marriage.

He does admit to having been at fault in the past, sgb.

He's having counselling to address his issues. He says he just needs more time.

I don't know how much more I can give him, though.

He's not a dickhead. He's acted like one in the past at times, but then so have I.

I really don't understand why he wants to stay married to you after all this. It's really strange.

I think you might as well get divorced now because your children are probably going to be at home for another 10-12 years, factoring in coming home during uni holidays, and I don't reckon you will stick it that long.

Better to divorce now than when they are doing GCSEs, A levels, finals, whatever

Hi OP,

Why are you flogging a dead horse? (your marriage) It seems to be clearly over as far as I can see. One of the basic requirements of a marriage is to be desired and for there to be sexual attraction.

In effect he has sexually rejected you. I'm not suprised you fell for the other eejot. Not justifying it, but it's textbook what happens when someone's neglected isn't it.

All this counselling, it's not supposed to be this amount of hard work. Sometimes people just fall out of love. What can you do only move on.

Perhaps because you were a virgin when you met him you are trying much too hard to keep the relationship going, you don't have to. If it's not working, it's ok to admit that and move on.

We do have sex.

It's in bed, when he feels like it.

There's no flirting otherwise, no sidelong glances, no whispers in the ear, no sexy texts...nothing.

It's like having to make do with a pan of stew when you know it would take five minutes to make foie gras.

I'm not asking for much. I just want to feel like a sexual being, someone who's important in her own right, whose feelings matter.

I feel like I finally sexually matured when I was seeing OM. We didn't have full sex, but my God, he wanted me, and that feeling was amazing. As was the emotional intimacy, and the empathy. Yes, it was probably a load of bolleaux, but that feeling, having never had it...irresistible. To me, anyway. Shamefully.

That's not shameful headinamess! That's perfectly normal. That's the way it's supposed to be.

When I said he sexually rejected you, I don't mean that you don't have sex any more but that he wasn't interested when you tried to spice things up and that he takes you for granted.

I don't understand why you are holding on with such a deathgrip to the marriage. And why you are taking so much blame for the affair. I understand personal responsibility is fine but you've gone much further. You are almost self flagellating yourself for it.

This man stepped over you while you were crying on the floor and then acts suprised when you had an affair.

Also, as for;
I think separating would be hard for him as it's a public statement that things have gone wrong.

Well things have gone wrong. What are you gonna do...stay in a dead marriage, trying desperately to jump-start it for ever with counselling, just because he's worried about 'losing face' with the Jones's ??

Don't let him control your life like that. You deserve a proper sex life not all this angst and pointless counselling. Do what you want and screw what the neighbours think!

Like I said, this bloke is revelling in his martyrdom. He's got something to hold over your head indefinitely ('You had an affair, you can't criticise me for anything). He;s at least 50% to blame for you having an affair.

ANd I am not just saying this because you;re the woman and he;s a man. There are women who behave like this (sexual rejection of a partner and refusing to discuss the issue at all) who are to blame when their partners stray.
Sometimes a betrayed partner is a good person who did nothing wrong, but there are plenty of times when someone has an affair because their existing partner is behaving badly.
Really: cut your losses. DOn't be drawn into rows about this, tell him that you want to separate and for the DC's sake you want to do so as amicably as possible.

If he tries to tell you that he will get custody because you had an affair, this is bullshit. It's not illegal to sleep with someone other than your official partner. It doesn't make you a bad mother. And it certainly can't be used against you WRT custody and access.

It seems pretty unanimous. I wish I had the strength to just do what I want to do.

He hasn't threatened to use the affair to get custody. He tells me that he knows full well what will happen - that he will be pushed out because the mum always get custody. Which makes me feel guilty.

Anyway, I don't think the affair would be grounds, as I didn't have full sex with the OM, and it was over 6 months ago. Or is that an urban myth?

You said there were no examples of separated families in your social group which must be making it hard for him to envisage that scenario. You don't need to convince him that it will all be fine, as you obviously could just separate and leave him to come to terms with the after effects (after all he has shown shocking disregard for your emotional state in the past) BUT I think you need to address his fears about splitting up, in order for you to get brave enough to do it. So on the basis that it might help YOU move on, can you talk to him more about how your family unit could work after a separation.

In your situation I would be doing a rightmove web search into rented places nearby that he could move into, then sketch out in your mind a weekly plan for the children that has them spending time with each of you. Maybe there are some positives in there for their relationship that you could emphasis. I say this because I have done it for my situation and hard as it was, I felt better having worked out the practicalities and better able to sound confident that separating was the best option (when I felt totally unsure in reality). Without that confidence I don't know how you will progress this as he is obviously going to resist strongly.

It sounds as though he browbeats you during arguments which also must be hard to deal with and is also an unloving way to treat someone.

You sound so low and the thing that is holding you back is the guilt of being the one that finally makes the decision to call it a day. If your DH was the one to make the decision would that bring a sense of relief?

Reading through your thread the impression that I get is one of weariness and sadness that you haven't been able to resolve anything and the realization that there is nowhere else to go with this.

SGB is right (and all the other posters who have made the same point), sexual/emotional rejection is a killer and the affair is a symptom (in this case) and not a reason for the breakdown of the relationship. There definitely is some emotional black-mailing going on here. It's very easy for the 'wronged' partner to point the finger and apportion blame and that seems to be what he is doing.

Your DH, from what you write, doesn't have the capacity to know how to fix this either (that doesn't make him the baddy...or you for that matter) just an unfortunate fact.

You've talked to your DH and made clear what your needs are, he can't/won't meet these so the question is can you honestly keep this relationship going to the point where either of you can have a decent amount of happiness?

head- do you think the reason you cannot leave is because actually, you do love him- you are simply missing the hearts and flowers that your affair gave you?

Some of your posts point to you missing "romance" rather than a deep break down in communication.

I wonder if you are expecting too much or have unrealisitc ideas of long term marriage?

I can't see what he has done wrong, except not make you feel sexy by buying you sexy/personal presents ( my DH never ever has in 27 years) or offer you sexual excitement.

If what you are saying is that you are sexually incompatible, and that he doesn't turn you on- well, can you address that? Have you both tried to recreate some magic by spending time alone as a couple?

I know these are cliched ideas- but you seem to be looking for reasons to go, rather than working on how you might stay.