am I too sensitive?

[Weissbier]

I'm going mad because two things are really making me miserable in my relationship and I don't know if it's me, or him :(

He's not personally mean like "you're fat" or whatever, but it seems like whatever I say, there has to be some sort of opposition or discussion. If I open a window, he tells me it would be better to air the room with them wide open and then shut them again; if I say "let's pick up the prescription at this chemist we're just going past now" he'll say we should go to another (aren't they all the same?). I have to cut the butter a certain way, we're each allowed four coathangers on the coatstand and he comments immediately if I forget and put one on the wrong side. If I'm cooking something he comes and adjusts the pan so it sits better on the flame. One bathroom door should always be shut, the other always open (something to do with humidity and mould, this). I sat down to eat something I'd cooked just for me (he wasn't hungry) the other day and he said "did you remember to salt the water?". Every time I say something related to DD he has to look it up on the internet or speak to a doctor / another parent before believing me. I understand why he would sometimes want to do this but is it a bit weird never to be able to say "OK" or "fine"...? I end up buying things for DD with my own money rather than our joint account to avoid the discussion about why did I buy two dummies, did she need them, what make, he wants to look up on the internet if that was a good make, etc etc etc.

Also, the way he talks to me is driving me crazy. He swears it isn't personal and I'm oversensitive so maybe I am. But practically everything I say is replied to with "that's what you say", "only you say that", "just because you think" or "it's not true, what you say". It's really getting me down. I remarked today that DD always kicks her socks off and will soon be too big for babygros and he said "just because you don't like wearing tights, doesn't mean she can't". But of course it doesn't! Why didn't he just say "she can wear tights"...? I bought her some tights ages ago, they are in her clothes basket...

They are small things and if they happened occasionally I wouldn't even notice but it's constant! Or do I need to get over myself?

When I try to explain to him why I find "that's what you say" etc demoralising he rolls his eyes, says he has no idea how he should say anything so I will be happy and is sarcastic, kicks doors etc. I just can't seem to get it across to him why it upsets me which is making me wonder if I really am crazy?

He's a loving father, supportive of my work and he pulls his weight with DD and I don't want to split up with him over household rules and turns of phrase :( . How can I solve this? I've tried just to ignore it but it doesn't work, every three days I end up in tears with it.

Sorry, bit long, had to get all that off my chest. . I'd be really grateful for advice, including YRBU if that is what I am!!!

Wow - he sounds hard work - nothing constructive to say but at least he talks to you (even if he over analyses everything ) - my DH is the complete opposite - total disinterest and a 'yes dear' to whatever I say.

Sorry not much help, hope someone comes along who can offer more advice.

no no no no no no no no no no not oversensitive at all.

and no no no no no no no (haven't i already said that?) you are not crazy.

he is critising you choices all the time. nothing you do seems right, he sounds really really controlling. it is not normal behviour. and my goodness it is wearing...

i think u shd let him knw abt how u feel.all the best

Not oversensitive at all.

He sounds like a fucking nightmare, tbh.

Also, the constant undermining of everything you do, everything you say is akin to emotional abuse.

I couldn't be with someone like that. My sympathies.

He is a gigantic control freak. I have no idea how you stand it.

(And this is coming from someone married to someone with control freakery tendencies which I attempt to nip in the bud as required.......).

It is not normal behaviour and you are NOT unreasonable. I would suggest you go to counselling or relate and let him hear from someone else how his behaviour might affect you, as he clearly isn't going to take it from you.

But the thing is he isn't controlling in ways that one would typically recognise as controlling, like not letting me go out or whatever. Indeed he's always been very supportive of me going out and says stay out as long as you like go and have a drink with your friends, DD and I will be fine (which they are, he is super with her). And he's very good about my work which not all men are, we share the childcare and although I still end up doing more I don't mind that because he does enough (I love looking after DD anyway). He's lovely to my family and he was lovely when I had a 24-hour sick bug the other week, looked after DD all day etc.

He swears he's not criticising and it's not personal. This is where the communication breaks down. If I say "I have changed eighteen things in how I clean or tidy the house to please you" he says "yes! And they were all to the good!" I cannot seem to make him understand that even if he is right about the mould / butter / position of my cocoa on the hob...that's not the point! I feel all got at! I don't have any personal things up in any of the communal rooms, all my favourite photos are in my little office, because he doesn't want them up in the sitting room, he wants only original paintings in the sitting room.

And I couldn't get him to understand at all why "just because you don't like tights" was an example of the sort of way of speaking I find depressing. In the end I said "you'd never begin a business conversation like that if you wanted to secure the deal" and he was really cross, said we shouldn't have to pussy-foot around each other all politely...talking to each other politely is important to me, I think it's a sign of love and respect in a marriage...

Maybe a marriage counsellor would get through to him, seeing as he likes to ask other people before believing me?

It doesn't sound very good to me, wearing away at your self-confidence by nit-picking everything you ay & do - especially if he kicks doors and things when you challenge him on it. That's a way of intimidating you to STFU.

He needs to stop.

PS and thank you so much for your comments, I was going stir-crazy with nobody to talk to about it! x

Weissbier - He is being controlling but also hugely disrespectful, dismissing your views, your choices, your feelings, effectively dismissing you. He seems to be turning everything around so it is your fault, you are in the wrong. Is he ever wrong (or does he ever admit being wrong)? Does he ever apologise for anything?

This is not a matter of house rules or turn of phrase, it is about his inability to allow you to do or think anything that is not approved by him. I am presuming you have already broached this subject with him and that is why he has called you oversensitive (which you aren't)? I honestly don't think he would change - this behaviour sounds engrained. He has no reason to change either, he is king of his empire.

He is also changing your reality and making you doubt your own feelings by dismissing them. These are not nice things to do.

Tbh, there is a man in DP's family who sounds very similar and he's got Asperger's.

Any chance it could be that?

If not, then he's just a dick. Sorry.

I'm afraid having a rigid way that everything must be done and making others fall in line with that IS controlling behaviour. I can't believe he doesn't allow your photos in your own sitting room. That is deeply wrong.

The eye-rolling bit is horrid- it's very disrespectful. You shouldn't want to belittle and shrug off the views of people you care about- a nice person would also want to fix this, not leave you feeling bad about it.

The endless checking is also undermining. I bet he doesn't treat his boss like that; automatic assumption they are too thick to make the right choice. So again, disrespectful.

One of the main things your twatty DH needs to learn is how to have "we/us" conversations, not accusatory "you" ones. He sounds very childish indeed.

Hugely unbalanced relationship here: you should be able to have some of the things you want in your joint living space and you shouldn't have to change every tiny little thing you do to 'his way' for a quiet life. You'll never be able to please him, he'll just keep moving the goal-posts.

I was also going to suggest Asperger's.

If it is that, then you would need to sit down with him and discuss it all logically. Probably you would still need to comply with some of his rules but perhaps you could decide on some areas where you can have a respectful discussion on the best way to proceed.

She sounds like he absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. I'm sorry OP :( You are not too sensitive, I would have told him to shove his coat hangers up his arse a very long time ago.

I wondered abvoyr Aspberger's too winnybella

I'm no expert but my cousin has it and may explain why tyou can't get him to understand why you find his comments hurtful?

It's certainly not an excuse and I don't think YABU at all but may be something worth looking into?

that will be about and you -sorry!

I was about to suggest aspergers too or ocd. His behaviour is unreasonable, but he sounds like he has a lot of Good qualities too.

HandDived - he rarely apologises but it has been known to happen ...erm...trying to remember the last time... he did for being grumpy to me first thing in the morning (what happened was: DD was ill with bronchitis. It was very stuffy in her bedroom and she was sweating so I opened the window a little. She calmed down and went to sleep. Later, He came in and said "did you open the window? It is cold in here! Incredible!" [meaning, how could I when DD had bronchitis]. I was upset and said "it was stuffy in the room, she was too hot, the room feels cold because our bedroom is very warm as you've been doing your sweat cure (don't ask) for your cold, it is 20 degrees in DD's room, I'm not stupid" and he was all huffy the next day about the "not stupid".)

The weird thing is, if he was always calling me in the wrong, I could recognise that as arse-ache behaviour. But when I say "why am I always in the wrong?" he says "I feel like I am always in the wrong! Why do you take it so personally? I don't mean you're bad just because I want to shut the bathroom door" etc etc.

He always says we should make joint decisions etc and he does ask my opinion on things. Sometimes, he agrees or we reach a compromise. Often, we do what he wants, either because I genuinely don't mind/care (eg how our books are organised on our bookshelf - whether biographies go to the left or to the right isn't something that keeps me up at night), or because he asks my opinion, I give it, and then he goes on until I say "well, do that then, it's not important". Which it often isn't.

I'm quite easy-going really...not the world's most placid person, that's true, I get a bit nervous easily, but whether a door's open or shut or whatever just's not important to me. I said to him, I just clear away a coffee cup if I see it lying around without really thinking anything of it. He says, "but you should tell me I left the coffee cup lying there". But why? Isn't that a bit joyless? It takes 2 seconds just to pick the thing up!

To be honest though it doesn't matter if it Aspbergers, it is about whether the OP can live with such rigid and changing rules all the time and the complete lack of respect. He also doesn't seem at all upset that he is making her unhappy. Can you really live the rest of your life like this OP?

I was just coming on to say it sounds exactly like AS to me.

This is how I am- sometimes my DH has to remind me to stop overanalysing, but he's never offended by the way I speak to him, just prompts me when it gets too much.

He can learn how to moderate his behaviour though- mainly through your help about what to do in various situations- examples we can copy are great for learning.

Do you think he could have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? I overcame that a few years ago. I had to have things a certain way and would freak out if they weren't right. I always thought if I didn't do something that way then something bad would happen to me or my family or pets. Perhaps he takes it to an extra extreme and feels the need to be in control of everything? Could be related to the disorder.

Also, I have heard that Autism and Aspergers can make people react differently to situations, though I don't know a lot about those conditions.

Wow my ex was exactly like this. The thing with the tights is the worst. I bet you felt you had to "defend" yourself against that little accusation didnt you? Bet you are constantly explaining yourself and refuting little accusations all the time. Utterly soul destroying. Mind you he sounds good in other ways, not totally controlling, good about child care etc. I think relate could be a good thing here. However don't be surprised if it escalates into other areas as I rather suspect it will. This kind of thing sent me quite literally nuts and it's not something you will be able to tolerate in the long term. If you are crying every three days about it then things are very out of hand.

But i totally have experience of how awful this is to deal with and you are so NOT being too sensitive

My cousin's got Asperger's. I don't think it's that. He can be really loving when he wants to be (like when I was pregnant, and he is to DD). But I CANNOT get him to understand a) why any large number of comments tends to wear down even the most easy-going of human beings, regardless of whether or not they are good ideas, and b) I don't like swearing / shouting / kicking / farting / weird turns of phrase like "only you have said this" / imitating my voice in a mean way / etc.

I can comply with the household stuff - annoys me from time to time but it's not that important in the grand scheme of things (and I WAS much too untidy, it's always been a family joke). But the turns of phrase...dear God...I've never had a relationship where the guy talks like this, and the more it happens the more sensitive to it I get and the worse it gets :(

Zikes - I agree with you about the goalposts :( - now, he's started changing things HE initially agreed. Like, the baby steriliser. I put it in our bathroom with a window because he's obsessed with mould and I thought, that's a good place, all tiled and we can open the window. This bloody steriliser then moved to DD's room - until he discovered the humidity was high in there. Then it was transferred to the second bathroom with no window. Surprise surprise, bit damp in there to. Then it moved to the kitchen, where it annoyed him as it cluttered the work surface. And finally, back to the bathroom with the window...

I think it does matter HDS. If his behaviour can be better understood both op and her dh can find ways to make things work for them. I think he sounds like a very loving partner and just maybe the op would like to work at their relationship.