am I too sensitive?

[Weissbier]

I'm going mad because two things are really making me miserable in my relationship and I don't know if it's me, or him :(

He's not personally mean like "you're fat" or whatever, but it seems like whatever I say, there has to be some sort of opposition or discussion. If I open a window, he tells me it would be better to air the room with them wide open and then shut them again; if I say "let's pick up the prescription at this chemist we're just going past now" he'll say we should go to another (aren't they all the same?). I have to cut the butter a certain way, we're each allowed four coathangers on the coatstand and he comments immediately if I forget and put one on the wrong side. If I'm cooking something he comes and adjusts the pan so it sits better on the flame. One bathroom door should always be shut, the other always open (something to do with humidity and mould, this). I sat down to eat something I'd cooked just for me (he wasn't hungry) the other day and he said "did you remember to salt the water?". Every time I say something related to DD he has to look it up on the internet or speak to a doctor / another parent before believing me. I understand why he would sometimes want to do this but is it a bit weird never to be able to say "OK" or "fine"...? I end up buying things for DD with my own money rather than our joint account to avoid the discussion about why did I buy two dummies, did she need them, what make, he wants to look up on the internet if that was a good make, etc etc etc.

Also, the way he talks to me is driving me crazy. He swears it isn't personal and I'm oversensitive so maybe I am. But practically everything I say is replied to with "that's what you say", "only you say that", "just because you think" or "it's not true, what you say". It's really getting me down. I remarked today that DD always kicks her socks off and will soon be too big for babygros and he said "just because you don't like wearing tights, doesn't mean she can't". But of course it doesn't! Why didn't he just say "she can wear tights"...? I bought her some tights ages ago, they are in her clothes basket...

They are small things and if they happened occasionally I wouldn't even notice but it's constant! Or do I need to get over myself?

When I try to explain to him why I find "that's what you say" etc demoralising he rolls his eyes, says he has no idea how he should say anything so I will be happy and is sarcastic, kicks doors etc. I just can't seem to get it across to him why it upsets me which is making me wonder if I really am crazy?

He's a loving father, supportive of my work and he pulls his weight with DD and I don't want to split up with him over household rules and turns of phrase :( . How can I solve this? I've tried just to ignore it but it doesn't work, every three days I end up in tears with it.

Sorry, bit long, had to get all that off my chest. . I'd be really grateful for advice, including YRBU if that is what I am!!!

I have now read the whole thread and he really isn't right.

I agree with the anger thing, he sounds like he has MASSIVE anger barely held in check and it comes out in little cold spurts (all the negativity) as constant temporary releases, and then more so with the inanimate objects. What were/are his parents like?

Pplop - oh yes he isn't getting controlling me anymore - it's all changing and he doesn't like it.

OP - be kind to yourself.

Pplop - oh yes he isn't getting controlling me anymore - it's all changing and he doesn't like it. grin

Wahoo!

SOrry but this is not about cooking/windows/doors/hygiene. This is about him wanting you to be scared of him and desperate to please him. He is choosing to bully you.
You mentioned that things were OK before you had your DD. I'm afraid this is a fairly classic pattern followed by abusive men (make no mistake, this is an abusive man) - you don't notice how much the relationship has become about you obeying and pleasing him when you don't have DC. Time after time you find yourself going along with whatever he wants because it's no big deal, you don't want to have a row, etc etc. THen when the first baby arrives, you are suddenly not immediately putting the man first. So he starts taking steps to remind you of your place ie obedient to him. What he;s aiming for is you to have to ask permission for everything you do and have no autonomy or self-esteem left.
He's not ASD by the way, he's just a cock. I would suggest you think about leaving.

He sounds exactly like my ex-H, I thought I was going mad because I could feel my confidence slipping away but couldn't pin down why. He always seemed so reasonable that I felt I was over-sensitive. When he left me he admitted he had done it all on purpose because he was jealous of me and he wanted me to feel bad so I was reliant on him.

You are not over-sensitive, he is unreasonable and controlling

I'm reading your posts, OP, completely flasbergasted and open-mouthed. Quite apart from the day-in-day-out stress you might be under, what about your DD? She's a baby but will be picking up on the behaviour and communication. Even more important, for me, is how your H will talk to/behave with your DD when she's older and has her own opinions and ways of doing things. Actually - let's turn this around a little: If your H was saying these things to or behaving this way with your DD, how would you feel and how would you respond?

Of course, I mean when your DD is older (your DH will not change, btw, without intervention).

I started out thinking - hmm, seems like a nice enough bloke but he really needs to see someone (counsellor) to sort out some issues.....>>>> Hmm that's weird.....>>> Hmm, that's not right!!.... >>> Hmm, fuck!!... >>> Hmm, Jesus bloody christ on a bike.....all the way through to You need to leave him before this gets any worse. He needs to go to an anger management class and he needs to get help... but you don't need to put up with any more of this.. he will only get worse.

I am very impressed that you can see that leaving is a) an option and b) something you would be prepared to do if things don't change. You sound very strong for someone who has been living with this level of criticism and weirdness for so long, but you need to get out before he grinds you down to thinking this is normal or acceptable.

Once your DD is a toddler he will be like this with her too - do you want that for her?

Now you see my ex never did become unpleasant with the dc, it was only ever me and his mum and sisters. Some men don't start on the dc, which actually sometimes makes it even harder because it makes you feel even more that the problem actually is YOU.

My XH didn't do it til my DD1 was about 9 or 10.

Then she got shit on for putting lip gloss on

Does he have a sense of humour? I mean, could you gently rib him out of it?
That's what I do when my DH starts getting snippy.

Nah, scrap that. Just remembered parts of the thread. He's way beyond that.
And you're in Germany.

*He said "but there's nothing constructive about what you're saying!" and gouged into the dining table with some scissors

This really isn't right, although funny*

Well, I wouldn't even think that was funny, I would be scared sh!!*s give me the eebiejeebies if I was in that situation with my DC!

Maybe I'm just being sensitive, having been thru domestic violence, that would be a MAJOR red flag for me!!

My DH certainly has tendencies in this direction, although he is never violent. He tries to say that his way of doing things is always the correct way (MIL was exactly the same) and always tries to double-check things that I say.

However, I am a stroppy cow and have always stood up to him - this can get a little uncomfortable at times but I am aware of the effect on my DSs if I was just a doormat for him. After more than 20 years, I think we have now reached a point where things are on a more equal footing and I don't let him get away with any attempts to bully me. But then we did get together in our 30s, so I was older and wiser than many might be in this situation.

Also, it helps that I am a computer whiz and he is totally technophobic and so I can always research my point of view!

I feel sad for you, OP, as you have a DH with an aggressive side to deal with and so I don't know what to advise. I have some agreement with the idea that this kind of behaviour is slightly ASD - after all, there is a spectrum and many men could be on this! Our DS1 is ASD and I can see some tendencies in DH too.

Grew up with a father like this. Was fucking awful. Like permantly walking on eggshells. Tried for years to be a "good" daughter, and put up with all the stuff others have mentioned, as well as the bins being gone through, to see what we'd thrown away, exact amount of washing up liquid to use, where to put everything in it's exact place, bla, bla, bla.....He never hit his wife, just us, but it was for our own good, so we would learn how to do things properly and respect HIS house and HIS rules........
Left home as soon as I could, but took years to get away from his control. Haven't seen him for 6 years. Life's so much better now.
OP please get this sorted one way or another. Based on my experience, it gets worse once the babies turn into little people. Do you want him affecting your DD like he affects you, or worse?

Must confess to not having read the whole thread. This does sound pretty bad, Weissbier. I thought it may be "just" a bad habit (or a lot of them, actually) but getting physically angry when you try to make him see that you're HURTING is bad in a bundle of ways :(

It might not be obvious to you, but your partner should actually give a shit when you tell him the way he interacts with you makes you upset.

Going back to the overall negativity: I used to suffer from this. It was 100% due to my upbringing (so, of course, I couldn't see it). I was mainly hyper-critical of myself, but it did spill over into the way I dealt with others. Sort of "No-one could be harder on me than I am myself, so I'm allowed to be hard on you." One day, a new boyfriend interrupted me while I was wittering on about all the things I hadn't achieved that day. He said "Good lord, you may as well hang yourself now!" It took me a few moments to realise what he was on about. After that I talked to my friends and discovered I had a reputation for coming out with unwelcome truths at the wrong moment

You could try getting your H to lighten up by using a stockpile of relevant comments (I still collect them; latest on, courtesy of a MNetter: "Who's keeping score?") However, I've got the impression his issue is more deeply-rooted and somewhat more sinister than mine. Just thought it might be worth sharing with you.

Please remember you don't HAVE to put up with endless negativity and stupid rules!

Thank you so much for all your comments guys! I don't suppose he will ever really change about the household stuff and he probably can't alter his turn of phrase much either, but I can try to learn to live with that IF he can get his aggression under control and if he can grasp that while nobody is right all the time, my reality and opinions are valid too.

I totally get it about the future impact on DD, I take that extremely seriously. I will leave quickly if we cannot make progress on these issues, as it will be better for her to leave while she is still young enough not to remember what happened, and obviously before the situation escalates.

Counsellor alas booked up until June so got to find another one (think a man would be better, and there aren't so many male ones around!) but we are at least talking about it each evening at the moment.

clam - haha, yes, actually he DOES have an excellent sense of humour, indeed that was one of the main reasons I married him as I realised here was my chance to marry the only man in Germany who does have one [grins]. I have tried humour on household stuff but it hasn't worked because he thinks the windows etc. are so important, I'm being inappropriately flippant...sigh

Thank you all so much again,
Weissbier
x

He needs some help. Attacking the table with scissors? Not acceptable.

After my divorce, when I moved house to relocate, I removed all the stuff on the walls to pack into boxes. I was shocked at how many chips and holes there were in the plaster/doors which I'd covered with pictures and my ds's drawings.

It kind of brought it home to me that HE had a problem. I wasn't the cause of it. I was just in the line of fire.

Has anyone suggested you read 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft? It describes different types of controlling abusive men and the reasons why they choose to be controlling. You might be interested to read about Mr Right - sounds exactly like your husband. I would read this before you go to counselling with him - I think you will find it enlightening. Don't let him see it though.

But in your situation I wouldn't go to counselling with him - the twisting things around and making everything your fault is likely to fill up the counselling sessions and he'll use them as another reason to blame you for everything.

My soon to be ex has similar traits but without the overt aggression which sounds very scary. I started thinking of him as being like that Harry Enfield character "You don't want to do it like that, you want to do it like this" which made me laugh to myself every time he criticised the way I was doing something.