am I too sensitive?

[Weissbier]

I'm going mad because two things are really making me miserable in my relationship and I don't know if it's me, or him :(

He's not personally mean like "you're fat" or whatever, but it seems like whatever I say, there has to be some sort of opposition or discussion. If I open a window, he tells me it would be better to air the room with them wide open and then shut them again; if I say "let's pick up the prescription at this chemist we're just going past now" he'll say we should go to another (aren't they all the same?). I have to cut the butter a certain way, we're each allowed four coathangers on the coatstand and he comments immediately if I forget and put one on the wrong side. If I'm cooking something he comes and adjusts the pan so it sits better on the flame. One bathroom door should always be shut, the other always open (something to do with humidity and mould, this). I sat down to eat something I'd cooked just for me (he wasn't hungry) the other day and he said "did you remember to salt the water?". Every time I say something related to DD he has to look it up on the internet or speak to a doctor / another parent before believing me. I understand why he would sometimes want to do this but is it a bit weird never to be able to say "OK" or "fine"...? I end up buying things for DD with my own money rather than our joint account to avoid the discussion about why did I buy two dummies, did she need them, what make, he wants to look up on the internet if that was a good make, etc etc etc.

Also, the way he talks to me is driving me crazy. He swears it isn't personal and I'm oversensitive so maybe I am. But practically everything I say is replied to with "that's what you say", "only you say that", "just because you think" or "it's not true, what you say". It's really getting me down. I remarked today that DD always kicks her socks off and will soon be too big for babygros and he said "just because you don't like wearing tights, doesn't mean she can't". But of course it doesn't! Why didn't he just say "she can wear tights"...? I bought her some tights ages ago, they are in her clothes basket...

They are small things and if they happened occasionally I wouldn't even notice but it's constant! Or do I need to get over myself?

When I try to explain to him why I find "that's what you say" etc demoralising he rolls his eyes, says he has no idea how he should say anything so I will be happy and is sarcastic, kicks doors etc. I just can't seem to get it across to him why it upsets me which is making me wonder if I really am crazy?

He's a loving father, supportive of my work and he pulls his weight with DD and I don't want to split up with him over household rules and turns of phrase :( . How can I solve this? I've tried just to ignore it but it doesn't work, every three days I end up in tears with it.

Sorry, bit long, had to get all that off my chest. . I'd be really grateful for advice, including YRBU if that is what I am!!!

"he was really cross, said we shouldn't have to pussy-foot around each other all politely."

And yet when you say something he doesn't like or agree with, he gets "all huffy".

You live in a house where you can't have your own things on the walls, aren't allowed to choose whether windows and doors should be open or closed, and have every little decision you make questioned. It sounds like a prison.

Relationships should be about compromise. At the moment it sounds as though you're doing all the giving while he does all the taking.

I have no idea whether your dh might have AS but even if he has it does not mean that you should be controlled like this.

SJ - he isn't listening to her concerns though. He is dismiising her thoughts and feelings. He doesn't accept he is doing anything wrong. If he won't accept he is making her unhappy then how can they coming to a better understanding? Does that involve the OP changing and him carrying on regardless?

With the obsessive compulsive, don't think it's that either - last night I got up to clean the kitchen and he said "leave that, I'll do it in the morning, can't be arsed with it now but you've worked hard today cleaning both bathrooms looking after DD etc". And, although he's so tidy, he doesn't care about cleaning at all...

Maybe relate...

"At the moment it sounds as though you're doing all the giving while he does all the taking.

I have no idea whether your dh might have AS but even if he has it does not mean that you should be controlled like this."

And coppertop has just said it better than me!

I asked him about give / take and he got all shouty and said there were LOADS of things he let go by and didn't complain about. So I asked him what. So he said, for example, he brings me coffee in the morning, which is very nice of him. Sometimes the coffee cups stayed by the bed. And it turned out he saw this as some kind of not-caring ingratitude on my part, "I bring you coffee and you can't be bothered to clear away the coffee cups".

I hadn't realised it was a kind of deal! Think I'd rather get my own coffee...I clear them away now :(

And he complained DD's toys lay about the sitting room. I clear them all away at the end of the day but he moaned they were out during the day. But we were playing with them, and anyway, it's busy having a baby. I find it easier to clear up once she's in bed.

(to be fair, he puts up with them being around during the day now)

So yet another example of him getting angry because you've said something he doesn't like, yet when you get upset about something you are supposedly "oversensitive".

To state the obvious, it doesn't sound like he respects your thoughts or opinions at all. If that's the case one would have to question whether he respects you. I hope that's not too blunt.

Good god what a nightmare. You deserve a medal. He sounds quite unhinged actually. :(

Weissbier you are definitely not being oversensitive. DH is a bit like this although not nearly so bad and it got to a stage towards the end of last year when I'd simply had enough and said that he either came to counselling with me or I was leaving. I think that was enough to shake him up and we had a long long talk and he has actually been making a real effort and things are a lot better. I'm incredibly laidback but i was actually getting seriously depressed because of his attitude towards me and, like I've said, it wasn't as bad as your situation. It was that feeling that nothing I ever did was right that really got me down.However, when we talked, he was able to understand what I was saying and could see how hurtful his behaviour was. The difference with your DH is that he really doesn't seem to think he's doing anything wrong. That definitely sounds like Aspergers behaviour to me. I do think some sort of relationship counselling could definitely help as it would be interesting to see how he would cope with a 3rd part suggesting to him that he could change some of his behaviour. I know he's not beating you or stopping you from going out or gambling all your money away but I know that this kind of behaviour is hell to live with and will really begin to eat away at your self esteem. I would seriously try to encourage him to come to counselling with you. I really sympathise with you. Good luck.

Upsylazy - yes, you are right. The problem's that he can't see it. He doesn't want to be the one who controls everything, or at least he thinks he doesn't. During one of our previous discussions about all this he said "am I really such a tyrant?". And now he's started to get angry and says I am pushing him into a position of the one who controls everything in the house and he doesn't want to be in it, because I find myself saying things like "may I put this book over here?". Of course, he's right that it is ridiculous I am asking stuff like this, and I can understand why it upsets him. But what he can't see is - if I didn't ask, he'd say "what's this book doing over here?" !!!!!!!!!!

Says none of his previous girlfriends ever said anything about this or how he spoke to them :(

Well, it's pretty clear isn't it, we'd better go to counselling. He did say he was prepared to which is a lot more than many are so fingers crossed it might help. Thank you so much for all the comments, it is so great to be able to talk about it!

I'd better go try and help with someone else's problem now :)

Are you married in secret to my XH

He had rules about everything. They were all reasonable and fair (to him) but I found them impossible to live with.

He made me feel so guilty - he did exactly the sort of stuff you're talking about.

Rules about windows open/shut

Rules about heating on/off/temperature

Rules about water amounts in kettle

Rules about making tea/coffee

Rules about how to drive

Rules about ....

Hope you can get him to go to councelling

Itsnotgoingwell - he hasn't thought of water in the kettle yet! ...

You have my sympathies honestly.

It's hard to live with - and the thing is, my XH couldn't ever see that it was undermining me and critical

Sounds a lot like my 'd' p, his way or the highway!
He gets very shouting if I disagree on anything, even in a constructive way.
Does not take my word for anything (im right 99.9% of the time, but he will use the 0.01% as to why everything I say is shit).
The positioning of pots on the hob - does that as well.
I never do things right, his way is always better, although he will never offer to do it.
5 years I've put up with this shit.

Yip, thats why he's now living in his own place

Lookingfoxy - strangely, it's one of the many reasons that mine is now the XH

I have done a bit of research amongst my friends. As a result of this I have discovered that traits like this are more common amongst engineers, accountants, maths teachers and scientists.

DP is a vet

Mine is a manager, he seems to have got more arsey the better his career has got.

We're still together at the moment, but no longer living together.

I used to tell XH that I wasn't one of the people who worked for him - that's how he used to talk to me

Oh yes, he tried to speak to me like that sometimes, I just told him to shut the f*
up (very good relationship) .

When we first met, it was me in the better job, he used to be in awe of how 'good' a job I had and how clever I was, oh changed days lol

Sounds like my ex boyfriend. He wasn't controlling about household stuff (never lived with him to find out) but never took my word for anything. He would always checked with someone else first, usually older people as well, it was weird. He seemed to really respect older people, even one's who had proven themselves to be ejits. It used to drive me crazy as I would suggest something and he wouldn't be keen but then would speak to someone else about it and then suddenly think it was a great idea.

Also if I ever had a problem and I was just chatting about it he would come up with a solution even though I hadn't asked him to and then would expect me totally to do what he had suggested, never mind if I had my own ideas!

Oh actually I just remembered he was obsessed with the idea of certain doors being closed!

Gosh there's so many of them.
I do get the feeling that dp has no real respect for me.
I do get the feeling that he thinks ALL women are inferior in some way.

oh god OP he sounds AWFUL, like a controlling bully who's gradually trying to wear you down to the point where you're walking on eggshells to keep him happy. Can you really live with him terrorising your DD like this when she gets a bit bigger? Because he will. This is not normal and you are not oversensitive - do you think he's like that at work or with his friends? I doubt it very much.

Honestly, I think you should leave before you have a meltdown and smash one of the misplaced coffee cups over his head

Talked to him last night. I thought we'd got somewhere
but in the morning he was all angry and cold. I can't get
him to see why 'just because you don't like tights doesn't mean...'
is just an unnecessarily unpleasant way to talk to your wife, when you could just say 'why not give her some tights.' He says again and again 'but you said yourself you don't like wearing tights but that doesn't mean DD shouldn't wear them.'

Then, with the window, he went on and on about how throwing all windows open and airing the room, then shutting them all again, was
better because a window constantly open cools down the overall temperature of the building and raises heating costs. I realize that, but I still think it's OK, now and again, to open a window because you feel like an open window. He left for work and then rang me to say he didn't know
how he could take what I'd just said seriously, I should read in a house pamphlet why airing is better. I believe him and I do air the house like he
wants, but it's not about that...

Eventually he said I could decide to open a window
providing I first understood the implications of what
I was doing and for this it is not enough to believe him, I have to read
this little pamphlet...oh, Jesus

And he bashed the table with a knife and then hacked away at the butter
really violently :(

Yip, dp went on like this this whenever his 'authority' was challanged.

Thus my favourite phrase as above 'shut the f* up'.

I hope you told him that was the incorrect way to spread the butter ......

Weissbier

Talking to such an inherently dysfunctional controlling man is a complete and utter waste of time on your part. His behaviour is abusive and designed to drive you actually as if you are feeling quite mad; he is gaslighting you.

When he says to you as well that none of his prevous girlfriends (note the plural form here as well) said anything about this or how he spoke to them I would not believe him. I bet you a crisp £5 note that he did everything he does now with you but they saw sense and got the hell away from him.

A direct question to you - why you are still with him, what are you getting out of this relationship now?.

You call him a loving father, he is patently not and he'll start on any children soon enough. Many women in such abusive relationships write similar to the above when they themselves can say nothing positive about their man.

There is no future for this relationship.

This is also deeply rooted behaviour too so he is unlikely or unwilling to chnage.

What is his parents relationship like?. Very much like yours is now?.