am I too sensitive?

[Weissbier]

I'm going mad because two things are really making me miserable in my relationship and I don't know if it's me, or him :(

He's not personally mean like "you're fat" or whatever, but it seems like whatever I say, there has to be some sort of opposition or discussion. If I open a window, he tells me it would be better to air the room with them wide open and then shut them again; if I say "let's pick up the prescription at this chemist we're just going past now" he'll say we should go to another (aren't they all the same?). I have to cut the butter a certain way, we're each allowed four coathangers on the coatstand and he comments immediately if I forget and put one on the wrong side. If I'm cooking something he comes and adjusts the pan so it sits better on the flame. One bathroom door should always be shut, the other always open (something to do with humidity and mould, this). I sat down to eat something I'd cooked just for me (he wasn't hungry) the other day and he said "did you remember to salt the water?". Every time I say something related to DD he has to look it up on the internet or speak to a doctor / another parent before believing me. I understand why he would sometimes want to do this but is it a bit weird never to be able to say "OK" or "fine"...? I end up buying things for DD with my own money rather than our joint account to avoid the discussion about why did I buy two dummies, did she need them, what make, he wants to look up on the internet if that was a good make, etc etc etc.

Also, the way he talks to me is driving me crazy. He swears it isn't personal and I'm oversensitive so maybe I am. But practically everything I say is replied to with "that's what you say", "only you say that", "just because you think" or "it's not true, what you say". It's really getting me down. I remarked today that DD always kicks her socks off and will soon be too big for babygros and he said "just because you don't like wearing tights, doesn't mean she can't". But of course it doesn't! Why didn't he just say "she can wear tights"...? I bought her some tights ages ago, they are in her clothes basket...

They are small things and if they happened occasionally I wouldn't even notice but it's constant! Or do I need to get over myself?

When I try to explain to him why I find "that's what you say" etc demoralising he rolls his eyes, says he has no idea how he should say anything so I will be happy and is sarcastic, kicks doors etc. I just can't seem to get it across to him why it upsets me which is making me wonder if I really am crazy?

He's a loving father, supportive of my work and he pulls his weight with DD and I don't want to split up with him over household rules and turns of phrase :( . How can I solve this? I've tried just to ignore it but it doesn't work, every three days I end up in tears with it.

Sorry, bit long, had to get all that off my chest. . I'd be really grateful for advice, including YRBU if that is what I am!!!

Just get on with it. for example put some of your pictures int he living room. When he complains simply state. I live here too and walk off as if you are busy.
My DH is nowhere near as bad as yours but can want everything his way but I simply do some things his way and some things mine and when he complains I just say I did that because I wanted to, or thats the way I've always done it or I looked into it and considered it best.If a a grwon man couldn't cope with that I don't think hes livable with

I find his angry aggressive reactions quite worrying - I mean this is the petty, trivial stuff, the minutiae of living together and chores that apparently matters so much to him - and when you challenge him he kicks doors and hits the furniture?!

He should be able to let these things go. These are things that do not matter on any scale: a bit of steam from a steriliser, ffs.

Maybe if you talked it through with another person present, he could see how ridiculous (and controlling) he's being?

I also don't like him appearing to say that previous girlfriends never had a problem, therefore it can't be him it must be you. Sends alarm bells.

Sorry but I agree 100% with Atilla. For these men it is more important to be in control than for YOU to be happy. My ex used to say "why can't you see this is the best way?" and badger and harangue me till I did and my word I had to be happy about being "shown" too. If you were to split I can guarantee in his mind it will be because YOU are unreasonable and can't take criticism.

You are wasting your time talking to this man trying to get him to change - honestly, I tried for almost 20 years of marriage.

Nothing was ever his fault. It was all me.

How I wish I had had Mumsnet then!

He had me convinced I was a psycho nut-job who would never be able to manage on her own.

My XH actually stood outside on the pavement here the other week kicking the kerb because DD had forgotten to bring some stuff - and I was offering to go up for it but that didn't suit him.

I cannot begin to describe to you how much better I feel now that I am not living with that level of micro-management of my environment and the level of control that he exerted.

I'm sorry not to be more positive.

Oh and the prime example I use to show people how totally he always had to be right.

And if you know me in RL and this outs me - please keep quiet!

He ran into the back of a woman at a roundabout.

Me and DC's in the car, he just ploughed on, I was stamping the passenger floor in the car, I shouted slow down.

He ran right slap bang into the back of her.

But it was HER fault.

The roundabout was clear.

I said but maybe she was looking

He said (and I quote) "But I had looked for her and I could see the road was clear. She should've got out of my way"

And to this day if you ask him about the day he rear ended the woman in the car at the roundabout he will say it was her fault because she didn't get out of his way when he had looked and the road was clear.

This would almost be funny if it were not so sinister. Have you seen the Julia Roberts film, "Living with the enemy?" I'm not suggesting he's a wife beater, but some of the controlling OCD behaviour? Oh dear God.

And perhaps tell him "IT'S NOT ABOUT THE SODDING WINDOW!!" And that just because other people haven't said anything to him about it does NOT mean they haven't thought it weird.

Yep. My DH is exactly the same. In fact, I have nicknamed him Monsieur Non because whatever I suggest he says "no". And however I do something, he's got a better way. Even if it's something he knows fuck all about, like cooking. If I open a window, he closes it. If I switch a light off, he'll switch it on again. Also, he does nothing around the house, but will go around the house at the weekend going "oh yuck!" to everything, like bits of food in the dishwasher that you can only see if you put your head right inside it.

I really love my DH but these things drive me crazy. So no, you are not being over-sensitive.

itisnotgoingwelltoday So it didn't occur to him that SHE needed to look and decide for herself when to pull away! I hope he didn't win when it all went to the insurance (a petty thing I know but it's the first thing that popped into my head)

My DH made the mistake of offering me one too many little "tips" in the kitchen. Result: he now does all the cooking.
But then there are other things he couldn't give a toss about. I pranged his car 2 days after it came out of the repair shop and he didn't bat an eyelid. I left the gas on a tad too high under the potatoes and he'd tut to high heaven.

oh gosh Clam, sleeping with the enemy is so chilling

I would suggest that his ex girlfriends never pointed it out because it was a lost cause but maybe thats possibly why they are now...ex

Wrong thread, plop!

No he didn't win on the insurance but no plopp, he had looked for her and she should've moved.

And yes I know it's ridiculous but trying to argue with him was and is like doing battle with a steam roller.

He just cannot see it.

Oh and he used to tell me how to cook (he can't at all - his mother now sends food parcels), how to do the laundry (he can't work a washing machine either his mother does that too and has ruined loads of the kids clothes coz she washes everything at about 500 degrees ) and he used to tell me how to stack the dishwasher.

You will note, he did not stack the dishwasher, but he would open it, look, and then call me over to instruct me in proper dishwasher stacking.

Oops yes. Sleeping not living.

OP I can't imagine having everything I do questioned (now I mean, not years ago with the ex as that's a distant menory) it must be really wearing you down! How long have you been together?

I must say that my DH and I never discuss how to open windows, that would drive me crazy. The only thing he complains about is the way I stack washing up in the sink as he always thinks I've done it dangerously with towers and big plates balanced on tiny glasses and things. But think he's probably got a point.

Sorry plop! Missed your earlier post. This is moving too fast for me.

He said "put some of your pictures up then! It makes me want to vomit, family photos in the sitting room, everyone does that! But put them up if they're so important to you!"

bronze maybe I should do that! Problem is I don't feel like putting them up after hearing pictures of our gorgeous baby in the living room make him "want to vomit"!!!!!! Then I want them in my office where I can enjoy looking at them. The whole reason I convinced him to let me have my office in what should really be a broom cupboard is so I could have 2 square metres where I could do what I want. He agreed "so he could shut the door on the mess" (fair enough - true) and then once set up with a little plank of wood made into a computer table and so on, it works great - he decided HE needs an office for his papers. I already gave him one of my wardrobe cupboards because I had the space, but now he wants a place where he can store all the household files together. So he has ordered...a handmade bureau for the living room that costs ?1600. He is not paying for it with his own money, this is coming from our joint money because it is partly to store joint documents (he tried to put all his folders in my office and there honestly isn't space for them all, although I said I could take the household ones). I don't mind this in itself (thought it was funny) but when you add it all together...

I'm not sure about the former girlfriends - he is on good terms with at least 2 of them so it can't be all bad.

shimmery yes of course it would, if I left...you are right. He cannot get past the fact that, as he is right, why on earth does it bother me, why indeed am I not pleased. On previous discussions he has said re: household "why can't you try to take these suggestions constructively?". I said to him last night, I mean this talk constructively, I want to try and communicate about something that upsets me so we can try and find a solution. He said "but there's nothing constructive about what you're saying!" and gouged into the dining table with some scissors.

I could never say "it's just a bit of steam" because he would go on about humidity levels and do I realise black mould is carcinogenic - he is obsessed with mould.

I hear what you are all saying. The reason I want(ed) to make it work is a) we used to jog along fine and have fun together and b) we have an absolutely perfectly gorgeous baby daughter and all I want to do is be with her and for her to have good parents. I had great parents and it makes such a difference...

clam you confused me for a minute there!

My ex used to love linking it to the safety and well being of the dc eg if you open that window the kids might fall out, don't you care about your kids? Why are you stir frying on the front ring? Move it to the back, don't you care if your kids get burned? I am STOOD there ffs! Still in pyjamas at 10.00 am? Poor kids still in their sloppy pyjamas at this time, they must be sooooooo uncomfortable. Dear god how I didn't knock his block I will never know looking back now.

The end result always was if I didn't do it his way it was because I didn't care about my kids. Win win for him every time.

He might be friendly with them but they may still be thinking that he is "well weird" and that they had a lucky escape!

Shimmery - that's exactly what my DP said at the weekend about my ex.

He is still controlling me through the kids.

OP - you know that in a normal, healthy, equal relationship you would have equal rights to decide what happened in the house? Half the time he would compromise, half the time he would compromise.

And what sort of message are you sending to your daughter if you live with a man who undermines you and talks to you and treats you like this?

What about when your daughter is bigger and you have to discipline her? Will you be allowed to make those decisions by yourself?

I don't think someone who kicks doors and gouges furniture when they're pissed off is necessarily a good example to have in a small child's life.

What's his reaction going to be when your daughter's older and leaves her toys where she shouldn't and doesn't put things back?

Am I really evil because I would be tempted to find a few things I wanted to do. Do some research to back them up. And then do them so when he starts off Iw ould say, oh but I checke dit out and look theres all this research that says its the best thing.

If he didnt get the message after a few times it might be time to call it quits

OP he sounds very like my ex. I often wondered whether my ex had Aspergers or similar but now that I'm not with him any more I can see that he was just a controlling prick.

The bad news is that he will never change. The good news is that you don't have to put up with it.