On the verge of splittin up - Am I mad or confused!?

[Montessorisam]

Hi there,

I need advice please - and lots of it!

I am married with 3 kids. For years me and husband have pretty much disliked each other intensly (I am being diplomatic here too)

We have argued constantly for a long time. I am bloody drained with it all. I quite often feel that I hate him.

I feel that there isn't a great deal of respect for anything that I do. For instance, I started a 25 hour week job in Jan which I love. He has made me feel that if he takes the kids to school whilst I work then it is a favour and he is helping me out! He told me that my getting the job has made life harder and I should have 'got a job in Tesco stacking shelves at night' I am a Montessori Nursery Teacher. Needless to say he doesn't do any housework and would live in a pigsty. So, the housework, ironing, etc falls to me too.

On Sundays he stays in bed til late. On Saturdays he works. I never get a lie-in and am exhausted. I hardly ever get a break from the kids.

He has run a business for 3 years and been totally focused on that. For our 3rd sons birth he took 4 days off work and then he pretty much left me to it all for a year and half. This included sleeping in a different room so that he wouldn't be woken at night. I would often tell him that I wasn't coping very well and I struggeld a lot. His answer to these situations is to 'stop moaning'. I feel that I have to put up and shut up. If I try to explain how I feel I am not heard.

Anything that I say and do is critisised. He re-inforces arguments of the past by constantly referring back to them. He tells me that I will 'never be happy', that I moan all the time, that I talk shit. I get frustrated and upset at times when I try to talk to him and he sneers at me and tells me 'to just take a look at yourself'. Added to this he drinks a bottle of wine every night which makes him unable to move in the morning until a stick of dynamite is thrown in the bed with him. Or I ask him to get up and help me which can take up to half an hour.

I have decided to stop taking the shit and demand a little respect from him. I am no longer standing for the critisism. I am no longer standing for it when he lays in bed til 8am and I am charging around trying to get 3 kids ready, breakfasted, etc. I have told him to leave and now I feel that I am no longer treading on egg shells in case of an argument and doing and saying exactly what I want.

I feel liberated but wondering if I have gone a bit mad?! How the heck do I think that I am going to cope with a 25 hour week job, 3 kids. He does 4 morning drop offs at school - I take our 22 month old to work with me and he looks after our youngest on a Tuesday. Should I be grateful and happy that he is helping that much and 'shut up and put up'? In order to have a working life, which stimulates me and puts an end to home life drudgery, do I have to be bloody eternally grateful that he does his bit? Shouldn't he be doing his bit anyway as they are his kids too??

The kids are getting sick of our arguing and I have tried to explain to them tonight that mummy and daddy are not friends at the moment (they are 6 and 9). I promised them that I would stop getting cross if daddy says something that annoys me and will go to another room for a few minutes if I feel like shouting.

I do not want to live with him anymore and will feel happier, less confused, less blamed, and free if he leaves! I do not feel that we have a future togther. We never do anything with each other. He has no hobbies or interests apart from his nightly drinking. Over the last couple of years he has become bitter, distant, cold and nasty. Should I shut up and put up just so that I can keep our family togther and so that I can continue to work and provide too?

You'll probably find you have more time when he goes. Read 'Wifework' by Susan Maushart and you'll see why. You'll also be happier and less stressed.

Sunds like you've lost all respect and love for eachother. But, you must have been in love to have married and had 3 children together.
Have you tried councilling ?

I think in some ways a lot of what you seem to be arguing about are very typical things when you have young children, they bring with them very unique stresses and strains. However this diesn't mean that you should put up with someone being vile towards you...

Do you feel his behaviour has changed in recent years? When was the last time you felt good together? I'm wondering if he is maybe depressed himself if you say he has a lack of motivation etc...

Would you consider counselling? It sounds like communication is really difficult between you and this might be something that could help?

No advice really, I think if you know this feels right then maybe it is. Yes it will throw up complications logistically but all these things can be got round one way or another.

You know the answer already don't you? It will be hard work logistically but you'll be fine.

I work full time and get no real help from my stb ex-h. My kids are 4 and 5 and the little on has special needs.

EVERYONE that knows me cannot believe how I have completely turned my life around in the 2 years we have been separated. I feel the best I ever have.

All you need to ask yourself is how will you feel listening to the same old crap, resentful and unappreciated 5 years hence, 10 years hence.

I had a moment of clarity like the ghost of Christmas future came to visit and something inside me just went NOOOOOOOOOoooo

I was ready to do anything to get the hell out of there..

His drinking sounds out of control. He needs to address that asap or nothing else has a hope in hell of ever changing.

Elephant in the room, though: his drinking. That's going to be a big part of the problem, that he drinks a lot too much so is either pissed or hungover instead of pulling his weight.
But that's another good reaon for getting rid of him, of course.

The emotional abuse you are being subjected to is unacceptable. Is your DH aware of how bad it is?

You are not mad or confused.
Angry, yes, and rightfully so.

Nice for you about the job. Hang on to it. That is you existing. Imho, your Dh, in the bottle, doesn't really see much of anything-especially that you exist. And that the dc exist, too.

Ball and chain somehow comes to mind. It isn't you, it's him.

I felt very sad when I read this as it sounds like he is having an awful time too and that neither of you can put their finger on why things are so awful and are each retreating into yourselves and working really hard in different directions to make things better - without realising that this is also making things worth - him working so hard he is obviously nearly at burnout and can only release by drinking, you similarly at burnout with your only thoughts about him leaving. I have some sympathies for him as a bottle every night and only half a sunday to try to become yourself again is never going to work and because he never becomes himself - you are working 7 days and never becoming yourself again. If I were your boss and this was all considered work I would give you both a minimum of four weeks off with a massage a day for the first week and a childminder to sort the kids out.

You both sound emotionally exhausted - and this is very close to both mad and confused and will pitch you against each other - well done for realising For the life of me I don't know how I would deal with this if I were you, but I do know that something needs to be realised. I wish that there were compulsory couples counselling and a management programme for modern relationships.. I really do.

I know I haven't offered a real solution, but my thoughts are with you. This sounds awful at the moment - but I am sure there are better times ahead - just don't leave it until retirement.

Ask the 6 and 9 year olds what they think you should do to become real mummy and daddy - their answers will surprise you.

Having read that post what possible reason could you have to stay with him?

No you are not mad, just very tired and fed up and in need of a change.

You will probably find that it is easier without your H because:
you can organise things how you want;
you won't have any expectation of help (unmet expectations are very draining in their own right because they lead to resentment);
there won't be any emotionally draining arguments;
the children will be calmer and hopefully easier to manage (although that's not a given);
he won't be adding to your workload via washing, tidying etc.

When you find that your strength is no longer being sapped by the hideous atmosphere in your house, you'll be amazed at how much stronger you feel. Good luck! And no, you have no need to feel "grateful" to this mannerless oik who has beaten you into the ground emotionally for the last several years. They ARE his children too and he SHOULD do stuff for them because he is their FATHER.

Thank you so much for your messages. You have all hit the nail on the head in different ways!

His drinking is a problem. We both know that. He will not do anything about it though.

I KNOW that I will find life emotionally easier without him cos I won't be dealing with his rubbish and won't be afraid to open my mouth.

HEROINE - You are right - we are emotionally exhausted. And we haven't been ourselves for a good couple of years now. Unfortunately I have treid and tried to find remedies to this - tried to book little breaks away for us and him alone but he refuses to go or we argue so badly before that I end up going with a friend! I booked tickets for the Grand National for him and a friend last year and they ended up in the bin cos he refused to take a day off on the Saturday to go! What hope is there for me?

I have suggested that we move to a different area as he blames me that we live here in teh countryside. I love the space and greenery and he hates it all! He doesn't know where he wants to live so we stay stuck.

I have suggested that he employ staff to work with him and give him the odd Saturday off. He employed a beautiful young woman and is now giving her half his shop as her photographic studion FOR FREE!! And he doesn't take Saturdays off - he works alongside her!! Should I be pissed off about this? Well I am a bit cos that feels like an extra kick in the teeth - giving time and energy to someone else who shares a passion for what he does and not giving time and energy to his family! He just spitefully says that I am acting crazy or jealous if I say anything about this situation!

And the huge one is - and please don't judge me here - I had an abortion in November as we couldn't possibly have a fourth baby. Please do not judge me on this and if this offends you then do not reply. The pregnancy was a complete accident and we were both shocked. I sobbed for days. He offered me nothing - no support, he took one day off to look after our youngest and then went back to work. I was left to deal with it all and the kids alone. That has been the coffin nail for me. I am still so upset by it all and can't let that one go. If he had been supportive and if I felt that we had a future togther I would have had the baby and we would have struggled financially and it would have been hard but I would have managed. I was offered my present job three days later and somehow managed to blunder my way through the last couple of months. Since then I have felt exhausted and terrible.

Sam it really is time to go, I think you know that in your heart. You can't always have a fairytale charmed life but you can always make the best of what you've got and what you've got in terms of 3 lovely children, a job you like, a local are you are happy in etc. has a lot more potential than you are currently able to unlock.

He actually sounds like he hates you.

*local area

Oh lovey, so :( that you had to do that. It's not what most people would want to do but I can totally understand your reasoning for it. UnMNly ((hugs)) for that.

your H does appear to as good as hate you, as underachieving said - and I wouldn't be remotely surprised if there is something going on with the girl at work. Almost certain that there is, tbh - the "crazy or jealous" remark is a pretty strong hint of it.

He sounds like a complete fucking git, actually - and you need to get rid of him completely.

You said you have asked him to leave - has he actually left? please get him out before he completely destroys you with his lack of care.

Yes things have clearly got to change, and of course the flatulent, kneejerk MN response is 'chuck him out', but just step back.

It is quite possible he is depressed and/or stressed. He has been working solidly for three years to build up a business. It has clearly taken its toll on his health (if he's drinking a bottle of wine a night), his children and his marriage. Difficulty in getting up to face the day for example is a clear sign of depression. He may need serious help, but he may be helpable.

Explore this possibility first before doing what a bunch of anonymous, thoughtless MN keyboard warriors suggest from the safety of their computers.

You loved your husband once, he may simply need your help. It's possible that he has simply worked his way into the ground for his family, and is feeling a little unappreciated by being constantly told he is a failure at home and needs to do (even) more.

Bloody hell, no way should you put you and shut up.

Ask him if you are doing him a favour when you do the school run. Cheeky fucker.

Don't even think about flaming thumbwitch for that comment, you deserved it.

i echo thumbwitch.

OP, I think your husband is shagging the hired help, sorry

Quite apart from that though (although it is more than enough to finish your relationship) he sounds like a shit who doesn't care very much about anyone but himself

ignore jim , it seems he thinks everyone should bow to the mighty cock, and that women don't feel exhausted and undervalued too (and also that they don't bear up too well when their H prefers to spend time away from home with a perter pair of tits)

if he won't address his drinking, and is in denial, there is not actually a lot you can do to stop him destroying his marriage

Well you're stupid as well then...

This is a real person's marriage for goodness sake. You've heard one side of the story, what possible right do you have to advise someone to end their marriage?

You need to grow up.

< parp >

Yes, take marriage advice from someone who thinks Peter Andre would make a good Prime Minister.

Jesus.

I told him to leave last week and he gives many excuses - no money, no where to go, would miss the kids, etc.

I have asked him over the last week if he has found anywhere yet. He says no.

I told him that I do not care where he goes as long as it is away from me. He then started bringing the kids into it and telling me that I should go and fetch them and tell them then. I don't see that they need to be told until it is happening do you?

When he calls me crazy and sneers at what I say to him it makes me feel like maybe it is all me. Like I am mad for being jealous, or mad for needing to mop teh kitchen floor cos it's a mess (yes, he actually told me last night that this was the reason we were so fucked up - cos I can't relax) I believe that this is all manipulative. Does it sound like that to you?

Here is an example - When I had just had our 3rd baby he got 3 points for speeding (39mph in a 30mph) He asked me to take the points as he already had some on his license. I refused and said I didn't want to as it was illegal! He bullied me, refused to talk to me, shouted at me til eventually I took them for a bit of peace. When I told him that he was bullying me he laughed and said he wasn't and made me sound like I was the idiot.

Bearing in mind that I was struggling at this time with the birth of our 3rd. I think I was suffering from a bit of PND as I didn't feel at all well. He also said that PND was just made up and was bullshit (or words to that effect) Again, I felt very much alone at this point. I didn't go to the doctors but I should have done in hindsight. I was also working as a childminder but he never ackowledged that and told me that I should get a job! ironically now that I am working he says that i have made his life harder. No wonder I am confused.

With regards to the woman at work - I think that something could happen. I don't know. I guess some of it is in my head. Why be so bloody nice to someone else though and shitty to me?

His take on the breakdown of our marriage is this - that I can't relax. what he is refering to is my keeping a clean home (no I a not OCD), taking the kids out on the weekend before 11am. (If I don't they start bouncing off the walls) He blames me for where we live, for not having any money (we sold our house 4 years ago and worked around teh world. His words on this of late are that 'I fleeced him'), He blames me for not having any friends (He slowly drifted away from them as kids were born, people moved away, etc) blames me for not going out (he drinks indoors, no energy, no get up and go - apart from where his business is concerned)

How does this all seem to you? Am I mad or is he an asshole?