On the verge of splittin up - Am I mad or confused!?

[Montessorisam]

Hi there,

I need advice please - and lots of it!

I am married with 3 kids. For years me and husband have pretty much disliked each other intensly (I am being diplomatic here too)

We have argued constantly for a long time. I am bloody drained with it all. I quite often feel that I hate him.

I feel that there isn't a great deal of respect for anything that I do. For instance, I started a 25 hour week job in Jan which I love. He has made me feel that if he takes the kids to school whilst I work then it is a favour and he is helping me out! He told me that my getting the job has made life harder and I should have 'got a job in Tesco stacking shelves at night' I am a Montessori Nursery Teacher. Needless to say he doesn't do any housework and would live in a pigsty. So, the housework, ironing, etc falls to me too.

On Sundays he stays in bed til late. On Saturdays he works. I never get a lie-in and am exhausted. I hardly ever get a break from the kids.

He has run a business for 3 years and been totally focused on that. For our 3rd sons birth he took 4 days off work and then he pretty much left me to it all for a year and half. This included sleeping in a different room so that he wouldn't be woken at night. I would often tell him that I wasn't coping very well and I struggeld a lot. His answer to these situations is to 'stop moaning'. I feel that I have to put up and shut up. If I try to explain how I feel I am not heard.

Anything that I say and do is critisised. He re-inforces arguments of the past by constantly referring back to them. He tells me that I will 'never be happy', that I moan all the time, that I talk shit. I get frustrated and upset at times when I try to talk to him and he sneers at me and tells me 'to just take a look at yourself'. Added to this he drinks a bottle of wine every night which makes him unable to move in the morning until a stick of dynamite is thrown in the bed with him. Or I ask him to get up and help me which can take up to half an hour.

I have decided to stop taking the shit and demand a little respect from him. I am no longer standing for the critisism. I am no longer standing for it when he lays in bed til 8am and I am charging around trying to get 3 kids ready, breakfasted, etc. I have told him to leave and now I feel that I am no longer treading on egg shells in case of an argument and doing and saying exactly what I want.

I feel liberated but wondering if I have gone a bit mad?! How the heck do I think that I am going to cope with a 25 hour week job, 3 kids. He does 4 morning drop offs at school - I take our 22 month old to work with me and he looks after our youngest on a Tuesday. Should I be grateful and happy that he is helping that much and 'shut up and put up'? In order to have a working life, which stimulates me and puts an end to home life drudgery, do I have to be bloody eternally grateful that he does his bit? Shouldn't he be doing his bit anyway as they are his kids too??

The kids are getting sick of our arguing and I have tried to explain to them tonight that mummy and daddy are not friends at the moment (they are 6 and 9). I promised them that I would stop getting cross if daddy says something that annoys me and will go to another room for a few minutes if I feel like shouting.

I do not want to live with him anymore and will feel happier, less confused, less blamed, and free if he leaves! I do not feel that we have a future togther. We never do anything with each other. He has no hobbies or interests apart from his nightly drinking. Over the last couple of years he has become bitter, distant, cold and nasty. Should I shut up and put up just so that I can keep our family togther and so that I can continue to work and provide too?

Or JimsTits....

UA - don't think it's the same guy - if you were referring to my xh - although my xh does also have a love affair with Thailand - as I know yours does. He told me it's the only place he got respect

ebbandflow No but then I don't understand why a man would stick with a woman with alcohol issues either.

ebbandflow - frequently because their father or someone in their family has had alcohol problems as well, so it's familiar and linked to loving the person.

I'm all for standing by your man and helping him through his problems, just as I would hope to be stood by through mine. The key word there, though, is help. If he were fighting alcoholism and you were standing right behind him with encouragement and a hot cup of tea, ready to mind the kids while he goes to AA, fabulous. Getting married means signing up for the mutual support thing even if it is a hard slog at times. But the situation described is not mutual. You don't describe someone who is in the least bit interested in getting through his problems, with or without your support, and sure as hell isn't interested in your problems. Indeed he seems to embrace idleness, rudeness and heavy drinking. He makes a virtue of them and a vice of your hard work. (Disgusted that he so insulted the useful job you are doing.) Every sign is that he wants you to carry on picking up the slack and taking the blame. You're not even doing him any favours, let alone yourself, by letting this continue. He won't let you help him up. He'd rather drag you down.

Would you throw a drowning man a lifebelt? I hope so. Would you keep holding on to your end of the rope while he floundered, even at some risk to yourself? Quite possibly. But you'd be bloody mad to hang on if, instead of trying to climb into the boat, he kept trying to pull you overboard.

One of the best things about MN is the amount of support advice and encouragement it gives women to throw shitty, selfish abusive men out of their lives.

When the rest of the world is telling women to suck it up, work at the marriage, try harder, open their legs more, never disagree with him, think of the children and continually reinforcing the message that no matter how badly a man behaves you have to do your best to keep him otherwise you are a failure, MN is an invaluable resource as it's full of women who remind desperate posters that they are human beings, that their feelings matter, and that it's perfectly OK not to love or desire a man who makes no contribution to the household apart from cash and spends the rest of his time mistreating the rest of the family, ignoring them or creating stress for them.

Hear hear, SGB.

Hi

I think being reminded that we are human beings with real feelings that matter is vital!

When you are constantly told, as I was again last night, that he has 'heard for nine years that you are tired and can't cope' but H doesn't really hear it and help. Or hear it and DO ANYTHING AT ALL apart from say tough shit. Well, it is dis-regarding feelings, pain, exhaustion. It is saying put up and shut up when you are on your knees trying to cope with the kids.

when you make a phone call and ask nicely 'hey, I have been battling to put a fucking xmas tree into a pot and make it fit for around 4 hours now. The house looks like a forest, there is soil everywhere and the tree is much bigger than me. Can you come home slightly earlier than the usual 10pm to help?' DH answers 'you want me to leave work to put a fucking tree into a pot? Are you mad'? Answer. 'well yeah, I am a bit mad cos you have done FUCK ALL ELSE to do with xmas!!!' Sorry, just an example of how a seperating couples conversations have gone for around 1 year. Wow how draining to be made to look so small for so long.

But well, the men provide some cash eh, so do we have to bow down to them and be forever grateful? Do we fuck. We go out and earn our own cash AND take care of the kids. AFter all, multi - tasking is what we are great at!!!! Wow, I think that I just re-discovered myself and he is not even gone yet!X

And yes, if he did want to help himself with his drink problem then I would be there to help him too. But he does not want to change the way he lives at all. Believe me I have tried during the last two years.X

Montessori - liking the new strong you! Good on you - hope you manage to get rid of the extra burden as soon as you can so you can start living your life as a human being with your own respect and feelings and all the rest of it.

And back to the main point - no you are not mad or confused - you are a very brave and bright lady who has finally Had Enough of being taken for a ride by this energy vampire.