Hi there,
I need advice please - and lots of it!
I am married with 3 kids. For years me and husband have pretty much disliked each other intensly (I am being diplomatic here too)
We have argued constantly for a long time. I am bloody drained with it all. I quite often feel that I hate him.
I feel that there isn't a great deal of respect for anything that I do. For instance, I started a 25 hour week job in Jan which I love. He has made me feel that if he takes the kids to school whilst I work then it is a favour and he is helping me out! He told me that my getting the job has made life harder and I should have 'got a job in Tesco stacking shelves at night' I am a Montessori Nursery Teacher. Needless to say he doesn't do any housework and would live in a pigsty. So, the housework, ironing, etc falls to me too.
On Sundays he stays in bed til late. On Saturdays he works. I never get a lie-in and am exhausted. I hardly ever get a break from the kids.
He has run a business for 3 years and been totally focused on that. For our 3rd sons birth he took 4 days off work and then he pretty much left me to it all for a year and half. This included sleeping in a different room so that he wouldn't be woken at night. I would often tell him that I wasn't coping very well and I struggeld a lot. His answer to these situations is to 'stop moaning'. I feel that I have to put up and shut up. If I try to explain how I feel I am not heard.
Anything that I say and do is critisised. He re-inforces arguments of the past by constantly referring back to them. He tells me that I will 'never be happy', that I moan all the time, that I talk shit. I get frustrated and upset at times when I try to talk to him and he sneers at me and tells me 'to just take a look at yourself'. Added to this he drinks a bottle of wine every night which makes him unable to move in the morning until a stick of dynamite is thrown in the bed with him. Or I ask him to get up and help me which can take up to half an hour.
I have decided to stop taking the shit and demand a little respect from him. I am no longer standing for the critisism. I am no longer standing for it when he lays in bed til 8am and I am charging around trying to get 3 kids ready, breakfasted, etc. I have told him to leave and now I feel that I am no longer treading on egg shells in case of an argument and doing and saying exactly what I want.
I feel liberated but wondering if I have gone a bit mad?! How the heck do I think that I am going to cope with a 25 hour week job, 3 kids. He does 4 morning drop offs at school - I take our 22 month old to work with me and he looks after our youngest on a Tuesday. Should I be grateful and happy that he is helping that much and 'shut up and put up'? In order to have a working life, which stimulates me and puts an end to home life drudgery, do I have to be bloody eternally grateful that he does his bit? Shouldn't he be doing his bit anyway as they are his kids too??
The kids are getting sick of our arguing and I have tried to explain to them tonight that mummy and daddy are not friends at the moment (they are 6 and 9). I promised them that I would stop getting cross if daddy says something that annoys me and will go to another room for a few minutes if I feel like shouting.
I do not want to live with him anymore and will feel happier, less confused, less blamed, and free if he leaves! I do not feel that we have a future togther. We never do anything with each other. He has no hobbies or interests apart from his nightly drinking. Over the last couple of years he has become bitter, distant, cold and nasty. Should I shut up and put up just so that I can keep our family togther and so that I can continue to work and provide too?