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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help, my narsissitic Mother is hinting at coming to live with me..............

121 replies

DrNortherner · 09/03/2011 19:51

Wonderful Dad died in April 2009. Mother been a pain in the arse since, with out going into huge detail.

Anyway, she is saying she is unsettled living alone in the house her and my Dad shared. She wants to move. The area is detoriating and she is scared.

Her house is ex council, and not worth enough for her to buy another property, so she is telling me she is considering housing association and using her money to pay the rent. She currently lives mortgage free. I know she is calling my bluff, and testing me by saying this hoping I will say come and live with me in the hope I don't want her to spend my inheritance. So, I am going along with her suggestions and offering to help her, even offering to arrange house valuation.

She mentioned tonight that a friend has been asking why she isn't coming to live with me Hmm

Dh says to nip this in the bud now and tell her hell will freeze over before she moves in here.

Either way, she is upset and was crying on the phone again

OP posts:
judgejudie · 09/03/2011 19:55

you sound selfish

Original poster
DrNortherner · 09/03/2011 19:56

Yeah, thanks for that Hmm

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 09/03/2011 19:58

I totally see where you are coming from- I completely agree with your husband. It would just make everybody miserable. Don't be guilt-tripped into anything, but call her bluff and help her view some places if you feel you shouid.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 09/03/2011 20:00

My mum isn't a PITA, and she and I could not live together, so I see where you're coming from too, OP. Maybe that makes me a selfish bitch, who knows? Anyway, yes, support her in selling her place and finding somewhere else, but don't let her move in.

BluddyMoFo · 09/03/2011 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GlynisIsFixed · 09/03/2011 20:02

i totally agree with your DH

how can you invite someone to share your home purely on the basis that you feel sorry for them?

support her in seeking out alternatives, but understanding a little about narcissistic parents, don't be surprised if she rejects them all Sad

twolittlemonkeys · 09/03/2011 20:04

I don't think you're selfish not wanting your mother to live with you - that would put a strain on most relationships. I don't know what to suggest. Just be very helpful wrt her house selling stuff, offer to help her find a new place etc. I don't know what you could say to nip it in the bud without sounding really hurtful though, so would go with the easier(?) option of avoiding it, unless she asks you, then you'll have to be brutal and tell her that the needs of your immediate family have to come first and it would put a strain on your family.

It is draining having a family member pinning expectations on you like that though. :( for you (and your mum too as I expect she is still grieving, which is why she is being a bit needy) There are many ways to help make her life easier without having her live with you.

beachholiday · 09/03/2011 20:05

I dont think OP sounds selfish at all.

It sounds like there is an awful lot of background.

Maybe continue to go along with what she says she wants to do - ie offering to help as you have been doing. But be careful not to take it a step further at any time (eg dont arrange house valuation or offer to again unless she specifically asks).

That way there is no ammunition against you - you cant be accused of "pressuring" her or "forcing" her to sell.

It is very draining to be manipulated. Sorry about the loss of your father. Take care of yourself.

Snorbs · 09/03/2011 20:05

That's got to be tough to deal with. I'm assuming that as you say she's narcissistic there's no way you'd ever consider having her under your roof. Is she hinting at this because you've got a spare room?

There are several ways of dealing with the whole "Oh, my friend asked me why I can't live with you " game-playing.

My favourite is to completely ignore the hints. Pretend to simply take everything at face value - in this case, if you ignore the hints all she's doing is imparting a bit of information about what a friend has said. It requires no response from you other than "Uh-huh".

Another is the broken-record technique. "It won't be possible for you to live with us" repeated as often as necessary.

And, finally, there's the old adage about "No" being a complete sentence.

Original poster
DrNortherner · 09/03/2011 20:08

Well you see my Mum is so helpless there is no way she could arrange a house sale and move without my input. She is sending me her census form as she doesn't understand it and she asked me to cut her toenails after dad died because he used to do it for her. So, we are not talking about your average Mother here.

So judgejudie (rather apt name) you do not know enough about me, or my mother to tell me I sound selfish.

OP posts:
Scaredycat3000 · 09/03/2011 20:08

I agree, nip it in the bud now. There will be tears and tantrums from her. But just remind yourself what it will be like every minute of every day if she gets her way. And then her behaviour will get worse after she feels you can't get rid of her. I mean happiness or inheritance? Really not a hard one in my head.

Original poster
DrNortherner · 09/03/2011 20:11

Yes we have a spare room.

She hinted at it in the early days after Dad died. And now it's popped back up again. She flits from a serious conversation to saying "Janet next doors got 2 new dogs Confused simply because she does not like the way I am taking the conversation.

Agree that if I push, she will accuse me of pressuirising her. It is a tricky one.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 09/03/2011 20:12

We also dont know enough to know if your mother is being "narc" either.

Would your husband be so forthright if it was HIS mother who was recently widowed and feeling very lonely?

You actually do come across, from what you have posted, as being rather callous.

This is YOUR mother. Is there a back story that we should be aware of.

Original poster
DrNortherner · 09/03/2011 20:13

Another story she likes telling me atm is about an old boyfriend of mine who has just moved to Oxford and his Mum has gone to live with them so she won't be on her own.....

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 09/03/2011 20:14

There is a long back-story, yes, that lots of posters will be aware of. DrNortherner must be one of the most patient, least selfish people on mumsnet.

hairylights · 09/03/2011 20:14

Nip it in the bud. You aren't responsible for her and you aren't selfish or callous. She's a grown woman, you are a grown woman, you have no duty to take her in, she has her own home.

squeakytoy · 09/03/2011 20:16

Apologies then, but obviously I am not aware of the back story, and simply posting based on what I am reading on this thread. :(

Original poster
DrNortherner · 09/03/2011 20:17

Is squeakytoy judge judy?

Bitoffun - that is such a lovely thing to say. Thankyou Smile

OP posts:
ongakgak · 09/03/2011 20:17

Would you be Ok if she moved nearer to you in a little flat or into some sort of retirement complex? A short walk from you, or would that be too much?

FannyFifer · 09/03/2011 20:19

I think sheltered housing sounds like the best bet.
As for cutting her toenails, seriously? She will have to go to a chiropodist.
You have my sympathies as she sounds rather like my mil who thankfully lives in another country.

therealmrsbeckham · 09/03/2011 20:20

DrNortherner I remember your back story as your mother sounds very similar in character to mine.

To those that think OP is being selfish and callous - hell would freeze over before my mother moved in with me and my family (DP would kill me!)and my DB and Dsis feel the same.

Just because somebody is biologically your mother does not make them a nice person.

OP I agree with your DH nip it in the bud now.

Original poster
DrNortherner · 09/03/2011 20:20

She is currently 80 miles away, and demanding. I worry if she was up the road it would be much worse, because I would be expected to call in on her when ever she wanted it/needed it.

Anyway, she lives in an ex local authority house in Teesside, I live in Harrogate, she simply can not afford to move here.

OP posts:
AmazingBouncingFerret · 09/03/2011 20:21

Northern, I dont think you sound selfish at all.
I have been living with my parents since November and they are perfectly nice, normal people, but it is still hell. I think if it was the other way round it would of been even worse.

Can you not suggest she installs an alarm type thing if she feels afraid?

ongakgak · 09/03/2011 20:21

You cut her toenails! OMG that is so yuk!

Has she got a social life?

beachholiday · 09/03/2011 20:22

I dont think we are being asked if the OP's mother is being narcissistic in her behaviour. I understand it to mean that OP has a mother who is narcissistic/ has a narcissistic personality disorder. It also seems like OP is asking for help in dealing with this (ie being manipulated) rather than "AIBU to say no to my mother.." .No need to give backstory unless you feel like it OP.

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