Help, my narsissitic Mother is hinting at coming to live with me..............

[DrNortherner]

Wonderful Dad died in April 2009. Mother been a pain in the arse since, with out going into huge detail.

Anyway, she is saying she is unsettled living alone in the house her and my Dad shared. She wants to move. The area is detoriating and she is scared.

Her house is ex council, and not worth enough for her to buy another property, so she is telling me she is considering housing association and using her money to pay the rent. She currently lives mortgage free. I know she is calling my bluff, and testing me by saying this hoping I will say come and live with me in the hope I don't want her to spend my inheritance. So, I am going along with her suggestions and offering to help her, even offering to arrange house valuation.

She mentioned tonight that a friend has been asking why she isn't coming to live with me

Dh says to nip this in the bud now and tell her hell will freeze over before she moves in here.

Either way, she is upset and was crying on the phone again

I haven't read all of the replies but just wanted to say I know exactly where you're coming from OP. I am in a similar situation (my mum does not want to live with me right now as she's still young and in good health but does in the future). We have never had a very good relationship and since my Dad hasn't been around it has only got worse.

I just wanted you to know that you are not a bad person for not wanting your Mum encroaching on your life, you are an adult and deserve to live your life how you want to and not be made miserable by an unwanted, permanent houseguest. Be upfront with your Mum and continue to help her improve her situation.

Best of luck!

I don't cut her toenails no. I knew if I did it once it would my job forever so I said no. She didn't like that.

After I suggessted first logical step would be a house valuation she cried saying I didn't understand how big a deal it would be selling the house.....she suggested moving to a flat/bungalow. But I KNOW she suggested this because she wants to live with me.

So, I either go along and call her bluff, which will end in tears as it's not what she wants or I say she is not living with me and that will also end in tears and I will be the terrible, unsupportive daughter.

i htought she had a lot of evening dresses

My mother used to get drunk and keep me up late getting promises I would have her to live with me if she was widowed. Op you are not selfish your mom is a grown woman not a child.

If she wants to spend her money on rent let her. Entirely up to her. Agree with your DH.

I can't stand this kids as old age companion mentality, it's not why you have children.

Well, I don't remember your back story at all, but of course you don't sound selfish! If she hints, can you not say something equally frustrating like 'ah, we both know the answer there'?

It's sad she is lonely but it's pretty clear her coming to live with you would be no solution at all.

urgh. I think you have to learn to not care what your Mum says about you/thinks of you.

It would be insanity to let her move in with you it's a case of offering her what help you are prepared to give and being a stuck record. "Mum I happy to do x y z to help, but that's all I can do"

How about getting her to write a list with 4 sections.

The pros of staying where she is, the cons of staying where she is, the pros of moving nearer to you & the cons of moving.

The pros of moving are not the same as the cons of staying so 4 sections really does help.

Even better send her a piece of paper with the 4 sections and make sure you only put shelter or rented accommodation on - not living with you!

She can then write down what she thinks and can't hold you responsible for her final decision. It will also stop it being a conversation that goes round and round as you can say, write it down, or what have you written down?

ASk her to list down her options of what she wants.

You can brutally go through them with her and cross off living with you. She won't like it but at least then she knows that you are not going to consider it.

I get on well with my mum and I wouldn't have her live with me and my family. It would cause big problems so I can completely understand your predicament, Dr.

I think you should be as helpful as possible as you've already tried. Keep on doing it but if she brings up living with you again simply say, "That isn't possible, I'm afraid. I love you but it wouldn't work. I'd drive you mad and you'd drive me mad." You don't have to carry on talking about it.

She might cry, weep and wail and beat her chest but you are there for her in other ways and that is all you can and should do, given the circumstances. She doesn't need to live with you to have a good and happy life. She can choose to be miserable but that is up to her. Not you.

I'm making a note to myself never to make my dcs feel they even have to think about having me live with them in my dotage.

think you just have to tell her that living with you is not going to happen.

I understand where you're coming from, Dr. My mum was a narcissist and if she were still alive and Dad dead, she would have tried to move in. No bloody way! You do realise if she ever did move in, it would still be your fault that she had to etc etc.

I think it's a good idea to nip in the bud- try not to care what she says about you, in the end, your sanity (and your family's) is the most important consideration.

I think you are already doing a hell of a lot for your mum.

Drnortherner, think very carefully before you invite her to live with you. My mum is here right now. She has a very slow progressing disease - PBC and living on her own, she wasn't eating properly and was as frail as you can imagine. She'd gone down hill really fast and I didn't want her to live her last months out on her own so here she is. That was 18 months ago. She's picked up no end and is in quite good health, apart from serious mobility issues. I'm grateful her health has improved but my life has not. She gives me no space whatsoever and when I'm not at work, I'm in her company. Before she moved here, she used to go to bed at 8.30, she now sits up well past 10 most nights so I don't even get a half an hour to sit and just be quiet and relax in my own living room. She has no friends, no need for friends and does absolutely nothing outside the home unless I take her. I feel like she has all the benefits of my home without making any real financial contribtion and I have lost the peace and solitude that I cherished. Now she's here, she won't go and I wouldn't expect her to but I can tell you, it's not for the faint hearted and I categorically have told my children that I will never do this to them. I won't ever be my mother's carer, she knows that and as I work for a care organisation, I can tap into practical support when the time comes. All I'm trying to say is that even when you have a good relationship with your parents, unless your living accommodation can be designed flexibly to give you some space, you should think things through very, very carefully. Even my grown up children get fed up with having no time with me, without my mum there. Sorry to go on but this touched a nerve this evening. I'd had a shitty day at work and I really just wanted to come home and have a good cry. I ended up driving nearly 60 miles just to be on my own for a couple of hours!

withagoat tis my MIL with the frocks

She made it clear tonight that she did not want to hear solutions, so, next time she drops a hint I will say 'I love you, but we would drive each other mad if we lived together'

I left home at 18 and can not imagine living under the same roof as her again.

A neighbour who is widowed and childless told my Mum last week that she is lucky she has my support to which my Mum replied 'But she lives in Harrogate, I don't have her support' And she told me this story as she was so shocked the neighbour would dare to say such an insensitive thing to her.........

textualhealing sorry your Mum is ill and that you are coping with her in your home. It must be so tough. Like you say, now you have done it there is no going back. My Mum also has very few friends, they all got fed up of her slagging them off and moaning all the time and there is always an ongoing feud between her and one of her sisters. She goes out once week to the local community centre after months and months of me presurising her. But according to her she doesn't enjoy it and they don't make her feel very welcome. My Mum is only 64 but seems much older than her years.

Hi DrNortherner, I remember your back story. My gran was a narc, she sold her house, used all the money to go on round the world cruises, came back with the "sob sob, look I'm skint, you'll have to support me". Got her grandson (my cousin) to move out of his house and live in a tiny flat while she "rented" the house from him for 1p a year and expected my aunt (2 mins down the road) to fetch, carry and look after her for about 10 years.

Was family life hell? Did she make sure it was hell? Oh yes.

Actually my grand dad was still alive during this time but he didn't figure much, it was all about her.

After my aunt nursed grand dad through his fatal cancer granny then insisted she move in with my aunt. It actually got worse, although we did not think it was possible.

Don't let her near you! She'll drain the life out of every last one of you, and she'll still tell people you aren't good enough. That's what narcs do.

"A neighbour who is widowed and childless told my Mum last week that she is lucky she has my support to which my Mum replied 'But she lives in Harrogate, I don't have her support' "

All these things your mum is telling you that other people have said to her: Have you got any particular reason to believe that they're real? Or could they be invented just to encourage you to feel obligated and guilty?

Oh yes they could easily be invented or exagarated to make me feel bad. As a kid I heard her doing it to dad time and time again. Saying someone had said something when in actual fact they hadn't. I know cause I was there. I was only a kid but I knew what she was saying wasn't true.

God. You absolutely must nip in the bud now any notions she has of living with you. Your life would be over. It would be awful.

What are you looking for? Ways of telling her? Someone to say you should invite her?

You're in a really tricky place but I think you should absolve yourself of guilt and be firm. You sound like a loving daughter who does more than most.

It seems she has already got you somewhat on the hook DrNortherner because she has involved you in solving her problem, and of course she will reject every alternative until and unless she gets what she wants.

It might be best to distance yourself from the problem itself. Change the subject, shrug your shoulders, be without ideas. Or, this is one I used on my narcissist dad - I was extremely supportive and unfailingly positive and encouraging that he would come to a good solution, but I never, ever took the bait.

If your mum is like my dad, I think you can see how incredibly annoying that was of me. Effective too.

But it did involve me knowing I was probably going to get disinherited from whatever modest sum might be left. But you know that's true anyway. If you were her faithful slave in all respects, she'd probably leave it all to somebody else's cat anyway. Narcissists are the souls of ingratitude. You probably stand a better chance of inheriting if you are cold and high handed with her, but your conscience would trouble you.

Be strong Dr N.

Allowing my mother to move in with us is my biggest regret. It has killed almost all my affection for her & I feel constant guilt about the effect on my husband and, worse, my daughter.

The best I can say is I haven't murdered her or put her out on the street but I've wanted to.

We're managing to live with her now (she is dependent, manipulative, - similar sort of profile) but it can only get worse, not better and she is 85 - you'd have 20 more years than I have to look forward to.

why not see if she can get someone to live with her, maybe a lodger or something. It would give her company and earn her some money. you could vet the person.

" My Mum is only 64 but seems much older than her years."

I had the mistaken impression from the first posts that she would be about 84.

she's actaully far far too young to be acting so feeble - she's just a few years older than people celebrating their 1/2 century by doing marathons and climbing mountains

don't wear it for one single minute. If it comes up in coversation use the "well what are you intending to do with yourself?..." phrase, turn it back to her every time

don't offer anything at all unless you want to and it's led by her

callous!??

Actually, you sound as if you need my flowchart:

1)is it my problem?

IF YES - deal with it
IF NO - ignore it

2)end.

In this case, whatever your mother has brewing is not actually your problem, but you sound as if you are making it so.
"So, I am going along with her suggestions and offering to help her, even offering to arrange house valuation."
"Well you see my Mum is so helpless there is no way she could arrange a house sale and move without my input. She is sending me her census form as she doesn't understand it and she asked me to cut her toenails after dad died because he used to do it for her."

er, she is a grown woman. Estate agents help with flogging houses, it's their job. Census takers fill in forms for people who cba. Chirops do toenails.
you are foolishly wandering into elephant trap after elephant trap, you are not in control.

64?!! My mil is 64. Rides a motorbike!

If she cannot sell her house without your help, then don't help.

Problem solved and she stays put.

Tell her you don't want to influence her in any way by helping bEcause she must be absolutely she she is willing to move into HA housing.

Make it clear that is the only option.

She hasn't even reached retirement age FFS.