Help, my narsissitic Mother is hinting at coming to live with me..............

[DrNortherner]

Wonderful Dad died in April 2009. Mother been a pain in the arse since, with out going into huge detail.

Anyway, she is saying she is unsettled living alone in the house her and my Dad shared. She wants to move. The area is detoriating and she is scared.

Her house is ex council, and not worth enough for her to buy another property, so she is telling me she is considering housing association and using her money to pay the rent. She currently lives mortgage free. I know she is calling my bluff, and testing me by saying this hoping I will say come and live with me in the hope I don't want her to spend my inheritance. So, I am going along with her suggestions and offering to help her, even offering to arrange house valuation.

She mentioned tonight that a friend has been asking why she isn't coming to live with me

Dh says to nip this in the bud now and tell her hell will freeze over before she moves in here.

Either way, she is upset and was crying on the phone again

My dad did spoil her yes, and I have absolutely no idea why. Another thing to get to grips with. It must have been tough for him and I never acknowledged that when he was alive. I feel very sad about that.

My Gran lives with her youngest daughter who is 48. She is quite an odd one and never left home, never had a relationship, never had friends, has huge gambling debts. Doubt she could survive without my Gran tbh.

I will probably be still working at 64 you are right. That puts it into perspective, will say that to her at some point.

She is child like when she does something for herself she will ring to tell me how proud of herself she is. She called once to say she had managed to make an omlette herself, and wasn't she amazing as my Dad used to make the omlettes....

She bullied my dad really, belittled him in front of people. And he just took it. Nodding and smiling, never upsetting the apple cart. Always asking her if she wanyed/needed anything and checking she was OK. She called him gormless, demanded cups of tea and accused him of never paying in restaurants/cafes etc, saying he never put his hand in his pocket it was always her. If we ever thanked my Dad for presents/gifts etc she would say 'Don't thank him, if it ws up to him you'd get nowt' Despite my dad working and earning all his life. My Mother never earned a penny. She was spending his money, then calling him tight.

Now my mother was lovely - I can't imagine having a problem letting her live with me, if only she hadn't inconsiderately up and died - but the difference is, she wouldn't have expected it. She would have done her utmost not to be a burden. That's why she wouldn't have been one.

My mum (strongly suspect she is Narc)treats my dad the same. I don't agree with it but TBh my Dad is 65 and can make his own decisions in life. He definitely enables her behaviour.

Don't let your mum move in. Why should you? You will end up in prison if you do.

It all sounds a bit sad.Maybe she is just full of regret and really misses him and knows she was a bit harsh

Narcs don't do regret they are always in the right.

well they shouldn't spend most of their life being a manipulative, horrible old bag then should they....

my mum actually used to tell my dad off for making making noises when he was in pain. He had lung cancer and tumours all the way up his spine and was dosed up to his eyeballs on morphine. He suffered for a year and she complained about looking after him the whole time.

That daughter of Narcissistic Mothers site is great. A real eye opener. My Mother is an engulfing type. It has a name!

ooh that sounds interesting DR Northerner going to look now

She now talks to my Dad's pictures and calls him darling. I never heard her once call him darling when he was alive. He was very respected and admired in their local community, the church was full to capacity at his funeral and the streets were lined with people. She tells anyone who will listen she supported him, without her he would not have been able to do the community work he did.

In truth she was never off his back about how much he was out of the house, how sh was left alone at home. And after a days work and a few council meetings if he fell asleep on the sofa whilst she was talking shit at him then woe betide him.

My mother is the engulfing type too. She is retiring in October and I am dreading it.

oh my god, I wish I'd seen this 10 years ago

Oh Noddy I know she misses him, Desperately. They were married for 40 years. If she does feel regret she has never said it. In the early days after his death she made a slight reference to it by saying 'I know we had our funny little ways, but I did love him'

Dr Northerner I find it hard to stomach too, especially when she tells other people and I think, you always gave him such grief. She has a photocard in her wallet that she shows people, I have realised that this is about her and not about dad though

its about getting attention

My mum is v similar but I know she would be distraught if anything happened to my step dad.My mum seems mean too at times and I have to be careful not to copy what I've always seen! I am very aware of being much kinder! It is horrible for tehse people as no matter what they can never back down even though insuide they are in turmoil I have said as much to my mum and when teh mist cleared I think she took it on board and has improved slightly.

crackfox is your mum near to you?

Dr.Northerner - no my Mum is 1 1/2 drive away so a nice buffer zone.

Hi Dr N

re your comment:-
"My dad did spoil her yes, and I have absolutely no idea why"

May I suggest that your late Dad acted as a bystander within this dysfucntional relationship out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He was probably also raised by a narcissistic parent/s and was trained accordingly to accept it.

Your mother used emotional blackmail on you as a child and she will continue to do so till the end of her days. She will continue too to ride roughshod over any opinion you express because you to her do not matter; your role to her is one of narc supply.

FOG (fear obligation and guilt) often arises from and in such dysfunctional family units. This is what is happening now hence the (totally misplaced) feelings of guilt you show.

Do read the website "Daughters of Narcissitic Mothers".

My mother moved to 'independent living' when she was about 68. She didn't have a bean except a state pension so if she could do it, your mother definitely could money-wise. They have waiting lists of course....

She has her own little flat, completely self-contained but doesn't have to worry about maintenance, servicing, etc - all taken care of. The 'residents' range from sprightly 60 year olds to very housebound older people. The best thing is there are people around all the time, there's a manager for any problems, and social events and trips etc. The beauty of it is the care can be adapted as you get older and meals on wheels, carers and so on come to the less able residents.

I appreciate your mother doesn't need care at the moment but my mother now has less day to day to worry about, and company when she feels like it.

(I might add she is also 200+miles away!!)

DRN

Haven't had time to read all the thread but all I can say is you have basically described my mother. You are not alone!

I'm currently having therapy to help me come to terms with the full extent of her narcissism and the damage it has done me. At the age of 40 i findally feel entitled to reclaim my life and be at the centre of it rather than being constantly belittled and witholden to my manipulative and demanding mother. But the guilt is the worst part. I've had a lifetime training in guilt and am Olympic-medal standard.

You cannot let her live with you. It's your life and she has no doubt done enough to you over the years. If she did live with you it would never, ever be enough. You would be constantly letting her down and would end up losing your mind.

The daughters of narcissictic mothers site is great. Once you reall all of that though there is no going back!

Good luck, and remember you are an adult and you get to make your own choices. She doesn't get to tell you what to do anymore.

I know the feeling dear Op
I would say "mum, you are more than entitled to enjoy your life saving/the income from sale, to make a go at the rest of your life, treat yourself well and get a lovely new place (renting) closer (but not too much) to us"

it is hard to explain to people who have been lucky to have great parents what it feels like to have to deal with a "victim mother" (victim not!)

Have you composed what you will say to her to nip this in the bud, DrN? Or is your husband willing to?

Hi DrN

I have recently just started to say 'no' to my N mother.

Just that...'no'.

She cannot or will not listen or understand any longer sentence than that, and actually turns her head away so that she is not even looking at me if she doesn't want to hear it. Even my kids notice this!

I did it first about Christmas as her and my narc sibling have come to me for what seems like my whole life and I spend months getting worked up about it, and never enjoy the day. We played 'narc bingo' for a few years prior to my 'no' this year, and got points for the statements they always made every year.

She is actually very elderly, and she was very nasty to me for around three years after my father died. And that was all about her.

She fell down the stairs a while ago and hit her head. So I tried to get her to look at bungalows, or sheltered housing. All I got was her turning the tears on as she didn't want to move as 'the next time she had to move it would be in her coffin'. FFS.

She had broken a limb previously and I had to look after her as there was no-one else. SO I told her that she should stay in her house but not expect to be run around after if anything else happened and that it was her choice.

I stopped feeling guilty and now I have just said no once , I have tried it again since and it really worked. It takes the wind out of their sails a bit and there is nothing they can pick up on to argue about.

She did live with me once after my father died and it was total hell. Don't do it.

Expat, I have decided not to mention it again until she does. She will bring it up at some point again I know she will. Then, I will firmly say, she can not live with us as we will drive each other mad.

I realise my Dad was an enabler. But he was a wonderful Father and I adored him from head to toe. He sheltered me from alot of it, realise this now. She was easier to cope with when he was around, as Dad was there for me. I'd listen to Mum droning on and on and on about crap. Then Dad and I would have a proper conversation, about me, about him, about our jobs, about ds, about politics, about anything and everything. I miss his so much and everything about him it hurts like hell. I can't cry in front of my Mum because she then cries longer and louder than me, reminding me her grief is worse. Plus, I think I have been conditioned to see her wail about nothing and create drama I actually try not to wail for fear of turning into her. She tells me when she has had a bad night, when she has broken down, and when she has cried all night.She has even told me she has had suicidal thoughts but that I shouldn't worry as she won't actualy kill herself....

Sometimes when alone, I allow myself to sob like a baby, but I can never bring myself to tell anyone 'I broke down today' because it makes me cringe. It sounds so dramatic. It sounds like her. She says I am strong like my dad, that I don't show my emotions - I do, just not to her.

Good God this is like therapy

Well I have learnt in my therapy that you have the power. They take all your power away from you, when you are a child, but now you have a choice to take that power back.

Be proactive rather than reactive.

Easier said than done though!