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Original poster

I've just discovered a stash of women's clothes in my husband's wardrobe

101 replies

speculationisrife · 09/03/2011 07:10

In a size 16, and I'm an 8-10 (and so is his sister). I'm not sure whether to be more troubled that he hasn't told me about them, or that there is a Per Una peasant-style skirt in there. Seriously, though, I was just looking to pinch a hanger when he was out last night and noticed them at the end of the shirts and trousers. It may seem odd that I've only just seen them, but we have quite big wardrobes and put away our own clothes.

In the past we've had 'jokey' conversations in which he's implied he wouldn't be averse to dressing up. And, honestly, I don't have a problem with it, just would find it a bit of a turn off if he did it in front of me.

So... do I keep quiet and assume it's his private thing and let him keep it that way. Or do I say something so that he knows it's OK with me, and not something he has to be embarrassed about (apart from the Per Una skirt and the dress with the girly smocking, of course, both of which he damn well should be embarrassed about)? I'm wondering if, given that they were left in plain-ish sight, he might quite like me to know.

I guess it's always possible I've got completely the wrong end of the stick, but they are new without tags, so I can't imagine what else they'd be for.

I've namechanged, by the way, as I know quite a few local MNers in RL. If I don't respond quickly it's because I'm trying to get to work and, once there, actually do some work. Would appreciate your advice, though.

OP posts:
HeartSkipsABeat · 09/03/2011 07:25

I think the only thing you can do is ask him (gently). Had he ever specifically told you not to go in there?

I'd just say "Soooo DH I went to your wardrobe the other day..." and see what happens...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2011 07:44

I would talk to him gently and without rancour.

You may as well want to contact the Beaumont Society's Womens Group (link below). The Beaumont Society help and support both cross dressers and their families.

www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs

VivaLeBeaver · 09/03/2011 08:00

I would leave it. It sounds like he doesn't want you to know and he'd probably be mortified.

TerrorFirmer · 09/03/2011 08:04

How do you feel about the idea of him cross-dressing? Are you confortable for him to do this? Would you want to see him in these clothes, if he wanted you to be involved?

(and lol at per una Wink)

RudeEnglishLady · 09/03/2011 08:09

I would just ask him nicely and not make fun of his dress sense.

JessicaDrew · 09/03/2011 08:42

this happens a lot of the time, and there are few outcomes, if he is crossdressing at the present his status is "in the closet" ie in secret, but once he is discovered all the pressure is on you!!!
in the majority of cases the wife is horrified and tells him never to do it again etc, this may send him further into the closet as it is a fetish he will struggle to go without, but in few instances the wife embraces the new side of her partner and encourages it!
To find out how far he wants to go is the important thing as many dressers want to experience sex as a female, and this we know what this would mean!!!!

MamaLazarou · 09/03/2011 09:14

If this was my husband, I would mention it to him. Best to have things out in the open. There's nothing wrong with it.

Original poster
speculationisrife · 09/03/2011 09:28

Thanks so much for your responses.

HeartSkips I'm genuinely interested to know why you think this is the 'only thing I can do'. Is it because otherwise there'd be something secret between us (not that I don't think all couples have secrets to some extent - I mean I'm a very open person, but I wouldn't want even DH to be privy to all my darkest thoughts!)?

I'm OK with him dressing up, but I wouldn't be comfortable with joining in (iyswim), as it's just not sexy for me to see a man in women's clothes. I'm wondering, though, whether the whole thing (i.e. the recent (I think) appearance of these clothes) might be tied in with the incresaing lack of a decent sex life. I adore my husband, find him attractive and we are close, with a small dd. I know he finds me very attractive and would happily have sex at least 2 or 3 times a week.

I've always had a bit of an issue in that I find my libido slides the more 'comfortable' I am with someone. Not sure where this comes from as my parents still, at nearly seventy, have a very loving relationship and as far as I can tell an active sex life (not that I like to dwell on this Smile).

I wonder if this side of him has come out now as he's not really getting what he needs from that side of our relationship. The last thing I want to do is make him feel uncomfortable, but I just wonder if my knowing but not saying anything will mean that I feel there is something between us that's unresolved. I'm not upset, per se, but it was a bit surreal to see the clothes hanging there.

Sorry, huge ramble - I would hate to think of him doing this (ie dressing up when I'm not around) and feeling bad or guilty about it. Not healthy (those feelings, that is, not the cross-dressing).

Also, I'm wondering, having just looked at the link to the Beaumont Society, I'm not sure a fancy for wearing dresses every now and then (if this is what it is) always conflates to gender dysphoria or a desire to actually be a woman or experience sex with women. I'd say on a spectrum (if most people are) he's at the top 10% heterosexual end. Attila, as you posted this link, can I ask what your experience of this is?

OP posts:
Skifit · 09/03/2011 09:33

I couldnt not ask him.
It will only drive you nuts if you dont.
Clear the air.
He must have thought that at some point you were going to discover them.

Original poster
speculationisrife · 09/03/2011 09:34

x-post with MamaLazarou (sorry again for excessively long post) No, you're quite right - nothing wrong with it. I'm just wondering, really, how to approach it if the advice is to broach the subject (and I'm tending to agree that might be best). I'm not sure how to open the subject without sounding like I'm being accusatory.

In answer to HeartSkips, too, no he's never asked that I don't look in his wardrobe. I generally wouldn't have reason to anyway, but as I said, I was just looking for a spare coat hanger - a flowery fabric caught my eye, and I just looked as I couldn't remember him having a flowery shirt. It was all completely innocent, genuinely. I totally trust him, and I'm aware that he looks at soft porn occasionally on the net - he knows I know this - and, again, I don't have a problem with that. (Hope this isn't going to open a whole other can of worms, as it's not the issue here!)

OP posts:
JessicaDrew · 09/03/2011 09:36

You really sound level headed and nice, and i hope when you talk to him it will sort it self out. He may have some hidden saxual fantasy that he feels you will not want to be part of, but you sound like the type of person who would step back and consider it rather than throwing the toys out the pram
good luck

Original poster
speculationisrife · 09/03/2011 09:36

Skifit - I agree that he must have expected me to discover them at some point. They weren't exactly hidden - if he'd wanted to be more discreet he could have put them in suit carriers and I'd never have noticed them.

Gosh, I am going to feel silly if it turns out there's a completely different explanation for this, aren't I? Although I really can't think what that might be!

OP posts:
cumbria81 · 09/03/2011 09:57

I would leave it. As you say, it's his business and who knows? the secrecy might be part of the fun. I wouldn't want my partner prying into my life if I fancied the odd wank and think you should respect his privacy.

myfriendsdh · 09/03/2011 10:06

OP, my friend's dh is a cross dresser (hence my name change) and he has been for many years.

My friend accepts this but like you she has no interest in participating in it with him. They spent a long time talking about it (and my friend spoke at length with a specialist counsellor), and it is clear that my friend's dh finds it sexually stimulating to dress in woman's clothes. My friend has agreed with him a fairly strict set rules - including that he never dresses in any of her clothes (particularly underwear), that he washes all his own (female) clothes and that she does not have to find them in the laundry, and that he does not dress in women's clothes when she (or their dc) is likely to be around.

She says that the only obvious impact is that she tends not to go home at short notice (or at least not without phoning him first). However over the years my friend's sexual relationship with her dh has diminished. I am given to understand that he has found it more and more difficult to become aroused without dressing up, and I think that their sex life is now non-existent. They are both committed to staying together, and they still love each other deeply, but her dh's cross dressing has had a big impact on their relationship.

Hope everything goes well for you, and that you get the support you need.

squeakytoy · 09/03/2011 10:14

Could they be his mums?

myfriendsdh · 09/03/2011 10:15

Just to add (and again as I understand it from my friend) her dh is not transgender, or transvestite and is not turned on by the thought of having sex with other men. To the best of her knowledge (unless he is lying about it) he does not go out dressed up in woman's clothes, and in fact when they were invited to a vicar and tarts party, he went as a vicar.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2011 10:16

The Beaumont Society are there to support both the cross dresser and their wife hence me posting the link. You both need support and they are useful re providing understanding.

Good luck to you both.

LadyOfTheManor · 09/03/2011 10:31

Not to sure what to say...but I'll bump this.

BUMP

Flisspaps · 09/03/2011 10:36

I really feel for you.

NO-ONE should be subjected to Per Una. Especially anything from the Speziale range.

squeakytoy · 09/03/2011 10:40

I have no experience of cross dressing, and my reaction would be to be quite shocked if I were the Op.

I dont think I would be able to deal with it, I honestly dont, and it would kill my marriage. :(

I certainly wouldnt be able to be in the house with my husband while he walked around in womens clothing, and I think, even the knowledge that he was doing this while I was out, would play on my mind.

I would like to think I would try to be understanding, and supportive, but my gut feeling is that I couldnt. It wouldnt be the relationship that I thought we had.

VivaLeBeaver · 09/03/2011 10:41

I think the reason why I'd want to ignore it is becasue I'd be worried about what might happen if I revealed I knew. If this was my DH I wouldn't have a problem with him doing it in private/away from me. But you say yourself you think he wanted you to find them - well why?

Might he be hoping you find them and talk to him and then once its no longer a secret he can wear his dresses in the house all the time in front of you? How would you feel about him wearing dresses all the time. What about if he started wanting to leave the house in womens' clothes?

carminaburana · 09/03/2011 10:45

I quite like the sound of the Per una peasant style skirt - i'm a size 14 so it wouldn't be too big ( with lots of funky chunky belts ) send it my way when he's finished with it.

And what has his sister got to do with it? - does she live with you?

squeakytoy · 09/03/2011 10:51

I honestly do not understand all the vitriol towards Per Una... Confused

Can someone please explain that to me...:)

piratecat · 09/03/2011 10:56

squeeky, it's becuase it's quite hideous, and half of it look like it was made in a school project!!!

JessicaDrew · 09/03/2011 10:58

would make more sense if he was prancing round in some Ann Summer's finest!!!!!