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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've just discovered a stash of women's clothes in my husband's wardrobe

101 replies

speculationisrife · 09/03/2011 07:10

In a size 16, and I'm an 8-10 (and so is his sister). I'm not sure whether to be more troubled that he hasn't told me about them, or that there is a Per Una peasant-style skirt in there. Seriously, though, I was just looking to pinch a hanger when he was out last night and noticed them at the end of the shirts and trousers. It may seem odd that I've only just seen them, but we have quite big wardrobes and put away our own clothes.

In the past we've had 'jokey' conversations in which he's implied he wouldn't be averse to dressing up. And, honestly, I don't have a problem with it, just would find it a bit of a turn off if he did it in front of me.

So... do I keep quiet and assume it's his private thing and let him keep it that way. Or do I say something so that he knows it's OK with me, and not something he has to be embarrassed about (apart from the Per Una skirt and the dress with the girly smocking, of course, both of which he damn well should be embarrassed about)? I'm wondering if, given that they were left in plain-ish sight, he might quite like me to know.

I guess it's always possible I've got completely the wrong end of the stick, but they are new without tags, so I can't imagine what else they'd be for.

I've namechanged, by the way, as I know quite a few local MNers in RL. If I don't respond quickly it's because I'm trying to get to work and, once there, actually do some work. Would appreciate your advice, though.

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 09/03/2011 12:34

OP Well done for taking my comment in the manner it was intended

Is there anyone else the clothes could belong to, his Mum perhaps (although why he'd have her stuff in the wardrobe is anyone's guess)?

carminaburana · 09/03/2011 12:40

ST; I'd be saying that too but they have had 'jokey' conversations in the past where he admitted he wouldn't be averse to dressing up, and she's ok with it. Obviously if this had come completely out of the blue and the op was totally devastated if would be different - you couldn't keep quiet about it.

wannaBe · 09/03/2011 12:50

I think that people that think this is his business are very naive. These things can and do have an impact on relationships, and they often are indicative of a deeper issue for the individual.

Op - I do think you should talk to your dh about this, but before you do it might be worth talking to someone who knows about this sort of thing, maybe from the link that atilla posted above? In order that you can think about and come to terms with how you will feel about this in any of the possible senarios i.e. if your dh simply likes cross-dressing or if in fact he has gender disphoria and does actually feel that he would like to be a woman rather than a man.

I have a friend (have posted about her before) whose dh had gender disphoria. The thing is that she had absolutely no idea what so ever - they were in a loving, stable relationship, were planning a family, they had some fertility issues in fact and were applying to adopt. Then out of nowhere (literally out of nowhere, one day) he told her that he wanted to live as a transvestite. Within weeks of saying that he opened up that he actually wanted to live as a woman.

Five years on he is now living as a woman, has changed his name etc, and is in a relationship with a man. friend could never have guessed, and it has totally destroyed her life.

Op this does need addressing, but perhaps with the help of a professional to help you come to terms with any possible outcome.

squeakytoy · 09/03/2011 12:54

I think the Op has to find out if there is a perfectly innocent reason for it first before jumping to conclusions.

Thingumy · 09/03/2011 12:55

Agree with you squeaky.

squeakytoy · 09/03/2011 12:57

And thats exactly why it should be discussed as soon as possible, before your mind runs away with all sort of scenarios!

IF he is cross dressing, then you know what you are dealing with, and it seems there are some fantastic posters on here who have the experience to answer your questions too. :)

IslaValargeone · 09/03/2011 12:58

Apologies as I haven't read back, but, how would your dh be able to cross dress without you knowing?

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 09/03/2011 13:05

You are a lot more open minded than me.

I'm with Squeakytoy and Atswimtwolengths - I just couldn't fancy a man who chose to dress as a woman and it would end a relationship. Probably not immediately (as say an affair would do) but it would in the end.

I can't see how it wouldn't affect your sex life & thus your relationship tbh.

I hope that you can talk to someone who can help you (both) through this because I honestly don't think it's as simple as saying 'Oh yes, he cross dresses in his spare time and it doesn't bother me'.

IngridBergmann · 09/03/2011 13:05

Gosh this doesn't half have some crossovers with the other extremely long current thread.

Hope you sort it out, OP. It sounds tricky.

sakura · 09/03/2011 13:07

I would have a problem with this if it was my husband, personally, and the reason is the root of the fetish. In our sado-masculine/masochist-feminine society women are charicatured as the passive, submissive feminine "other" of men. So what cross-dressers are actually fantasizing about is the submissiveness, which is fine in itself, but if the symbol of submissiveness are the trappings of things that actual women have to wear in order to appear socially acceptable, then I've got a problem with that. In other words, women's subordinate status in society is the root of the fetish.

But that's just me.

JessicaDrew · 09/03/2011 13:10

Thats very deep Sak, but if he only wanted to be submisive, and his wife is understanding he could request some roleplay games???

sakura · 09/03/2011 13:19

I've not got a problem with submissive men; I've got a problem with them projecting this onto women and then usurping the trappings of the "underclass" for sexual excitement

wannaBe · 09/03/2011 13:19

I couldn't stay either.

My friend stayed with her h for two years - not as a married couple but she stayed within the marriage and the home iyswim, until he decided he wanted to start seeing men.

The problem then arose that because he officially wanted to live as a woman, he cannot legally be married to a woman. So rather than being able to go through a divorce the marriage had to be anulled.

I do agree that the op needs to find out first what is actually going on, but I do also think that she needs to go into this with her eyes open to the possibility that it might not just have an innocent explanation.

Thingumy · 09/03/2011 13:22

The OP hasn't even found out that her husband is cross dressing.

LoveMyGirls · 09/03/2011 13:23

I'd mention it incase he feels bad about it and needn't feel bad but I'd question the amount of money he is spending on clothes to wear around the house, per una isn't cheap

AnotherMumOnHere · 09/03/2011 13:25

Hi speculation, I've got to say how refreshing it is to find you are so openminded about your findings.

I would also like to congratulate the other women who are also openminded. To be honest, I usually find many of the people on here very narrow minded and other times very closed minded.

I have many friends who are crossdressers and I certainly dont have a problem with it - why should I - women have been wearing trousers for years (and in some cases are never out of trousers/jeans). Personally I find this very masculine but each to their own ....................

If your DH has left the clothes etc hanging up in a wardrobe after the convo you and he had it certainly seems to me that he would like you to find them. It is really such a shame that he did not have the confidence to tell you his feelings totally. (Im not meaning that in any condescending way.)

When you say something to him is totally up to you so I will wish you well for that convo and will follow with interest the outcome.

AnotherMumOnHere · 09/03/2011 13:29

As a little addendum, perhaps if you help your DH pick some clothes for him to wear he may find that helpful as 'acquiring' tasteful clothes is a problem that many CD's have with the limited availability. Hope ive explained that right.

IngridBergmann · 09/03/2011 13:33

'I would also like to congratulate the other women who are also openminded. To be honest, I usually find many of the people on here very narrow minded and other times very closed minded.'

Saying something that attacks fellow posters is unnecessary, contentious and likely to distract from the subject of the thread.

Original poster

speculationisrife · 09/03/2011 13:39

IngridBergmann - which thread is that? Can you you link to it for me?

OK, I could be wrong, but my instincts generally don't fail me. Here's my rundown of the situation: I think it's unlikely that there is another reason for the clothes (see my posts at the start of the thread). I think he likes wearing women's clothes, occasionally, on his own in the house. I don't think he is gender dysphoric (sp.). I don't think he'd want to dress as a woman outside the house. I think he possibly gets a mild sexual frisson from it, but knows I have 'vanilla' tastes and wouldn't want to participate. I'm genuinely not sure whether mentioning what I've found will open a can of worms. I am also feeling a little cowardly about possibly rocking the boat and upsetting him.

wannaBe - thanks for taking the time to respond and share your friend's experience. That must have been terribly painful for her. I should say for the record, though, that I have deliberately avoided talking about whether there is an 'innocent' explanation, as I wouldn't label cross-dressing as the opposite of innocent (sinister?), but I do understand what you're saying.

And, as Thingumy sensibly points out I still don't know for sure what is going on.

sakura - that sounds a bit theoretical for me, but I would say that I am the dominant personality in the relationship - although certainly not in an S&M way. My DH likes strong women and also is no doormat. So there you go - make of that what you will!

OP posts:

PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 13:57

Well, I fancy Eddie Izzard in woman mode < ahem >

Hope you sort it out, OP. It wouldn't be the worst thing (by quite a long way) for me to find out about my husband (if he does turn out to be cross dresser...you don' even know for sure)

for me, it would be more about not being able to keep my face straight (from bursting out laughing ), rather than the ick factor

my DH would make a terrible woman (very hairy, very broad shoulders, hands like shovels etc)

AnotherMumOnHere · 09/03/2011 14:00

IB what I said was an honest observation and it most certainly was not made to detract from any of the other postings.

Take it the way you want it. It was said in an honest manner and I stand by what I say.

Original poster

speculationisrife · 09/03/2011 14:01

Hmm, I know what you mean about Eddie Izzard - he's quite a manly man, isn't he, even in a PVC corset and fishnets?

And, yes, I am with you on the laughing thing. It had occurred to me that I might have trouble with that.

OP posts:

IngridBergmann · 09/03/2011 14:14

This one!

It's not about clothes but a lot of issues regarding privacy and secrecy are highlighted in each. Yours is far more chirpy though, it has to be said

lenak · 09/03/2011 14:18

I lurve Eddie too.

"Male Tomboy", "Action Transvestite", "Lesbian in a male body", "a complete boy plus half a girl" are all ways in which he describes himself.

He is also very clear that it is not, for him, a sexual fetish. His take on it is women can wear what they like, so why can't he.

And he is dead right ofcourse.

PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 14:20

I would laugh, I know I would

which is horrid, I suppose

men in frocks just look so silly

i's not even prejudice that makes me say that, men have been dressing up as women for generations as comedy to intentionally make people laugh < shrug >

like I said though, if you could get past the laughing, there are much worse things you might have to get your head around

anyway, it looks like you are not going to ask him, so you are not going to know, are you ?

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