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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

school age kids but just one parent works ??

125 replies

kookypooky · 08/03/2011 08:30

is anyone at home even though the children are older ?
i am not debating whether thats right or wrong .
i am at home, have only ever had cash in hand cleaning jobs since having children and now have no work at all.
Not saying its been impossible but
have had anxiety issues , health issues , a child with problems , dp works unpredictable and long hours and i have no family to be around for the children before or after school.

Thing is dp seems to think this gives him the right to lord it over me as it were. I get no say in finances and although if i really needed something there would be money for me i feel like i am treated like the underdog.

i booked driving lessons to try to improve my confidence , have been too scared for years. dp was not impressed he said i was putting extra financial pressure on him as they are expensive. That same week he asked me to try to not use the tumble dryer too much.
fast forward 2 weeks and he has gone out and bought himself a guitar for over a grand.

we are NOT well off , he earns about 20 000 per year. He has used his credit card.

give me your thoughts. are you at home whilst your dp works ?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 08/03/2011 08:34

He's not really a 'd'p is he?

Original poster
kookypooky · 08/03/2011 08:35

what do you mean ?

OP posts:
zikes · 08/03/2011 08:37

I am, but my dh never lords it over me or acts like I have no say in the finances. What money comes in is ours as a family and a couple.

It seems like he's keeping you dependent by not letting you learn to drive. Lessons are expensive, but to then go out and buy himself a big old luxury on the credit-card is mindboggling. :(

Pagwatch · 08/03/2011 08:37

I am at home. But our finances are joint. His earnings are mine as mine were his.
But that does not sound like the arrangement you would have with your dp.
If he is going to be bullying about it it may not be a good idea.

Also, can I ask, if you are not married do you have any financial security in the event he leaves or dies.

Pagwatch · 08/03/2011 08:39

To be honest, your problem is not the decision to work or not. It is being dependant on a man who does not treat you terribly well.

myhouseisnotamess · 08/03/2011 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lulumama · 08/03/2011 08:42

agree it's not about being a SAHM with a working partner, it's about being with a man who spends £1000 on a guitar whilst denying you driving lessons and use of the tumble dryer

he is taking advantage of you being dependant on him, and keeping you dependant on him

if your DC is at school, can you maybe try to find some volunteering of some kind in school hours , whihc could help build your confidence

if you want to find paid work, then you can use childminders or wraparound care if available for before/after school

GypsyMoth · 08/03/2011 08:42

He's a partner..... Not a 'dear' partner

Financial abuse!

I'd be looking for a better option than living the way you are and being made to feel like that. Sorry!

Lulumama · 08/03/2011 08:43

when I was at home with young DCs, I could spend whatever I needed for me and the DCs and all of us, full access to joint account, no need to grovel or beg for money

lubeybooby · 08/03/2011 08:45

This is very wrong of him. You need a serious chat.

Original poster
kookypooky · 08/03/2011 08:45

no , were not married i have no security.
over the years theres been massive issues. he says his issue is that i dont sleep with him . i dont sleep with him because i feel uncomfortable with it after the things he has said to me.
said and apologised many times over.

he says therefore now we arent sleeping together were not a proper couple and i shouldnt get a say anyway.

He used to work away but i hated it due to anxiety and struggling with ds2 he arranged his job so that he could be home every night.

b ut, because we are not sleepong together he said that if things didnt improve he would go back to being away which is what he has just done a few weeks ago.
to me it felt like sleep with me , get on with me no matter what im like or i will work away. felt blackmailed.

OP posts:
Original poster
kookypooky · 08/03/2011 08:47

i have had the driving lessons though. He said sorry about that but that was after hed bought the guitar. he always says sorry but i dont think he is.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 08/03/2011 08:47

he sounds like a real charmer Hmm

Lulumama · 08/03/2011 08:47

if you're not a proper couple, then ask him to leave. he's not adding anything to your life. he's not a life partner, he's a man who just wants his own way regardless of how it affects you

GypsyMoth · 08/03/2011 08:48

This is no way to live op!!

Toughasoldboots · 08/03/2011 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
kookypooky · 08/03/2011 08:50

but tell me , am i a sponger ? spending his money but not sleeping with him or managing to get on with him ? i know that sounds a bit weird putting it like that but thats really how hes making me feel.

i called him selfish last night and he left. He wasnt supposed to be leaving until 4am for work but he went at 11pm and wont be back till wednesday night.

OP posts:
Toughasoldboots · 08/03/2011 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zikes · 08/03/2011 08:51

Felt like blackmail because it was blackmail. Angry

Why does he even want to have sex with you if you're not happy and actually don't want to? I can't get my head around guys like this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/03/2011 08:51

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

At the very least he is using a control tactic of financial abuse to keep you in your place.

You really do not want to spend the next 3 months, let alone the next 3 years like this. He will eventually destroy you emotionally.

I would put money on it as well that he is the root cause of both your health and anxiety issues. He is making you ill and dependent on him.

Where do you see yourself in five years time?.
Do you ultimately want to leave him?

zikes · 08/03/2011 08:52

It takes two to get on.

Pagwatch · 08/03/2011 08:55

Do you really see your relationship like that? He gets sex and you have to be nice or he withholds financial support?

That isn't a relationship.

I am not a sponger. I am my dhs equal. We just have different roles

The two of you have a very skewed idea of a mutual, supportive, loving relationship.

Original poster
kookypooky · 08/03/2011 08:55

this has gone on for years.
i have been looking for work but cant find anything. I have no qualifications and i need to be here for ds2 before and after school.
hes only just gone back into school after being at home for 3 months . Hes being assessed for aspergers and mentally not been in a good place.
The kids adore him and ds2 is terrified of us splitting up.
dp says he wants to call it a day but the effects on ds2 will be devastating and tbh i feel weak other than financially .

OP posts:
Original poster
kookypooky · 08/03/2011 08:56

no, i understand how it should be. i just doubted myself for a bit this morning and posted.

I think he resents the fact that hes always had to bear the financial burden.
but, i havent had it easy either.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 08/03/2011 08:57

he wants to end it
he does not support you
he does not let you do the things you need to do

how is this a good role model for your boys?