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Original poster

school age kids but just one parent works ??

125 replies

kookypooky · 08/03/2011 08:30

is anyone at home even though the children are older ?
i am not debating whether thats right or wrong .
i am at home, have only ever had cash in hand cleaning jobs since having children and now have no work at all.
Not saying its been impossible but
have had anxiety issues , health issues , a child with problems , dp works unpredictable and long hours and i have no family to be around for the children before or after school.

Thing is dp seems to think this gives him the right to lord it over me as it were. I get no say in finances and although if i really needed something there would be money for me i feel like i am treated like the underdog.

i booked driving lessons to try to improve my confidence , have been too scared for years. dp was not impressed he said i was putting extra financial pressure on him as they are expensive. That same week he asked me to try to not use the tumble dryer too much.
fast forward 2 weeks and he has gone out and bought himself a guitar for over a grand.

we are NOT well off , he earns about 20 000 per year. He has used his credit card.

give me your thoughts. are you at home whilst your dp works ?

OP posts:
Original poster
kookypooky · 08/03/2011 08:59

i know that lul its breaking my heart Sad

i told my mum about the guitar , her attitude was that he had worked for it and i didnt have a leg to stand on.

he doesnt withold the money it is there freely for me BUT he somehow makes me feel guilty for spending it on myself.

OP posts:
Toughasoldboots · 08/03/2011 09:00

This reply has been deleted

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expatinscotland · 08/03/2011 09:02

It is a very bad idea for a woman to be entirely dependend on a horrid bully for support, particularly if they are not married. You can easily wind up with absolute FA including a roof over your head.

Lulumama · 08/03/2011 09:02

you r mum doens't really get it then,but have you todl her the whole picture?

please think about speaking to CAB or some agency to find out how you can manage on your own

you are effectively alone anyway

Original poster
kookypooky · 08/03/2011 09:02

yes , trapped thats how i feel. i cant do it to the kids. ds2 was talking suicidal a few months ago , how can i leave ? he is ALL for his dad. in fact he'd want to live with him.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 08/03/2011 09:03

Yes. Go to CAB.

Get some advice. You may be entitled to some support.

Your mother may well be a nice woman but her ' he is entitled to it' comment is both stupid and patently untrue.

Bonsoir · 08/03/2011 09:04

kookypooky - if you want to learn to drive, I think you need to pay for the lessons yourself. It's not your DP's job to pay for your basic education.

Original poster
kookypooky · 08/03/2011 09:05

when i found he'd spent all that money , i just thought how it would be if i had done that. My next thought was i will go and treat myself to all the things i have wanted to recently and sod him
but maybe doing that is unreasonable ?

OP posts:
Original poster
kookypooky · 08/03/2011 09:06

i have paiod for the driving lessons out of my tax credits.
but then it leaves me short for thr shopping so i have to then use his money.

OP posts:
myhouseisnotamess · 08/03/2011 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FourFortyFour · 08/03/2011 09:07

I haven't worked since I was first pregnant and DH has supported us all financially for the last 11 years while I have supported us all emotionally and practically as I have been at home full time. DH gives me all the money he has left after paying bills and as long as we are all fed he doesn't mind what I spend. All our children are now at school full time and I don't plan to work again.

Your partner has no right to "lord it over you" but you don't have to let him.

myhouseisnotamess · 08/03/2011 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZZZenAgain · 08/03/2011 09:09

if money is a bit tight and he is the sole income earner, I can understand that he would have appreciated you discussing with him beforehand whether you (as a family) could afford the driving lessons atm or whether you'd have to save a bit first.

I see you are unhappy in this relationship but you are also making things rather difficult for him IMO. I don't know if you see that. I mean he has a wife at home who is entirely dependent on him, who is anxious when he is working further from home so he had to alter his working arrangements to suit her, he has no sex life, his wife does not get on with him, etc etc

You are unhappy yes, I hear that but I think he is too and if you want to stay with him, you are going to have to move a bit out of your comfort zone IMO. I hope I am not offending you but really there is work to be done here if this is not all going to fall apart and part of that work is yours.

zikes · 08/03/2011 09:11

No, I wouldn't do the tit-for-tat thing. As a family you can't afford to and getting into further debt would be a bad thing.

I think you need to work on being less dependent on him.

If you've been a cleaner before, perhaps put a card in shops etc offering to clean/iron etc as your own little business?

myhouseisnotamess · 08/03/2011 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
kookypooky · 08/03/2011 09:15

i aggree zen, i would like to discuss how we spend everything as a family but he doesnt do that , never has so i didnt see why i should.
its 20 quid a week , i think he spends more than that on junk food through the week.

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myhouseisnotamess · 08/03/2011 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
kookypooky · 08/03/2011 09:16

thanks zikes but i tried that already . Only one lady responded , i used to take in her ironing but she cant afford it now.

OP posts:
Original poster
kookypooky · 08/03/2011 09:17

He didnt say it quite like that but thats what he meant Sad

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/03/2011 09:17

KP

This is no life for you or your children to be living in; its an awful half existance. This man is controlling you financially; you ended up using your tax credits to pay for driving lessons because he said you were putting extra financial pressure on him. He has also asked you to use the tumble drier less. This from a man who spend a grand on a guitar!!.

He cares not a jot for you and the children, only his own selfish self.

happyinherts · 08/03/2011 09:18

Like ZZZenagain - I can see his view point here. Not necessarily agree with it, but it is a bit one sided that you expect him to pay for everything within the home from a lowish income.

How old are the children? You could get to know other mum's in the playground and there's always somebody who wants house cleaned, ironing done, etc. I had 6 such jobs when my son started primary school. I'd collect keys at 9am and return them at 3.20. It was ideal. There's work out there if you're willing to go for it.

I don't really think it was right to blow a grand on a guitar and withold you using the dryer - but he was making a statement. He is under pressure. He wants you as his dp to share that pressure and it doesn't seem like you are. You are expecting him to pay for everything and out of a low wage that's not going to happen.

Make it work for yourself - go out there and gain confidence, independence and a bit of cash for yourself

happyinherts · 08/03/2011 09:18

Like ZZZenagain - I can see his view point here. Not necessarily agree with it, but it is a bit one sided that you expect him to pay for everything within the home from a lowish income.

How old are the children? You could get to know other mum's in the playground and there's always somebody who wants house cleaned, ironing done, etc. I had 6 such jobs when my son started primary school. I'd collect keys at 9am and return them at 3.20. It was ideal. There's work out there if you're willing to go for it.

I don't really think it was right to blow a grand on a guitar and withold you using the dryer - but he was making a statement. He is under pressure. He wants you as his dp to share that pressure and it doesn't seem like you are. You are expecting him to pay for everything and out of a low wage that's not going to happen.

Make it work for yourself - go out there and gain confidence, independence and a bit of cash for yourself

Original poster
kookypooky · 08/03/2011 09:21

He has no sex life , thats because all he cared about were his needs after ds1 was born and i couldnt get over how he treated me. it spoiled sex .
He has got so frustrated at the lack of sex over time that he has left me nasty notes calling me a bitch, drove off into the night , once he even had a wank into a pair of my knickers and left them on my cupboard for me to find . he thought that was a joke , i was horrified.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/03/2011 09:22

KP

I still belive that at heart your controlling partner is at the root of your owngoing health and anxiety issues.

GypsyMoth · 08/03/2011 09:22

Why is your ds2 thinking you are splitting up?? Whopit that into his head?

His problems might be eased if his parents were happier?