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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

school age kids but just one parent works ??

125 replies

kookypooky · 08/03/2011 08:30

is anyone at home even though the children are older ?
i am not debating whether thats right or wrong .
i am at home, have only ever had cash in hand cleaning jobs since having children and now have no work at all.
Not saying its been impossible but
have had anxiety issues , health issues , a child with problems , dp works unpredictable and long hours and i have no family to be around for the children before or after school.

Thing is dp seems to think this gives him the right to lord it over me as it were. I get no say in finances and although if i really needed something there would be money for me i feel like i am treated like the underdog.

i booked driving lessons to try to improve my confidence , have been too scared for years. dp was not impressed he said i was putting extra financial pressure on him as they are expensive. That same week he asked me to try to not use the tumble dryer too much.
fast forward 2 weeks and he has gone out and bought himself a guitar for over a grand.

we are NOT well off , he earns about 20 000 per year. He has used his credit card.

give me your thoughts. are you at home whilst your dp works ?

OP posts:
Original poster
kookypooky · 08/03/2011 09:24

and i know its pressure on a low income. I have found every way of saving money. shopping in 3 different places and things. i stopped buying magazines or anything at all for myself to try to save cash...and then he goes out and treats himself big time...what was the point ?

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 08/03/2011 09:24

the relationship is on the rocks that's clear. Might even be a bit too late to turn it around

How long have you been together and why didn't you get married. Don't mean to just be nosey (I mean from the viewpoint of finanical security, might have been better)?

GypsyMoth · 08/03/2011 09:24

Er
Ok ,your last post....thats enough to make the most easy going/accepting person leave

Get out op, he's disgusting

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/03/2011 09:25

KP

Yuck, yuck, yuck.

Why are you still with this awful man?. Presumably it is because of the children and the fact too you have no emotional support from your mother who seems unhelpful at best.

What were you like before you two met?.

happyinherts · 08/03/2011 09:25

He has no respect for you - he's made that obvious.

But you have to want to do something about it yourself and that means either leaving him or being more assertive and giving him as good as he gives you. Both of these are really going to have you earning your own money, because that's the root of the problem here. He sees it as a power thing. You don't contribute to the family outgoings. Tax credits are a family income, not an individual one, so he sees it as his 'right' to play the power card. It's not right, but you see, if you earn some money and start to be assertive you'll see a difference.

ZZZenAgain · 08/03/2011 09:25

th point: I think he is making a clear statement here that he is putting himself in the middle of his life and you (and the kids) are on the sidelines. I think he is getting ready to go tbh

Original poster
kookypooky · 08/03/2011 09:26

Attila, docs havent found much wrong apart from a stmoach problem but i feel like crap and struggle to wrk because of how i feel health wise. your probably right.

OP posts:
Original poster
kookypooky · 08/03/2011 09:30

ds2 thinks thats what happens when parents argue. hes seen it happen to his mates.
i dont know if i coulod cope on my own . when dp is here ds2 spends all his time with him and HATES it when he works away.
I have big problems with ds2 and yes this will be contributing which makes me terribly terribly sad . all i ever wanted was a normal happy little family.

OP posts:
happyinherts · 08/03/2011 09:30

If you save a tenner here or there by shopping around, sacrificing a magazine or two - it means nothing to him.

If you went out and earnt a tenner or two and then said, I'm spending that on driving lessons, that would make you more equal. That's what it's about - power, not sacrificing a magazine and thinking you're contributing

Original poster
kookypooky · 08/03/2011 09:31

Attlia i was 17 when i met him. An average 17 year old.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 08/03/2011 09:32

Op..... Who owns the house or is it rented?

This will go on for as long as you let it

Original poster
kookypooky · 08/03/2011 09:33

i know happy . easier said than done. i mean i couldnt see dp being off work for 3 months and home educating ds2, which is what i had to do. if i had been working aswell id have probably lost my job.

OP posts:
Original poster
kookypooky · 08/03/2011 09:33

he owns the house.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 08/03/2011 09:33

Where did he go for 5 hours before work

dignified · 08/03/2011 09:35

Kooky , this is financial and sexual abuse Sad, and i imagine theres a range of other things going on too. A man who blackmails his wife into sex isnt a nice person.

You,d be better off on your own. Speak to womens aid and apply for a council property. Youll be better off financially , emotionally and youll get your life back.

Its wrong your kids are growing up in this dysfunctional family. They will eventually treat you like he does , copying his words towards you ect , and later , they will replay this dysfunctional rubbish in their own familys . Your kids will learn how to be men and women , husbands or wives from you and him.

If you were on your own , and depending on the age of your kids you wouldnt be expected to work anyway , plus youll get maintenance ect.

Other women in your life might minimize whats happening or encourage you to keep putting up with it. Thats usually because theyre putting up with something similar or because they buy into the idea of male priveledge . Dont buy it.

The kids probably dont adore him , theyre probably frightened of him , i doubt they never hear him yelling at you . Your kids will still have a dad , they can see him regularly , it doesnt sound like hes there much anyway. Have a read on the effects of emotional abuse on children .

Ive been where you are , and although it seems the hardest thing in the world to do , its entireley doable and ive never looked back. Do speak to womens aid and get some real life support.

Original poster
kookypooky · 08/03/2011 09:35

hes a driver , he will ahve drove part way to the job and parked up i would imagine.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 08/03/2011 09:39

Happy, the root of the problem isn't about who's contributing though. It's about her partner being a bullying twat. If she tries to make things more equal in this way, he'll just find something else to lord over her. It's about power, not money, as you said. The OP will never be equal in her partner's eyes, whatever she does.

dignified · 08/03/2011 09:42

Kooky this isnt about money , and it isnt about sex either . Even if you got a high paid job tomorrow and shagged him every day he would still be the same. Its about power and control .

Have you read anything about emotional abuse ? Theres plenty of good links that someone will probably link to. As someone else said this is probably contributing towards your sons difficultys. Men like this often undermine the mother and create divides within the family.

Original poster
kookypooky · 08/03/2011 09:45

whilst looking on the job site it did occur to me that actually that wouldnt fix things. At one time i had 4 cleaning jobs a few hours each whilst ds1 and ds2 were at school.
come the weekend i kept complaining that i was having to do EVERYTHING and clean up even tho i had done it all week and he said quit the jobs i would rather have you not moaning and doing our house.
so, maybe i cant win!

i have looked at things on here before about emotional abuse but i sort of felt like he wasnt as bad as that.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 08/03/2011 09:45

so you're in your mid-twenties now? That's a goodish age to start anew.

Can you act this week as if you have made up your mind to leave, move into council housing (if poss) train for something? Maybe at the end of the week you can imagine really doing it. It is daunting, a lot to find out and apply for and do but you are on your own during the school day so it is possible. The dc won't be small forever, if you have some kind of experience (unpaid internship etc, training, you may well find a decent steady job and get a bit of independence and a bit of a life back. Worth looking into

Or it can continue as it is until presumably dh leaves

and then where you are?

PeterAndreForPM · 08/03/2011 09:46

He has got so frustrated at the lack of sex over time that he has left me nasty notes calling me a bitch, drove off into the night , once he even had a wank into a pair of my knickers and left them on my cupboard for me to find . he thought that was a joke , i was horrified.

hat is one of the most disturbing things I have read on here

like an animal, marking his territory

I would end the relationship, just for that one disgusting and utterly disgusting incident calculated to demean you and dehumanise you. I am utterly shocked.

if you have dependent children living at home, you need to speak to the Benefits Ofiice, CAB, CSA and most importantly Womans Aid here to get help signposting you to the relevant agencies that cn help you

please seek advice in RL, you cannot live with an abuser like this, he can be made to leave. It may take a while, but he can...he is obliged to support you and your dc

Original poster
kookypooky · 08/03/2011 09:47

but then again im a right softie , i have a soft voice i am really small physically and i am quite timid in some situations. i do stand up to him though , thats why we row so much.
if i didnt , if i said nothing and was a complete doormat this house would be so peaceful.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 08/03/2011 09:48

sorry, my post was a bit jumbled, I couldn't type my disgust about him fast enough !

Original poster
kookypooky · 08/03/2011 09:48

no zen i am 35

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 08/03/2011 09:49

has he ever "accidentally" pushed or shoved you ?

let a door slam on you ?

thrown things ?

you sound fearful

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