school age kids but just one parent works ??

[kookypooky]

is anyone at home even though the children are older ?
i am not debating whether thats right or wrong .
i am at home, have only ever had cash in hand cleaning jobs since having children and now have no work at all.
Not saying its been impossible but
have had anxiety issues , health issues , a child with problems , dp works unpredictable and long hours and i have no family to be around for the children before or after school.

Thing is dp seems to think this gives him the right to lord it over me as it were. I get no say in finances and although if i really needed something there would be money for me i feel like i am treated like the underdog.

i booked driving lessons to try to improve my confidence , have been too scared for years. dp was not impressed he said i was putting extra financial pressure on him as they are expensive. That same week he asked me to try to not use the tumble dryer too much.
fast forward 2 weeks and he has gone out and bought himself a guitar for over a grand.

we are NOT well off , he earns about 20 000 per year. He has used his credit card.

give me your thoughts. are you at home whilst your dp works ?

Agree entirel with pag.

I am at home, as a carer. but DH sees that as part of a partnership: eventhough money is tight he willingly prioritises things like the money for me to study and and the time for me to be a person otehr than Mummy / service user's parent.

SAHM'dom works as part of a partnership, it also has the potential to magnify flaws that would only otherwise be small into huge issues and they should always be acted upon.

As your boys grow, they will pick up on their dads behaviour.... They may go on to teen years and start treating you the same way, and then girlfriends, your future grandchildren..... And on the cycle goes.

You will make yourself sick trying to correct all of it. The teen years are a shock. Believe me.

Give this some thought. Are your boys displaying their dads behaviour?

You were young, this is all you know. You have nothing to compare it to so are accepting. You are worth more you know!?

my 11 year old who has been suggested aspergers is becoming very much like his dad. His behaviour is very difficult .
He had some money for his birthday and wanted dp to take him to a shop to spend it on a VERY expensive parker pen. dp does go to alot of trouble and alot of effort for him he really does. takes him to work in the holidays and allsorts but, we had words because he was telling my son that he would take him but it was RIDICULOUS to spend so much on a pen, in a very animated way.

i said it was his money and he was doing no harm and saying that was really a bit of a put down for ds , hence another argument.

I have an 11 year old with AS too Kooky.

I am going to stick my neck out and say that some at least of what you say about your DH (eg buying expensive things but not allowing oyu otehr things) suggests there is a potential chance of your DP also having an ASD, or at least traits. It is after all often genetic (says the motehr of 2 ASD dx's kdis with a fair few traits herself!). How would you feel about that suggestion?

Was thinking that myself Scram.

Agree with you re:pen think it's quite sensible tbh? He's at an age where he'll use it a lot.

Hi scram , after reading on here about AS it did make me wonder and i even suggested it to dp which went down like a lead balloon of course.
i think whther its AS or bad behaviour they are both likely to have the same !
but then again ds2 could have learned behaviour from dp couldnt he or even an effect of our problems.

Pen sounds like a lovely idea, quite the sort of thing I could see ds1 buying tbh. usually beads (proud owner of a wannabe jewellery designer- lucky me!) but he likes his nice things.
And if he ahs bought it consider getting it engraved for him; far more likely to be handed back if lost that way.

Oh of course ds could have elarned behaviour or developed issues as an effect but ASD and specifically AS are carefully diagnosed; ahve you been given much info on the process?

Plenty of people have AS but refuse to accept it. An awful lot more of course have various traits and cannot see it. For a start, introspective skills are by default often limited within the spectrum.

Nonethless it's all signs I would say be very wary of and at the least look into getting support from eg relate (he woudln;t have to go) to get your thoughts in place.

today i get a text saying that i looked so beautiful last night as i slept that it made him feel ashamed of his bad behaviour towards me.

no idea what to say to that so havent replied.

heres the latest , i have posted on sn about ds2 today as i feel so stressed with what has happened with him since last night.

i spoke to dh on the phone and told him that ds2 was flipping out etc i i felt like i couldnt cope anymore .
hes just phoned to say he wont be home from work tonite, hes been asked to do a trip to scotland (hes a driver) he didnt have to do it.
he said ds2 could go with him but he knows i wouldnt want ds2 going so far away when hes like this. i told him how much i had hoped he would be home to help me.

heres how the next 2 text msgs went :

him- last chance to send ds2 with me

me - he didnt sleep last nite, hes too tired , mentally unstable and his jaws so inflamed he cant eat so its a stupid idea. i need a supportive person to give me a hug and tell me im doing ok and its going to be ok but sadly i cant have that. i dont have much money in the house either as you have it all in your wallet , you should be ashamed.

him - the boys have money, use that until tomorrow, how do u know its in my wallet ? u reap what u sow i told u i was a truck driver at the start.
i also told you i would work away if you stopped sex. and working away is only the start.

how the hell did i get here sad

good god - please leave this man. This abuse has been going on for too long now - this text is absolutely vile. I can see so much abuse in it - the accusation that you have been lookig in his wallet - the threats. Please - you know you would be better off in every way without him - secure, free - you could get benefits and he would HAVE TO give you money - this man is HORRIBLE.

DO not be hard on yourself for getting here - just stop wasting any more time. You are going to create an appalling lesson for your children - and listen, love, you have one life. Do not waste it. You can be anything, do anything.,

A good partner will share everything with you. I have all the pins for my DPs bank accoutns - he would give me his last tenner. and I work! I have my own income - yet you are dependent on this man - I shiver reading his cruelty to you.

I dont know you - but I wish I could send you through the internet the clarity and realisation that you can stop this situation - that your nice texts to him are wasted. He is a nasty controlling abuser and your life without him needs to start now.

there are so many wise women on here who can help with all the practicalities and be a support during the tough times...do it, for you and the kids. -+

You are suffering from financial abuse. and if he had his way, it would also be sexual abuse. I think you should contact a women's agency locally that can help you - look up your local women's aid and go and speak to someone while the children are at school.

Hi, again, sorry, I've just seen your messages about the two texts he's sent.

I will say even more strongly - he is abusing you. Certainly financially, and also emotionally.

You really, really do need to speak to someone that can help you, preferably face to face, at a women's aid centre.

i know you will all shout at me now , but part of me thinks, 'abuse' surely its not that extreme . maybe its wrong to be a one sided story ? not that i can actually think of anything too terrible i have said or done.

ignore me im so confused i have no idea anyway

Kooky, labels based on limited information might not reflect the whole of your experience, which is what you feel. I think that if this behaviour was the case with your partner from your first days together he wouldn't be your partner now. These patterns develop gradually. Makes them harder to spot when you're in the middle of it.

I think it would be a real shame if, having come here for support, you feel that you are being shouted at for not taking it all on board instantly.

But....Whatever you call it you are having a bad time at the hands of your partner who is trying on emotional blackmail over sex and witholding money from you while you have two children to look after. That's true, isn't it? That needs to stop. Only you can stop it.

I really think it is worth using your time while your partner is away arranging some locally based women's aid type advice. If you find them saying the same things as you have heard here, then you have your answer as to whether this is abuse. You will also know what support is available to you, so it makes sense to go.

Good luck.

yes true thanx

That is the idea - to confuse you and to doubt your own feelings and judgment here.

He has you in a cage of his own making which is what he wanted all along. You are being subjected to abuse in many forms here and what he has done to date is truly vile.

I would urge you to talk to Womens Aid as a matter of urgency. This is no life for you and your children to be witnessing.

Am reeling from this thread. To give you an idea of my situation, I have been a sahm for 6 1/2 years. As of September both my children are now in school.

I have a credit card in DH's name and I shop with that whether its for food, clothes for the children or myself and stuff for him.

I can spend what I want on it, it gets paid every month, I am not reckless with money or particularly materialistic. If I am spending something out of the ordinary (about to redecorate our son's bedroom) we just talk about it but I'm not asking his permission. It is our money.

If he made me beg/plead for money I couldn't be with someone that selfish.

The whole blackmailing you for sex is appalling. It is something a 15 year old would do. Amazing advice had already been given above my thread, I just wanted you to know a sahm with children in school situation.

Being able to do the school run and collect the children if they are poorly had allowed my DH to progress his career. It is a team effort, sounds cheesy but it is true.

Good luck.

Kooky, don't stop the driving lessons whatever you do. If you have to drop them for a while, take them up again.

Go to Women's Aid and see what help they can give you. They will listen to you and support you as you start to make plans for a new life for you and the DCs -- because the one you have is not going to get better. The kind of atmosphere you are describing is bad for the boys and I suspect they would improve greatly if you could all get away.

There's nothing I can add to what everyone has said here about the abuse you are suffering. Telling you how beautiful you looked when you were sleeping and then being mean to you is like a cat playing with a mouse. Very sad for you. You don't need black eyes or broken bones for treatment to qualify as abuse.

PS I think he bought the guitar to get back at you, same goes for what he said about using the dryer.

Wishing you courage and strength.

You are not a sponger, kooky, but you are dependent on him financially. It's just that your roles are different. You also sound as if you have a lot on your plate in other ways. This man sounds a bit of a s..t to me, tbh, and you may be better off out of the relationship anyway. Meanwhile, try to find ways to build your self-confidence (sorry if that sounds corny) by doing some voluntary work perhaps? Good luck.

OP It's clear that your partner isn't helping your confidence. Instead of knocking you he should be offering support to build your confidence up.

The flippant answer would be to leave him which i'm sure would boost your confidence then get a job and support yourself.

But nothings that easy hey.

I do think that there are a lot of men who didnt realise their partner had no intention of going back to work then when they realise they have a life ahead of them where every penny they earn has to be stretched to support 3 or 4 people, it's hard to feel happy with thie 'lot in life'

Does he agree that you shouldnt work? The reasons you give for not working don't give much info... if there are no real reasons for you not to work I feel that (particularly when your husband has a low salary) you do need to find a job really, you and yor children can't have a great standard of living...

Do you think a job would boost your confidence? what do your RL friends think?

I agree with pag watch, i am a sham and my lo is 11 oh works but ...... I am in charge of the money my oh only ever buys beer
And lunch so inside any week he only ever needs about £20

Are rule is anything over £100 we need to consult each other

shit only read OP, why do I do that??!! sorry.

Having now read it properly I am sorry for my initial advice

Kooky sex and money are not related to each other.. you shouldnt feel like a sponger for taking money and not giving sex... that's just not how relationships function.

There is no way this relationship is working for anyone. Why is he going away because he's not getting sex? Does he mean he's going away to get sex elsewhere? Or that if there's no sex there's no point being home?

Either way, why is this about what he's getting...? what are you getting? He may be putting in the money (barely) but that's not enough. There is always an emotional bank account as well as an actual one. He putting nothing in tot hat and taking an awful lot out.

If this was a normal relationship you would want to have sex with him. Sex isnt a reward for a man when he's good or nice. It's what two people do toegther to give and receive pleassure in equal measures...

On the matter of work, I do agree it seems you have a lot on your plate but I also think that working would give you a huge confidence boost.