school age kids but just one parent works ??

[kookypooky]

is anyone at home even though the children are older ?
i am not debating whether thats right or wrong .
i am at home, have only ever had cash in hand cleaning jobs since having children and now have no work at all.
Not saying its been impossible but
have had anxiety issues , health issues , a child with problems , dp works unpredictable and long hours and i have no family to be around for the children before or after school.

Thing is dp seems to think this gives him the right to lord it over me as it were. I get no say in finances and although if i really needed something there would be money for me i feel like i am treated like the underdog.

i booked driving lessons to try to improve my confidence , have been too scared for years. dp was not impressed he said i was putting extra financial pressure on him as they are expensive. That same week he asked me to try to not use the tumble dryer too much.
fast forward 2 weeks and he has gone out and bought himself a guitar for over a grand.

we are NOT well off , he earns about 20 000 per year. He has used his credit card.

give me your thoughts. are you at home whilst your dp works ?

i know it disgusted me although he reckoned that once he realised how much it had upset me he was truly sorry . he said he really didnt think it was so bad.
i think its bad.
thankfully never happened again and that was a couple of years ago.

at christmas we had sex (well not intercourse but u know)as he seemed to be making an effort to fix things but then there was an argument about something and he went ott told me if i didnt like what he was sayin (cant remeber what the row was now) there was the door and called me an idiot etc
i took offence , things went downhill again and we havent had sex since.

same scenario EVERY time. He tries to change , i try to change, he cant change.

Nottired , women dont usually like to have sex with men who emotionally abuse them or try to blackmail them into having sex they dont want , or treat them like a personal skivvy.

Hes hard to get on with he does things that leave me agape...er why ?? kinda thing.
i mean we bought valentines cards for 10 years and then one year after we had actually been getting on ok for a bit he just didnt buy one. Never said anything and couldnt understand why i was upset. i ahd bought him a present he threw it back at me and said he didnt wanty it very nastily, i was confused.
later he said he was sorry and had felt bad thats why hed chucked the present.
he hadnt forgotton valentines hed just decided not to bother.
bit like when he arranged to meet up with a mate on mothers day once. anolther year i am covered in presents and taken out.

Why are you not married after being together for so long? Was that a mutual decision, or was it his decision not to make the commitment, and you just had to go along with it?

thankyou dignified. i have had sex with him before to keep things sweet. the fact that my boys have to put up with a frosty atmosphere alot really really upsets me.

kookypooky - if you are looking after the children and especially your ds2 with special needs then you are doing more than your fair share of "work", doesn't your dp realise how much it would cost to organise childcare, apart from the fact that you are the children's mother and so support them emotionally as well as practically...
those posters who say that your dp is suffering in this relationship because of the no sex thing are seriously barking up the wrong tree... surely consenting sex takes place between two adults who value each other, and are supportive, loving a kind - why should kooky sleep with someone who calls her an idiot / bitch just for starters, let alone all the other stuff...
kooky, your dp thinks that earning the "money" gives him the right to behave in this way, I think he sounds immature, emotionally under-developed and not very intelligent...
it may be that your relationship has reached an impasse but then this should be discussed neutrallyl... I know this is much easier said then done as have lots of problems with my own dh and it is hard to discuss things like this where so much (ie. kids) is at stake...

it was mutual. i instigated an engagement not long after we got together but i stopped wearing the ring after he had really upset once.
Years ago he was in a band and that came first, he said that if he was offered a contract which was looking likely at the time he would rather go away with the band , he would choose the band over us.

He isnt aas bad now aas he was when he was young i suppose. he says that i cant let go of the things hes said in the the past but i feel thats because hes still doing it noe just in a lesser way , sort of. maybe im not making sense here!

when he does want to try and get things going better he keeps saying how beautiful i am , how much he loves me etc but i then feel that its not genuine because we could have a row later and he could be extremely hurtful.
i dont call him names btw i try to stick to the point.

His behaviour , and his sexual bullying have contributed to you not wanting sex with him. I assume youve told him this yet hes continued , its now a stick to beat you with and its not an accidant , its yet another tactic these abusers employ . No doubt your " frigid " or theres something wrong with you.

Like the rest of us i assume you would much rather have a enjoyable satistying sex life and hes sabotaged that and blames you.

Hes a shit dad Kooky , your lads shouldnt have to grow up in a frosty atmosphere because their dad thinks he should be able to fuck on their mum whenever he feels like it.

Within a couple of months you could be in your own place , free from his bullshit and start enjoying your life again , you really dont have to put up with this crap. You could be driving , be at college , going out with freinds ect. I know you say your son will be devestated ect , but tough. Hes a kid and he doesnt know whats good for him and you do .Dont let any guilt about the kids stop you from walking away .

With regards to your financial situation I can completely understand how you feel OP.

I am currently a SAHM with a 5 yo, 3 yo and baby.
I don't work at the moment mainly because of childcare issues.
I pay the rent and council tax out of my child benefit and tax credits leaving me hardly anything which gets spent on bread, milk etc.

DP pays the other bills and that's it. I have no idea exactly how much money he brings home every month - it's not a massive amount but he certainly has more money than me. He never gives me any other money and I don't ask as he'll only want me to account for where the rest of my monthly money has gone.
Instead I sell my DC's clothes on ebay to fund treats for my kids - new (secondhand) clothes and the occasional bottle of wine for me.

I have no idea where his money goes. I had to sell vouchers given to me by my family at xmas on ebay in order to pay the council tax as I'd overspent on the DC's presents.

It isn't right what your DP is doing and it isn't right what my DP does to me. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you're not the only one.

Wow I wrote a reply and then read more of the thread and decided it was inappropriate. You poor thing, this sounds awful, he is abusing you and you need to find some way of getting help.

I hope you can fnd your way through this.

Are you reading what you're typing? It's shocking

dignified your so right. i so appreciate all the advice.
i am scared for my son. He was in a bad way , talking suicidal and stuff. we are waiting for camhs and school have mentioned aspergers. he has calmed down a bit since starting a new school 2 weeks ago. If i walk away i could make things worse for him

he is hard for me to deal with already.

I am off to collect some books for him now for his school project and do some shopping will be back on mumnet later.
i really do appreciate the help thankyou.

Hi KP, I agree totally with dignified, your DP (so-called) is abusing you emotionally. It sounds as if he thinks he owns you and that he's living in a different era when men regarded their wives as property and demanded sex etc.

You sound like an amazing mum, your boys are so fortunate to have you :) I don't agree that if you walk away from this abuse that you'll make things worse for DS2, in fact I think you'll make it better. My marriage broke down 4 years ago when DD was 7, it was emotionally abusive too, though not nearly as serious as the situation you're in. DD has sailed through it and is a happy and well-adjusted 11 year old.

And financially you should be well-supported and surely no worse off than you are now. He sounds like a truly awful man and you're plenty young enough to make a fresh start. 17 is awfully young to meet the person to spend your life with :(

You wont be making things worse for him Kooky . Hes currently living with an abusive father and a downtrodden unhappy mother . Hes learning that men come first and women are there to skivvy and dont matter. Hes probably going without financially while his dad spends money on himself. He will know his family arent happy and he might even blame himself.

He might activeley have to behave in an extreme manner to get attention as often these men ensure the house revolves around them. Either way , the effects on children who witness their mother being emotionally abused are quite devestating .

When was the last time you laughed Kooky ? And i mean really laughed till your tummy hurt ? When did you last feel at ease with yourself or really look forward to something ? Life is too short for this bollocks , you owe this man nothing , and your kids everything .

I said this on another thread and ill say it here too. My life was like yours when my dcs were small. It was miserable , and i remember thinking it must be me , everything was such a slog. I recall going out and seeing other familys laughing and joking while we sat in a frosty atmosphere. It was awful.The kids were grumpy and miserable and everything was so hard.

I kicked my abusive ex out , but my dcs were older . They are away at uni now and those days that should have been fun are over , they are gone and i wont get them back , i hate him , and myself for that sometimes , i feel robbed . They had a right to grow up in a happy safe enviroment and they didnt get that .

Your dcs are not yours for keeps , they are only on loan to you. Its your job to teach them the right way , to arm them with the tools they will need to make the right choices later in life . You cannot do that with this arsehole around .

Make some loveley memories , enjoy your time with them , youve not got long , they could well be living away from home at 18 or even younger. These really should be the best days of your , and theirs lives .

Are you going to think about leaving?

What problems are you having with DS2?

Kooky you say your son would probably want to live with his dad , thats not unusual ,kids often admire the person who always gets his own way, and they often hear the shouting and presume the person whos being shouted at has done something wrong.In my house i was the enemy , the person who enforced rules ect while arseole undermined me and tried to be the fun cool parent. Not nice but totally fixable.

I spoke to womens aid who put me in touch with a local womens centre , it was just a little house tucked away . They offered counselling for kids if required and every type of help and support available. Forget the idea of sitting in an office with a desk and imagine sitting in someones cosy front room and having brews while chatting to ssomeone who really gets what your saying. Well worth a call.

Spend some time thinking about your dreams from when you were younger Kooky. What did you want to do ? Whatever those hopes and dreams were they are still acheivable , you could have a degree in a few years and the job of your dreams .Its not too late.

And think about this , if your son went to a freinds house for tea and was exposed to shouting and a horrible atmosphere you would probably hit the roof and not allow him to go again. Just cos its his ad doing it doesnt make it ok.

kookypooky I have never been so shocked on mumsnet as I am reading this now. What your partner is doing is abuse. The knicker incident is utterly, totallly disgusting. He is showing you complete disrespect, no, he is showing you hatred.

Just imagine, a little flat, you and the dc, a calm and cosy atmosphere, what money you have is yours, to do with as you decide. Sleeping the sleep of the innocent. Free to go where you please, when you please. Free to meet someone who worships you. Free.

Please get some legal advice. At the very least he must maintain the children. Call the council, and womans aid. This relationship is over, and has been for some time. Your son will thank you for it one day. Trust me.

go to the "Survivors Handbook" Page on the Womens Aid site here

it gives no-nonsense practical advice on money, housing and how to access support

thankyou all . i will look into all the suggestions.
i did not really expect so many to tell me it was abuse.
Maybe if i told you some of the nice things he does / has done you may not i dont know. i hope i havent explained this wrong.
i have been confused for the longest time.
when i met him at 17 i couldnt wait to move in with him and did so 6 months later .I hadnt lived .
I didnt really know what i wanted in life except a lovely family 2.4 kids .
I am quite particular about how i wanted them brought up , my mum wasnt wealthy but intelligent , kind , good morals and being a good polite well mannered person was important.
dp on the other hand was born to a 15 year old in an alcoholic physically abusive relationship.
You can imagine the conflicts weve had over bringing up the boys.
what a mess

btw im not saying you cant be a good parent if yours werent just that dp has been affected by his i think.

It doesnt matter if he buys you diamonds and whisks you away to the tropics , it doesnt cancel out all the shit things he does .

You might feel that you want to try to repair this , in which case you will need to seek out some counselling for yourself ( not him ).You might want to leave but be too scared to take that step just yet. You might do it "one day " when it gets "bad enough".

Either way its good that your now questioning this. Arm yourself with as much knowledge as possible , theres various sites , books , all that will help you to understand whats happening and why. Ultimateley its nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. If and when you do decide to call it quits there is loads of support available to you.

I'm not sure what I find more horrifying here; the emotional, financial and sexual abuse this man is subjecting you to, or the number of posters defending him.

Leave him OP. You're stronger than you think. If you don't change things, things will never change. Please, find yourself a happy fulfilling life as soon as you can. Far, far away from your partner.

How can some posters say the OP was being unreasonable to want driving lessons from 'his' money but not comment on him spending £1000 on a guitar!?!?!

When one parent stays at home to enable the other's work pattern, any money earned is joint income. If either partner doesn't like the arrangement, they should discuss it like adults and come to a mutually satisfying solution. No human being has the right to keep another in a situation of domestic slavery.