Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.3

[Teaandcakeplease]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings. Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

Morning everyone

Maybee yesterday was bound to be emotional and dc antics added into the mix as well ??!! When do you actually move ?

Patience what a nightmare re broadband although it is increasing your exposure to BT engineers...

Starting it sounds like your xh has gone a long way to sort himself out at some levels although its funny he doesnt sem to have realised the pursuit of money hasnt made him happy in life so far. The call from dentist is weird and yes can only be one of the 2 reasons you cite.

Well I am determined to try and get my head together a bit today and come out of this mental lethargy I seem to have sunk into. I was reading a thread last night about all the things that dhs do that arent very nice and there were a fair few there that could have applied to me. But they dont anymore

The sun is shining and I am going to ignore how flat I feel and put a bit of make up on and just fake it. The dc are with xh this weekend and I have some nice plans so I am going to get back to that living in the moment and appreciating what I have

Back later waves to all

Starting, get yourself a dog . I'm eating like a pig atm (M & S barbecue crisps in bulk) but I walk a lot of it off with Wallace. I'm desperate for a box of Krispy Kremes. I think about them every day...

I'm doing my usual late night lurk then fall asleep before I can post habit but it's good to hear that some things are going well for some of us. Getting, so exciting about the house. Fingers crossed for you. Mumfun, great news about the job.

I'm having major problems just getting XP to agree to meet to talk about finances. He won't even be pinned down on a date to talk. He says 'I can't at the moment' so I say 'do you mean you can't do it today or in general?' and he replies 'I don't know' and so it goes on. We swing from being fairly amicable to downright nasty and I know if I involve a solicitor he is going to get very difficult. I am now considering trying to approach it all by email but that is going to take forever and I just want it sorted. It is absolutely typical of his behaviour, the 'let it drift' or 'wait and see what happens if I do nothing' approach. He applies this to every aspect of his life: he let the affair drift on; he never bothered to tell me he was with someone else for nearly 3 years; he never pays his credit cards, just the minimum; he has never applied for a new job since age 18 - always gets moved, transferred etc. Unless things reach crisis point he will ignore even really serious problems. It reminds me of why I felt so resentful of him at times. He relied so heavily on me to keep things ticking over when we were together and even now, he's still doing it.

Sorry for the moan. I feel like the needle's stuck on this one. I know what I have to do. I have to go to a solicitor even if it's just to send him a stern letter.

Hope everyone's ok.

Waves to everyone, elsie mine is the same .if he has money we get paid ,if not we don't ,but he just bumbles along.NEVER thought it would come to this ,oh well.had a lovely romantic dream,makes a change.bought the kids an indoor basketball net.up at 7 to shoot hoops .
Getting bt man doing the hand on the wall leaning in,while talking to me yesterday ha ha ha x

Hi just quickly. I appreciate all advice re H - know youre right but I have another agenda atm which I need to sort out first. Not telling him re job no chance.

Starting - dentist thing made me laugh - my opinion is the 3rd more likely option that he fancies you (also possible if your dentist is female). Much more likely to phone because of that IMHO :)

Maybee - sorry for a botched emotional day. And sorry re the DSs playing up. In reality they will be so much happier with the reliable love and affection they will get living near your extended family. Just think of that long term.

Laughing at all the eating - went through that phase recently but seeem to have snapped out of it for now - just as well as clothes were coming under strain :)

Elsie - trying to get men to do anything! - I think its a universal problem. But I so understand you wanting to get it sorted. And being careful about it is good.And the alternative childcare plan is also good. You'll get there!

Patience - laughing re the BT engineers. Ive had an on off problem for a few years with phone lines in this house and had some phases of a lot of BT man contact. And a lot of them are very nice :)

Getting sorry re the lethargy - maybe think about a new thing youd like to take up - or an interest youve let slide that you could start again! Recommend zumba class if you have any near you!

Starting -cant believe how far youve come with XH - amazing and more power to you.

Goo glad youve managed to do something right with demon head- and glad re lovely Dad chat - do it more often I would say! Thats one good thing from all my mess is that I chat to lovely relatives more often and have got closer to some

Im really wanting to escape to Scotland this summer -definitely in my plans!

Other than that a loveky dday. LOtss of work and housework to do. Have a good day everyone!

Good morning everyone, and thanks for all the encouraging words.
A brighter day in Glasgow today.
I've just been to ds1's school with sweeties and fizzy drinks to share out at golden time as it is his last full day. He leaves on Monday with my mum and brother and ds2. I follow on Wednesday. The teachers were lovely at the school. But there's something about schools and nurseries, I don't know what or why but they make me v nervous as if i'm 5 again. Anyway I'm all weepy today again and I thought i'd escaped all that and could just be pragmatic now about going. Part of me is v attached to Glasgow, soulful, friendly, funny city so if I have time I want to wander round the west end one last time before I go. I'm not that attached to the suburbs out here but as the house gets emptier and emptier and i shove things into boxes. I remember all the hopes i had for our life here as a family and all the diy we've done. I also brought 2 of our babies back here and I truly believed that we'd got it right this time. So the age old question is hammering round in my head again. 'Why the hell was it all not enough for X?' I thought we had so much. Anyway it will get better.
ds1 was his cheerful cheeky self this morning again and I suppose I will have to stop hovering around him so much.
Getting I like your plan for the weekend I think I'll copy it.
Starting you seem to have made a lot of progress with x and that is so good.
mumfun scotland is fab i hope you do make it over this summer
Patience hope you have a laugh with those BT men! Shooting hopes sounds fun.
Elsie I appreciate your frustration I still can't discuss finances with my x either and i'm leaving on Wednesday so at this stage I don't even know when we'll have the conversation.
Googs i'm glad you have such a supportive dad he sounds lovely.
Right everyone I need to get on with me fecking packing.
Take care.
xxx

Patience I meant shooting hoops -shooting hopes sounds awful must be my mood today!

Well, I've just spent an hour on the phone listening to my good friend. Her first H ran off with OW leaving her with very sick newborn who required open heart surgery . Second H (her soulmate) committed suicide less than 3 years ago . Since then she has lurched from one deadbeat relationship to another, finally settling for a waster who went bankrupt about 3 months after they met. She now has the insolvency court chasing her for his debts (complicated) and he is now having a 'breakdown' so has gone to live with his drug-dealing brother to 'sort his head out' . At this very moment my friend is sitting outside his ex-wife's house while a decision is made about whether to press charges against her for attacking their teenage daughter last night - police and social services already involved. And that is just the latest instalment in her chaotic life .

Thank goodness I'm me, I'm single and the sun is shining . Feel so terribly sorry for my friend.

XP won't return my calls. My new window cleaner failed to turn up between 9-10am as promised and I am so fed up of window cleaners coming once or twice then disappearing. This morning, I even told the dog I should have got a bitch when he got stuck between 2 fences in the no-mans land at the bottom of our park . Ah well, at least he's castrated so I'll let him off . He can't go round humping and apparently he should be better behaved. If it could be shown that the same applied to male humans I would set up a charity to promote mass male castration and I'm pretty it would prove to be a worthy cause with lots of support .

Oh Maybee, such an emotional time. And the future seems so huge, empty and frightening at times like these. Lean on your lovely family. Glasgow isn't going anywhere. It will always be there if you choose to come back. And that is the great thing: you can choose what you want to do, especially as the dc get older. I asked ds age 10 this morning if we should sell the house, quit school/work and travel the world for a few years until the money runs out . But we'll have no money left and then what will happen, he replied. I told him he was way to sensible and boring for age 10 but he knew it was a joke . But then again, maybe...

Maybee big hugs 2u.
If its any consolation I think the family life was enough for them but for a very short period of time they get distracted as they move into middle age.I think they go through a stage of not feeling the joy that they have.they get a bit disconnected and grab at a hedonistic quick fix .if they had dug deep emotionally and spiritually they may have found out really what was missing,they chose not too.luckily we found out out what they were up to.did anyone on this thread actually get told by their partner about ow .the majority of us found out our husbands were lying about their lifestyle with or without ow.just a major self entitlement rule they have to entertain themselves without us in tow.I don't want second best .my X was too greedy,I don't need the lies in my life anymore,I want a man that loves spending time with me .I will be single til I meet him x

I think loads of married men go through this phase but just don't get caught and its a bit of a wake up for them when they find out the grass isn't greener.or they move onto another affair ,then another,becoming more disconnected from his wife who is still ironing his shirt and making his meals.too weak to get a divorce,too lazy to find his own accomodation and too greedy to pay for his kids upkeep.
I know if this hadn't happened to me I wouldn't have changed my attitude to men and relationships I would have stayed the same thought I was living the fairytale and my X was my prince.I think there is more to my life than that and I think my kids will benefit from being with me on my journey.

So right patience

The bit about ironing shirts made me nod - after all the crap Tossbag has put me through, all the cruel remarks and disgraceful treatment. The ironing still makes me cross!

The idea that I would get up every bloody morning EARLY to iron his work stuff...and him watching and letting me do it...and he would take it off me..thank me kindly and wear it when he was seeing the bloody OW in the office!

still get's my goat now!

Strange, how the little things still manage to wind me up!

They have the girls this weekend - so I'm off for an adult weekend. Which sounds saucy...but of course I don't mean it that way. Mind you.. a little bit of sauciness is nice for a dumpling.

Will check in ladies - to revel in your fabulousness. Chin Chin

Cheers Kate

Am happy to report never ironed a single work shirt in 17 years [dont do ironing emoticon]. DD does the ironing I taught her shortly after xh left

Elsie sorry your friend is having such a crap time. Its hard to know how to put a rocket up xps bum , the problem is partly that theres nothing in it for him I suppose ?

Starting hmm yes hadnt thought of the fancying you angle...is it a he or she ?

Mumfun loving your long posts and regular posting

Maybee not long now..

So fabulousity has been rediscovered today after the last few weeks of dont know what. I have got lots of small niggling jobs out of the way and did almost 3 hours at maths today. Being busy is great for me but I just havent been able to fire myself up lately.

Off to a friends shortly and have a lovely weekend ahead. Its taken this long but shame on me I love my dc free time, they were annoying me a bit before xh arrived and I thought ha five minutes and then 48 hours peace and do what I like.

Back to feeling excited about my new house and the whole fresh start that we will have. Everything will be how I want and it will all be different

What sort of weekends do others have planned ? Offschool if you are lurking I hope you are ok and waves to all other dumplings

in hand now, waiting for lovely dp to arrive with take out.

Kate wanted to acknowledge your ironing feelings.

I too ironed shirts, usually 10 per week, one each day freshly ironed for the office and one taken in brief case or suit carrier for evening, supposedly for entertaining clients or members of his team.

However it was one particular member of the team he wined and dined and shagged for 3 years (alledgedly, I suspect longer).

Can't believe all those shirts ironed with precision were lying on her bedroom floor no doubt. Well she's welcome to them, he never ironed a thing in 25 years so can't imagine him doing it. Although he's started pushing a supermarket trolley, 'women's work' he used to call it, according to the DC.

Hey, Getting! Another fellow member of the "if it needs ironing, don't buy it" club. That has been one of my shopping mottos for many years. The only thing I ever iron is the border of my oxford pillowcase . Why, I don't know because no other bugger is going to see it. I have perfected the technique of washer to drier to hanger with minimal creases backed up with the excuse of it got creased in the car . My friend used to iron the collar and six inches width at the front of shirts and tell her DH to keep his jacket on or finish the job himself .

Wish I'd thought of that Elsie

ET, lol at your friend ironing front of shirts only . In the earlier years of our marriage I also ironed approx 10-14 shirts a week as xh (christ just typed dh there & quickly deleted it used to wear two shirts most days. I then got more sense & used to send the lot to dry cleaners. To be fair xh was always giving out to me for not sending them to dry cleaners so it was my own fault. I can still feel physically sick at thought of how much money we spent on dry cleaners bill each week . Anyway, I'm like you ET in that I have perfected the technique of washing machine to dryer to hanger.

Party hope you have a lovely night with new man

Getting, glad you have rediscovered your fabulosity . My weekend will involve getting up at about 7 tomorrow to bring dd to a drama competition, then onto a different drama event for same dd, probably some cleaning & deffinately lots of college work!!

Kate, am very of your adult weekend! Am even more if it involves lots of sex with NM

Patience, grass deffinately not greener for men who walk out on their families. I'm still liking your description of sitting on the side of the road, scratching their heads & wondering wft they did

Maybee, I'm loving shooting hopes, I much prefer it to shooting hoops & think we all need to shoot a few hopes on this thread . Hope you had a productive day packing today.

Mumfun, I'm glad you are being cautious & protecting yourself by not making a full disclosure to H. However, I know things are never black or white & none of us really knows the exact nature of another persons situation or what is the right path for them. Thinking of you & hope things continue to go well for you. Must point out that you are way off the mark about dentist fancying me . He's in his sixties & refers to me "a good girl for being so brave" while he's doing any work on my teeth . Was telling my sister today & she said "you can take it from that phonecall that he now realises he treated the wrong tooth!!". I told her about my idea about positive visualisation to heal my teeth & she said "ok, why don't you visualise for next few days & then when that doesn't work just go to the specialist next week & be done with it" . I love my sister's no crap approach she's far more abrupt then me whereas I'm more the people pleasing type!

Back home from dance show ,dd was a total star !
Great to see her up on the stage bursting with fabulosity after the year she's had .back again tomorrow x

Ah Patience, that is fantastic to hear . Hope you have given yourself plenty of credit for getting dd to where she is now all on your own & under v traumatic circumstances

My weekend is dance show tomorrow,Sunday goodness knows tbh.perhaps involves tying down a trampoline ,church and a 5 yo party, depends what X ends up doing.

Starting I had to sit with Ds 5 yo through the show,he said to me ,in the middle of the classical ballet ,(teen girls doin point work ),"mummy can I just do a bit of running round the hall ?"

Ah Patience, what a well behaved boy for asking you first! Your dc sound ace .

Patience, if you ever get to visit me then I think your ds & mine will hit it off great

LOL starting,thanks Elsie,
Dd never talks to her daddy on the phone.loves it when he visits but never on the phone.she left him a big voicemail at 6 pm all about her show.he didn't get in touch all day.I feel sad for my kids that their father is acting this way but I know I need to stay positive,to keep this show on the road.I hope one day he will give his children love and support day to day.

Patience, hang in there. I used to have that awful sadness for my dc's too. As you know things have improved for me but saying that I take it day by day & have no idea what tomorrow might bring with xh but I do know regardless of what happens I will do my best to create a happy peaceful childhood for my dc's. I also know that sad and all that it might have been for my dc's over the past two years when the saw so little of xh that it was the best thing for them as he was toxic & had nothing positive to bring into their lives. ((Hugs))

Elsie love your friend ironing a strip of shirt

Patience thats fab and Starting is right you can credit yourself with getting dd to here. I think I remember you asking xh ages ago if he wanted to attend the show and now he doesnt reply to her phone call. Some men would give their eye teeth to have that sort of invite into their dcs world .

Starting your sisters comment made me laugh , maybe you should just book with the specialist. Hope your dd has a successful drama weekend too

Kate enjoy the saucy weekend

Really looking forward to today , off to London to meet a lovely friend going to a museum then a film later and I cant wait. Its funny theres so much talk about men and dates atm , my cousin is on dating sites met someone tuesday for a drink and will be bedding them tonight at hers , but I just cant seem to muster interest my day ahead seems more appealing than b eing stuck with some bloke.

Last night I was thinking about the years of sitting at home in the evenings by myself and of the general neglect of me from xh. How I have been single for almost 15 months but it feels like a lot lot longer because of his disinterest in me. It does worry me a bit than when I do decide I would like a man that it will hit me very hard and also that I will be sooo much older than when I was last looking for love. I can see why xh took the more convienient route of taking up with the person who pulled his pints for him. I need a puppy man Starting but sadly thers nobody suitable

Have lovely days everyone