Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.3

[Teaandcakeplease]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings. Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

Reading feel the fear and do it anyway Susan jeffers,definately helps with letting go of the blame and anger towards X.recommend it if u feel resentment is holding u back from moving on with peace.

What I found was my X couldn't communicate with me when I was angry.since I have lost the anger we can talk.this doesn't mean I didn't have the right to be angry,just I would have crippled myself if I had kept blaming him.I have the power to become positive .

Hi everyone

Another sunny day here. Still not in great place but wont now see H for several days so will be calm!

Tea Just loving the frozen pheasant flinging - just imagining who you could have walloped with it - could you have got your XH on the way! Please dont say you feel shame - nothing to be ashamed about - it will fade dont worry - the magic solution TIME as usual.

PT -good to hear from you - give us an update where you are!?

Patience - love your fighting talk!

Getting - glad your survey is good. And yes can identify with your feelings - why cant you just put them in their place? You will given time. Lovely story -a good friend was once married to a guy (far out cousin ! )who cheated on her and she split with him many years ago. She then remarried very happily. A relative then died and she went to the funeral - she was late and was put in a seat at the back - and next to her former husband. And she said she felt nothing at all!!!!!!!

Sov youre right about the good times being the ones that cause pain! Hope you've turned the corner.

MB glad you met with the girls and glad your working thru your move alongsside all the emotions! Good youve got the support to go to!

Kate - good to hear aboit a good new man! And glad youve put X in his place with niceness

Goo -youre going to be a right traveller over the year! Glad you had some lovely positive feedback from a friend!

One of the things I struggle with was that in my relationship with H pre children it was really really happy - doesnt feel like there were bad times. He was very independent -so was I. So I kind of feel I have a golden age to look back on -H honestly never did a bad thing to anyone. The change is just very hard. But now he feels he is being good again - given up OW, trying to see kids - but theres still huge problems underneath with basically being f*ed up by stuff learnt from parents. Urghhhhhh drives me nuts. So near but yet so far.

I also strugglee with the losses upon losses I have due to his behaviour -and not mine.

Hi everyone, I'm rushing out to collect ds but wanted to post some great news. You might remember wks ago that I posted about meeting an old friend who was going through a horrific situation involving one of her dc. Well the situation is now resolved. I'm sorry I'm being so evasive but this is not my story to tell & if I give further details it would identify the person involved. But this is something huge, my friend has had mts of hell & it could have ended in tragedy so this is really fantastic news

Fantastic news starting,especially with a young person involved.

Aww glad Starting -the relief must be huge. Waves nice to see you and hope youre getting the sun and warmth too!

Hi to everyone else. Anyone any word from WQ or Chairmum?

Mf big hugs so much I can identify with.thinking of u mate x

We did get snow btw blue skies ,hills look lovely !
Mf ur always welcome to climb a hill here when u can make it.

MF you asked for an update, here it is.

Divorce on hold as financial disagreements need sorting. My ex will support the DC no problems but will not pay me maintenance to the level that allows me to live reasonably. He earns well over six figures plus OW earns a good wack too. I am on part time hours, no chances of increasing and low pay, but I love my job and I'm good at it.

So it is a constant round of fall outs, discussion, with or without solicitors in the room. He is so difficult, he doesn't accept that if I take him to court he will be a lot worse off than if he agrees to pay what I have asked for.

I'm still in FH, although it's still for sale, has been for a year now. This is fine, I love the house but couldn't possibly keep it on myself. But I do feel that once it sells it will be the start of the end of this horrible period in my life. I just hate the uncertainty of it all.

I have a good social life with lots of friends, nights out, my DC get home as often as their studies allow and I visit them. Sadly my family live about 150 miles away so I don't see them too often but we speak on the phone.

My lovely new man, been seeing him since June, is wonderful most times, but he has his moments too. He is dealing with his ex and DC, business, etc, he's a busy man. I see him about 3 nights a week, we have a lovely time, I wish it were more but his life doesn't allow this at the moment.

On the whole things are good but I do miss my old life terribly. I miss someone coming home in the evening, having someone to go out for the day with on a weekend. I feel sad that my DC will not have both their parents, as a couple, at their graduation, weddings, for their children as grandparents, the way that my parents were. I'm not saying that the alternative won't be a pleasure but it's hard.

My ex and his OW are moving to their first jointly owned home, another step for them. My DC want absolutely nothing to do with OW and I can understand this. I must point out that I've not prompted this. So their relationship with their Dad will never be as he hopes. It's all so sad.

Anyway, my new DP, I need to find him a nickname for on here, is coming over tonight. I really look forward to seeing him, he makes my bad days brighter.

Yep its the uncertainty that brings the stress pt ,buy ultimately the liberty u get from the divorce will empower u ,push u out ur comfort zone and allow u to detatch from ur X.

Mumfun sorry to hear all that. Would you ever think of initiating drawing a line and deciding to end things ? Enjoy a breather for a few days

Starting its lovely when friends get good news isnt it

Party I think I read a few posts of yours when I joined last June but not since. I am about to leave my beautiful family home and the dc asked me the other day if I won the lottery would I stay or move anyway. No doubt about it I would stay but as I cant I want to be gone asap now and I anticipate a further leap in detachment. How frustrating that your ex wont see that he is better off under an agreement made between you . Doesnt his solicitor point that out to him ? Luckily we agreed terms without too much legal intervention which is fair on us both although needless to say xh has often said he thinks its vastly superior to anything I would of been awarded by a court. It isnt.

Wouldnt it be great if the hand of the almighty could just reach down and point at these twunts and say the truth incontrovertibly so that they were left speechless and having to take it without all the bullshit and bluster we have to listen to

getting,
U know the truth,infact the only 2 people that know the truth are the 2 involved.everyone else just hears bullshit and hearsay.from what u said about ur Xs drinking he wouldn't have remembered much of what went on the previous year b4 the split,so really like my own situation ,only one person knows the truth U .
I empathise very much re moving house It is a very emotional time ,but if u can stop blaming ur X it will bring u great freedom.Uv got ur health ,2 fab kids a lovely house to move to ,life is good.u have also got rid of a bloke u don't want to be with.and he is coughing up financially.all these things are positives .blame and anger will suck u dry emotionally if u allow them to consume u.
remember the short version of the serenity prayer .....fuck em !

Patience I know and appreciate the empathy x

I know u know getting. this is only temporary,i felt like I had to blame him for my life going tits up.but its only since I have lost those black feelings 4 him that I have found any kind of peace.I wouldn't want him back ,he made his choices,he chose to leave.

patience wish I could get to that point. I don't feel I can until ex sorts out the finances, the house sells, I have some security and a life again with out worry.

But am I pissed off now? You bet.

My lovely new DP, who I was earlier saying that I looked forward to seeing tonight, has just txt to say he can't make it as has to taxi one of his DC somewhere. Then he's off to football with other of his DC.

I knew about the footy so was expecting him about 8.30ish. But the taxiing of the other!! I know he does it to help out he is a good dad, but sometimes I wish he'd say no.

Am I being selfish or is it just disappointment as I was looking forward to seeing him?

Patience I do blame my ex for my life going tits up, I didn't force him to shag his work colleague for 3 years behind my back, nor did I throw him out, he chose to leave, he chose OW, he choses to keep me short of money and he choses to drag his feet over the settlement.

I would never have him back, I have lost all respect and trust in him. On occasions I wish him well in his new life and hope that one day we can have a civil relationship.

But I blame him for all my anxiety, worry, sadness, loneliness.

He wrecked our marriage, he says this himself, he places no blame on me at all.

Ok pt,I am not of the opinion when I write this that ur feelings are unjustified.but I have read end the struggle and dance with life by Susan jeffers and now I am reading feel the fear and do it anyway.
It makes u look at life in a different way eg chances are ur house will sell u won't be homeless and u will be awarded a financial settlement.not invalidating ur feelings over this just saying we can give a lot of time and effort to worry and often it is unfounded.if ur lifestyle crashes big time ,surely it is better to enjoy it now,eg another spring in ur garden.
Anyway Susan would see blame as a negative feeling u need to learn to let go of ,u will only keep urself bound up in self made chains.its not what life throws at us ,its how we deal with it.re romance again u go negative when life throws u a dissapointment.if this guy ticks all the boxes for u then 3 meets a week is fab.his kids won't be getting taxied around forever,but he should put them b4 u.if his x is playing games I would say don't involve urself with that.just bide ur time.if he has strong feelings for u instinctively u will feel all is well.if u struggle being alone then see that as something to work on.all i know is when I got dumped I chose to be a survivor not a victim.this doesn't mean I wasn't angry,pure rage coursed thru my veins in fact it was only the anger that kept me going.but I made it my mission to find peace so I can let my marriage rest in peace.no bitterness ,no resentment allowed .a new chapter of my life is starting ,without my X .I no longer need to talk or bitch about him,I knew the day he walked out he was an arsehole,or he wouldn't have walked.the fact he never stepped up to the plate for the kids underlines that.he had space to change but he became more irresponsible.I don't need anyone to validate these facts I've been a single parent for nearly a year and a half and even the electricity man said today he admires my spirit .
pmsl
I nearly told him about Susan jeffers LOL
have u read co dependant no more pt,something in that book for everyone I think.
big hugs to u.
f

Patience, I'm loving your serenity & wisdom

Party, great to see you back on thread. I'd say you're probably just feeling down that you're not getting to see new man. It can be frustrating though when you're trying to work a relationship around not only your own dc but someone else's aswell. The joys of moving on!!

Getting, that is great news about the survey

Mumfun, I know what you mean about struggling with the losses but ultimately those losses turn to gains so hang in there ((Hugs))

Well, didn't want to post about this as I'm trying to focus on positive but will just have a small moan on here to dump it out. You might recall I shelled out approx 850 on dentist fees recently which included a root canal treatment. I am now in the most horrific pain (up all night last night) & I can't be certain but suspect that the wrong tooth was treated . Dentist gave me the option of either pulling a tooth today or seeing a specialist. It's a back tooth so wouldn't be a huge deal but pain is so bad I can't identify which exact tooth is problem & dentist couldn't either . He said he was 99% sure & would be confident to pull it, I said the same about tooth he did root canal on!! I refused to have anything further done until I think things over as while I can't be 100% I don't think pain is coming from tooth he wanted to pull . Anyway, I am now on two stong pain killers & an antibiotic to buy me time before I decide what to do. Full investigation & saving all teeth will cost in excess of 1000 . Was thinking of you Mumfun while this was going on . I attribute all of this to the stress I've been under in the past due to xh. I'm not blaming xh but just I know this is a direct result of that stress. My teeth are v important to me & tbh I'm not taking this well. I know this is not a big deal in the greater scheme of things but I am not prepared to lose a tooth as a result of the stress I had to cope with. I have done a lot of reading up on the power of positive thinking & people who attribute this to curing themselves of cancer & other serious illnesses. I am now determined to use every fibre of my being to think positively & heal my teeth. You'll probably all think I've cracked up but I just feel I can't go through with any more dental work or pain in my teeth.

Last f not meant to be there btw LOL
Can we have a music nite on Friday btw.
Fingers crossed I've got broadband.

That should have read that dentist said he was 99% sure he was treating right tooth when he did root canal

Oh Ffs starting,ok sending u pain free vibes.sleep with ur crystals under ur pillow and ask the angels to make it clearer which tooth is bad.

Patience I know what you say makes sense. I have read feel the fear too, but not the other one, maybe I should get that next.

I am lucky I know, I will be able to afford a house albeit not one as beautiful as this and I will be able to cope. I have my health, my gorgeous DC, fantastic friends and family, but I can get myself into such low moods at times and when I do I get angry at myself and the situation that I'm in.

Before everyone says counselling, I have been, I tried two different approaches, one for ptsd, relaxation, and one for managing my emotions when confronted by ex.

They both helped and I can deal with him most times when we have to meet. It's the down times such as evenings and weekends.

So you will now say new DP is around as I need him to make me feel better about being alone. But I don't think this is the case. I had been without ex for 8 months when I met him, not long. It was a slow burn, liked him, got to know him and then the fireworks. He's a great guy.

I know his DC will always come first just as mine do. We have between us 6 DC ages 14 to 20, so you're right they won't be around for ever. I accept that.

Starting your tooth sounds sooo painful, toothache is a horrid thing. Hope it's better soon.

I think then pt ,ultimately u have to protect and nourish urself bigtime thru this stage ,the stress levels of divorce and moving house as u know are 2 of the biggest in life .put ur needs first.wtf can't this all be done thru sollicitors now .sorry I have a very simple divorce so no idea how it works.but when it is all signed u will have ur closure and peace will be with u in ur new home x

Hi PT - glad to get your update!

Just quickly cant believe that re your tooth Starting! Oil of cloves can help a lot. Hope your positive power can come through on this one. I know there are still problems with my teeth but waiting for a related medical appointment next week to be done before I do anything more. Gums apparently receding which is not good.Urghhhhh

Had something else happen to day which was bad re a DC. And really ped off re government proposals re changing special needs provision. Just about to start on statementing route with DS and it may all be totally fed and he may not get the help which is now desperately needed. Swear swear again.

Patience -probably need to read those books but too busy trying to read widely to help DS and his stuff atm.

Getting yes will have to end things if H doesnt come up to muster. Have had serious words with him last few days and told him to think about things. But have done so several times before with little result so not holding out much hope. But with things re DS stuff atm have to have dealings with him or else do it all on my own which is frankly worse.But saying that I did everything today on my own..............

See you all tomorrow - tired and going to slope off to bed !

Ps I would never judge anyone about having a new partner or their reasons .but what I have done myself is tried to work on my own weaknesses since the split.so if u identify lonlieness as something u feel ,then I would try to develop that towards enjoying ur own company more.re counselling I would have fun finding one that u really click with if u can afford it.I think my attitude now is anything goes,who said we have to do life seriously if it makes u laff ,then do it !sort out the wobbles and build on ur new strong foundations,that's my plan.