Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.3

[Teaandcakeplease]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings. Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

Oh yes getting ,my X thinks silence is fecking golden too.I still sent the text messages to let him know what I thought of him.not angry texts ,just wtf happened to my husband.course he was never going to reply .the longer this goes on the deeper the consequences shall run.he will live with this mess forever.I am moving away from him emotionally now.I have said all I need to say on the matter.he is left with his new life and I am left with mine x

Hello everyone,
Sov you've been through the mill I hope you're feeling better and get a wee break from your busy household.
Mumfun it is rotten when you get glimpses of your x socialising etc but you are travelling towards a peaceful fulfilled destination which he won't ever get to. Sometimes it is hard to be pragmatic and reasonable about everything-thats when you need a voodoo doll!
Getting its funny how things people particularly people you're close to, say can summon up a well of emotion. I thinks its inevitable and we probably all need a good weep from time to time. An email from my mil had that effect on me today, we're not close but it was supportive and made me look at my situation from someone else's eyes and I thought actually -this is pretty shite my life is hard- yet when I'm in the thick of it its ok bcos I'm so busy I still try to find joyful moments throughout my day.I hate the lack of response from my x as well. I just don't know how they can just ignore things as if they're going to go away-they won't they'll get worse if not dealt with.
Elsie I'm stumbling on lots of photo and things of great times i had with x with and without the kids and i sigh a bit but then I think hard and remember that often an hour before or after the photo was taken there often would have been a mood or a row. most of our good times had an underside too I think.
Agree with you all mumsnet has been a lifeline for me too.
xxx

It is always the happy memories that cause the most pain, not the bad ones

I don't even recognise my X at all now, he is not the man I fell in love with and that's what I console myself with, the man who cheated on me and left me and doesn't step up for our DC is not the man that took my heart all them years ago as I would never fall for a man like that

Lately, going on his FB postings and things people have said he is banging on about aliens and government conspiricy's (sp) and is trying to turn himself into a hippy, and all this for the ow who uses men, spits them out then keeps em hanging on for as and when she needs them (we knew her 10 yrs) it's laughable really, good luck to them I say they gonna need it

Sov for me although my x once made me feel lucky to be with him and we had some fab times, I did see glimpses of his dark side even in the early days but the good outweighed the bad originally. Now I just wonder if I ever knew him at all. I wonder if he cheated on me before. Trusting freedom loving me gave him lots of free time never dreaming he would betray so sometimes I ask myself who the hell he is/was? a perfect chameleon ? which is a bit unnerving but anyway I really have let him go and I've got me back now so as tough as it can be it is my life now and I am so much wiser now.

Oooh Maybee you sound like you have been to India or something very spiritual and chilled , its funny what time does. Are you excited about moving ? You are off back to family ? Did you get a job lined up ? Is your ex going back to America (?) Oh and yes the underside , it was often present..

Sov nice to see you , why do happy memories hurt more its mad we need to refer back to Elsies post

Got to punch people 2 nite with boxing gloves on,woo hoo,instructor said he was surprised how into it I was ,ROFL.

Anyone see eastenders ,think Shirley should know about what to do when u become a dumpling and co dependence no more and the Shirley glass book.

Hi all. Still knackered from lovely weekend lol can't stand the pace!
Missed Eastenders but so many women I know should read some of the self help books I've been reading since being on here. Recommended the bitch book to young member of staff today. Told her not to stand for any shite and raise her standards :)
Hope kick boxing was good P - how is the dressing up going? And what about cafe man eh?!!!!
Hi Maybee - lovely to have you on here. Good luck with the move and glad you have sorted access out - hope you are feeling better about that part of it now. Try and keep posting if you can when you move and I'm already thinking about an Irish trip :)
Sov - glad you're feeling better and Getting - your new house will mark a new start in lots of ways. Don't fret about grieving - it's part of the process
I agree that happy memories are the most painful. Now spring is here I'm hinking loads about happy times with exbf, walking that we did, bbq's etc. But still think how unhappy he made me in lots of ways and how my freedom from his adrenaline kick is actually very uplifting in a lot of ways.
Mumfun - keep going love, this too shall pass, light comes from the dark, out of the shadows we step into sunlight and being a good person has ultimate rewards.
I got a lovely little card and chocolate on my desk on Monday from my friend at school who is a teaching assistant. She was giving a talk at our training day last Friday and I asked some questions and then told everyone that she was too modest to say anything but that the methods that she was describing for helping poor readers had resulted in some children maing remarkable progress and that it was all down to her. Her card said "thank you for all the support. Friendship means such a lot" I was proper chuffed to have such a wonderful mate and it confirms my philosophy for this year that I'm goin to really concentrate on loving those who love me, because the rewards are endless.
And you ladies are a bloody godsend and always will be. I love, respect and admire you all. You have given me so much for so little and for that I thank you xxx

Just to confirm I flung the pheasants from the balcony last night by surreptiously checking no one was looking and then flinging it hard and fast. Both gone by morning. Mrs Fox must've been surprised

I'll try and catch up on this afternoons chat tomorrow.

Went to a friends for tea and pancakes. Good fun. Still struggling with shame about Sunday from time to time. Can't shift it.

Ooo Googoo I cleaned my fridge and freezer today. All our talk on here encouraged me to give them both a good wipe out

New man surprised me at work today - I thought he was miles away and he just turned up outside. Was very nice...also, I was very pleased I'd pulled a brush through my hair and put some lippy on for work!

In tossbag news, he rang this morning to see how dd1 was (she'd been a bit poorly) then after speaking to the girls tonight (finally!) he asked to speak to me and we had a nice civil conversation about dd1 - no horribleness, just a decent constructive conversation. BTW - I think he was on his own and not with OW when he rang!

...don't think the civility will last though

Well done Kate !

Ok we are forecast snow and strong winds.trampoline better be there in the morning,visualising like mad.

Got my first belt at kick boxing btw passed my grading.

And a big shout out to strong women everywhere on international women's day,the times they are a changin '

Morning all

Congrats Patience for kick boxing. Snow ? DS asked what Int Womens Day was about and why women should have a day dedicated to them then luckily Annie Lennox ad explained it much better than me

Goo I am not surprised about your little card if you are as supportive in RL as you are to us on this thread. Have things gone quiet with your ultra critical head ? Not too long to go now

Tea glad the foxes got a banquet and dont think about last sunday

Mumfun how are you ? I know you arent a great one for saying too much on here but I hope you are finding a path back to your normal peaceful self

Sov that made me sad what you said about your ex binning stuff in front of you - charmless. Are you on the mend now ?

Elsie hows ds now ? Did the school keep him seeing a counsellor ? Did you hear about that job ?

Well I am feeling fine now. I have noticed a pattern this last month which is when I feel anxious or stressed about something (house stuff lately)I sort of withdraw and almost shut down rather than this last year where tears and chain smoking has been the norm. Yesterday I felt like I was watching myself really and just not there iyswim ? DS said last night you arent usually like this when Granny goes home - I must have been acting weird.

I cant remember if I said but the surveyor rang just to say thumbs up for the house full report to follow which now means nothing bar the unexpected can go wrong.

So this mornings issue is this why cant I maintain a consistent attitude towards xh ? Most of you ladies seem to have a standpoint albeit in some cases f* off ! I seem to have an array of approachs ranging from wanting to be pleasant and amicable to despising him. He rang last night and spoke to ds then asked for me I told ds to say I would ring back. Ds said dad said to say sorry he couldnt talk earlier but he was really busy. Is it only me that suffers with the busiest person ever its like if he banned the word busy from his vocab he would be a mute.

I wish he could just be like a normal person in the people in my life , like Aunt Midgie, Cousin Rachel , Best friend Claire, Mr Gettingeasier, the man who sells me cigs !!! Am I making sense ? Has anyone else further in experienced this ? I know that someone who has occupied such a huge emotional position for 17 years isnt going to just slip neatly into a mental filing system but I just wish it was consistent.

At the moment there is going to be the need for a lot of contact as most of his stuff is still here and we need to sort it all out and in person.

I know once we have moved there will be absolute minimal contact and I suppose at that time a natural set point with him will be reached and I need to be patient.

Anyway I have a busy day ahead which is good and then a girls night later which will be fun and I have pictures of the house so they can listen to me bore tell them all about it as I was waiting for survey before getting too excited

I also want to thank everyone for the help, support and affection on this thread. It makes a big difference to be able to come on here and speak to those who understand , I think its worth repeating for any lurkers that unless you have been through it you cant understand.

Have a nice day everyone

Well done on passing, Patience. Hope we can arrange something to do for your birthday, August difficult in some ways because of the hols but I'm sure we can find a way.

Tea, impressed with the flinging.

Goo, Maybee and Patience, I am finding myself imagining the fun that you had at the weekend wistfully.

Mumfun, hoping that the week is looking up. Look forward to seeing you soon.

Kate, sounds like you may have a keeper there!

Well, Getting, sounds like xh is very annoying. Mine is consistently cold mostly, this being interspersed with 'poor me', jokes which often then get a bit nasty and occasionally tears when all gets too much with DS. Sorry is not a word he understands.

Think you are doing brilliantly with the move. My head is still in and out of the sand. Planning a party atm which is distracting me somewhat and work ok but quite challenging.

Waves to all present and lurking.

Getting well done on survey !
There is probably under lying resentment with ur X for putting u thru all this.we get on with things then we have to deal with house sales and removal trucks ,we are very strong women and our X s are ashamed of their actions ,no doubt about it.this will lead u to indifference.ur still a bit bovvered by the way he treats u ,but soon this will pass.ur moving on towards consistent serenity,ur nearly there ,the peaceful times will get longer and the " bovvered about anything he does " less.my X phoned up drunk last nite.Ffs.but I don't flinch ,he is the kids dad but NOTHING to do with ME anymore.But to feel that completely and utterly took me a long time.fwiw I think they are left with very little but we flourish getting,hope the maths is going well.
Also re kick boxing ,someone pointed out to me that u can spar with ur kids.Ds kick boxes too so makes the whole teenage bit a lot more interesting ,but it all stays on the mat.but something to look forward to once a week.

Waves to happy ,thing that got me was we didn't need to get drunk at the weekend.just chatting tea shops ,cakes and a few bottles of beer.drove ggm by the cottage LOL !
Finding myself checking out all the pubs we werent in ggm so I've got more idea of what music they play x

Hello everyone, not posted on these new threads yet.

I've just been having a browse whilst drinking tea before rousing myself to go to work and the comments about dealing with ex and feelings for them ring true.

Firstly getting your comment about ex being busy all the time is sooo true. My ex is supposed to be coming to discuss money, again, our collaborative divorce is failing badly, he is always busy, confrontational etc. I'm not a priority, not that I expect to be, his OW is all he's concerned with. But you'd think he'd want this sorted asap.

And the consistent attitude, oh how I wish I could maintain this. I'm still up and down, tears, anger, indifference, no one knows which it will be an any given day. Sometimes I actually do civil. It's been 18 months since he went, how bloody long does it take to become more even in temper. It's driving me bloody mad, I get so cross with myself.

maybee your chameleon ex is bang on. Mine was always loving, attentive, do anything for me, we had a lovely life together, but I knew he was a difficult, hard, clever, bastard underneath. This was the aspect of his personality he shown in his business dealings, never thought he would apply those to our divorce and his treatment of me now is quite astonishing to all who know him.

ANyway must get to work, have a good day everyone.

Waves to pt x
I think knowing these blokes didn't make the grade helps me but also my big wake up was my attitude towards X would have a huge influence on how my kids grew up and their attitude towards their dad.big chance he would opt out completely ,positivity will reflect positivity,negativity will boomarang back on to u.
It's not that ur resentment,rage of injustice is unfounded its just that the only one that ur hurting ,holding back etc ,is urself.at this point the X is getting on with his life,he may crash and burn later ,he may not.but forget about him and concentrate on the wonderful new person ur becoming,resentment and anger is so 2010 x

Thinking my X maybe on a fast decline now.maybe not ,just made me think what would I do.ultimately the answer is nothing.its up to him ,it always was.I hope he can fight it for the sake of the dcs,but what will be will be x
Guess what I was trying to say b4 pt was ,how our Xs treat us is all out of our control,feel the pain and move forwards ,nourish urselves,don't focus on the man that hurt u ,focus on urself x

Listen to mumford and sons THE CAVE
very empowering
To live my life as its meant to be ......

That's what we are doing,we don't need to be codependent to a selfish bastard .we will flourish with or without a man.
No knob head bloke will destroy us ,we will live to fight another day,jab jab ,reverse punch ,backfist,side kick ,turning kick,just keep bouncing and Ffs keep ur guard up !

"Now let me at the truth ,to refresh my broken mind "

I had asked my X for closure for months and in the end it did refresh my broken mind.

Good so its not just me then partytime !!

Happy xh said sorry for involving an ow and hence making all this so much more painful for everyone as he left. Other than that the S word doesnt exist either for him.

Patience I think history has long since been rewritten in his mind and far from feeling guilty about putting us through move etc he thinks I had it good for a long time and compared to most I still have. I think moving and divorcing will be the turning point in shedding the snake skin of my feelings for him and he will then be whatever he will be to me - hopefully something positive. By my calculations both will be done by mid june at the latest.