Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.3

[Teaandcakeplease]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings. Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

Kate sounds like bliss being treated so well, good for you, it sounds like a good arrangement that suits you both and fits round your DC well.

Kate thats really great stuff

I just take one day at a time - my main worry is that I really doubt my sense of judgement. Don't know if any other dumplings do??? Something happened at work around the same time as I found out about OW and someone I thought was a good friend stabbed me in the back...so now I doubt that I can tell if someone is good and nice and to be trusted.

I hate not being able to trust my instinct about people - so I do doubt things (in my head...not out loud)

That's something Tossbag has taken from me and it will take a while to get back I guess.

Yes - I very much mistrusted my own judgement but actually since exbf debacle (3 years on from exh) I am now very much in control of judgement again! Feels great too. Patience always says that in order to move forward you have to trust your instincts and make your own calls. This comes with building your self esteem after a bad relationship and learning to love yourself again :)
Patience - I'm missing your wisdom pet x

Yes - that's good advice from Patience

Hi all everything settled down a bit .Apologies to anyone I upset the other night .I just need to take time out ,collect my thoughts.Thankyou for everyones good wishes . I know that if X doesnt see the kids it is not in the kids interests ,in recent weeks the maintenance and visit on a Sunday was do able.In a light hearted way i likened myself to Tea the Sunday after GGM had come to stay.We built another trampoline ,i gave him lunch we spent the afternoon together,i gave him his shirt back ,that day was a bit of a turning point for me (I thought). As long as X kept to those boundaries ie visits and maintenance then we had stability.

Obviously things have seriously deteriorated since then.Ending up with me finding out he was 10 mins away from the house with gf and hadnt paid us maintenance for x3 weeks.
This is the thing it didnt matter if others have to deal with it everyday Pink,when it FIRST happens that you have proof ur X is putting gf before dcs then that IMO ,is a line crossed.I couldnt just let it go .What he has done with his interest in the kids is another form of gaslighting.He is filling my head with how much he misses the kids how he has to work away how torn he is .I believe this stuff, because i want dcs to have a dad that visits on a sunday and pays maintenance,at the end of the day I couldnt care less what his life is now but i thought swimming and a play in the park was a harmless visit for a 4 and 5 yo.

What I found out this week was he was completely disrespecting what I do 24/7 and it deteriorated into him and gf sending me abusive texts and swearing /laughing at me down the phone .I was in a bad place so i came on here.
Anyway the bit that wound me up pink was the "Its not just u" at 22.36pm
Sometimes when u have the lightbulb moment that he really is going to put u through hell because his gf is so insecure ,u just dont need to hear ,"Its not just you" because at that precise moment i couldnt care less about anyone elses story,call that healthy selfish ,call it on the brink and nearly tipping over ,all i know is i was in a dark place on Sat nite because the only way i could see myself coping was to cut all contact and stop the kids seeing their dad.That was always my worse case scenario in this mess.I guess i was on here to go round and round in circles to find a solution but how do u coparent when he is shouting abuse down the phone and gf is texting good luck on the dole.Anyway he had sent a text saying he was going to see them Sunday morning 10am.I got the kids ready DS was up and dressed by 8.30am no show ,lots of tears and Whens daddy here ?.That was is for me .Thats when i drew my line in the sand.He hadnt seen his kids for 3 wks ,he should have been here early banging on my door.Instead no phonecall ,no text,no explanation.So now his calls go straight to voicemail.today i got some maintenance thru the door and ive never been so popular at least 10 calls ,but no voicemails ,no texts.This is the way it will stay .Bit frightened he causes a scene at the flat ,because this will be dreadfully upsetting for the kids ,but part of me thinks he wont make the effort ,but kids wont be here next weekend anyway.Feeling better mentally although cutting off contact was def a last resort but the opposite of abuse is respect ,and finally the penny dropped for me.For me this is the best result ever, of course it protects me from the angry vile part of his behaviour but its not the best final outcome for dcs ,but for today that is what we are working with.However after last weekend i have to look after myself again,start eating properly and protecting myself mentally and that means staying away from X .GF wont like X having a connection with me and kids(i think i may have underestimated this before ) ,so best we have some space atm.
Just at the end of my tether Pink tbh ,just wanted a solution without cutting contact with dcs father but he needs to know i mean business.
Looking at the phone and seeing another missed call is empowering but at the same time any mother that has been in an abusive relationship knows that you are playing with fire .I live in hope that it is true the cant break down a door with a mortice lock .I hope he doesnt break my front window or vandalise my car again.The difference now is I wouldnt hesitate to call the police.I am dealing with someone mentally unstable with an alcohol problem ,but that is worse case scenario ,but it did send a chill down my spine knowing he had been at my door today.Phoned Sol but no reply ,need it all in writing now.
If i have the kids 24/7 i will not be disrespected again in this manner.
I will never instigate visits again .
If he wants to see his kids he will have to make every effort to persuade me this will be a permanent arrangement.
A fortnight ago he was telling me he was going to apply for a job in Brazil
Big hugs to everyone ,sorry i flipped out ,wont be around as much anymore though ,its good to have a break ,fills your head with different thoughts !
As the song says LIFE GOES ON !

Great to see you back and fighting Patience, you are too wise a lady to let him bring you down. Good that you are in a better state of mind, you really have to not get into his car crash life, you are too good for that.

Glad you are here Patience I put a Noah and the Whale quote on my Blipfoto tonight. It was from when he was going through the split from Laura..but now this new album seems like he is moving on like the split and is feeling more positive (like us, I hope)

I know exactly how you feel when you write "at that precise moment i couldnt care less about anyone elses story" We spend so much of our lives thinking about everyone else, how they are feeling, and mums put themselves last most of the time...and this place is a haven where we can come on and just write and express what WE want to. When I'm feeling positive and have the time! :) I will read and try to comment on posts but sometimes...I just want to come one and say "HEY LADIES...Listen to me!" because it just does not happen in RL.

I'm sad you've had a bad time, we're all here to listen and help...just like you've helped us. Happy to see you back.

Guess I just didn't want to be accused of using dcs as pawns in this divorce.
But like I said before, there comes a point when you have to draw a line in the sand to protect yourself and therefore dcs.
It's self preservation.

Does anyone get how heart wrenching /damaging this is for 2 dcs 4 and 5 yo.Im not being flippant,but its not great is it if he comes banging on the door and their faces light up "Its Daddy!"
This has literally torn me apart but i need to be healthy to parent and X needs to know i will not tolerate his unacceptable behaviour.
So its a bit of a transition for me .Dont want to be on here atm ,just need some space to think ,big hugs to everyone x

Just amazing to look back and see its all the same pattern.
ie Ignore me when at the stage of reasonable discussion.
Disrespect me consistantly but do the minimum, just enough to keep himself in the picture.
Flip out when faced with the truth shout swear at me .
Then complain its my fault he doesnt get to see the kids and plead innocence to anyone that will listen.
I understand it is all classic drama triangle stuff ,i think i truly didnt think it would get to a point that it would take legal discussions to reinstate visits .But I didnt think any of this would have happened and in reality I am dealing with people whose emotional development probably is around 14yo .I will always be the bitch in their eyes ,but when X isnt with her he chats to me like a friend,that was the confusing bit ,I thought we had moved onto amicable /acceptance stage.He obviously still needs this ,whether to release guilt or talk to someone thats a grown up .I remember u saying ur X wanted to use u as a sounding board before Tea.
Anyway this space i have created now surely should underline I am divorcing X ,have no feelings for him as a husband and only want a stable ,calm ,positive influence for my children ,anything else simply doesnt make the grade.
But I do think its a dangerous game to play .
He really thinks I cant live without him,in a narc way and I think I just called his bluff !!!

Your situation Patience is incredibly hard when the children are waiting to see him and he doesn't turn up, that's gut wrenching. Always upset me when the kids would cry when daddy left in the early days and that's nothing compared to your situation. I felt helpless, angry and guilty. The way your Ex is is far far far worse X million. The aggresive behaviour, the nasty texts, the phone calls the fear of him vandalising your car/ window not to mention the lack of maintenance and not bothering to see the kids when promised. Your situation is very hard.

Don't compare yourself to me, my ExH is reasonable. So easy to co parent with. Yours is not.

Big ((hugs)) lovely lady x

Patience you are doing all you can to make this as painless as possible for your DC, but there really isn't anything more you can do, it's up to him to try and step up to the mark for them but you can't make him. It will make you sick just trying to understand him, so for your self preservation you have to step out of his drama and carry being the amazing parent you are and leave him to his regrets one day in the future when he realizes he let his own children down.

Everyone else have a beautiful day the sun is shining.

Thanks again for reading .I think last night i managed to see that this is a necessary step to take.He is using the kids visits ( or contact arrangements)and maintenance to control me and that has to stop.I really do think he thinks he still has some hold over me ie he can still charm me,manipulate me to get his own way.But those days are gone and power he had over me relied on that attraction.It makes me laugh out loud that someone is so immature they can't treat the kids contact with the respect it deserves ie he thought he could phone up with another lie or excuse and it would all b forgotten about.Anyway he isn't my kyryptonite anymore.He is an arsehole.This gives me power over the abuser.He made his choices and now I am making some too.

Patience you have such a hard situation - I hope it gets better soon for you.

We love the Noo noo here -still sometimes watch the DVD!:)

Kate - glad you are being spolied by NM and having some good times:)And an Ipad -what a good little Nm!

Kate and goo. This is now one of my problems re judgement. Honestly H was one of the loveliest humans alive - and has now completely turned around. Its made me very wary of men and also of people overall - cant believe how people just carried on with OW and just papered over everything. If I ever date again Ill be very mistrustful of men.

Elsie really glad youve got the choice to reduce hours and yes I really feel this time with the DCs is precious! Cant believe all our Xs happy to miss out on it!

Bit shocked that mediation before divorce has just come like that. I would have been inclined to say that it was a positive thing. But your experiences have kind of put a different spin on things. Hmmmm

Well from here things not great - standing up for myself has made X not happy. Now talking about divorce. If he wants it he can make the effort - somehow doubt he will do that.

Also together with op coming up realising again I have noone near to come look after me except H which is very sad for me - not good long term.

Also very angry with mother/sister recently as just cant believe their behaviour to me .And then separately narc mother has just left my elderly and sometimes confused dad on his own for 2.5 months to swan off overseas.

And something not good has come out in public re job Im going for next week which has made me a bit concerned.

At least it was a lovely day and kids were happy!

Got the chocs out and looking forward to a better tomorrow!

Mumfun, that all sounds quite horrid,lots of crappy things going on in your life.

Really sorry you've got to have an op but recovery is so much faster these days. 2 friends recently had major 'lady' ops and they both recovered very fast and painlessly. You might not need much looking after at all. Will your h help with the DC ? And your mother has timed her trip very badly hasn't she.

My H was amazingly wonderful as well and he ticked boxes I didn't even know I had. He, like yours turned into a vile twat of major proportions and I will never ever give any part of myself to a man again. I miss what we had but I don't want to try and recreate with someone else. By now the men my age have baggy ball sacks that probably hang down by their knees anyway......yuk.

Thinking of you Mumfun x

Patience - I fully empathise with how heart wrenching it must be two have 2 wee ones waiting for a daddy that doesn't come. You have done and continue to do the absolute maximum to make your ex co parent with you reasonably and fairly and I'm not surprised that his behaviour and his gf's shit behaviour is almost too much to bear when you are simply trying to do your best by the kids. Remember, you are in the early days of getting him to try and co parent. It may yet work out but you can look back in the future and ALWAYS know that you tried as hard as you could for the father of your kids to have a relationship with him. And they will know that in the future and they will realise your strength and serenity in the face of such opposition. You are a strong, loving and wise woman and you are doing a fabulous job of the highest standards love. Take the love from this thread with you if you want to walk alone for a bit. We are always here. But come back when you can. Your honesty and humour really help me every day. Every time I think of exbf and pipe woman I sing "This means nothing to me!" and have a little giggle xx

Hey sorry you're having a hard time too Mumfun. As Pink says, hopefully your recovery will be speedy. This part of your life will pass. One day, if you want to, you will have someone else to look after you. Someone who deserves you x
Baggy ball sacs - haha! Haven't looked at balls for long enough to notice actually! Exbf 45 - is that baggy ball sack territory?!

Goo and Pink my H had baggy ball sack and he is now with a girl 27 years younger, she cant be bothered about baggy balls at all, or may be his seniority at work and large wage helps her oversee things like that!!

Mumfun hope the op goes well.

Bad day today

Moving probably delayed and out of our chain because of xh. Hes doing all he can to rectify fingers crossed

He came in to look at paperwork and hes ingreat shape smartly dressed and I am a mess, like Kate but inreverse.

Know seeing a sol to divorce one day and a sol to move house the next isnt anyones dream. Just got to keep smiling.

Oh yes and DD got slated by her teachers at parents consultation, turns out she is as rude , offish and entitled at school as she is at home. Am gutted.

Grips will have been got by tomorrow

Oh Getting - what a shit day. DD is like most teenage girls then?! House moving is so crap - I remember the daily panics about my buyer and her fecking demands really well, trying to have lengthy phone conversations with sol whilst baby crawled all over me and toddler screamed. But I bet it will work out in the end
You're doing so well - in the eye of the storm at the moment but soon there will be blue skies :)
Hugs love x

Thanks Goo

Surely my almost teenage dd is different..no ? Oh ok . Elsie dont you dare tell me your dd was vile again or I will crumble

In my experience, all 12 year old girls go through a slightly evil stage and emerge in Year 10, waving at you on the street and smiling sweetly, whereas in Year 7 and 8 there is a LOT of eye rolling and tutting and general "whatever" ness!
If it makes you feel any better, my 7 year old punched the 4 year old so hard in the face tonight that he had a massive nosebleed. Teenage years have come early here!

Getting ,sorry today was tough.
Only thing I can add with Dd is no wonder she is sticking 2 fingers up at the world,last year and a half was tough , you all need support at this time and positive language.do u get a good vibe from teacher.is dd getting the support she needs at school.so important teachers teach what is in front of them.kids have so much to cope with.hope ggm is around to help.
Mf sorry its tough ,thinking of u x