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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.3

1001 replies

Teaandcakeplease · 06/03/2011 16:20

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong Smile

This thread is for ex dumplings. Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

OP posts:
googoomama · 01/04/2011 23:38

I think helping kids to help themselves and getting them to do little jobs is really good. SO many 13 year olds at my school really really don't know how to use a kitchen cloth to mop something up if they spill something at lunchtime, it's unbelievable.
Mind you, much as I love candle idea, if I lit one there's be an immediate fight as to who was going to immediately blow it out!
Asda man came with my delivery yesterday night. He said "Eeh, a na ye!" and I said "Please don't tell me I used to teach you. You are a fully grown man" and he said "Aye, you did Miss!"

Patienceobtainsallthings · 01/04/2011 23:41

thats it starting just out of practice cos he has just been a happy shagger opt out dad rather than abuse fuck off and die opt out dad.all i thought today was u know what JUST MIND URSELF AND DCS Smile
ps the old nursery did this not the one we are at now ,i miss my montessori,
tea john bradshaw is more for people that were abused and explaining how they got there but listening to the download is interesting because its all about parenting ,but he is more reflecting on peoples childhoods in his work .

googoomama · 01/04/2011 23:46

What do you think sb man meant about seeing you at your work P? Sounds very promising.
My mate at school has set me up on a date with drummer man in easter hols. She says he's lovely. And he certainly looks lovely. Very very dishy. It's going to be embarrassing meeting him though - she's going to introduce me to him then leave us be. Think I might suggest we go for a walk and a cuppa. He's coming to work at our school too, so going to have to be careful. But it's exciting though. Never been set up by a mutual friend before - I think it's a nice way of doing it, as she knows us both and thinks we'd get on well

Patienceobtainsallthings · 01/04/2011 23:48

lol at former pupil googs.
oh bloody hell of course they blow it out ,then u say i know u know how to do this properly if we cant do it properly we wont be able to sit round the table with a candle ,remove candle if any GDA occurs ,thats general dickin around,and replace when everyone is settled ,also say you know it will make me sad if we cant light the candle ,do you want to make mummy sad ,no,do you want to have the candle ,yes,will that make u happy ,yes ,OK THEN YIPPEE LETS LIGHT THE CANDLE!!!!!!
Imagine my X not wanting to be a part of that LOL.
i got my moneys worth out that nursery Smile

Patienceobtainsallthings · 01/04/2011 23:52

I dont know googs but he better fucking buy something ROFL ,now thinking it will happen once i sort X out ,like wtf getting message about X yesterday when i was talking to sb ,i really was getting into the whole flirt thing lol,then bam DUMB and FUCKING DUMBER so angry with myself for giving a fuck ,but im skint ,just squint at the cash machine when i check my balance .

Patienceobtainsallthings · 01/04/2011 23:56

ok just spent all nite trying to configure new email address business one with thunderbird mailbox thing.did it alright but keeps telling me i need another password .but ive only got one and i even changed it to check but not happening ,too much IT ,followed a video and everything lol ,and its fucking friday nite,pmsl this morning taking photos for website ,another very unexciting job,my cold turkey adrenaline thing is sure a change in speed to my life.

soverign21 · 02/04/2011 00:21

evening all

Just thought i'd check in, had to cancel date as i come down with the s&v bugs again!! also got an abcess now grr

Bouncer man was very understanding and we've been chatting on FB all evening so will be rearranging for another time but just thought i'd let you all know i'm safe and well, will read tomorrow and catch up nite all x

googoomama · 02/04/2011 00:30

Oh Sov - what a crying shame! Sorry about bugs. Glad you are chatting to him x

gettingeasier · 02/04/2011 09:11

Morning

Starting hope you feel better soon

Goo very funny about Asda man and glad there are some nice things happening with you

Patience I have to say again that I think its long overdue that you cut all contact with him and leave it to CSA/Sols to deal with him paying maintenance. From what you have said his involvement with the dc is minimal and imo they are young enough to cope fine without seeing him and in time will not expect to see him or miss him. I would take the opportunity while they are so young and before they are old enough to understand their Dad is not committed to being there for them. Being ruthless Patience I wonder if this is more about you not wanting to sever those last connections with him than wanting him to have contact with his dc ? Its just all so hard and never ending at times . sending you big hugs

Sov thats a shame but it sounds like the date will be rebooked !

Tea I have spare keys everywhere when the new people move in I think they will have about 10 sets of keys !!!

Mumfun I am glad the interview and op timings have worked out as you wanted

Not much planned have a friend coming over later and we will go walking. Feeling a bit flat and out of body atm.

Spoke to house move sol yesterday and he sounded slightly shaky on the 20th being move date saying its possible but a bit tight now..Just have to assume the best and be pragmatic if its delayed as its hardly life and death but I feel in limbo atm

Have a good day

Patienceobtainsallthings · 02/04/2011 10:44

getting just to say in response to your theory ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
eh NO!
Can somebody back me up here ,having no contact with the father is not a good thing for dcs ,this is proven time and time again.Its abandonment for children to deal with their whole childhood .I try and maintain contact for my kids ,thats it,no underlying hopes of reconcilliation lol and the most balanced weeks are when X turns up picks up children and pays maintenance.I have submitted all the forms im doing all i can here but saying the reason is because i still fancy my X is a low blow getting tbh .I have offered him last nite just to pay and not see the kids ,if he wants to start a new life with gf he is more than welcome and they have my blessing ,do you not think it would be far easier for me if i never saw this guy again and he just put money in my back.Interesting though this comes from someone whose X sees the kids regularly and probably has never missed a maintenance payment and even after divorce will still be financially secure.
Just because i want my kids to grow up seeing their dad doesnt mean i still want him,trust me on that .Also remember I was lied to much more than anyone on this thread and hindsight is a wonderful thing ,he was only admitted gf in FEB 10.Thats the mental cut off point for me ,just 6 weeks ago .
As i have said before its all in the hands of the sollicitors right now .
Meanwhile I have 14days ahead of hols with 2 kids 4 and 5 tagging along while i try and make a living at workshop x

Patienceobtainsallthings · 02/04/2011 11:16

At NY i PMd someone that writes on MN not on this thread but i respect their POV.I told her what was happening and she said The hard thing is watching them treat your kids the way they treated you.I think that about sums it up.
Its exactly the same pattern of behaviour ,minimal contact but just enough to keep u hooked in ,dont turn up when they say they will and full of apologies and excuses when they let you down .When he does turn up they are so happy to spend time with him but he phones me to cut visits short ,bring the kids home early and you know he is in a hurry to get back to gf.
It just makes me sad and dissapointed ,cant believe a bloke could do this to his little kids .
This will get sorted though just like every other stage i have gone through and then i will truly be free.
I know stopping him seeing the dcs is not the right plan for me atm.If he chooses not to see them then so be it .I dont need 2 teenagers shouting in my face that i stopped them seeing their dad ,because that is what will happen.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 02/04/2011 11:44

My biggest problem is that i let this affect my new life .I lose my self discipline and dont give the other areas of my life 100% when stuff like this happens .Being happy is what gets u by having no money,no holidays etc.I just need to feel the sadness of this situation and move on .It is sad when Dads opt out for new gfs ,my kids didnt deserve any of this .

gettingeasier · 02/04/2011 12:01

Sorry Patience I know its all about you wanting the dc to have a relationship with their Dad and not just a case of you not being ready to sever contact with him .

My wording was clumsy and gave a different meaning to what I meant to say for which I apologise

Patienceobtainsallthings · 02/04/2011 12:41

I'm sorry too getting for saying about ur financial situation I was out of order I guess its just until ur in this situation financially u always thought X would provide for his kids,this is what its all about.worst case scenario is he doesn't see the kids or pay for them I know others have to deal with this but 18 mths on I need peace.its all about control on his part.he is a sad bastard with nothing in his life when he sees her its a fix iyswim,he thinks he's something again his narc supply,I am dealing with a liar and hopefully the divorce isn't far away now.
I just want stability ,we all need that.

thereturnofElsieTanner · 02/04/2011 13:32

Patience, I do agree that it would be totally wrong to sever contact with regards dc. But if someone text DIE to me they would not have my number any more. They would not come to my door and I would never look at them again. It's up to him to maintain his relationship with dc and you owe him nothing. Your dc are so lucky to have you. I wish you could sever contact with him because he is still abusing you. I know you know all this x
Can't post any more because Wallace the Naughty Dog has chewed my power supply and not much battery left. He has also chewed some important paperwork and strewn it around the garden and eaten the ironing board cover. And I still love him Smile. Was thinking how much he has cost me in terms of chewing things (£400 for 2 seatbelts to start with) but then realised how much he has saved me in terms of counselling as walking those hills is so therapeutic Smile.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 02/04/2011 13:51

Thanks Elsie re abuse I know what ur saying that's why I said earlier about all about control.I just want it all to stop.its him that can't let go imo or he would just get on with it.he. has realised now that his life will always be a struggle.he has NEVER been poor before.v privelaged upbringing.

Teaandcakeplease · 02/04/2011 17:39

Just a fly by, will catch up later.

Great day here; my friend runs a pony share scheme and had a milkshake fundraising day so we popped along. DD was in her element and helping muck out stables, stroke horses and feed them hay and generally being seriously cute. Love her!

OP posts:
Patienceobtainsallthings · 02/04/2011 18:55

X sent a text today saying i was a hopeless wife girlfriend and woman.He said this is nothing to do with gf he just doesnt want me and i should just accept it.
WTF ,i just said I cut off any feelings I had when i found out he was sleeping with her and wtf did he have to lie about all that for so long anyway .Oh and he sent a text saying he would see the kids tomorrow and what he does the rest of the time is nothing to do with me anymore and to get over it.
I just said he hadnt seen the kids in 3weeks and i thought he could have popped in and seen them and given in the maintenance money he said he had for us when he was crying down the phone on Sunday about missing his kids .
He really thinks he is Gods gift to women OMG ,also got a vile text obviously from her ,said i was far too old to write LOL.
WTF ?

thereturnofElsieTanner · 02/04/2011 20:00

Patience, can you block his number and get him to text any messages about seeing dc to a friend or relative who can then text you? I really would not allow a man like this to have my number.

I've managed to repair my power supply so I'm up and running again Smile. How long I'll last is another matter as I didn't get to bed until 3am. Friend and I put the world to rights and I did get one very racy story for light relief. I am difficult to shock but she really does shock me and if you saw her you'd never imagine what she gets up to. She has the classic navy blazer and loafers type style, smart but wholesome. But her sex life is far from wholesome, I can tell you.

KateonMN · 02/04/2011 20:24

Oh Patience what a horrible thing to receive, what a fool he is.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 02/04/2011 21:02

Just so tough doing everything on my own atm.Not eaten properly for 6 weeks not got enough money to shop like i used to without cutting down on the kids activities ,kids eat well but ive not sat down with a knife and fork since I found out X was sleeping with her.Its like I need to go through this now to understand his complete detatchment .I think this is the last weekend i ever bother to text him about access.Ive learnt my lesson .He isnt bothered so why should i be ,i just notice a difference when i dont have a few hours off a week and him helping out was working for a bit ,just not worth the hassle now.I just feel drained and i cant give him that power anymore ie waiting for a text message .Thing is he says its my fault he doesnt see the kids ,ie no wonder i dont come round .Its just all one big headfuck and i want it to stop now ,how to u co parent with somebody incapable of reasonable behaviour?

Mumfun · 02/04/2011 21:14

Patience -I so understand it is hard without a break. I just cant believe him though. If I could solve it for you I would but thinking of you and kids. As Kate says what a fool!

pinksmarties · 02/04/2011 21:29

Hello Patience, I've just read 2 days worth of your posts and it's clear that your ex still has a huge emotional hold over you which you don't feel able/ready to break free from. He's abusing/insulting/taunting you again and again because he's getting a kick out of it. He's goading and goading (sp) you like a hyeana (sp) with a rattlesnake, sniping and and running off and sniping and running off because it's fun and he gets a reaction.

He's a bully and a c**t and you're letting him do it. He can't do it unless you participate. It's a cruel sport and he's loving it.

FFS TAKE BACK THE POWER.......Please.

You texted him....We both can't live like this, do you want a clean break to live with your gf ?

Patience, it's YOU who can't go on living like this, he's pure scum and dumplings don't care about scummy narcs and whether he wants a clean break or whether he'd like muffins for tea IT DOESN'T MATTER. All that matters now is what YOU want.

You're tormenting yourself with him being 10 mins away and not seeing the DC for 3 weeks. Ditto, my ex lives 1 min away and doesn't see his DC for 2/3 weeks at a time because he's a selfish wankstain....just like yours.

It's so lovely of you to encourage him to see your DS playing footie etc but you've said it here in black and white....he's not interested and for your own sake you need to stop flogging a dead horse because he's quite litterally taking the piss out of you....hopeless wife, girlfriend and woman ? He really is scraping the bottom of the barrel coming up with that one. He's very immature Patience.

Don't rise to his bait anymore.

Don't engage with him anymore. He's not yours anymore and I know that takes a huge amount of getting used to and it's heartbreaking and devastating, I haven't yet conquered it myself yet. What you had with him has now gone, like when when you watch someone you love die (which I have) and when the last breath has left their body what's left is just a cold deadweight of a corpse, which is totally worthless, just a byproduct to be dissposed of. The spirit and the soul have flown away and what you are left with are the memmories of the good times and bad.

Patience, we are all unique and so are our feelings and situations and we all handle them differently and the strong (like all of us) survive and rise up through the mountain of shit that's been dropped on our heads, and we grow and bloom and become even more gorgeous like the daffodills in the breeze,exept with nice new haircuts and newly confident smiles, beaming with pride at how we and we eventually learned to stop hating and self harming (emotionally) because it interferes with our quest for serenity, makes our eyes puffy etc.

The week, however, remain full of hate (actually I'm still enjoying the hate bit for now) and ask why, why, why, over and over again, why did he go ? Why isn't he more interested in his wonderful kids who he was lucky enough to father, why doesn't he want to see them more, why does he resent giving them money etc etc. The 'whys' are endless and pointless.

There is only one answer and that is that men are programmed imo to shag and go, to leave their wives for a younger model and to be selfish. There is nothing we can do about it. It's what (often) happens.

Forget about his lies, you probably don't know the half of it and it really doesn't matter anyway. Your H is a wankstain of the highest order.

Men are just large boys, and boys are often restless, distracted, impatient, led by their willies, and don't do deep feelings or emotions (appart from football etc), After a few years of living with the daily drudge which is their wife and kids, they often feel like a little change which involves a perter pair of tits and no more crying, wingeing, fighting, demanding kids.....so they leave, which is where our stories on here begin.

I'm rambling now....

You've come such a long way Patience, but you're floundering at the moment
and your H is taking advantage of that.

Don't try and stop him from seeing the DC as that will give him ammo against you but accept that he's a shit dad and don't expect anything from him. Don't phone him for ANYTHING, have no contact appart from if he texts you and then don't answer appart from a yes or a no. He is no longer a part of your life and will probably have minimal contact with the DC as he can't be arsed........that's the way it is and don't worry, you won't have 2 teens screaming at you one day. They'll have the measure of him and will love and adore and respect you for bringing them up on your own, with a smile on your face (most of the time).

My freind had a teeny weeny little slug on her salad today when we were out for lunch, quite sweet it was, and that slug had more integritty in one of it's little horn things than your H has in his whole body.

He's gone, he's a stranger, he's not the man you married. Leave him behind and if he cries again then tell him to blow his nose and stop sniffing ffs.

Stop letting him drag you down. Your kids need YOU NOT HIM.

If I lose the post I'll be fucking furious. Going for a shower now so if you flame me Patience I won't be here Grin

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY EVERONE XXXXX

Patienceobtainsallthings · 02/04/2011 21:35

thankyou for everyones support.i suppose i always wanted things to be settled between us before i went out with someone else but i dont think things will ever be settled.i dont think being with someone else now is a way of me escaping my problems.i think my biggest problem is letting X into my head so maybe i need to move things on with SB man even if its just a bit of dog walking Smile

Really believe if i got serious with someone in a few years X will opt out of seeing the kids altogether.Wouldnt that be wonderful ,im sure the kids would cope .
ps DD just asked DS shall we do the conga ?

Patienceobtainsallthings · 02/04/2011 21:44

Its so funny that everyone thinks Im still attatched to my X .Even my X .Im sorry it reads that way I truly am.I guess I just wanted to fight for my kids ,I guess I got it wrong .Maybe a life of me struggling and there dad pissing the maintenance money up against a wall is what i should be aiming for just accept ive been well and truly screwed over,but not as much as my 2 children .Yeah happy mothers day.

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