Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.3

[Teaandcakeplease]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings. Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

Sov, thinking of you and hoping you had a nice time. Even if you didn't, it's a big step in your own recovery to see yourself in a situation like this independent of XP. I had a date but decided it wasn't for me but I'm so glad I did it.

Getting, has your moving date been confirmed yet? I can't wait until this house is mine all mine as I love decorating and I'm going to have the garden landscaped and the front drive done. I daren't do anything that might enhance the value of the house atm. Well, that's my excuse for lack of housework, failure to mow the weedsgrass etc.

Tea, thank goodness XH has got a steady job. At least you don't have to worry about him stepping up to the plate financially. And I agree about his GF reaction, not sure she'll relish him seeing the dc as a financial priority. It could be the final nail...

Mumfun, how do you manage to have a night out with loads of men? You are very mysterious and it is just fuelling my MI5 theory .

Patience, all this crap behaviour from H just lays the foundations for your relationship with your dc getting tighter and tighter. You reap what you sow so he's in for a big pile of shit and you'll be coming up roses.

Starting, hope the dc get better soon. Good to get the pox out of the way though.

I'm back in the land of the living having finished my nights. Just do 2 shifts each week and thinking of cutting down to 3 per fortnight which means my own income will have halved since this time last year but without XP leeching off me I still reckon that I won't have to suffer a drop in standards. I'm going out tonight with my very sexually liberated swinging friend but don't worry, she actually has a very high moral code so there won't be any shennanigans . She's has some very interesting stories though.

Hi to Pink, Kate, Happy, GGM and all dumplings new and old.

Waves to Elsie and looking forward to the roses
Texted him last nite to ask if he wanted to take Ds to football,NEVER seen him play so thought it would clear the air let him see the kids ,he answered, DIE,don't know if that was meant for me.
Just all part of his behaviour ,just a bit scunnered with it now tbh x

Patience. Dont know what to say - he is so low. Sorry for the sadness for kids - my H is very different but still Ive been sad many times for my DCs.

Sorry for being mysterious. Just involved in stuff to do with making money (decently and legally) that attracts mainly men - dont know why. Actually thought I would only meet narrow techie type guys but not at all. Had a couple of eye candy younger guys chatting to me last night - but all about business!

Glad ET you can flex your work to suit you -good way to be! And you can see the benefit of XPs spending not being from your pocket! Would love to hear some of racy friend stories :)

Agree Getting - relationships etc are a lot of hassle!

Have interview date now - mid April. Reading up and getting head round it -going to be well prepared!

Just to get op date and it should now be later than interview which is what I needed.

Have good weekends everyone!

Patience - just caught up on here. He texte "DIE"?!!!! WTF?!!!! Says he's working away then is seen in a supermarket 10 mins from yours? I understand the dumpling who said to cut contact, as this is mesing with your head and making you sad but I also can se why you want to keep contact - to give your kids a chance to know their dad and also because he owes you money - he owes THEM money. I would be pursuing the maintenance issue somehow (at least contacting CSA to see what they can do/find out) but not bothering with getting him to see the kids. It may be a cliche but they need people around them who love them, care for them in a practical and emotional way and put themselves out for them, take time to listen to them and love them i.e. YOU not a selfish, immature, self-absorbed, aggressive non-parent. Hope this isn't too harsh. Just that you are a fantastic mum, he is a crap dad, they really just need you. And his regular maintenance. Hope the CSA can see through his bs (they'll be used to it) and get your family what you have a right to. My single mum mate had problems for a long time with her exh saying he had no money but when she eventually plucked up the courage to phone CSA he was soon paying her every month. Lots of love to you. I hate knowing that the wonderful, spirited, courageous woman I know is being treated so badly. He is low. xxx
Sov - how'd it go? Hope it was a positive experience
All sorts has been happening to me at work this week - quite exciting!
Mumfun - wish I could find a way of making money that involves meeting lots of dishy blokes! If it goes well, can we all be your managers?!

Just sent him a text saying we both can't live like this .does he just want a clean break to start his new life with gf.its just in my head how can someone be 10 min away 2 kids and not come and see them.we just need peace now ,I think we deserve it.

Oh tell me more Googoo.

Patience he is a low life. He makes me and I do not even know the bloke and his text "die" Grrrrr Hope he can actually answer this text honestly.

Well I locked myself out of my flat today rather stupidly and had to pay £40 for the privelege of a 5 second job by a locksmith to get me back in. I actually considered borrowing a ladder and climing the 3 floors and in my bedroom window but wasn't brave enough, I'm pretty high up. Bah! DS is being really tricky right now my mum now thinks it's proving her point and I should be smacking him more. Gah!

Trying sol first googs and hopefully get direct debit sorted,just need a bit of stability x

Very important u don't block his development by smacking tea,read john bradshaw very good.discipline yes time outs telly off etc but smacking went out with the ark.I know u know this I just say this to my mother when she is smoothing over ,just let it be kids r always learning ,and if they are needing to feel an emotion I give them privacy ie take them out the room to rage cry shout.

He actually behaves worse the harder I come down on him, it doesn't make him suddenly haul up short and behave, it deteriorates even more. Distraction, praise, time outs, getting out with him for fresh air and keeping him busy all help. Shouting and smacking do not But mum cannot see that.

So any ideas for tomorrow to keep him busy and happy would be grand. I think some of it is boredom. Cannot wait for him to start pre school. He needs it.

Just dawned on me how little X actually does.doesn't want to know anything that the kids do.didn't know his son could read.takes them swimming now and again.that's about it.kids don't see his familly and they've stopped goin to his house.

Which John Bradshaw book should I buy, there's loads on Amazon

That's def true ,Google montessori ,loads of great ideas for helping minds develop.good books on Amazon. Fun things at home.pouring funnels .dried peas with tweezers into a bowl or tongs,gets muscles ready for writing.sizing things biggest to smallest longest to shortest.If he misbehaves take it away calmly.his reward for behaving is getting it back x

Patience - you do deserve peace and stability. Good idea with sol. Really really feel for you and sending you positive vibes to go with your own x
Tea - little ones are difficult. Whatever you do, he is going through massive stage in his development and he is going to be stroppy. Lots of new testosterone coursing round his little body. Boys go through it again when they are 4 - they have massive hormone surge. You are a great mum - let noone make you feel bad about your approach. Whenever my 7 yo goes through a massive growth spurt (which is often - he's massively tall for his age and the doc told me on his chart he is likely to be 6 foot 7 - gulp - full grown) he is tearful and stroppy. Hang on in there. :)
Well, can't say too much about work BUT...I work out of school training and developing new resources one day a week, which puts me on a different payscale. The gov has suddenly cut all funding for this, told us on Wednesday by letter, with effect from today. This means paycut and suddenly 4 days at work instead of 5. Could have meant that I couldn't afford to pay for house etc, would have been disastrous. Anyway, been using my one day a week recently to do some work for my boss in my own school and despite our volatile relationship, she is very pleased with what I've been doing. So, I went to her with my letter and she immediately sorted it out. Full time in school, exciting new role, not too much of a paycut so can still live here . More new beginnings. Funny, cos my horoscope last week said that even though as a Saggitarius I thrive on change, this week would bring unbelievable changes that even I couldn't have predicted. Too right!

Read thread but retained nothing as I've been wiped out by virus/exhaustion. Have spent past two days in pj's only rising from bed at meal times/to apply calomine lotion to ds or to supervise showers/baths etc.

Patience, you xh makes me feel for you. I think as others have advised maybe you need to cut ties for now re access & do all you can to get maintenance. I know when my xh was behaving like this he had nothing positive to offer dc's & they were certainly better off not seeing him. Such a bloody horrible place to be though & makes moving on harder as you feel you've no stability.

Tea, what a bummer about door & £40!! I did this once before too & now have a key hidden somewhere & my parents also have one. Is this something you could do to avoid having to shell out again. As for ds, I think these things just go in stages & are part of development. Am I correct in that your ds is still only 2?? That would mean it's all just part of the terrible twos & will pass!!

Wonders how Sov got on???????

XP tea im reading the homecoming.he just talks about how stopping kids having emotional outbursts blocks their emotional development .I dont know if u need the book lol thats about all u need to know.Montessori stuff is good im sure their is a book about the tasks i was talking about .but the philosophy is independence in little people ,so back off and get them to take their own plates to the sink etc.they used real glasses and plates at dcs nursery from 2 and a half.little children quietly working in the classroom and teachers all using positive language.

My mum's hilarious friend, farmer's wife, 2 boys and alpha male husband, used to teach with my mum, very dry sense of humour, lots of swearing once said to my mum after I had second boy "Tell Googs, two boys should be treated like 2 dogs. Outside running around as much as possible, no matter what the weather" She ain't half right! Two boys is like living in a whirlwind! Never any colouring in, lots of shouting, poo and willy jokes, football or just a ball EVERYWHERE, standing on Lego constantly, talking about wrestling, matchbox cars down the bloody loo, throwing things out of windows "Sorry mum, just wanted to see if the pillow would fly", asking if they can have a wee in the back gardent "Oh but mum it's so much easier than taking our shoes off to go inside!" and my favourite last Autumn...both boys appeared at the back garden gate whilst I was gardening, looking sheepish "Mum, could we have some matches, cos we've built a den in the front and made a little pile of leaves and we need to turn it into a fire?"
Me: "Er...no boys I don't think that's a good idea"
Oldest "Oh but mum, we're just two brothers, (not even friends really are we W?), just 2 brothers who really, REALLY need to light a fire!"

Montessori is an interesting idea. They say that boys in Year 7 (11 to 12 year olds) are at the height of hormonal changes and so they take them out of the classroom environment for that year and they do very practical physical things, like gardening and building. I teach that year group and tend to agree. This morning I said to one Year 7 boy - "John, just underline your date and title there before you start" The reply was (very good naturedly) "Aw, miss, I'm just not in the mood for that today like!"

Patience, am feeling slightly reading about your dd's nursery using real glasses. My youngest dd is FOREVER spilling her drink & today she wanted a disney type glass & I refused & insisted she use one with a screw on top . Mind you she had spilt her two previous drinks & I was beyond it at that point!! Ah well, tomorrows another day to try to get it right

x posted with everyone!
Starting - sorry you're having a hard pox time. Hope it improves. Sending hugs.
Great idea about real glasses - took me ages to pluck up courage to do that and my 7 yo is the clumsiest kid on the planet, bless him and spills absolutely everything everywhere. 4 yo much more careful and meticulous weirdly. Liks to put all his things in a series of little plastic bags and check everything now and again!
Tea - typical about door eh? My doors and windows are really old and keep malfunctioning - went to open front door the other night to find it was stuck and we couldn't get in. Luckily had a key for patio door at back so had to go through that and when the temperature dropped later in the evening the front door decided it would open!

Missed all your posts Goo Love your stories about the boys . Also that's fantastic news about the job . Really glad you're finally starting to get some good stuff

low down coat hooks in your own home ,v organised house so kids can help prepare meals etc.
anyway lots of smiles and good vibes from slow burner man so need to kick X into touch cos dont want to talk about him at all to SB.
just want him to say yes or no.thing is he doesnt want them overnight but he wants gf overnight IYSWIM.im very disconnected about them kinda amazed myself tbh but this is just all about him and he justifies it by saying its my fault ,thats what makes me cross when im doin it all myself.
Suddenly thought huge panic about actually being alone with a bloke but then quickly got a grip and thought just keep it fun .
how ru sov?

Starting ur a warrior ,thing that confuses me is he was crying to me on sunday .
Then tells me on the phone last night that i have made his life hell.

if they spill drinks they got a floor cloth and cleaned it up got the stool washed out the cloth at the sink and put cloth away.if they broke a glass they swept it up with dust pan and brush.really makes u see how much we all jump in and block our kids.

it helps their motor skills i think to carry their food on a plate ,balance etc and an achievement to carry it to the table ,they pour their own water etc so good to have little jugs for little hands .i use an old wine bottle at our dinner table ,clear glass ,for water or juice ,they can pour that and we light a candle and talk about our day at the start.its just so civilised i love the little people telling me what they enjoyed in their day,i got that one from susan jeffers x

Patience, in response to your last two lines of post 23.18 all I can say is do not expect reasonable behaviour from someone who is totally unreasonable!! I had same with my xh so many times, hated me one min, loved me the next . If you try to understand them you'll only mess up your own head!! Detach, detach, detach.............tis the only answer!! P.S. the tears are always for themselves, NEVER for the poor dcs they hurt or NEVER for their poor wife's that they put through hell............

Christ Patience you are a saint & really deserving of your name I say that in reference to candle on table etc!

Anytime I attempt to light candles here they last about 30 seconds before they are spotted & blown out by my younger two!! As a health & safety precaution I now only light candles when they are firmly tucked up in bed. Wonders how Patience manages this as here dc's are same age as mine Must brush up my parenting skills me thinks