Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.3

[Teaandcakeplease]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings. Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

Yep for that I'm thankful.

I cannot believe what an utter jerk your ex is Patience. You must have the patience of a saint quite frankly. Never a more apt nick name.

Patience, yes today I can believe it because it just keeps happening. Relationships break down but when it comes to dc it's usually the fathers who let them down. That's why it's so shocking when you hear of women doing it (like XP's OW). Women are usually wired differently I think. Otherwise, the human race would have died out long ago.

Evening Ladies

So sorry that some of you are having a shitty time with deadbeat X's and not feeling on top of your normal game

Getting, well done on everything, your really going from strength to strength and it's is great to see :o

ET, yes i too think hiding the thread would be a very good idea if it's distressing you

Patience, well done on the paperwork, i hope they can get things sorted for you, if X is working away does that mean he has been employed? as i think someone said he was self employed which is easy to fiddle so it looks like he's earning a pittance whereas if he's employed then he cant hide anything
Also with a divorce does that mean you cant go to CSA? as i would contact them too

Tea, your XH and OW is i cant believe she thinks he should see his DC less, i mean seriously, did her friends not tell her how hurt and let down they were growing up with no dad around, am glad he is making a stand on this, i applaud him for it as some lesser men wouldn't, it is the same if we meet someone, love me love my kids, end of

Hope your doing ok Goo, Happy, Starting and everyone else

have been up and down lately and it starting to pee me off, cant sleep for hours on a night with things going round in my head and had an emotional day yesterday which left me in tears for 3 hours as i have certain family members i see only once a year and it's always emotional but usually i have X here to give me a hug and to talk to about it all and yesterday i didnt have that and it made me very sad and today he text asking how it had gone as someone had reminded him about it and i pretty much text back what do you care, my life has nothing to do with you any more mind your own business
I was probably at bit oversensitive but i'm still dealing with him not being there for me as he usually would and it felt like an intrusion and like he was looking for gossip because he has told me many many many times he doesnt give a crap about me and this was something that effects me not the DC so i didnt understand why he was asking
I'm feeling very vunerable atm and contact with him is just a no no, it's not like he's doing anything to help with DC either practically or financially which just makes me angry and upset so i'd rather he just didnt bother, argh not even sure if i'm making sense

Patience when we having a disco night then?

You're making complete sense Sov. ((hugs)) lovely. You're a super woman 4 kids and an Ex who hardly helps you at all.

So sorry about yesterday, it's horrid meeting extended family who are toxic. Especially not having any back up or anyone to unpack it with after either. Can you not avoid them completely and cut them out of your life if they're that toxic? You need positive people in your life right now. Feel free to vent on here about it all x

Hi everyone.
Much love to Patience - you are becoming serene and you are so strong, as well as trying to build a new type of relationship with your x for the sake of the kids and he is still revisiting his horrible old behaviour patterns. It is sad for your kids and he is letting them down on so many levels. Good job that you are the centre of their little world - I couldn't think of a better person either. Stay strong. You ar swimming in positive vibes of your own making x
Sov - hello love. Sorry you are going through the same thing as Patience. Much love to another very strong and admirable woman x
Hi everyone else.
Party - so sorry about your dp. Didn't want to comment yesterday because it sounds so much like my exbf it's scary. My advice would be to step back and let him get on with it for a while. Being on your own is scary and I completely understand how crap it is to go through emotional turmoil all over again (been there twice since my divorce with two blokes) but ultimate serenity awaits, I promise. Been thinking of you today x

Waves to Sov,no this is all self employment stuff so CSA no use to me.Also this could all just be a lot of shite tbh,how do i know if hes working away or weekend away with gf ,i dont have the strength anymore i need to fast forward six months,anyway Spring /summer always goes faster .
How about friday night for some tunes ?

Many thanks ggm,been really stressed about money also which doesnt help ,but tommorrow is another day.

I'm humbled by the women on here who have to survive without money or time from exes. You all have my utmost repsect.
When I was out with the girls from exbf's village on Saturday I mentioned that I'd been making friends on here and visited some great women. One of the girls, who's got a barrister for a husband, four kids, doesn't need to work, sits at home all day when they're all at school, lives in massive countyr pile said "Ooh mumsnet, how very la di da" I didn't even give a response. Just mentally thought what a twat she was. She has no fucking idea. Never been heartbroken, never been mentally or physically abused, never had to look after her kids on her own, never had to worry about money, never had to wonder if her kids miss their dad...the list goes on. I immediately thought that I'd much rather be friends with all the fabulous women on here than with her. And also made me think (not for the first time) how bloody proud I am to be part of this group and to be a single mum. Respect and love to us all xxx

Hello ladies, huge rows and long convos with ex today. He has never responded to my questions about selling the house - today I got an email telling me that there was no 'us' involved in selling it. It was his and he was clearing it and he'll let me know what I 'need' to know.

Turns out - my goodness, he does get worse...that he will be demanding a much larger stake in any profit from the sale as me working part time so I could bring up the children was my 'lifestyle choice" and he earned 3 times what I did so he is entitled to more money.

Went to collect some of my DDs stuff - he's changed the locks.

Blazing rows where he told me he has been going through my Tweets to see what I'm saying, I asked why he was even interested and he said "Once I started looking I couldn't stop" So he knows all about my new bloke, where we go and what we do.

He was most upset about something I wrote about the last 10 years being a waste of time...well, they were to me - I thought I was with someone I was going to grow old with!

He's upset with ME! for simply writing that

I told him that if I wanted to move from the area (as I'm renting) then I would - he was mortified! I said that my future and the life for my girls is not based around his convienience!

He spent an hour on the phone tonight trying to explain to me that 'he's not a bad person' I listened like a good ex and I was so calm and cool and collected when I told him, that yes, he was a bad person and he's a disgusting scumbag and if it wasn't for the girls - he wouldn't even be the sort of person I would associate with.

He told me he's 'so chuffed and so pleased' that I have found a new man, he's 'really really happy' that I've moved on.

Calmly told him - his opinion on my life means nothing to me, I couldn't care less whether he was happy, sad or indifferent.

Told him that my life is on the up and us splitting was the best thing to happen to me and I can't quite believe that I have new job, new man and new future.

Chin Chin Tossbag

Legally where do you stand on the property proceeds Kate? He's really taking the p*ss now

When I spoke to CAB a year ago they told me that it would be 50:50 from property unless one of you can prove you have put a significant investment in (i.e. lump sum).

Working part time to bring up children has nothing to do with it...can't remember what they called it. The only thing I can think of is that the mother "sacrificed earnigns to bring up children" but I don't think that is what I am thinking of.

Its always about winning and control isnt it ,PRICKS!

Evening all. Thought I should come out from lurking to prove I have not disappeared Getting.

Awful to hear about the issues some of you are having with XHs. Why do they have to behave like such tw**ts huh. I must admit that it's lovely having mine living so far away although it's sad for DS. Definitely think from our perspective it's just best to have nothing to do with them.

Getting, sounds like you are doing incredibly well with the move. My head is a little in the sand still with the divorce but I am really starting to force myself to move on it now. I need to get shot of him and just pay him off, what a sponger he is.

Kate, legal advice definitely important I think for you in your situation.

Tea, that is sad what you say about XH. Crazy isnt it for him to have gone through all that and then end up on his own.

Patience, deep respect to you for sorting out forms.

Elsie, I haven't read that thread but sounds like one to avoid.

Sov, I am definitely giving your xh the prize tw** award. He just seems totally useless.

Waves to all I've missed.

Happy I agree hoping tomorrow will be brighter,but a different hemisphere would suit me best atm.

i wish you all wouldn't use terminology that new people have no idea of understanding!

Hi Exter and welcome, sorry if we've confused you, which terminology are you struggling with we would be happy to explain

Thanks for the hugs everyone

Happy, i dare say X would wear his award with pride, unfortunely

Patience, friday sounds great for music will pick up a bottle of wine specially :o

Slightly, i think you might be right about that

Kate, are you and X married and is your name on the mortgage? think if it is he cant change the locks best speak to solicitor asap

Goo, i am proud to be part of this group constantly, i dont know where i'd be without you all

Tea, before i was with X when i was 16 i had step children, (my then partners) i was with him for 3 years and i left because of DV (domestic violence)
I loved those children as i love my own now, their mum couldn't cope at the time and they were with us more often than not, once she sorted herself out the children went back to her but since then she brings them to see me once a year, the eldest 2 are 15 (DTSD's) now the other is 14(DSS) They all have very strong memories of living with me and i love to see them but find afterwards that i feel very down as i do miss them so much (like i said they were like my own children)
I'm in text and email contact with the girls regulary but seeing them is always emotional and my X was always supportive and there with the hugs after i had seen them as i always feel like my babies are being taken away IYSWIM I would never stop seeing them unless they didnt want to but i dont think that is going to happen, it's a difficult situation to explain to people and most find it rather strange so i just dont tell anyone and keep it to myself, so this time not having anyone to hug me and having to deal with those emotions alone was very very hard but no matter the pain for them i will endure :)

Sov, that sounds like a really difficult situation. Lovely to have a good relationship with those kids but sad too. What a lovely lady you are to be a wonderful mum to your DCs and to give support to those kids too.

Exeter this is a thread that stemed out of an older thread linked in blue in my message dated Sun 06-Mar-11 16:20:38. Acronyms can be found here if that helps?: www.mumsnet.com/info/acronyms

Sov that sounds really hard, completely agree with Happy. You're one special lady.

Sov ur story touched me this morning,ur such a kind hearted person with so much love to give.not many women would have stayed in touch over the years.

Feels good to have done the paperwork.
Got loads of work to do so working thru it,also goin to the printers and ordering supplies.
We all have drippy colds so explains my crankiness yesterday.
Hoping for a quick divorce,tea how long did it take for urs ?
Hi to exeter ,what brings u to dumpling corner?Hope ur cool .

Morning lovely to hear from so many and I need it this morning

Elsie yes I have stopped reading that thread. How is your ds now is he still seeing a counsellor at school ?

Happy pay him off it will be acrimonious and expensive to fight him and may end up costing more or the same in any case. Just try and convey your disdain that he would expect so much. Try and bite the bullet , fill in the forms etc and get it done as fast as possible

Sov I agree with the others you are totally amazing bringing up 4 dc with zero input from your shitty ex. You sound like you have had soo much to deal with on your life and you will get through and come out of this low period.

Tea what can you say about xhs gf and thank goodness hes not so in thrall to her that he will give up his dc she sounds thorougly obnoxious. Good on you from taking no pleasure in whats happening that is true detachment

Goo my god how charming that woman sounds , there are so many smug people out there but then again she may yet end up washed up on MN because her H has been shagging his lovely assisant. Hows things at school now ?

Patience well done see it through now and start nailing him down , god he is awful

Kate your ex sounds like he is going to be as mean as possible and I hope you are getting decent legal advice. Thank goodness you sound more angry than hurt and so strong

Well I am having a small relapse atm. After sorting through those cards etc yesterday and being reminded of all our happy times I have had mixed emotions.

On one hand its made me realise why I spent all those years trying to obtain xhs love and approval and how I didnt just give up when he changed. That him loving me and us being happy wasnt a figment of my imagination and I had had a marriage ans husband worth fighting for.

On the other its made me so incredibly sad that an event in his life ended up destroying us and that our dc have all this to deal with. To use a WWIFN phrase the timeline from his cards/letters to me showed very very clearly what I have always believed which is his deterioation in loving me began when his career ended and that in some way he subconsciously pins all his unhappiness about that part of his life onto our relationship. He has never accepted this yet to me its crystal clear.

I know that thats life but to think that if he was still working where he was a decade ago we might still be very happy together is so sad.

Saying that the plus is if we were still together now I would still be here trying to deal with the fall out because he still very affected by it. Alpha males, never again.

Also had a nasty scene with ds this morning who was so vile to me I was in tears when he left for school but I know he is struggling with stuff atm.

Anyway tg for this thread and being able to say all this to such a sympathetic group of lovely ladies. We are thriving and doing so well with all our different problems we are amazing xx

Hi Exeter Hi all

Patience -your H is the end he really is. As you say the money is for little kids! Selfish selfish person. Just right to get the legal stuff sorted. There is nothing else now really

Elsie -yes Im sure the other thread is upsetting and I would avoid too.

Kate if you have any legal call on the house he is not allowed to change the locks. He is so selfish I want to give him a slap (shouldnt say that as I am non violent but I feel like it)

Goo you have put into words how much I feel. There are so many women are Bridget Jones smug marrieds -who havent a clue about real reality. Love the way you put it!

Party glad to catch up on your story -sorry youve got more difficulties to deal with. Relationships -who'd have them?

Starting -glad you got a Big Hair! I also got a different kind of hair experience entirely recently and am very happy with it!

Tea - sorry to say it but I see your x's current relationship as car crash waiting to happen. I was going to say GF is immature but actually I will say selfish self centred and probably narcissitic. Glad he is seeing the kids regularly and that it seems he will continue to do so. It must be the weirdest thing to kind of be a confidante to your X. Bizarre.

Sov - Im too in awe of you keeping in touch with your stepkidds and now looking after your 4 on your own -amazing! TO vent why not do your venting here or even start a new thread for it -its a huge issue adn you might get some good support on it from people who really appreciate your position

Getting also in awe of where you are and how you have moveed on and dealing with everything. I too wonder how these men with huge sense of entitlement will fare in the future.

Some not good things happening

Feel DS behaviour getting worse. Have been trying to do stuff to help but its hard. And there is a drip drip every day of something he says or does that is totally inappropriate or annoys another child. Or another child says to me how weird he is or someone totally leaves him out of stuff like party invites given out at school today and he gets nothing. It just hits me every time -and H gets very little of it.

And also found out have to have serious operation. Very shocked. It is good as it will solve long term medical problems Ive been having but I never thought Id need an op. DOnt know when it will be -find out next week.

H being in one way kind over a lot of things but not really pulling together with me.

Cant see it I think, think there is something missing in him really duet o his upbringing. Kids always miss him and want to see him but he wants the attention but always to keep distance and keep control.

No word from my job whether I get interview which is frustrating.

Waves everyone else.

Xposted with you Getting -sorry its harder today. (())

Oh Mumfun sending you much bigger hugs back because dealing with upsets to do with our dc is tenfold harder than anything xs put our way.

Can I ask does ds have awareness that he is being left out of things or that other dc are reacting to him ? I know it would still be painful for you but less so if he wasnt affected so much iyswim ?

God so sorry to hear about needing an op but if its going to improve your quality of life I guess you have to focus on that ? Dont mean to sound glib.

Got my fingers crosses for you about the job, god what a mixed bag of stuff you have to deal with right now. Keep strong x

Getting I can work everything back to when dd was born and X started working alongside a bloke that drank in the pub at 5pm everyday,divorced,dumped his wife and kids,2 days a week gf and letched on anything under 21yo in the pub.X used to laugh at him ,now he is him only much poorer financially.