I was thinking yesterday about how it would have been so much less painful if xh had just left and been single and he and I had been on a road to recovery on an equal footing. That the jealousy that he has someone else to get him through it all is so unfair. Then I realised that if that had have been the case I would have taken far longer to accept it was really over between us because I would have kept thinking he would realise he had made a mistake and would want to come back. As it was although it was much more painful it was also much quicker to get to where I am now.
For me party ow is living my life but she is welcome to it and I mean that. On friday when I came through the door and xh was finishing moving his stuff out the first thing he said to me was "I know you dont want to talk about what happened yesterday" (the blow up with the dc and what ow had said) to which I calmly replied "How do you know I dont want to talk about it ?" So he says "Well I dont want to talk about it I was so upset last night" Now to me that small sentence encapsulates his attitude telling me what I think, projecting that he doesnt want to talk onto me and also just trying to control in that we arent going to talk about it.
OW is , for now, living my life in that she has him doting on her , speaking respectfully to her and him doing everything for her etc. The thing is though he had long since stopped doing those things for me and would never have returned to doing them. To me therefore she may as well being getting all that from him because it doesnt change anything for me if that makes sense.
Also however much doting she is enjoying she will still be living with his views on the world, his sense of entitlement which may not be showing yet but it assuredly will , his self importance and all the rest of it. For now he has his drinking under control but going into the future I am sceptical that will last forever. What has always convinced me ow is a gold digger is that she served him his drinks for years and must have seen him totally paralytic dozens of times yet she she still jumped on him when the chance arose. Who would want a guy that goes out every single night and weekend leaving his family at home while he gets drunk ? Of course maybe she thinks she could change him and on the face of it he has changed I suppose but I am unconvinced it will last.
I do feel I have finally reached a place of indifference. When I approached the house on friday and saw the van outside and knew I would have to talk to him I felt nothing even after the blow up of the previous day. Listening to his tired old self congratulation about his financial generousity yet again I just thought "Sigh"
I know when we have left this house this will be even stronger and looking ahead when I have a job and hopefully my teeth into something that challenges/occupies me these thoughts around our marriage will vanish completely.
I was chatting to my sister about this and saying I would never have thought so many emotions and thoughts could exist about the breakdown of a relationship. Also that I would never have thought it possible that being in a relationship could take over your whole life and personality at every level.
Anyway today I am going to chase up xh on sorting out which solicitor we are using for the divorce as its been 2 weeks now. My house moving solicitor is on holiday this week so there wont be any news on that but hopefully next week we will get an exchange of contracts date.