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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.3

1001 replies

Teaandcakeplease · 06/03/2011 16:20

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong Smile

This thread is for ex dumplings. Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

OP posts:
Patienceobtainsallthings · 20/03/2011 01:36

ok bit of a text convo with X tonite ,just about dcs but harmless and good because he texted back and we talked so i think thats good Confused
felt in control.

Teaandcakeplease · 20/03/2011 07:50

Really great Patience that you had a pleasant text with H for a change, let's hope this is a new chapter from his horrid texts.

Starting I know Sad I'm still feeling a bit numb about it all and shocked. Especially as her son is the same age as my cheeky boy. Poor Edgar and her family. Yes get back on the dating scene, I like living vicariously through you Wink You have more gumption than I'll ever have Grin

Bit quiet on here, hope everyone is well and having a great weekend.

OP posts:
IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 20/03/2011 08:02

Am also shocked about the Edgar thread. Hard to know what to say as so sad. Puts things into perspective doesn't it.

thereturnofElsieTanner · 20/03/2011 08:25

I'm lurking too. Tea, Edgar's thread is heartbreaking. There are no words to express the hell that they must be going through.

Patience, glad you got some sense and sensibility out of your X. I find it easier to communicate via text with XP. Having said that, we are managing to talk properly to each other very politely at the moment. He has told me how much he intends to pay for ds and whilst it's not loads it's certainly well above the CSA minimum. Unfortunately, he's not in a position to contribute to the mortgage, bills etc and I know that is true. I think if he had the money he would contribute to be honest. He's never been mean with money which is why he is now in so much debt.

I asked him to let the dog out for me on Friday as I had to go on a training day and he fed him, then took him out for a long walk and played ball (literally Smile). Mind you, I did point out that I have been looking after his cat for 9 months. I like cats but she is very bad tempered and only likes XP.

Well, I hope everyone is fine. It is quiet on here but hopefully it's a peaceful and serene sort of quiet. GGM, hope you feel better about things today. Big wave to Starting, Happy, Getting, Mumfun, Sov and everyone else. Off to M & S for the meal deal in a bit Smile.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 20/03/2011 10:09

he texted again this morning about something else,Iwanted him to know we don't have to do these chats angry anymore.I just said stuff like blame ,hate and guilt are all bad for the kids and its all about building a calm pathway now and showing stable behaviour over the split.I said the lies are the only thing that make me angry and there is no need anymore,bitterness wrecks kids lives.
Anyway I've said my bit, needed him to see his lies don't help me to move on.
Hope everyones cool.
Loads of work to do atm ,need to focus a bit more on work.

thereturnofElsieTanner · 20/03/2011 11:43

I've got loads of work to do too but I'm going to focus more on me as that's still a work in progress Grin.

gettingeasier · 20/03/2011 12:17

Hi

Elsie I am so glad you have reached an agreement with xp is that it done and dusted or just round one ?

Starting so many around me now doing internet dating but I still cant contemplate it Hmm

Happy nice to see you gutted wont be at the party but will have 11 preteen dc raging around the place instead

Patience all sounds good with xh , what you doing with your dc free time ?

Sadly yesterday one of ds long time friends Mum died , not unexpectedly but still. DS has taken it hard and rang xh to talk and xh came straight over and picked him up and they went for a drive to talk. They have made up after thursday so I am glad. I didnt know this Mum very well but its still horrid.

On a happier note my sisters came yesterday overnight. DD worships the younger one as she is big into make up etc and clothes etc. Was a lovely evening dd had done all the cooking for a 3 course meal she did soo well. She got dumped by her h last summer on the first day after their first wedding anniversary after a huge wedding. She is pretty ok even though quite messy and is seeing someone she really likes now and has been seeing for 6 months. There was a full character assasination of the xh though and of course I had to keep quiet about my xh with the dc there grrrr.

Very tired as we stayed up chatting until 2.30 and I woke up early but after doing ds football I have a nice easy day Smile

pinksmarties · 20/03/2011 15:13

Getting, very sad about DS friends mum,

glad you had a nice time with your sisters tho. Your DD did all the coocking for a 3 course meal ?

googoomama · 20/03/2011 15:37

Hi everyone. Had lovely lazy day - done nothing. Read Edgar's thread - how awful - it does put things into perspective. I can't imagine what she must be going through.
Glad everyone seems to be having a serene time :)

Patienceobtainsallthings · 20/03/2011 16:29

Getting he's working away so no child free time for the next few weeks .took them to Sunday school ,Ds found a trolley and was pulling the other kids around the garden.then cycles round the village ,went to the beach and to the park ,bit of shopping then home .

Patienceobtainsallthings · 20/03/2011 17:23

Thanks Elsie,someone today was giving me business advice and I just said,that's all well and good if I was 25 yo and single but I need to be able to do what suits my life.I said I was only a year and a half into this marriage breakdown thing and I'd be another year and a half b4 I was truly out the other side.I just think u do what u can ,well,and dont heap unnecessary pressure on myself.Yep my life is definately a work in progress x

gettingeasier · 20/03/2011 18:05

Mine too and wish it would start progressing a bit faster because I am seriously bored with it all atm and have the sensation that I am just treading water. Its like groundhog day , ok now I have detachment related thoughts and unpainful thoughts but what would be really nice is just no thoughts at all actually.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 20/03/2011 18:51

Yep I think that's yr 3.
As I see it 2010,excruciating pain.
2011 acceptance of the breakup with wobbles
2012 X definately out my head ,new sexy love god in my bed .

gettingeasier · 20/03/2011 19:01

Sod that 2011 acceptance, celebration and letting realisations sit for 0.2 seconds in your brain and then thinking oooh I wonder if sexy love god will go and make me a coffee..Grin

Patienceobtainsallthings · 20/03/2011 19:19

Good for u getting ,I'm not there yet ,next yr I really think I will be ie not have to mention him in conversation.

thereturnofElsieTanner · 20/03/2011 19:36

Ah, call me a party pooper, call me a sceptic but what will sexy love god expect in return for coffee on demand? I don't want a sexy love god any where near my kettle.

partytime · 20/03/2011 20:23

Last week I posted about my lovely weekend with new-ish DP and about my exh being bloody difficult in our negotiations re maintenance. Well this week what an about turn!!

Exh and I met, had a reasonably good discussion and made some headway. I was so happy, a big step, firstly that he seemed to be realising where I am coming from with regard to my needs financially and secondly that we spoke civilly to each other. There is still a way to go but progress at least.

But wtf is new-ish DP playing at???
I've been seeing him since June last year, and things moved pretty quickly, he is so unlike ex that it was a revelation to discover not all men are controlling, selfish, self-absorbed, emotionally retarded gits.

Anyway on two occasions previously DP has had a wobble in that he feels he can't give enough to the relationship because of all the other issues in his life, such as 4 teenage DC's, ex wife, running own business. Each time we have talked and decided we loved each other and to take each day as it comes and enjoy our time together.

This is what I thought was happening, until Friday night when it all came to the surface again. He says he needs time to sort his head out and decide how he feels about everything, including us. I am now utterly confused and sad, I can't believe this has cropped up again when I thought we had cleared the air. I haven't made demands on him, commitment wise, but have been honest about my feelings.

So what do I do? Do I walk away now and leave him to it? Suffer the sadness, knowing that I want to be with him and can't imagine not having him in my life.

Or do I wait around and see what he has to say when he's cleared his head, no matter how long that takes? Knowing that he could still end it all.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 20/03/2011 20:57

Pt because I'm not emotionally attatched to this man I think my initial gut feeling is he isn't ready yet for a long term relationship and he is scared and feeling a new pressure and that's taking his happiness away from being with you.I don't think this is anything to do with you personally atm ,but this kind of "its on ,its off " stuff must mess with your head big time.I guess he has to bite the bullet and find out what his problem is in the relationship.be aware that needing space can just be a cowards way of getting out a relationship.If I was being kick ass super fox I would let him leave and go cold turkey and really work on the self love super confidence bit.If he doesn't want to be with you better to get out now for your emotional well being.If he does come back ,good chance he will do it again,but that's the chance you take with reconcilliations.
Well done re XH this will bring u peace when its sorted out and free you of him in ur new relationships .
Just remember always that we can only control ourselves not our partners ,but we can learn to cope with their actions better as we become stronger emotionally.big hugs pt June is a long time ago and I know Starting had strong feelings for her NM too.But if its right it will work and if its not ur free to find someone else x

partytime · 20/03/2011 21:20

Patience, this is why I'm so confused, June was a long time ago and for him to decide now that maybe it's all too intense or deep, whatever you might call it. I know there's no one else, I've met his DC, his mum and dad, his friends, had lovely weekends away, nights out, all normal new couple stuff.

Part of me wants to walk away but I just can't. I've never once got the feeling he's not into me, he was the one doing all the chasing at first, he was looking for a long term relationship, I truly wasn't as I had only been single 8 months after 25 years with ex.

I know I can't control him or influence his feelings and I know I might have to deal with him calling it a day, I just wish he'd make his mind up, it is doing my head in.

I thought I'd done with this kind of thing when I was a teenager!!

thereturnofElsieTanner · 20/03/2011 21:33

Partytime, he won't realise what he's lost 'til it's gone. Just distance yourself for a while. Not to play games but just so you can both decide if it's for you or not. Better to find out now and at least he's being honest. Sometimes you have to let go to get a better grip.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 20/03/2011 21:41

It would do my head in too pt.that's why after everything I've learnt protecting ur self esteem thru this is imperative.if he is in a relationship with u then he has to respect u emotionally.He can't and shouldn't be allowed to mess with ur head.

gettingeasier · 20/03/2011 22:06

This is the kind of stuff that keeps me single because I would be a mess and I know it hope he pulls himself together party

Teaandcakeplease · 20/03/2011 22:14

Me too Getting. No wise words for pt as I'm like a fish out of water when it comes to dating quite frankly.

OP posts:
Teaandcakeplease · 20/03/2011 22:15

Must be so hard for you though pt, it would consume my thoughts constantly in your shoes.

OP posts:
startingovernow · 20/03/2011 22:30

Tea, yes what happened to that poor little boy really does put things into perspective & make you realise how lucky you are. Tbh I always count my blessings for my healthy dc's. I've always felt once my dc are ok then I can cope with anything.

Getting, also sorry to hear about ds's friend's mum. Glad to hear your xh was able to be there for your ds though. Again all I can say is life is shit sometimes Sad am thinking of the turmoil for that poor boy (& prob siblings) who's lost their mum Sad, along with a husband/partner I guess. Death can be so cruel sometimes. There seems to be a real run of it here too with lots of v young people dying v tragically & suddenly. I guess it's a bit of that that makes me think I need to dust myself down & get back out having a bit of fun again! I'm like you in that it can be a bit ground hog day here too.

Oh Party, my heart goes out to you as I had similar with my NM (christened on here as Norm as he was complete opposite of xh i.e. Normal!!). I had an intense 5mts of it too & like your situation he was the one pushing for relationship/commitment/future plans etc. He got a solicitors letter from his xw for having a general chat with his dd about how she would feel if he was to meet someone etc & he ended up finishing with me & running to the hills in fear Sad. It really shattered me tbh which I hadn't expected. I didn't realise how much I'd fallen for him until it was over Sad. I really hope you & NM will be able to work this out. I think when you go through the breakup of a longterm relationship or marriage you really think nothing will be able to hurt you like that again. It's like a false sense of security though I realised as it's completely untrue. When you've healed enough to try to move on & then second relationship goes wallop it hurts like f**k too Sad. Sending you lots of virtual ((Hugs)) & really hope this is just a minor blip on the road.

Goo, glad you had a restful weekend Smile

Patience, you'll know yourself when you're ready to move on. Of course you could pass the time with a Puppy type character in the meantime (just for sexual pleasure without any emotional attachment Grin). Just saying like Hmm Grin, might make a nice change from the RR Grin

Hope everyone else is doing well..........

ET, glad you've started to get things sorted with xp.

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