Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.3

[Teaandcakeplease]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings. Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

Did it work, did it work?!?!?

Yes it did !!!!!
I am so excited ha ha ha x

:)

ok i am going to celebrate with a song ,this is appropriate because when things go pear shaped we want to hang on to some bastard because its the only thing we know but instinctively we all know when its time to walk away and when to run like fuck ! Ok back in a minute .

Nice one Patience :)

get all the money u can for ur kids and run like fuck thats my advice to anyone getting divorced.
they will lie and lie and lie so they dont have to eat baked beans out a can but that is not ur problem .

ok i played this lots and lots but this is all about being in an abusive relationship and what its like when u escape.

Love this song. Love it. Every relationship I've been in has been abusive to some extent. Mainly because I've let them be. Still trying to come to terms with all the men I've loved not being in love with me. It's taking time. And getting used to being calmer is also taking time. I'm so used to being on a knfe edge, or a huge high. Feel like a massive numb lump at the moment. Got nothing to say, nothing to get excited or unhappy about. This may sound bloody weird but I don't like it.

U just have to sit with it ggm until life fills the gap with positive healthy stuff.Patience obtains all things lol.Honestly ,it will happen ,i am setting aside a year for positive nourishment just for me ,it means being aware of the choices and being ur new best friend so u dont have to put up with shite anymore.What if i dont meet a new bloke ....well thats highly unlikely and wont happen if i jump on someone that is a total bastard and look needy etc.He needs to make the grade this time .Dont be so sure these guys didnt love u ggm.Its just a different love because of their emotional development ie underdeveloped.With my X he just goes straight to victim mode then agressive when he didnt get his own way.I know he loved me but i couldnt live like that .Screws ur head up getting the blame all the time and the other person not wanting to work at the problems involved.

Ok have read thread but head a bit mush & not retained much! Anyway, big day out today with dc's (no school/special event) so not to exclude xh I had told him he could either come to event or meet us after & take dc's for an hr or two. He said he would bring dc's for something to eat & for me to come too if I wanted. I hadn't said anything but intended going for a brouse around shops or something. Anyway we arrived a bit earlier than I'd arranged with xh & it was a bit awkward as he was talking to some friends that I would have known well. It was obvious that he'd told his friends he was meeting me & dc's & that we were all going for something to eat. Friends were being overly nice/friendly, when one in particular would probably have not acknowledged me previously. Anyway friends made hasty retreat & I ended up going along with it & going into restaurant with xh wondering wtf I was doing . I kind of thought it would be nice to do this with dc's on special day etc but in restaurant as luck would have it met another couple who we would have done a lot of socialising with previously. I just made a joke to xh that rumour on the street will now be that we've reconciled!! Anyway, even thought I was able to chat away with xh I felt really tense & agitated. I thought it was due to restaurant being v busy & trying to keep dc's under control but afterwards I realised that what was really bothering me was that even though I've no problem sitting down with xh or even having a meal together with dc's etc, I really do have a problem being seen in public with him with people we'd have known previously as a couple. Also, I have now suddenly been struck by an awful fg thought, I hope to god xh is not entertaining thoughts of a reconciliation!!! I'm fairly certain on the one hand that he couldn't as even today I was discussing details around our financial separation & long term plans etc & I'm equally fairly certain that he should know there isn't a fg hope in hell I'd ever take him back. Anyway, I've decided I'll need to be more careful in planning to avoid something like this happening in the future. I'd like to have a good relationship with xh for sake of dc's but I do not want to be seen in public out & about with him. F*g madness when I think about it, I'm in court with him in two mts for dv charges & playing happy families today .

Sorry about all the bad lauguage , just feeling annoyed with myself atm. I guess I'm just trying to find a balance between having an amicable relationship with xh & still respecting all that I had to go through over the way xh behaved.

This always gives me goose bumps and i relate to it soo much

sorry havent read but had to post as it stuck in my head

Hi sov and starting,wow starting wot can I say.this nbf stuff is all a bit mad eh.I just thought well done for eating anything after tooth extraction.just watched 3 episodes of eastenders ,just magnifies the whole needy female bit.
I just wonder what happens with folk when they do the amicable split.X was so criticised as a child ,he just shut down when I questioned his lifestyle.what happens when no conflict is involved and I have worked thru my own problems.hopefully it means strong co parenting.I think we are too wise to ever jump back into the fire but its strange to think they would ever want us emotionally in their lives after all they have done.who knows only time will tell x

Morning

Starting wow I am impressed at your dumpling serenity I simply cant imagine sitting down for a cup of tea with xh never mind a meal

Patience well done on techie know how

Well one of the first big blow ups since xh left happened yesterday morning at his place getting ready for school. Too long a story but ds went to school crying (literally cant remember when I last saw him cry - years ago)and came home really upset. The part of the situation that caused the major anger was ow critcising me and said a couple of unpleasant things and ds flew to my defence which resulted in WW3.

Xh had rung me during the day to give his version of events (half truths of course)but when ds came home and told me the full story I remained calm to him but then went out to the car and had a screaming blue fit at xh, like hes never had since leaving. Then followed up with a text containing some home truths. No response of course.

I hope for the dc this blows over - ds saying I hate them and dont want to go there - and of course with my direction it will. Yet again though he benefits from me doing the right thing which is to try and make sure it blows over for the dc sake whereas if I had a mind to I could fuel the fire.

Anyway I spent a couple of hours getting all his stuff from the loft etc yesterday and prior to all this we agreed he will come at 10am today to collect it. I managed not to take a hammer to the lot yesterday but he better make sure he comes and gets it today.

Fortunately after extreme anger serenity is back in place and I just think what a pair of shits they are.

Good news from yesterday is I passed my maths test and am onto next level

Well done re maths ,we r such clever dumplings,missing my Latin off school.
She is an under developed empty vessel getting.
Rule number one of step parenting ,don't slag off child's mother.
I wouldn't go out my way to smooth this over.I would let my son know u respect his opinion as a young adult and if he doesn't want to spend time with ow that's his choice.why put him in a room of negative energy.give him back some choice and control.doesn't mean he doesn't see his father.when does X move.is he going to live alone ,if so great for Ds.
Main thing is he doesn't feel bullied by her.funny how these women always show their true colours.
Well done on handling the situation x

Good luck at 10 am,
Beautiful day here,away to wash my crystals in the Loch.Got some beautiful cards made to sell in the workshop.need advice on setting up a Facebook page for the business .do u just set it up anyway but use ur business name instead of ur own name .I AM VERY SCARED OF FACEBOOK ,PLEASE HELP ME !!!!

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You may create a business account if you don't already have a standard Facebook account. To get started, you will need to first create a Facebook Ad or Facebook Page. Once you?ve entered in the required information, you will be taken to the "Facebook Login" page and asked if you have a Facebook account. If you do not currently have a Facebook account, then at this point, please select "I do not have a Facebook account." You will then need to enter your email address and date of birth.

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If you wish to manage ads for multiple clients, you will need to do so from one account. We suggest you restrict all ads for each client to separate campaigns. Unfortunately it is not currently possible to designate separate credit cards for each campaign or to have multiple administrators for the same ad account.

HTH

Cant manage much today - party last night! :) Then DCs up at 6 as excited about red nose day -arghhhh

So sorry Getting - Im so sad for DS - Im glad you got it out at H. Totally deserved. The only thing I think for DCs is at some point they put boundaries in place and expect respect from H and adults he socialises with. Maybe not now but later I think it would be right.Maybe expect to see H on his own.Just reread and think Patience saying same stuff in different way (have addled brain today) You did handle well and yes true colours of the OW. Better not tell story here but yes true colours of my OW came through so strongly in revised view of one of my friends and remarks about her from H one day - could hear horrible OW voice loud and clear.

Starting - youve just described something that Im very careful about - but I did fall down big style one day when we unexpectedly met cousins of Hs when out. Got out of there as quick as I could! Hope H doesnt entertain any ideas!

Patience we got a wifi printer too and it was a doddle to install and we love it! Will contact you re FB.

Hi to everyone else. Vegging at home day here!

Just quickly came back for tail end of him clearing his stuff.

He was initially contrite and full of apologies about sorry they were and how nothing like that had happened before. When I calmly didnt buy it the conversation deterioated aslthough no shouting. Managed to clear the air a little and get off my chest a couple of things.

What really irritates me is statements like "well I would be happy to swap and take them to school the other four days because I miss my children terribly the four night I go to bed without them " Really ? No sorry dont buy that for one tiny minute.

I wished him luck in sorting this out with them ie you are going to need it.

However he left the house calmly and there were no blow ups which I am glad about even though a few hard things were said by us both. It was a sufficiently long conversation for him to demonstrate several of the reasons why no matter how hard it can feel at times I am so much happier without him. Job done and all his stuff is gone too.

Patience and Mumfun I will ponder and you are right ds is 14 1/2 and has a good brain of his own. The key will be if I say Dad has apologised and I am fine with it now , I think they would take their cue from that. Whatever the outcome nothing I say will change the fact that for the time being ow is toast.

Oh yes and he told me to stop claiming they were having an affair before he left because he never laid a finger on her . He doesnt believe in EAs , funny that.

I have realsed too that ow probably deeply resents me as she has to go to work everyday pulling pints for c like xh while I swan around in my nice car and house doing nothing and living well on his maintenance. Oh well

Back later with the nicer version of myself

Nicely handled getting,ur Ds is of an age now that I expect he will make his own mind up and ur right by keeping ur side of the street clean ie not bearing grudges and moving on then ur setting a great example ,this isn't about controlling opinions but respecting them .
Thanks sov ,don't know wot I'm doin at all but don't have personal account so think I'm cool.would it be a bit like a website but folk can be friends and post comments ?

Thanks mf.
Re the printer,when I bought it ,it was easy to install ,that's what confused me.when I moved house and got new broadband had to "add printer " again VIA control panel.didn't know I had to do that as it was already showing as default printer.I had already configured the printer to the hub,so that was cool and computer was showing printer installed and printer was working with usb cable but turns out I have to add printer again and change this connection to default printer even although I only have one printer.LOL.

Just been out for lunch with a lovely friend.

I am really glad I posted this and actually Patience I think you are right I need to just let them sort it out with him themselves. I am always keen to try and direct things so that I can get the outcome for the dc I think they should have and I think its time for me to back off from that pattern of behaviour.

I set so much store by this idea that its vital that the dc perceive xh and I to have a good relationship but is it ? Also actually who am I trying to kid when they know for a fact we never set eyes on each other however respectfully we speak about each other.

I had a moment earlier where I was taken back to when he first left and every day I used to thank my lucky stars the dc lived with me and there was no controversy about this.

Listening to the voice behind the ham acting earlier I know xh does miss them and I have always known were I to say I cant cope he would have them living with him in a shot. I suppose time goes by and I take it for granted now I have them without any opposition from him and I will give them a big cuddle when they get home

I think a lot of my problems in relationships getting stem from my mothers need to smooth everything over and make everyone happy.I was nt really happy or well adjusted and spent most of my teenage years in my room.my mother excused the perpetrator and we were all meant to live happily ever after.she told me my version was wrong,she still does it but now I calmly tell her she is doing it,nothing major but just because she wants it to be a certain way she musnt steam roller my feelings.
Not saying ur doin this getting just saying for me this controlling a situation intensely leads to a very squewed perspective for a child.that isn't real life.I would have prefered a clever thoughtful parent that could have guided me unbiasedly thru my emotional roller coaster of emotions that were my teens.yes they have immature outbursts but their brains are developing and their hormones are raging.if ur x is moving out ow will be a bit cross she's not going too I would imagine.