Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.3

[Teaandcakeplease]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings. Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

Shit, x post Patience. Sounds like there's more to this than he's letting on. Surprise, surprise. Do you think the gf might have something to do with it? Not to let him off the hook or anything but it seems a bit out of the blue. Perhaps your detachment has had far reaching effects?

So sorry Patience that sounds awful! Hugs! Cant post more tonight but will be back. Waves to everyone!

Just had a wonderful weekend with lovely new (ish) man, he is so great to be with

Was supposed to talk to ex about maintenance this afternoon and he has cancelled again, as always he's too busy

Spoken to dc who's at uni and dc said that ex is really beginning to take an interest in them, well it's long overdue, he's been concentrating on his gf and neglecting dc. So dc tells me ex and gf moved into new house (rented) this weekend. He won't tell her where he's living though, how horrible is that.

I keep telling myself not to get worked up about this and not to care, I remind myself of my lovely weekend, but I'm still upset as it's another step for him getting his life sorted. But mine just remains uncertain and confused

patience wishing you luck too as it remains impossible for me to get anywhere with my ex regarding maintenance.

Aye exactly ,sounds like she has given him an ultimatum.tbh I just want maintenance.Elsie easier to run in the opposite direction when they are obsessed with a 21 yo.was tormenting myself overnight about their lifestyle but tbh I think she must be so fucked up to be with him its scary.
Will enjoy getting the kids maintenance ,phoning my lawyer tomorrow ,talk about consequences ,he says all his debt is my fault ,I said u spent ur money on drink and fags,that's why u have no money.U TWAT !
Nothing is ever his fault and now he has 21yo to validate him I'm up against DUMB AND DUMBER !!!

Hi everyone. Oh Patience - how bloody awful for you. I agree with ET - could there be more to this? Just feel so bad for you - you are so positive at the moment and really moving forward. I can't think of anything to say that won't sound completely cliched so I'm sending you lots of love instead - you are strong, wise and intelligent xxx
Maybee - good luck with Wednesday - it's exciting!
Hi everyone else. x

Fucking hell I crack myself up DUMB AND DUMBER Ffs don't know why I didn't think of that b 4 !

X post Patience. Glad you are keeping strong. Sounds like my ex - nowt is his fault either. It's always always a woman's fault.

I've been expecting it tbh.was just going to have a quiet night setting up my broadband ,instead I get dad of the year swearing at me again ,just a complete wanker,any guy that tries to wriggle out of childcare and maintenance is a total bastard imo.

Completely agree. He's beyond words.

And dumb and dumber is great! Like Kate's Toosbag and Foghorn - love that too! Trying to think of names for my exh and gf. Mortar mouth and Crabcake springs to mind :)

Patience that is really crap. Hope the solicitor tomorrow is helpful.

Well I'm failing miserably to keep up on here yet again ExH came and saw the kids today, nice day. Tried a different church on Sunday which the kids seemed to like.

ExH and OW are going through a rough patch again as she's firing ultimatums at him, as she doesn't want him to see the kids at mine ever and to see them once she moves down once a week only and elsewhere. They'd already decided not to live together a week ago to begin with, but see how it went once they were living close to each other, after her graduation.

Someone whose friends on my fb and hers has seen 2 pics from Christmas day lunch and texted her on Friday to say they thought she was coping well with ExH coming to mine for Christmas day and having a nice lunch with us. (Cannot figure out who, as I'm not impressed, as the photos have been on there for months now and my friends list is fairly static, so no one new has become my friend who knows her at all, but the text is verging on shit stirring quite frankly and was unnecessary). That sent her into outer orbit and she's been furious ever since with ExH as she's had a bug bear for quite sometime with how well we get one (as apparently I should hate him now) and how often he see's the kids here. She's now claiming she's wasted 2 years of her life with him, he's lied to her from the beginning and mislead her on how often he'd see the kids if we divorced and also blames me for his depression when we were still together etc. That's the crux of it. I actually feel sorry for ExH, he's thrown his whole life away with me and the kids for her and she's now turning into the bunny boiler from hell and keeps insisting she's compromised enough in their relationship and he has to agree to her demands etc. I suppose most women would be delighted that the relationship is breaking down in my shoes. I think in the earlier days before detachment I'd probably have had some glee over it, but not now, as it all seems so pointless what he put the kids through and me and it's clear he cares deeply for her but I really do think they're rapidly reaching the point of no return now. He lost all his friends and is a lonely guy now. I certainly do not want him back, but I do appreciate how often he see's the children. If he had his own place, it would be great if he could have them there instead, but it's like student digs where he currently is with the other people and he only rents one room there. But I'm more than happy to discuss contact arrangements and handle them differently but ExH says he's happy with how we do things and knows that as the kids grow and he settled down with OW things would change again with contact, but she cannot see that and isn't reassured it seems. Anyway I'm rambling. It's sad how he has only me to talk to about it all. But I do not mind. She's sent him about 5 or 6 e-mails since Friday long and full of vitriol as she's so cross, she's been speaking to her student friends from divorced families and then insisting he's unreasonable and all her friends from divorced families hardly ever saw their dad and he should be the same. Just goes to show that she was really unrealistic in how she thought things would be when we divorced and she bagged her man. I don't hate him, I've forgiven him and I'm very glad he see's the kids regularly.

This must sound really odd to some of you on here, I cannot believe it myself but we get on better now than when we were together, we're like old friends now. I sometimes wonder if we ever should have got married. We have 2 great kids but I'm very happy alone now. Just glad he's one of the few men it seems who keeps his promises on contact with the kids. I have very little to complain about really. Which is probably why I'm posting less really Hopefully some of this makes sense? I'm off to bed shortly as I'm shattered. So there'e the life and times of tea

Very self indulgent post

Sorry for the lack of paragraphs, it doesn't make it easy reading does it?

Anyway I really must drag this butt to bed, as DS is waking again at night a lot and was up at 5.45am today

And many thanks for the compliments ggm.I may be forced to agree with ya !
Thing is what keeps me going is knowing there is a smart funny bloke out there for me to have fun with.

Waves to tea.I must admit tea when I see X now we chat like friends and that must really piss gf off.last Sunday he built trampoline,ate Bacon sarnies,watched dvd ,did homework with Ds and left at half 4.even if he still calls me for everything to keep her happy ,I kinda think he misses our chats.he certainly isn't indifferent yet.I was like a second mum sorting him out ,he was never in debt with me .not in 16yrs ,yet another bloke that didn't do his sums and is learning the hard way.will never be a mother to a bloke again btw,just massively co dependant ,I had a real talent for making the dysfunctional appear normal .now I am shedding my old ways for something much better.

Tea, Patience, looks like both your OW clearly feel imsecure and very threatened by you. That's what detachment does, do you think? You detach, X sits up and takes notice and OW can't handle it when they say nice things about you. That's my theory. Patience, he wants to provoke you into anger because the alternative is to accept that you are in fact a decent human being and a wonderful mother. His life is easier when he can be angry back at you so he picks a fight. Then he can justify his own actions and keep the gf off his back.

Partytime, I know just how you feel about trying to get an answer re finances. It is driving me round the bend. Every month seems to be pick a number out of a hat but I can't work like that. It's infuriating, isn't it?

GGM, you've got me thinking about names for xp and ow now . Hard to do them justice but maybe something from Hammer House of Horror... Love Dumb and Dumber, Patience [rin]. Which one's which?

Hard to tell Elsie LOL !
Mine has always said I am a great mother and i told gf I would always be in Xs life cos we have dcs.
I do reckon he has noticed my detatchment.
Thing is I was gold medal RESCUER he knows I could sort out his problems,must be weird I haven't offered.Never actually thought of it b4.
Only idea he has had is stop paying maintenance.no one is offering to bale him out .so glad I read co dependant no more.

Funny how a lot of these OW ( our DP / DH SOULMATES!) end up being paranoid, demanding and needy.

Tossbag is sweetness and light when talking to me when she isn't around...she's anywhere nearby and.... he talks to me like crap.

It makes me laugh - to see him having his chain yanked liked that. I don't react.

I just think of her paranoia (checking my Twitter feed and photoblog...er, HELLO?) and think it's divine retribution for all the times I said to him "This isn't about XXXX is it? Do you feel something for her?" and he denied it EVERY time and made me feel paranoid and needy!

I hope she's an absolute nightmare. He deserves it.

I do react occasionally, can't help myself. I say in a calm,quiet way "Oh, are you acting a bit tough now because XXXX is listening? Riiiight..." then I laugh like a fucking drain in his face. Well, down the phone...but you know what I mean.

Tossbag n Foghorn Leghorn TLND well suited

He bloody hates it Kate that I talk about her as his gf.LOL.I think he thought I would go mental ,but I think the fact I couldn't give a flying fuck shows him this is his mess and all I want is maintenance.

Evening everyone

Havent had a chance to catch up yet, had no braodband for a week but engineer came and fixed it today so yay!

Had a right week of it but i've survived to fight another day

X was spotted out shopping monday with OW (who he still denies ffs) and low and behold tuesday i get a text asking how DC are, so i pointed out not too politely that it had taken him being seen out with OW to jog his memory that he had 4 DC and ask how they are after 5 weeks and of course they are fine, then saturday get a text begging to come see them and cause i didnt reply immediately i get the usual "take that as a no, i really miss them and love them" ect ect so seeing as DC had been asking about him this week i text back and said ok he could come to the house sunday 1pm dont be late and if he raised his voice he would be asked to leave refusal to do so would result in me calling the police,he said thanks so i told him i was doing it for DC not him as if i wait for him DD will forget who he is, he then repies saying best they forget about him and he'd only fuck it up so forget it
I knew straight away he was looking for a ego boost, my normal would have been, they miss you they love you , your a good dad ect ect but instead i text whatever!
40 minutes later he texts back and say see you at 1, WTF, so told him to make his mind up as i was losing patience and he said he would be here and not late
Lo and behold he was 5 minutes late for them grr, i asked him about getting his own place as i know he has been staying at OW's a lot and he said he'd been too busy, when asked with what it turns out he had been doing work here and there for people so why couldnt he have used that money to take them out then? am soo peed off with him it's unreal, i couldnt help a few snidey comments unfortunately but on the whole things went ok (even though i had sickness bug and fet shit) until DD threw up all over him, and kept throwing up everywhere, she had caught the bug off me poor love
X left after 5 hours, didnt arrange to see them again but i think he knew seeing them at mine was a 1 off and i would insit he take them out next time
After he left 1 sat with DD for another 2 hours before putting her to bed, just sat down and heard DS3 crying when i went up he was throwing up too :( after 2 duvets and countless sheets i brought him downstairs with me only to hear ds1 being sick too (MN should have a pulling hair out emoticon :o) so has 3/4 DC ill plus me, which = not a lot of sleep and a day off school for them today too, am not going to chance them still being ill tomorrow so will be keeping them off again to be on the safe side so no rest for me unfortunately
Am off to bed but will be back tomorrow to read everyones news, i hope you all have wonderful dreams tonight xx

Big hugs sov ur a superstar x

Ps love ur Xs gf justifying her idea of co parenting tea.her pals at uni didn't see their fathers so that's what ur x should be doing.You couldn't make this stuff up.

Morning

Patience what to say about xh and maintenance, hope your lawyer can get it sorted out

Elsie when my dc had to pack for the weekend for a while I hated it and those weekend bags represented all that was broken and unnatural , like everything else it passes. Keep perservering on the money front as you have to get it sorted and maybe hes relying on you giving up ?

Sov nice to see you back and hpoe you all feel better soon

Tea I hope the new church wasnt about avoiding your friend...I agree theres no pleasure to be had from the demise of your xhs relationship and what surprises me as someone from a divorced family is that ows friends didnt say they hardly saw their Dads but is was hard and how great xh wants a good relationship with his dc

Well had a great day getting house stuff done yesterday have a move date of the 20th April now so very excited.

I seem to have taken a huge step in detachment , something happened over the weekend which I posted and lost and dont have time now to redo atm. Suffice to say the feelings of neutrality I have been feeling about xh have been set in stone

This is great timing as there will be a need for a fair bit of contact in the next few weeks and I didnt want emotion involved.

Got a nice day ahead I think

Waves to everyone

Phoned lawyer just want things in writing ,I think he will renage on the offer he has previously agreed to .I need it all legally binding now.thing is if he doesnt pay and spends his money nothing I can do.I am relying on his integrity.[ shakes head ]

Nope you really couldn't make it up. It's unbelievable what she thinks.

Your ex is self employed isn't he Patience? So you're relying on him being honest

I almost feel that having that embarrassing moment with that guy actually gave me the impetus to look at why I keep going to this church and perhaps I should try a different one, a few of my friends are a part of. I often feel invisible on Sundays at my church. DD isn't enjoying the kids work and won't go in it anymore, been about 3 months now. At the end of the service I end up chasing them both to keep an eye on them as it's such a big church. No one offers to help and most of the time I feel lonely, despite knowing so many people there. Every church is different and actually it was really nice to try this other one. I've been in my current church for about 10 years, it's very comfortable knowing lots of people there and I'm definitely still going to attend the mums and tots groups and Fridays women group at that church. The people were really friendly at the other church, it was very relaxed. DS kept going up to one lady for hugs in the service. LOL. It's a much much smaller church though. The childrens work was really nice and DD stayed in it and was happy there, after the service everyone chatted to me and helped me with my children. It was really nice. So I'm actually glad that guy turned me down as I think this other church is nice. I'm not planning to leave my old church, but it's nice sometimes to go somewhere different for a change sometimes. I don't care anymore what that guy thinks, the feelings have faded now thank goodness, took about 6 days though.