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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think that I have just been gaslighted by dh for the first time in our 12 year relationship

111 replies

BertieFromBirmingham · 05/03/2011 11:41

How dare he

How fucking DARE he try to make out I got this wrong.

I am incandescent.

The company dh works for has just been through a round of redundancies. THankfully he survived. One of his colleagues who lost her job invited everyone from their department to a farewell lunch at her house today.

When dh told me about it a couple of weeks ago he said he'd take both our children with him to give me some time on my own. Bit of backstory, I am exhausted with non sleeping baby, he is away a lot, no family nearby so I very rarely get time on my own to recharge. He has had time to himself occasionally, not often but more than I have. I put it to him at Christmas that he needed to make more effort to take the children off my hands as I am burning out. So, when he offered, completely unprompted, I was delighted and I have been looking forward to today so very much.

So, this morning, he starts talking about how he's picking up colleagues to take with him. So you're not taking the children then??? He said that he could take one of them as that was all the space he had in the car.

WHen I told him that he had let me down as I was expecting to be on my own today, he said that he told me last week he could only take one of them (errr NO YOU DIDN'T)

He then went on to say that he only ever offered to take one of them (errr NO)

I had a proper go at him (within earshot of dc's :( ) about how I was not going to let him change history or lie to me in order to cover up his fuck up.

He insists that he never said he'd take them both.

He has taken both of them, acting all normal on the way out as if there was nothing wrong.

THer have been (less serious) issues between us for a while and we've been working on our relationship. He's never done anything like this before. He has lied a couple of times but when challenged he's admitted it.

I am utterly confused. I KNOW what he said to me when today was first discussed. He is adamant he didn't say anything of the sort.

I also know that gaslighting is classic EA and I WILL NOT accept this treatment. I have told him so this morning.

Is it common in terms of EA for this sort of thing to start after 12 years??

Really don't know what to make of it and would appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:

compo · 05/03/2011 11:44

Jeez calm down

he's taken them both out to give you a rest and you're spending the time slagging him off on the Internet?

peppapighastakenovermylife · 05/03/2011 11:46

What is gaslighting?

Original poster

BertieFromBirmingham · 05/03/2011 11:46

So I should just put up with the fact that he has spent an hour this morning trying to convince me that we never had a conversation that I clearly remember?

OP posts:

Original poster

BertieFromBirmingham · 05/03/2011 11:47

Peppa Gaslighting

OP posts:

WriterofDreams · 05/03/2011 11:47

I can totally understand your anger but I think you may have lost perspective a little bit. What he did was childish and silly yes and extremely annoying but I wouldn't class it as EA, especially if it's not typical behaviour for him. He tried to wriggle out of an arrangement that was important to you by lying. It's stupid behaviour but not unheard of. I'm not saying for a second that you should accept it, but don't assume either that he has suddenly become abusive and that there's no hope for your marriage.

You mentioned other issues - what are they?

olivertulliver · 05/03/2011 11:47

What is EA and what is gaslighting? And, you seem very cross, is it such a huge deal or maybe just a bit of a misunderstanding?

compo · 05/03/2011 11:49

I appreciate you're angry but it feels like you're shooting yourself in the foot because you're not enjoying some peace and quiet , you're clearly all steamed up and angry
I know it's hard but you'll be even madder if don't feel rested when he comes back

WriterofDreams · 05/03/2011 11:49

EA - emotional abuse.

BertieBotts · 05/03/2011 11:50

I think you may be overreacting a bit TBH. You are right that his behaviour is gaslighting, but for the first time after 12 years, if he's never shown any other signs of being abusive or controlling, it's more likely to be him misremembering rather than him deliberately misleading you.

BUT - then I reread your post and saw there have been other issues in the relationship - do you want to elaborate? If there have been other abusive behaviours then yes, this kind of behaviour can escalate - no abuser starts straight away with awful behaviour. It's a slow drip drip so you don't notice what is happening.

But it's hard to say. Please remember if you're exhausted you're likely to be making things into a bigger deal than they are. OTOH if he is being abusive in other ways then I don't want to belittle your experience. Just take some time over it.

lubeybooby · 05/03/2011 11:50

No... not put up with it , but you haven't put up with it today and stood your ground, well done. I'm not sure what to say apart from keep an eye on things and if he tries it again maybe look into counselling together.... bearing in mind you mentioned other issues that is, not just for this incident today.

You have dealt with it today and I would let it go for now having 'won' but just be on your guard

TysonNobdie86 · 05/03/2011 11:50

Maybe he genuinely (sp?) believes he did say it to you, maybe he is embarrased that he got it wrong. It doesnt sound like he is EAing you just because he disagreed with you

Original poster

BertieFromBirmingham · 05/03/2011 11:51

Writer - he won't put any effort into us spending time together on our own. He won't talk to me about anything that I consider important, if I am upset about something he just closes down and completely ignores me. Recently he accidentally physically hurt me but refused to apologise and made out I had overreacted. He is not pulling his weight when it comes to childcare (although does his share in the house). Everything has to be on his terms or he sulks.

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 05/03/2011 11:51

I think he tried to get out of taking both at last minute for laziness reasons probably, I don't think it is fair from that alone that this is gaslighting or EA tbh. Go to bed and see how you feel once you have rested?

He has taken them, you get to rest, I understand why you are annoyed and feel let down by him trying to go back on his word and you can ask him/ explain to him calmly later why that was out of order thing to try to do. In the meantime enjoy your rest it sounds like you need it

BertieBotts · 05/03/2011 11:52

Ah. Yeah. That does not sound good. All of the things you mention in your 11:51 post are emotionally abusive.

Bumperlicious · 05/03/2011 11:53

I think you are majorly overreacting. It sounds like a simple breakdown in communication.

DH and I often have arguments over conversations I swear I have had with him and he swears I haven't. It's common when you are tired, with young children and can barely think straight.

You say there are other issues but based on just your post I think you have overreacted and telling your DH you think he is emotionally abusing you (based on just this incident) is pretty harsh.

ScarlettWalking · 05/03/2011 11:53

I really don't think if the guy hasn't done it in 12 years of relationship he is going to start EA now.

It is just a misunderstanding he is not emotionally abusing or "gaslighting" you. You say you are tired but why waste all this energy on anger over something so trivial?

WriterofDreams · 05/03/2011 11:56

In that context Bertie, I can see why you're so angry, it seems like this is the final straw. I don't think he's being EA but I do think communication has broken down between you and this is causing huge resentment on your part, understandably. Would it be possible to talk to your DH about all this or would you be met with a wall of silence? Maybe you need to shock him into seeing he needs to start listening to you - perhaps tell him you insist on starting counselling or you need to think seriously about the future of the relationship.

You are tired and worn out so things will seem a whole lot worse at the moment, so for that reason don't do anything drastic.

Could you explain the incident where he hurt you and why you think he wouldn't apologise?

Original poster

BertieFromBirmingham · 05/03/2011 11:57

Thanks everyone, I do need some perspective it would seem.

OK I will try to calm down and stop talking about EA

But why lie?

He knows I'm knackerd and that is in no small part to the fact that he has taken to ignoring dd2 between the hours of 10pm and 7am. I have told him that before, things improve for a week or so and then he backslides.

I am tired of constantly having to remind him to pull his weight.

God, I was soooo looking forward to today, now I'm so uptight I won't enjoy it.

Perhaps I should log off, stop overthinking and go and have a soak in the bath or something.

OP posts:

Original poster

BertieFromBirmingham · 05/03/2011 12:01

I am the OP here

We have had counselling but it was rubbish tbh

I agree, we need to find a new counsellor who can actually see what is going on and help us

I rather suspect that if I try to discuss things tonight I will be met with silence

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 05/03/2011 12:01

I do think the term "gaslighting" is bandied around far too much on here.

Your husband was a twat, he lied, you had a go at him, he has now taken both the children, you have got your free day. Calm down, enjoy the peace. Its a waste of time if you spend the day seething.

Rows happen.. you are tired and stressed, he is acting like a prick. But its done now, and over with.

Enjoy your day of freedom. :)

Longtalljosie · 05/03/2011 12:02

Put it out of your mind and try to enjoy your day. It's precious, you won't get another one like it again for a while. Hot bath.

SoupDragon · 05/03/2011 12:02

Why lie? Well, perhaps he genuinely believes events went as he remembers. Perhaps he did say he could only take one but you didn't hear him. Who knows. The truth is lost in the depths of time, unless you got it in writing.

You need to move on. It sounds like a genuine misunderstanding.

WriterofDreams · 05/03/2011 12:02

Try not to waste your free day steaming about this.

WRT to looking after DD2, why not work out a shift system or a rota that you both have to stick to? My DS doesn't sleep well and DH looks after him between 9 and 2 and I take him for the rest of the night. It stops me from getting too tired and it prevent resentment as we both have our set hours and there's no arguing about it.

There's very little you can do about this now, so grab your free day with both hands!

fortyplus · 05/03/2011 12:05

He may not be lying - he may genuinely have forgotten what was originally said.

I've done this before now.

Original poster

BertieFromBirmingham · 05/03/2011 12:05

Thank you everyone

Logging off now to enjoy my day

I can see I've overreacted

Off for a bath

THanks again

OP posts:

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