I think that I have just been gaslighted by dh for the first time in our 12 year relationship

[BertieFromBirmingham]

How dare he

How fucking DARE he try to make out I got this wrong.

I am incandescent.

The company dh works for has just been through a round of redundancies. THankfully he survived. One of his colleagues who lost her job invited everyone from their department to a farewell lunch at her house today.

When dh told me about it a couple of weeks ago he said he'd take both our children with him to give me some time on my own. Bit of backstory, I am exhausted with non sleeping baby, he is away a lot, no family nearby so I very rarely get time on my own to recharge. He has had time to himself occasionally, not often but more than I have. I put it to him at Christmas that he needed to make more effort to take the children off my hands as I am burning out. So, when he offered, completely unprompted, I was delighted and I have been looking forward to today so very much.

So, this morning, he starts talking about how he's picking up colleagues to take with him. So you're not taking the children then??? He said that he could take one of them as that was all the space he had in the car.

WHen I told him that he had let me down as I was expecting to be on my own today, he said that he told me last week he could only take one of them (errr NO YOU DIDN'T)

He then went on to say that he only ever offered to take one of them (errr NO)

I had a proper go at him (within earshot of dc's :( ) about how I was not going to let him change history or lie to me in order to cover up his fuck up.

He insists that he never said he'd take them both.

He has taken both of them, acting all normal on the way out as if there was nothing wrong.

THer have been (less serious) issues between us for a while and we've been working on our relationship. He's never done anything like this before. He has lied a couple of times but when challenged he's admitted it.

I am utterly confused. I KNOW what he said to me when today was first discussed. He is adamant he didn't say anything of the sort.

I also know that gaslighting is classic EA and I WILL NOT accept this treatment. I have told him so this morning.

Is it common in terms of EA for this sort of thing to start after 12 years??

Really don't know what to make of it and would appreciate your thoughts.

Lizzie, please stop using silly labels like 'hysterical' and 'ridiculous'. Its just a heated discussion ffs. It's not one flew over the cuckoos nest.

If I didn't know any better I would say you are "projecting" but that's a daft label so I wont suggest it.

They got back just after I posted.
Will be back later.

Bertie:

"He used to sulk for a few days UA, he's much better recently but it can go on for hours. The incident I linked to further up resulted in the only three day sulk he's had for some years now."

How old is he?

He's three in his forties

He's not sulking tonight though, a nice change from the usual end to days such as today.
Everyone seems to have had a thoroughly nice time at the do, they have all come back happy.

Hopefully he now realises that my bullshit detector is set too high for him to pull this sort of thing again.

I do think part of my problem earlier was assuming the worst of him because of previous misdemeanors. He has been an arsehole, today and prior to today, but there has been no deliberate abuse, not today anyway.. He knows more than ever now that I won't tolerate being lied to or badly treated. As I said above, now that I'm over the depression I am standing up for myself more.

I have thought a lot today on the further discussion on this thread, I am too tired now to articulate my thoughts properly but will post another time, when I'm not posting from my phone.

Thanks for all your input.

Glad you're now having a nice evening Bertie :)

All I will say is that Fanny By Gaslight had a whole different connotation to me before I read this thread.

BoF, the film 'Gaslight' is where this term comes from. Here

Fanny by Gaslight was also made in 1944 but isn't the origin of what we're talking about.

I'd add that for a behaviour to be termed 'gaslighting' I would expect it to be deliberate, determined and probably sustained over a period of time.

I wouldn't use it to describe one incident of this type, not until there were further incidents and it became clear an agenda was at play.

what the OP experienced sounds very much like inconsistency, forgetfulness, passive aggression or just her husband being an arse.

Gaslighting is far more sinister than some tw*t refusing to do what he said he would...and then doing it anyway.

It was originally a play actually. I've seen it with a couple of cast members from Emmerdale. They were awful!

I don't think this is gaslighting. I think this is a "who said what argument" and there are never any winners. I would think it unlikely that after 12 years, your DH is about to start emotionally abusing you, assuming there hasn't already been a pattern. I think you're exhausted and were looking forward to you day off. I think he has got involved in being a taxi driver today and was just trying get out of taking both kids. Hope you enjoy your day and don't let this fester. He sounds like a pretty sound bloke to me. Heard about worse recently!