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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think that I have just been gaslighted by dh for the first time in our 12 year relationship

111 replies

BertieFromBirmingham · 05/03/2011 11:41

How dare he

How fucking DARE he try to make out I got this wrong.

I am incandescent.

The company dh works for has just been through a round of redundancies. THankfully he survived. One of his colleagues who lost her job invited everyone from their department to a farewell lunch at her house today.

When dh told me about it a couple of weeks ago he said he'd take both our children with him to give me some time on my own. Bit of backstory, I am exhausted with non sleeping baby, he is away a lot, no family nearby so I very rarely get time on my own to recharge. He has had time to himself occasionally, not often but more than I have. I put it to him at Christmas that he needed to make more effort to take the children off my hands as I am burning out. So, when he offered, completely unprompted, I was delighted and I have been looking forward to today so very much.

So, this morning, he starts talking about how he's picking up colleagues to take with him. So you're not taking the children then??? He said that he could take one of them as that was all the space he had in the car.

WHen I told him that he had let me down as I was expecting to be on my own today, he said that he told me last week he could only take one of them (errr NO YOU DIDN'T)

He then went on to say that he only ever offered to take one of them (errr NO)

I had a proper go at him (within earshot of dc's :( Blush ) about how I was not going to let him change history or lie to me in order to cover up his fuck up.

He insists that he never said he'd take them both.

He has taken both of them, acting all normal on the way out as if there was nothing wrong.

THer have been (less serious) issues between us for a while and we've been working on our relationship. He's never done anything like this before. He has lied a couple of times but when challenged he's admitted it.

I am utterly confused. I KNOW what he said to me when today was first discussed. He is adamant he didn't say anything of the sort.

I also know that gaslighting is classic EA and I WILL NOT accept this treatment. I have told him so this morning.

Is it common in terms of EA for this sort of thing to start after 12 years??

Really don't know what to make of it and would appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:
WriterofDreams · 05/03/2011 12:05

Bertie I've read your other OP and that seems more worrying. It wasn't exactly an accident was it?

BertieBotts · 05/03/2011 12:05

But the incident the OP describes IS gaslighting. Whether intentional or not, it's not "bandying it about" it's just giving a name to the term.

And yes from the OP it's ambiguous but why has everyone ignored the post at 11:51?

squeakytoy · 05/03/2011 12:08

If he genuinely did tell the Op, and doesnt realise she didnt hear him, then it isnt "gaslighting". It is just a misunderstanding. They do happen. More so when people are tired and stressed.

dignified · 05/03/2011 12:26

Writer - he won't put any effort into us spending time together on our own. He won't talk to me about anything that I consider important, if I am upset about something he just closes down and completely ignores me. Recently he accidentally physically hurt me but refused to apologise and made out I had overreacted. He is not pulling his weight when it comes to childcare (although does his share in the house). Everything has to be on his terms or he sulks.

These behaviours are emotionally abusive , and i dont think youve over reacted to the incidant youve described either . Its not normal or ok to do this stuff , it indicates a lack of respect for you, no wonder your angry.

GypsyMoth · 05/03/2011 12:28

Does he do this all the time? No? A one off?

IngridBergmann · 05/03/2011 12:33

It sounds like he just forgot tbh.

But I can see why you are upset...sulking in general is horrible and it doesn't sound like things are very respectful atm.

Good luck sorting it out.

Bumperlicious · 05/03/2011 12:40

I've read your other thread and it sounds like this stonewalling is his guilt. He sounds like he doesn't know how to cope with his own guilt and sulks instead, a kind of defence. Not sure how you can deal with it though.

Lizzylou · 05/03/2011 12:50

Is gaslighting the new NPD? Wink

Seriously, calm down, catch up on sleep, have a bath anything, just enjoy your time alone today.

Your husband may have just thought he'd told you he was planning on taking only one child. DH and I do that all the time: think we've said something when we've just thought it.

Inertia · 05/03/2011 12:52

Bertie, hope you are managing to use the time today to catch up on some rest. Well done for standing your ground.

If this was a total one-off, it might be easier to explain as a misunderstanding. However, given that he has lied before, and that he has hurt you and tried to belittle your reaction to that, I think you are right to be concerned. Fwiw, if my husband had accidentally hurt me he'd be mortified and apologetic, as I suspect most husbands would.

I don't know what the solution is, but I do think you're justified in being concerned.

Lizzylou · 05/03/2011 12:57

OK so there are other concerns about your relationship, just don't make the mistake of seeing wrong in everything that your husband does/doesn't do or say.
Today could all have been a genuine mistake.

I hope you're enjoying a nice rest now anyway Smile

notasillysausage · 05/03/2011 13:16

Tbh is this not just him realising he messed up, but not wanting to admit it he denied what was said? I would say it was childish ie lying to get out of trouble, but not EA.

tazmintee · 05/03/2011 13:16

how do you know it wasnt a genuine misunderstanding

why does it have to be given a silly label

these things happen, doesnt mean he has ulterior motives

GettinganIcyGrip · 05/03/2011 13:36

Lizzy and tazmin...

these 'silly labels' are important, because they help people to understand what is happening to them.

People who have been subject to these behaviours recognise them as coming from over-entitled, abusive idiots who think they are the only ones in a relationship who matter.

They are also behaviours used by abusers the world over, who all use the same methodology, and this can be recognised, and named.

If you have not been subject to this in your relationships then lucky you, but do not come onto a relationship board where someone is worried about what is happening to them and make fun of those of us who DO recognise these abusive behaviours.

The effect of 'gaslighting' is to make you doubt your own reality, and it is exactly that it is so difficult to put your finger in what is happening to you, and call the person who is doing this, that they get away with it.

OP, there is a recent thread on gaslighting that may be helpful to you. In the light of your previous thread, your H sounds like a lazy sod who uses this kind of lying to get out of things he doesn't feel like doing.

I hope you have a good day.

Keep posting.

BertieBotts · 05/03/2011 13:38

"why does it have to be given a silly label"

Because in some cases this can be a serious and premeditated attack on someone to make them think they are going insane. It's not a "silly label" if it helps people recognise the behaviour and see it for what is really happening and NOT that they are going insane.

I don't know whether the OP's husband is gaslighting her on purpose or whether this incident was a misunderstanding. But gaslighting does exist and it's better that people have access to information about it, then they can decide for themselves whether an incident is gaslighting or something more innocent like forgetfulness.

Those of you in happy relationships, would you REALLY doubt your DH over something you had read online? Surely it's telling that the OP is doubting hers. You can't deny someone information on the basis that they might be overreacting. Give them access to all the facts and they can decide for themselves.

BertieBotts · 05/03/2011 13:39

Thank you GettingAGrip - xposted :)

GettinganIcyGrip · 05/03/2011 13:44

Great minds Bertie

Lizzylou · 05/03/2011 13:48

I just think that it is way too easy for people who are vulnerable to pounce upon these terms and I really don't think in this instance that in this OP's case her husband was "gaslighting".

They are too freely suggested and bandied around imo. I know that these conditions/situations occur but not as often as MN would have us believe.

Often someone is just being a bit of a twat, not NPD or playing with someone's very grasp on reality.

BertieBotts · 05/03/2011 13:52

OK, but they are still being a twat, yes?

Lizzylou · 05/03/2011 13:58

Yes Bertie, I'd say he was, from the post of 11.51am, certainly.

GettinganIcyGrip · 05/03/2011 14:02

Lizzy it was you who brought NPD into this thread. No-one had previously mentioned it.

You are, of course, entitled to your opinion that 'these terms' are too freely suggested and 'bandied about', but that doesn't change the fact that these behaviours exist.

And I say again,based on the previous threads of the OP, this man sounds like an over-entitled 'twat', who did actually gaslight the OP.

Sadly for some of us on MN, we have had lots of experience of these 'twats', and all too often recognise the behaviour.

Though you may of course hold any opinion you please, I ask again that people do not come onto a relationship thread and deride the experiences, and helpful suggestions from other posters.

The weird thing about unpleasant and abusive behaviours is that they DO fit into a pattern, and that pattern, or parts of it, can be named.

thisisyesterday · 05/03/2011 14:05

i have no idea what EA or gaslighting are (will read links in a mo)

but you know what? is it not far more likely that he just mis-remembered????
give the poor guy a break. it's the first time he's done this in 12 YEARS and you automatically assume he is lying and trying to convince you otherwise Confused

dignified · 05/03/2011 14:19

give the poor guy a break. it's the first time he's done this in 12 YEARS and you automatically assume he is lying and trying to convince you otherwise

Yes , the poor man. He had to spend over an hour this morning trying to convine the op that this conversation never happened . Hes got enough to put up with as it is. He already breaks his back dictating what can and cant be discussed , ignoring the op when shes upset , avoiding looking after his own kids ect . Dont forget all the effort it takes to sulk when things dont go his way.

Lizzylou · 05/03/2011 14:22

So because I believe that people are too quick to label behaviours I shouldn't post in the relationships topic, Getting? Hmm

GettinganIcyGrip · 05/03/2011 14:29

I said no such thing, Lizzy.

I asked you not to poke fun and pull sarcastic faces at people's efforts to help a poster, because they call a known behaviour by its name.

theyoungvisiter · 05/03/2011 14:35

Sorry but I don't think this is gaslighting and I think you are blowing this out of all proportion - so you and your husband have different recollections of a conversation - it's not a big deal - this happens ALL the time.

If it was a running theme or he was trying to make you out to look stupid in front of friends then I would agree his behaviour was not on, but this sounds like two tired people both remembering what THEY wanted the outcome of a conversation to be.

My dad is absolutely appalling for this - you have a conversation in which he suggests something, everyone else explain why a different idea is better for some reason, he agrees and accepts the other suggestion - but two days later he quite honestly believes that everyone agreed to his first idea.

In my dad's case he's not gaslighting and it's not EA because it's over bloody stupid things like what time to meet for lunch - and since everyone else knows full well that we agreed a different time the only person who ends up looking silly is him. But he just honestly convinces himself that the conversation happened differently. It's such a frequent occurrence that me and my sister have a running joke about it.

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