I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

[upsydaisy1974]

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

I think a lot of what you've said is spot on tanso - it all seems a bit weird to me. I would be very upset if I'd found dodgy texts from my DH, but I certainly wouldn't threaten to terminate a baby and break up a marriage based on a hunch that the word 'trail' meant what I thought it did without deep and protracted conversations with him about it. I would want everything out in the open and know that he understood why I was so upset.

Tanso how do you know the OP doesn't spend time on mumsnet or know that it exists?

I'm sure upsydaisy does want everything out in the open but her DP isn't giving her the opportunity as he isn't being open about anything is he?

Oops, meant the OP's partner doesn't know...

I certainly wouldn't threaten to terminate a baby and break up a marriage based on a hunch that the word 'trail' meant what I thought it did without deep and protracted conversations with him about it

Daisy is trying to have deep and protracted conversations about it and has been trying for the last few days . He blatently wont tell her .He would rather postpone the wedding than have that conversation. Thats not normal behaviour .

I don't think she's 'threatening' to terminate the pregnancy. She just doesn't want to go through with it if she can't make her relationship work. Which is fair enough.

malinkey, the op said earlier in the thread that he doesnt know mumsnet exists and that she is a regular "user"

these things do not matter so much, Im just using it as an example of secrecy

I actually think that snooping and setting traps are similar things.

People snoop because they suspect something, but cant prove it. Someone whos partner has done secretive in the past may feel it is more forgivable if they snoop again because of the history.

People set traps because they think their partner is snooping but cannot prove it. If the partner has had a history of snooping they may feel it is more forgivable to set a trap if they have reason for suspicion.

Both things are not great in a relationship, and I would say most people would feel guilty doing them, but given the history and the lack of trust that may still be lingering it is something people do resort to.

You need to find out more about the messages. If he says they are a bit of fun, say how, what context, why at that particular time of day, did you have a wank, how on earth could they be meant for op?? etc.
get every single detail explained.

if you decide to continue the relationship you need to start with a fresh slate (easier said than done) and BOTH behave in a way that demonstrates trust to each other. No games, no with holding information during "fights" like you have both done in this situation. (knowledge of messages/what the trail is)
No attempt to gain "control" of the situation. It should balanced and equal. A partnership rather than one over the other.

The longer he refuses to discuss this in depth (if your wedding had just been postponed for reasons you couldn't understand wouldn't you be asking questions?) it looks like he is less interested in keeping the relationship than covering up whatever he has done. Hardly seems worth jeopardising a relationship if all you have done is sent sexy texts to yourself (or done them as a gift for your partner). So I think he is hoping that Daisy will waver due to lack of evidence and after a while the wedding/birth will go ahead. The pregnancy makes this situation a lot more complicated but if he really refuses to discuss this further, or just makes up more lies then Daisy has to decide if he is someone you would want to marry or have a child with. I don't think that anyone should pressure Daisy one way or the other re abortion, it's an individuals choice based on their situation and they have to live with the decision, not us.

Tanso ,have you read the thread? The man WILL NOT discuss anything with the OP, regarding sex sites, texts or traps. He is stonewalling, she has nowhere to go on this.He is the one attempting to control the relationship by being completely closed to honesty. The OP has stated that she hasnt that much of a problem with dirty texts, she could even put the sex sites thing behind her and forgive it all and go forward. She cant however do that if she does not know what exactly she is forgiving, nor can she move on from events which have never actually been resolved.

Tanso - or he may have said he had set a trap (texts or logging on to a dating site) to cover up what he was actually doing (and had done in the past)

Monty, I have read the whole thread.

Lost, maybe you are right.I dont know.

I am just saying that I see that mistrust is a common denominator both ways in this relationship.
Im not saying that in this situation he is not being a total dick and handling it awfully.

Leave the twat

I'm confused - I didn't get from the posts that OP had pushed and pushed with the conversations (although IMO she shouldn't have to push to get the answers she needs from her DP), I understood that she was waiting for him to 'fess up, so to speak, without telling him how much (or little?) she already knows.

Either way it's a horrible situation, and you're right dignified, his behaviour is far from normal.

I can understand exactly what Tanso is saying. Both parties in this are dancing around each other, with one waiting for answers to an unasked question, and one waiting for questions but refusing to give an answer till he knows exactly what the question is.

There seems to be a lot of mistrust and doubt on both sides of the relationship.

Its not a good basis for a marriage.

Talking in an accusing tone and threatening to (and actually cancelling) a wedding, is hardly likely to lead to a trusting explanation - it is much more likely to lead to denial, as you are setting someone up to be in a 'can't do right for doing wrong' situation whatever the answer is anyway. Feeling accused and attacked will hardly make someone say 'I did it' particularly if there is no sinister motive - I would say that someone has the right to send amusing texts to themselves without it being uses as 'evidence' of psychopathy. Saying an offhand 'perhaps you stumbled on a trail to catch you darling' or equivalent is now being used to berate him and 'add' to the 'evidence' what ever he says he is damned until he admists to being the characature many of you have helped build up in the OPs mind - if he admits now to logging on to a sex site 'just to see what's there' and its the truth, you sound as though you wouldn't believe him anyway, so he is reasonable to think 'why should I bother - I'm being attacked anyway and will never say something that will change my attacker's mind'

Heroine I really don't think you can turn this round.

I wish you would stop playing devil's advocate. Maybe you think lying and prevaricating is all fine and just in this situation but most of us have a big problem with it, and importantly so does the OP.

I couldn't marry someone who would lie to me about something so stupid - either it's meaningless and he's refusing to tell her (why would anyone refuse if it was meaningless though? Surely he'd have nothing to lose?) or it's not meaningless and he's still refusing to tell her, which imo makes it really OUTSTANDINGLY clear that he doesn't value an honest and open relationship with the OP and therefore the relationship as it stands is fucked.

if he admits now to logging on to a sex site 'just to see what's there' and its the truth, you sound as though you wouldn't believe him anyway,

Ffs Heroine , what dont you get ? He doesnt need to admit to being on a sex site because he absoluteley was , theres no doubt about it. Somebody whos getting married has no right to be on a site like that , and as for this " just to see whats there " what a load of bollocks.

The op is absoluteley right to reconsider marrying a man who registers on these sites and lies about it.

Do you honestly think its ok for him to refuse to discuss these issues with his pregnant soon to be wife ?

I'm still missing the bit where they both agreed to hold on to the deposits and stuff and move the wedding to September. As it stands it sounds like it was a bit, er, unilateral. Like, you know, he's having a baby in September and getting married as soon as possible afterwards, without any positive input to this plan from the prospective mother and bride. Reading the OP's previous threads it appears she had a horrible time with both her previous pregnancies and births, hence her ambivalent feeling towards the current one, and may conceivably not be at all ready to go through a wedding in the early months after the birth even if she does decide to keep the baby and everything goes well. Personally I'd regard it as a much bigger red flag than any sleazy internet history, unexplained explicit texts or dodgy ex-mates. It's all about what he wants, or what he has decided in his mind is true, rather than respect for his future life partner. It would be extremely unwise to make a lifelong commitment to a person until one was quite clear on what their attitudes really were in this context.

Re the internet history thing though, according to another previous thread the guy used to subscribe to dating websites, which she knew about, but he had apparently given them up until one day the OP discovered he'd signed up to one again. That isn't someone signing up for curiosity; it's someone who already knew what the site was like because he'd been there. So much for "just to see what's there".

So: maybe he is an honest, genuine, lovely person with a few quirks he's ashamed of and a tendency to behave like a naughty child when cornered. But you don't get married to someone (especially when you have two dependent children) on a maybe. You make sure you know. Everyone has faults; you just have to be sure they are faults you can live with, because it's a sight harder to climb out of a marriage than to tumble into one.

He won't admit to more than he has too.

She won't admit what she knows as he wants a bargaining tool or similar.

Nothing will change until someone makes a decision.

Daisy, if you were to miscarry the baby could you swear 100% he would be there for you? That says a lot about someone when you are thrown a bad experience if they can't handle it/support you.

I was kept awake last night thinking of you and worrying about you. I have now read through this thread again and all previous posts by the OP.

I never had a chance to post last night and I'm so glad Heroine posted as she said exactly what I was thinking.

Daisy, I really would urge you to consider the type of people who post on this site. Many of the posters on this site do not have normal or straightforward relationship histories. They are looking and see things which your average happy in a relationship don't even consider.

Daisy, you have mentioned over and over how much you love and respect this man and how respectful and loving he has been. You are very positive in your descriptions of him.

He has mantained good friendships with his previous girlfriends - always a very good sign. He has good circle of friends and family. He has always treated you well and is wonderful with your children.

The only negative information about him is that you suspect him of having been on sex sites - a suspicion which he has denied and you have been unable to prove. In any case, this particular issue was resolved.

Daisy, you have mentioned over and over again how stressed you are at the moment with work, pregnancy and the wedding not to mention the arse of an ex causing problems.

Stress manifests itself in many different ways. You are understandably stressed about being pregnant. It sounds like you have an awful lot on your plate and from my perspective, the irrational way in which you have handled this pretty minor issue, is a sign that you are at tipping point. You need some help.

I really would urge you to seek out somone in real life that you love and trust. Speak to them. Ask your midwife if there is a counsellor available to speak to.

I am not surprised you are considering terminating the pregnancy but I don't think the texts are the reason. I think you are looking for a reason as you are frightened to death at the possibility of history repeating itself.

I am going to guess (and that's all that anyone on this forum is doing) that your guy is a pretty good one.

A marriage is as good as its weakest link, Heroine. And apparently you and only you, with all your insight into other people's relationships, are capable of delivering any kind of objective advice here, and anyone else is just projecting?

And wrt snooping -- that is the most inside out and upside down 'logic' I have seen in a long time, Tanso. What is so unforgivable about 'snooping'? It is up to the DP here to prove he is trustworthy, not for both to prove to each other that they are trustworthy. Trust must be earned by this man. Daisy has nothing to feel guilty about. 'Snooping' is not in the same league as no strings sex websites by any stretch of the imagination.

You may think a blank slate is possible, but the most you can ever get when trust has been breached is one bearing the marks or erasure. Fine to say 'you must get answers Daisy' -- it's like putting the bell on the cat. How?

Being kicked out might get his attention, but it seems that even talk of abortion hasn't moved him to realise what is at stake here. There is something he is guarding that is more valuable to him than the happiness of the woman he says he loves and the life of the baby he has fathered.

And Heroine, the way to stop being criticised for doing things that are either stupid or cruel is surely to stop doing them and get with the programme?

Huh? The "type of people" posting on this thread alone are many and varied. The majority are in happy, loving relationships as far as I can tell (and accepting that everyone else, I don't have intimate knowledge of every poster's relationship history). It never seems to occur to the critics that actually, it's precisely because many posters have loving, honest relationships with good men, that they can spot when something or someone is amiss.

accepting that like everyone else

Notalways, your dismissive post is really objectionable. While I am obviously happy for you that you have had a trouble free relationship history (or so you imply) other people here didn't lose their brains along with the man or two they may have washed out of their hair.

The idea that there are posses of bitter wimmin here with a man-hating agenda and a handy noose in their bag at all times is not original, and not any truer for having been trotted out before by people with notions about themselves and their objectivity.

When I say dismissive I mean dismissive of the OP and her feelings too. She has stated many times how horrible she is feeling and you are essentially saying that is ridiculous. "You are understandingly stressed about being pregnant" is just about the most patronising thing I have read on MN. And just about the most spectacular example of missing of the point too.