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Original poster

I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

987 replies

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 00:16

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 07/03/2011 22:00

There's something contradictory about the talk and the walk here though.

He wants a marriage like his parents had and yet he dabbled in a website that promised no strings sex when he was involved with a woman and seriously considering marriage. He is fascinated by threesomes. Maybe I'm too uptight and therefore I shouldn't think that those two elements are mutually incompatible, but I don't see how the porn and threesomes would work in a marriage without both parties agreeing to include them, and both parties would obviously have to be open and honest with each other if they were to last fifty years in those circumstances.

LittleMissHissyFit · 07/03/2011 22:03

My BS detector has gone off, this is gas lighting surely. It's utter bollocks, talk about damage limitation.

He's thought that one up (all by himself so it would seem).

Those messages were for Daisy? OK then, so why not present her with the phone then.... not leave it for months.

Then the talk of the TRAP. Why would he set a trap? but wait, it's not a trap, it's a GIFT....

He is lying through his teeth, staying calm and hoping that all this just goes away and Daisy falls for it.

He got CAUGHT, but he won't admit it.

WHY did he send the texts, who the heck knows, very probably stupid brainless bloke behaviour.... HOWEVER, the TRAP thing is more sinister.

If he has proposed, wedding planned, all booked, surely he has satisfied himself that Daisy is the ONE.

If not, why do it. If he is trapping Daisy now, when will it end. How many more tests will he set, for her to fail. What will he do when she inevitably does fail a test.

Use that failure as a rod to beat her with, as a method of control? that's what my 'H' did with HIS traps.

He's not being honest, he's being EARNEST, to try to throw you off the scent.

IngridBergmann · 07/03/2011 22:03

Math, my feeling is that he believes on some level that he wants this marriage but deep down he doesn't, and I mean really, really doesn't.

Maybe he doesn't want to replicate his parents' marriage for some reason, or whatever - but he is showing signs of severe aversion to commitment. imho.

this is v similar to what an ex of mine did. Make up a load of tosh, stupid excuses, anything really, totally winging it but determined that the marriage/relationship would not happen, and it wouldn't be seen to be his fault.

Self sabotage and delusion and all that stuff rolled into one.

But it might be something totally different. And that's certainly not excusing his behaviour which is just horrifying.

LittleMissHissyFit · 07/03/2011 22:06

Sabotage his own life.. possibly.

Either way... RUN FOR THE HILLS... Cos he may end up sabotaging his ability to be a parent.

LadyBiscuit · 07/03/2011 22:08

I really just don't know what he's playing at. I do know that it's making my head hurt trying to figure it out so Christ knows what Daisy is feeling :(

mathanxiety · 07/03/2011 22:08

I think deep down he has sabotaged it too. He is going in two completely different directions.

He was very quick with his idea of telling everyone it was just postponed, down to the arrangements wrt the deposits, and laying the blame on Daisy and the pregnancy.

RamonaFlowers · 07/03/2011 22:08

I could not and would not ever marry a man that admitted to laying a trap or fucking "trail" for me.

Daisy, what is it that means that you would accept a man like this?

I wouldn't even accept a casual acquaintance who set a trap for me.

Tis all bollocks. I don't mean this in a nasty way but I honestly struggle to see the world through other peoples eyes sometimes.

Thingumy · 07/03/2011 22:09

The only thing I am worried about for daisy's sake is whether his fantasies are just that or he is actually bi curious and has a view to act upon this.

He really should be honest and open about this as it's completely unfair to hide this away and expect your partner to be fine about it.

Not sure about the phone thing and I'm still curious about his trail/trap statement.

All odd.

Anyway,the main thing is that daisy continues talks and comes to her own decisions.

LittleMissHissyFit · 07/03/2011 22:12

When my best friend told me all the shit my now Ex told her H about me, 5yrs in a mental institution, his affairs, his impending marriage (ALL LIES I hasten to add) he never ever talked about them, just hushed me up and changed the subject.

If I was accused of saying anything like that,I'd be straight on the phone to the person I was alleged to have spoken to, in front of my OH and get the matter cleared up there and then.

I worry that this texting/NSA web site thing is the tip of the iceberg. Cop to this and she'll never find out about the other stuff...

IngridBergmann · 07/03/2011 22:14

I'm with you, Ramona.

whatever his reasons for this bizarre and confusing behaviour, he is dealing with it like an absolute dickhead.

You need some semblance of adult behaviour in a man you're marrying. just a little bit.

Daisy, I hope you get through this minefield of confusion and manage to reach a point where you feel you've enough information on whatever level to make those decisions.

Portofino · 07/03/2011 22:20

Nah, this is bollocks. If it was bit of fun, and a gift for daisy then he would have done this when the phone "became free". Now my dh can be a thoughtless arse sometimes, but creating text porn as a present for me.....and then forgetting to mention it for months WTF?

That is some feeble excuse, OP, that he is hoping you will swallow. He has rolled over so easily about the wedding. If I had cancelled mine 2 weeks before hand, my DH would have been going spare. He would have been very upset and hurt. The fact that your dp has acquiesed like this, I would find very worrying.

RCToday · 07/03/2011 22:43

I agree he is talking bollocks

Good luck Daisy

suburbophobe · 07/03/2011 22:46

There's only one thing to say where I come from:

Run, Forrest, Run!

dignified · 07/03/2011 22:54

His actions arent matching his words . You say hes gutted , but yet still he wont come clean. Has he mentioned counselling , or any other things that a genuineley gutted persn might do ?

It would indeed seem that he has sabotaged the wedding for some reason , he isnt exactly putting up a fight .A simple conversation could have rectified this . Do you know why his other relationships ended ?

It might be subconscious , not necessarily deliberate , but i think he is at odds with himself. He said he wanted to get married but then sighned up to sleazy websites . When words and actions dont match theres a serious problem .

SlightlyJaded · 07/03/2011 22:54

Definitely not buying the texts are gifts line. This smacks of panic and utter desperation - no more, no less.

And LittleMissHissyFit makes a good point in the the observation that being earnest is not the same as being honest.

In my mind I now see a man who does love you Daisy but has quite a few secrets. He has used lies and kindness to keep them, and is now quietly panicking as he helplessly watches the layers being peeled away and his lies unravelling. I don't think he expected to be 'called' on his behaviour the way you have done, and I think he is terrified of what you may discover - possibly more terrified than befits his crime, because if he really is, as you keep saying, kind and honourable in so many ways, and desperate to settle down and marry, then he will be been more afraid of any 'deviant' (not sure if that's the right word) side of his personality being outed, knowing that could sabotage everything.

You need to stress to him now two things.

  1. Time is not on your side. Your marriage and pregnancy are on the line, so the option of playing games does not exist.
  1. Only the whole truth will suffice. He can write it down, discuss it with a councillor, whatever. But nothing he could tell you now would be any more damaging to any chance you have as a couple, than lies, denial and dismissal.

Daisy. You are being so so strong and brave. Hang in there.

dignified · 07/03/2011 23:15

Something similiar happened to me last year , and although there was no talk of marriage it was really upsetting . I had been seeing someone for over a year , he seemed really really keen , and was in fact a really nice guy .Id previously not had a good marriage so was very alert to any red flags but in general , apart from the odd annoyance like listening to crap music he was loveley.

A freind , whos a bit of a serial dater , told me she thought she,d seen him on one of these no strings sex sites . I had a look , assuming she was mistaken , and there he was , with a picture and everything , saying he was " bored " and wanted to try new things ect , some were quite extreme.

I spoke to him about it and as is the script he denied it and claimed someone must have put him on for a laugh ect. I didnt buy this and he then signed into his email to prove that it wasnt him. Of course there was a range of messages in his emails that again he claimed to not know anything about.

That was the end of that , and while it wasnt marriage level serious , it was really upsetting and hurtfull to discover he wasnt who he said he was , and also to discover that he could so blatently lie . He had always made it clear he wanted more and wanted a more serious relationship while i had held back a little and all along he was talking filth to missbigtits90 and whoever else was available.

The closest i ever got to any sort of truth was a comment saying " Shall we just both promise not to go on dating websites anymore ".I wasnt on them so it wasnt an issue , but there was no real fight or concern in him that it was over , more embarresment that he had been caught.

Was awful actually , and there was a fleeting temptation to overlook it , thank god i didnt , i think there was much much more to it.

MissySmith · 07/03/2011 23:26

Read the 'insane,12 year-old,troll's' lips. This man does not want to get married. He is a fantasist. He fantasises about having a marriage like that of his parents,but he doesn't have the basic tools to work with,in himself. Honesty,commitment,kindness,and basic humility,is sadly lacking in his make-up.
FYI,PP is another anacronysm,replacing 'guru' and
'royalty' with 'Prolific Poster'.
I think that Daisy has had a ,luckily? obvious, early warning.

TheSleepFairy · 07/03/2011 23:27

sj perfect post.

I don't think he ever thought you would handle these revelations with the strength & control in which you have.

He doesn't know what to say to you & I agree that you have the upper hand & need to stress the 2 points sj made.

Thingumy · 07/03/2011 23:32

Hmm at the 'PP' acronym.

I'm just another poster on a internet forum.

I don't claim any bloody status.

I certainly don't go around declaring 'mark my words' like I am the all knowing guru.

squeakytoy · 07/03/2011 23:38

I am just Shock that Gabby is a male.. I thought she was just a very wierd gay female Confused

BeerTricksPotter · 07/03/2011 23:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 08/03/2011 00:01

Well i have told him straight. He is about to lose everything, his future, his child and his parents first grandchild. So to think very carefully about his next move. I don't think he knows which way to turn.

I'm not sure what my next move should be!

OP posts:
Thingumy · 08/03/2011 00:04

What has been his response?

It's not a game and you need to reiterate this.

You want totally honesty otherwise your lives will change forever more.

boxingHelena · 08/03/2011 00:05

I would take a short break and go walking on a beach and breath some oxygen (and have a fag too) Wink

TheSleepFairy · 08/03/2011 00:05

I'm a complete novice at this but have lurked from the begining so I would suggest now saying nothing, let him wallow, as I said befor you are i control & I think you have the upper hand in the fact that he doesn't know where he is at or what to do for the best.