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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! Accidentally locked DP's bank account (snooping for evidence of cheating) what now?

131 replies

thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 11:31

I've given up challenging DP on whether his (IMO) suspicious behaviour is because he's cheating. He's either a wrongly accused man, or he's lying through his teeth. Either way it was getting me nowhere so I decided to do some snooping instead.

Only it's all gone wrong, I feel like such an idiot. Sad

I tried to log into his bank account. But I got the password wrong (or he's changed it) and now it says account suspended!

Shit!

Is this temporary or will it still be suspended when he tries to log back into it?

FWIW I also bought a card reader but that didn't work Angry.

I'm not willing to confront him (again) without some actual evidence this time - but perhaps this has forced the issue and I'll have to.

I'm at a loss - I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 13:24

EmmaBGoode I'm so sorry it is horrible isn't it.

OP posts:
Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 13:25

"waterrat is very wise." indeed.
You too Boobz.

OP posts:
hogsback · 02/03/2011 13:25

You are opening yourself up to a world of trouble trying to access online accounts without permission. If the bank find out they will very likely report you to the police and you could be facing criminal charges.

Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 13:28

hogsback DP has previously given my his password - I would say that was giving permission, no?

The reason I couldn't get it was either I've misremembered it, or he's changed it.

OP posts:
MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny · 02/03/2011 13:31

I really don't know thisisnot. To keep my phone 'tidy' Blush

I don't receive, or send anything that even my children couldn't see but maybe it is just a habit.

I about have stored about 8 that have an address, number or a message from DS that I want to keep but just clear everything.

I was the one through my relationship, from the start who wasn't trusted because of my EhH's past experiences and jealousy. I had never been unfaithful to anyone and worked really hard to reassure him that I wasn't his Ex.
He wouldn't talk either and although our break up was over something completely separate, it grew to play a role in
I both understood his insecurities and grew to be hurt by them.

So yes, talking and talking is essential. Because by nature things that are left, tend to fester rather than heal themselves, as it sounds like your DP is trying to do.

MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny · 02/03/2011 13:34

I am sorry, that sounds like I am saying you are responsible and oy u are not. I lost track of the point I was actually going to make, but it was essentially about talking.

I really do apologise Blush

hogsback · 02/03/2011 13:35

this ah, didn't realise he had given you his password, thought you had snooped that too :) Even so, you are still accessing the bank's computers without authorisation from the bank so still in breach of the Computer Misuse Act but doubt if they would press charges in the circumstance that an account holder had explicitly authorised you to access his account.

Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 13:37

Sugar I had hoped maybe there was some legit reason that DP might delete his call list. But as he's one of the messiest people I know, keeping his phone tidy would be very out of character!

The last time he deleted his call list that I know of was around Christmas time.

OP posts:
Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 13:38

No need to apologise btw, I appreciate the advice, thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 13:39

hogsback technically, I am failing to access the bank's computers.

I have given up on that one, I've learnt my lesson!

OP posts:
waterrat · 02/03/2011 13:39

It sounds as though you have never got to the bottom of why he did it - 'I was a different person then' is an empty statement if you aren't told why ie. what it was THEN that made him do that/want to do that.

It's not good enough for him to offer reassurances that he won't do it again - I have read WWIFNs posts and she has wise things to say - you need to know the timeline of his infidelity - even if nothing happened, at what point did he decide he wanted to cheat, what did he say to himself that made that acceptable.

I think one problem with honest conversations is that you need to know your boundaries for them to work ie. he needs to know that he will lose you if he isn't honest. He might be hiding the truth because he thinks it's easier - he doesn't want to hurt you or expose how much betrayal there was in his mind.

But - if he can see clearly that his lack of openness/ unwillingness (and it is a choice, not an inability to talk...) to talk about the real truth behind it all - will mean he loses you, then he will have to make that decision.

but fear on your part of losing him, if it overrides everything else, will mean you always stop short of getting to the truth, because you might not want to hear it.

It must be exhausting and horrible for you I know, but you have seen what it is like trying to live with uncertainty - it doesn't work.

I am a bit of a therapy fundamentalist now having seen it in my own life, so I can only repeat the idea that you have some of your own while you work out what you really want from a relationship and what your lines in the sand are....

nufsed · 02/03/2011 13:39

My DH deletes all texts and call logs daily. He says he likes to keep his phone 'clean' - its not suspicious, just a habit.

Blu · 02/03/2011 13:39

Dignified; The bank may well re-set the password and ask no questions, but if I discovered that my online account was frozen and got the message '3 unsuccessful log-ins' that appears at the top and I knew that I had not been responsible fo the failed log-ins, I would be pushing the bank to find out and tell me exactly how and where from the failed log-ins occurred. Because I would be alarmed.

So - I think you have to tell him about the bank account, and then you either tell him exactly why you are feeling insecure and in need of re-assurance, and why he needs to be transparent, or, if you used to have his password and it was usual to access his account for any reason, tell him you were simply doing what you did before, and in fact the fact that he has changed the password without informong you makes you even more uneasy.

Good luck.

talleyrand · 02/03/2011 13:41

"I send texts with kisses on them to my close male friends and I can assure you I'm not sleeping with them"

whereas the close female friend to whom I send texts/emails to saying "I love you" ... I AM sleeping with.

on a text
xx is one thing
ILY is something different.

LittleMissHissyFit · 02/03/2011 13:49

Honey, you will drive yourself do-lally in all of this. You can't keep doing this to yourself.

His history, his preparedness to cheat, if he's taken a condom he has already kind of cheated, in so far as he has given himself permission to do so.

You have to get off this insane merrygoround and confront these issues head on.

Sort of: I am seeing behaviour that makes me deeply suspicious of you. Given the condom/cheating incident, you owe it to us to make damned sure that your behaviour is whiter than white and beyond suspicion. So H, tell me Why: you

  • said phone battery was going to die and switched it off immediately
  • were out of contact for 3 hours
  • deleted text list
  • deleted call list 3 days before this

This is not normal behaviour, I still don't have the trust back and as a consequence I need answers, transparency, reassurance and counselling.

You both need counselling to get through this. You can't just brush it under the carpet.

Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 13:49

tallyrand DP isn't in the habit of sending texts with I love you on them to female friends. However it is something he might say - for example when sending birthday wishes, or saying goodbye for a long time - or to cheer someone up. I only mentioned this as I thought portloo was getting the wrong end of the stick wrt jealousy. I have absolutely no problem with DP showing genuine affection for female (and male) friends - in fact I think it's a good thing. I am very happy that my DP - and in fact several of my friends - are like this. I know some people find it hard to understand that men and women can show affecting without it meaning something more, but let me assure you that in my world this is something good, not something to be suspicious of!

This is a red herring! It has nothing to do with cheating!

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 02/03/2011 13:49

Me likey the 'convert links automatically' box... Grin

3littlebadgers · 02/03/2011 13:50

I am with the whole clear the history and practice your look of horror/surprise when he mentions he'd having trouble. 'Yeh one of my friends has been having difficulty too must be some sort of internet security thing.' Wink then hide your comp somewhere so he doesn't snoop on your mumsnet posts!

Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 13:50

gah - I meant to say "can show affection" of course!

OP posts:
VodkawithRosie · 02/03/2011 13:56

Not read all the way through so apologies if someone has already said this.

We do online banking and on more than one occasion I have put in the wrong password enough times for it to be suspended . Anyway, it was simple enough to put right- when your husband tries to log in it will tell him it is suspended and to contact them. his can be done online or on the phone and consists of answering some identifying questions. They then send a new activating code to you by post which you have to put in within a few days. That's it, no complicated investigations.

I suppose though that your DH may want some investigating to be done as he doesn't know why is is suspended?

If you are with the same bank, could you say you kept trying to log in to your account today and eventually it locked you out and you don't know why. Then when he can't get into his account 'realise' that you must have been trying to get into his accidently and that's why the password didn't work? It depends how ditsy you are as to whether you can get away with that one.

dignified · 02/03/2011 13:58

Considering the condom incidant hes not being very transparant is he , with deleting his call lists ect. Sureley he can understand why you would be concerned re the deleted call lists ect and dodgy behaviour with the phone ?

I second what Littlemiss says , have the conversation and dont be afraid to ask those questions. If he is anything other than understanding and reassuring i think you have your answer.

talleyrand · 02/03/2011 14:07

there's a lot of difference between showing affection and saying ILY . In my experience, anyway.

hogsback · 02/03/2011 14:12

thisis: technically, you tried; whether you succeeded or failed is immaterial - it's still an offence - but as I said, you would have to be very, very unlucky to be prosecuted given the circumstances. Sorry, didn't mean to worry you about it.

Sunflower38 · 02/03/2011 14:25

Am a bit late to this thread, just want to say I think it's fairly likely he will know his wife tried to check his details online and got the password wrong. Considering the lack of trust I would have thought it is a given he would know it was you, OP.

Something needs to give in this relationship. If it was me I'd point blank ask him to come to counselling or the relationship is over. No matter how much you love him, OP, this cannot go on if he isnt willing to work through this with you.

What sort of life is this? You must be in a constant state of fear and on alert - it is no way to live.

I do understand why you looked for evidence. His behaviour points to something fishy going on.

i really feel for you, but maybe this is what needed to happen for you to move on with your life - either with counselling with him or on your own.

You need to find peace with this mess. I hope you get it soon.

foxy123 · 02/03/2011 15:53

If you have access to any money could you hire a private detective and find out once and for all what is actually going on?

I know it's a bit extreme but you are tormenting yourself and it would give you an answer one way or another. I have been through all this myself. You can end up with long term health problems through all the stress you're putting yourself through.