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Original poster

Help! Accidentally locked DP's bank account (snooping for evidence of cheating) what now?

131 replies

thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 11:31

I've given up challenging DP on whether his (IMO) suspicious behaviour is because he's cheating. He's either a wrongly accused man, or he's lying through his teeth. Either way it was getting me nowhere so I decided to do some snooping instead.

Only it's all gone wrong, I feel like such an idiot. Sad

I tried to log into his bank account. But I got the password wrong (or he's changed it) and now it says account suspended!

Shit!

Is this temporary or will it still be suspended when he tries to log back into it?

FWIW I also bought a card reader but that didn't work Angry.

I'm not willing to confront him (again) without some actual evidence this time - but perhaps this has forced the issue and I'll have to.

I'm at a loss - I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
vinorosado · 02/03/2011 11:58

Thisisnotmyidea, really, don't worry. Just completely deny, as another poster suggested. Don't let this be blown out of proportion... nobody can prove you did this, put it to the back of your mind. (just don't do it again) Try and forget about it now. FWIW, I would also try to access DH's account if I had worries. Be strong and deny, don't make it worse for yourself by admitting to this.

portaloo · 02/03/2011 12:02

If this were me, I'd say nothing. Bank will reset the password. They're unlikely to mention IP addresses.
I'd imagine this happens alot more than you think. Bank may be concerned if it happens over and over, but not as a one off.

How do you think your DP will take it if he discovers you were prepared to hack into his bank details to look for evidence that you can't trust him?

FWIW, I think I'd question whether I could trust my partner if they hacked my account to find out if I'd been unfaithful, all the more so when I have already told them I am innocent.
If my partner didn't believe a word I said, and resorted to this, I'd be inclined to think the hacking is the least of my concerns.

Summing up...I'd keep quiet.

Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 12:06

But the thing is I don't want our relationship to be based on lies.

I'm just aware that it will be a tragedy if I'm wrong and fuck up a good thing - and DS's relationship with his dad - because of paranoia (if my suspicions are unfounded).

I waver from being sure he's up to no good, to being convinced he's innocent.

It's pickling my head anyway.

OP posts:
PaperView · 02/03/2011 12:08

OK.

You don't trust him and how can you have a future with no trust?

You need to come clean and then have the conversation about why you did it and how you can move forwards. Either together or separately. Living like this is not good for either of you.

zikes · 02/03/2011 12:08

Have you done any relationship counselling or individual counselling?

portaloo · 02/03/2011 12:09

It's not lying, it's just not saying anything. Grin

You can't be lying if you don't say anything can you? Grin

Niceguy2 · 02/03/2011 12:10

OP, I think you've been a bit naive to think that you can hack into his online bank account. These things are generally protected up to their eyeballs for obvious reasons.

Without knowing what he's doing when you say his behaviour is "odd", it's hard to give sensible advice.

As far as the banking is concerned, I'd deny all knowledge.

But if I found my partner had gone to the extent of getting a card reader to try and attempt to hack my bank account, I'd dump you for the complete lack of trust & faith shown in me.

madonnawhore · 02/03/2011 12:12

This is crazy, if things have got to this stage then surely you need to be telling him he needs to give you an honest and satisfactory explanation of why he's acting suspiciously or you walk.

You can't carry on like this. I've said it before on here, but I don't understand why a lack of consideration for your feelings and a total lack of trust in a relationship isn't a dealbreaker, but concrete proof IS.

If someone was making me feel this shit and paranoid then I couldn't be with them anymore.

Card readers and hacking into his bank account is bordering on seriously unhealthy behaviour OP. You need to get a proper handle on this situation and stop stooping to his level.

JustForThisOne · 02/03/2011 12:12

say nothing and hope for the best

he may think he typed the wrong pass himself
sounds like he may have changed the pass before or
were you too nervous and typed it wrong yourself?
othrewise you would have logged in allright

portaloo · 02/03/2011 12:13

I'm afraid it looks to me like you are going to have to make a choice.

Lie to him about the bank business, and don't do it again.

Come clean and risk your DP being unable to trust you and, if he is innocent after all, feeling he has to go out on a limb to prove he is innocent for no other reason than you are suspicious.
Can't imagine many relationships could survive that level of mistrust tbh.

If my partner went through my bank after I'd specifically told him I was innocent, I'd find it difficult to trust him again.

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 02/03/2011 12:14

sorry to say but this relationship is pretty much in the toilet at this stage anyway. the choices are this...

  1. he is cheating in which case he's lying to you and betraying your trust.

  2. he isn't cheating in which case you have major trust issues which have lead to you showing no respect for his boundaries or privacy.

you need to talk to him about this and tell him you are willing to accept either option might be the truth in which case you both need to work together to see what you want to do about it. if you can't work together you can't keep going can you?

would you consider asking him to show you his bank account? tell him what you have done, that you are willing to accept it was wrong but that you really need proof that he is being honest with you.

if you go into the bank account and find nothing untoward would that be enough for you? what would be enough for you?

Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 12:14

Niceguy2 - from your name I assume you are indeed a nice guy Smile

However my DP lies about stuff when cornered - little things and one notable big thing - I caught him taking a condom to a work do before and he lied when confronted. We've dealt with that one - I really don't want to go over it again - it's in the archives if any of you are really interested.

But if you knew you had been caught taking a condom to a work do and that you lied all the time, does that make it different?

OP posts:
Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 12:16

"you've been a bit naive to think that you can hack into his online bank account."

I did used to know the password - either I've misremembered it or he's changed it.

OP posts:
gettingeasier · 02/03/2011 12:17

God what a nightmare OP I dont have any advice really and I am not surprised your heads pickled Sad

If you know you are paranoid then ok but are you at some level making excuses so you dont have to face what you are fairly sure is going on iyswim ? I have a lovely friend whose H is clearly up to no good and she always says " H tells me I am mad and paranoid and I know I am " this way she doesnt have to take actions she is terrified of ie leaving him.

madonnawhore · 02/03/2011 12:17

All the evidence you need is staring you in the face OP. You are going to make yourself ill if you don't wake up and smell the coffee soon.

portaloo · 02/03/2011 12:19

Is there a possibility your DP lies because he doesn't want a showdown with you over something innocent?
Did your DP explain about the condom incident?

PinkyMalinky · 02/03/2011 12:19

I would definitely also deny. Don't say a word and practice to have your 'concerned' face ready if he mentions it. Chances are he will think it's some kind of bug or website error, will ring the bank and they will reset the password. If he is a secretive person as you say, he could be absolutely furious if you admit to this.

Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 12:21

"no other reason than you are suspicious."

I am suspicious this time because:

  • he said his phone battery was going to die and switched it off immediately
  • he was out of contact for 3 hours
  • he later deleted his text list
  • he deleted his call list 3 days before this

Not great is it. Even if he does have a reasonable explanation surely anyone would be suspicious in light of his previous behaviour?

I said I was willing to forgive catching him taking a condom to a word do before because he was hugely apologetic, said he had no real intentions to use it etc etc. I know how stupid it sounds in black and white on the screen, but I love the man and decided to forgive him and get on with things. Only it keeps coming back to haunt me doesn't it.

OP posts:
portaloo · 02/03/2011 12:22

Seems like neither of you can trust the other, and you both have good reason not to trust the other.

PaperView · 02/03/2011 12:22

Look, people change passwords all the time. And it's a good idea to!

The issue here is not whether is he is cheating or not, you clearly do not trust him.

Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 12:22

"All the evidence you need is staring you in the face OP. You are going to make yourself ill if you don't wake up and smell the coffee soon."

Can we please not get into this.

I really don't need people going on at me that I need to leave my DP. I need to work through this in my own way, and that really doesn't help, believe me.

OP posts:
Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 12:24

" If he is a secretive person as you say, he could be absolutely furious if you admit to this."

He's not secretive with bank and emails or stuff like that. He's secretive with his feelings, what he really thinks about stuff.

OP posts:
aurorastargazer · 02/03/2011 12:25

(((((thisisnotmyidea))))

no advice for you but am thinking of you and hope you can get through this Smile

portaloo · 02/03/2011 12:26

How do you know he deleted his text list and call lists?

Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 12:26

thanks aurorastargazer

OP posts: